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morecoffee

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Everything posted by morecoffee

  1. I have a 22 month old who wakes up anywhere from 1-4 times a night. We have tried everything to get him to stay asleep. Nothing works. I go days on very little sleep. I look terrible and I feel numb inside. I just want my child to sleep and let us all live a normal life. We wanted to have a sibling for him but it's impossible. We are too tired from barely sleeping day after day, for almost 2 years. I feel like this is very abnormal and he should be sleeping by now. The lack of sleep is ruining my life and has really affected my marriage.
  2. I'm really sorry to hear about your father. As a parent, I can tell you that you don't mature as much as you think you would once you have a child. Some people aren't "kid people", and they can walk away from their offspring fairly easily, or get distracted by their vices, or circumstances or baggage. Whatever your father's reasons for being absent (not that any reason could justify it), try not to take it personally. I know that's like basically impossible, but that is the reality. It's not about you, it's about him and the fact that someone who probably shouldn't have been a father became one. Just like there are people who shouldn't be doctors or engineers or elected officials, but they somehow meander into that field and then they f**k up horribly. I'm sorry my metaphors aren't better. It's really hard to accept that you are love-able, I struggle with this too on a daily basis. My husband has been very patient with me and my insecurities. Some days I just come to terms with the fact that some people apparently love me. For example, it was semi-recently my birthday and I came into work and the whole office had thrown me a surprise party. My first thought was literally "what is wrong with you people, what the hell is this?" because WHY would anyone care to do that for me? It was so uncomfortable. But anyway, I guess just try to take it at face value and not really question it. You are loved, you are very love-able. It is what it is. You should probably ask a therapist about this and get sound advice. You are stronger than you think. And if you are young (say, under 35) then you just haven't met the right person yet, simply because statistically you haven't met/dated enough people to find your match. It's really kind of a numbers game. Most people eventually find somebody who they love and who loves them too, even if it's at age 35, 45 or 60+. Just keep living your life and I practically guarantee it will happen.
  3. This assertion from the mental health community that you *must* "love yourself" for someone else to love you is total hogwash imo. Do you think everyone in the world who is loved also accepts and appreciates themselves completely? No! There are millions of people in happy successful relationships who have very poor self worth/self esteem. Of course that isn't an ideal situation, but it happens all the time. Take many of us on this forum, for example. How can you ever forgive yourself or forget traumatic events that caused you pain? Who says you have to forgive yourself or forget these things? You don't, and frankly, you won't. These memories will stick with you the rest of your life and you will cringe whenever you think of them. All you have to do, or sometimes all you can do, is move on from them and put them behind you. Just keep going, one foot after the other, and in time those memories will lose their power over you. This might actually be the reason you're single. Not because you don't totally accept yourself, not because you have baggage, but because being a downer/attention-seeker/game-player is unattractive. Also, being depressed in general is exhausting and all consuming and depressed people tend to have less hobbies, or work toward achievement. Work on becoming someone you would like to date - a healthy, well-balanced person with personal interests and goals, who also has a desire to be in a loving and mutually-fulfilling relationship. Have you read any self-help books about how to be a good relationship partner or how to have/maintain a healthy relationship?
  4. It always makes me really sad to read posts like this, because I felt this way too in my past. I was very behind my peers, I would say by 8 years or so. Only recently have I caught up enough that I don't feel embarrassed and ashamed. What you need to do is get job experience, and take some classes to develop your skillsets. I recommend you start off with classes that can help you learn the basics like MS Office, basic financial and other administrative stuff. Most cities have what's called a Workforce Investment Board or the like, and they offer free or low cost classes/programs to help unemployed peole acquire useful skillsets. Ideally, you will also go to school and obtain a degree at some point. Many community colleges offer online GE classes, so you can acquire all the units you need to transfer online. You can also get an Associates Degree online. Alternatively, you can acquire a professional certificate in something and skip the degree route. Whatever you choose, you need to act now. If you start now, then by 35, you can be living independently, have an education and be a skilled worker. It's going to take hard work and determination but you will have a hell of a lot more respect for yourself during and afterwards.
  5. I felt like this for a REALLY long time. I dated tons of non-committal guys who all ripped my heart out, and I continuously felt rejected and unwanted, unattractive, not this or that "enough" blah blah. It was a terrible existence and many times I wanted to die and frankly I'm surprised I didn't take my life during those lonely and excruciating years. I turned to alcohol a lot and had numerous one night stands, anything to just feel okay for a day or two. After a while I totally gave up finding someone, and stopped wearing make-up, dressing nice....I was in grad school full time, working full time and in my very little free time I just binge watched netflix. Then one day out of the blue I met someone and we went on a few dates. Then I got super drunk as I use to do on dates, and me and the dude got it on, etc. I figured that was that, now that he's seen what an ugly loser I am he'll be on his merry way. Well, me and that guy are married now, happily. So...yeah. I guess eventually we all find someone, seriously. Just hang in there. Work on becoming who you want to be.
  6. Try saying only positive or neutral things for a while, even if it's not what you actually are thinking. After a while you'll actually start thinking more positive things, plus people won't think you're a total jerk, and that will help your self-image.
  7. OkCupid, Tinder, Plenty of Fish are sort of the standard free ones. Or at least they were when I was single.
  8. Sounds like you're a perfect candidate for online dating - OkCupid, Match, Coffee Meets Bagel, etc.
  9. Yeah this has happened to me when binge drinking on a variety of SSRis, including sertaline. It would take up to two weeks to feel normal again. A couple times it took like 3-4 weeks. It will go away, but because of this I am afraid to get wasted now and I haven't been drunk in over two years.
  10. I can definitely relate to this. Unrequited love is really painful and can sting for years (possibly forever?). But what I've learned is that is isn't about the actual person you think you loved. It's about them not reciprocating, and it's about their perceived rejection. Essentially it is your ego looking for resolution, trying to heal this offence. But the reality is that this person isn't even who you thought they were. You put them on a pedestal because they rejected you. You idolized them because you thought maybe they were better than you. But in reality, they are just another human being with tons of flaws, and you would've seen that had you gotten a chance with them. Every boyfriend or lover/maybe lover rejected me at some point, my entire life. My husband was the first guy to not reject me. The funny thing he is by far the best guy I ever dated, like way better than all the others who rejected me. But I still get sad about all the rejection, especially those who cut really deep. It is an ego thing, it's not about the person. Try to see that...
  11. I hate to be so blunt, but I have been through this. I won't get into long winded details, but I've been through almost exactly this. You need to move out and cut off contact with this dude. He's a complete a$$clown and he's not going to get better. Do not let someone walk all over you, lie to you, string you along and feed you crumbs of hope. Aren't you better than that? Do you seriously want to be that person? If I were you. I'd tell him you're done, you're moving out, and best wishes on him getting his sh*t together.
  12. For the love of god, leave this guy! At a minimum, he was sexting with his coworker? So what if he's depressed! Girl, have some respect for yourself and throw him out. Good riddance.
  13. You seem to have addictions you're struggling with. If I were you, I would see specifically an addiction therapist. They will be able to help you get on track to managing these issues and then you won't have to lie to your wife. Just say you've adopted a new approach to addressing the drinking or something. Let sleeping dogs lie. AA isn't for everyone. It wasn't for me. I couldn't do the whole god thing or convince myself I had zero control over my drinking or my life. I felt in my gut I did have control, and that I was accountable. There are other non-AA support groups for alcoholics that have a different approach. Again, an addiction therapist would be the best person to advise you on which program might work best for you.
  14. I'm sure this is an inappropriate comment to make, but I feel like a lot of people (including myself in the past) think they deserve a relationship with a total catch, when they themselves are not a catch. This is problematic and well, delusional. If you want to land a quality person, you should strive to be a quality person. It's not about looks and money, but just being someone who is trying their best. I mean truly trying. If you're unemployed and watching tv all day, ballooning to hundreds of pounds, smoking and drinking, playing video games...you aren't trying very hard. I was once a terrible catch so I asked myself, what do I have control over? I couldn't control being average in looks and intelligence, so I learned to cook, and I started making sure my house was always clean and a nice home, I worked out and kept good hygiene and what not, invested in hobbies and cultivating talents...eventually I became a better catch and finding a partner became easier.
  15. Just another perspective I'd like to throw in here. My sister cut off all contact with our entire family (she's bpd) for about 2 years now including prohibing my parents from having any contact with her children. It's been the most horrendous experience I've ever seen my parents go through. Both of them were devastated beyond belief for months, and my mom almost died from grief. Only recently have they accepted the situation, though they are still completely broken. My mom can't even mention my sister without crying. When you disconnect from people you don't see the damage you cause. Out of sight out of mind right. Well it's there, and it's bad. Don't forget the effect this extreme action has on those who love you.
  16. When I was your age, I had mostly wasted my life. All I had was a bachelor's degree to be proud of. No real professional work experience, no spouse, no kids, almost no money. I decided to pursue a master's degree and simultaneously do internships to get some real work experience. It was a grueling 3 years but after I was done, about 32 years old, I had a graduate degree and experience and I quickly got a decent job. Then I met my husband, and had a kid and got another decent job. I'm still far from successful, but considering I started with nothing 5 years ago, I'm grateful for the progress. However, like another poster stated I still feel like I wasted my life. I mourn the time I wasted (basically up to 30 years old), all the time. Start NOW getting your s**t together, because better late than never, trust me. My husband went back to school and got his bachelor's degree at 34 years old. He also then did internships, though his were paid. Now at 38 he's pretty darn successful.
  17. Abusive relationships are even harder to get over because you feel like you never really "won" that person's heart, so you repeat over and over in your head why you weren't good enough or why they "changed" for their new partner or whatever. It can take a long time to get over an abusive relationship, and you may never fully recover from it. It will be a weak spot in your mind for many years. I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years and it took honestly about 3 years to really feel "moved on" from it. Even now though if I think of him and wonder how he's doing, I can feel myself getting upset. So I just don't let my mind wander there.
  18. I don't understand why your wife would expect you to entertain or provide companionship during your work hours. It doesn't matter that she finished her work. If you're still working then it's your responsibility as an employee and adult to finish your work. There have been times in the past when my husband worked from home and it never, ever occurred to me that he should stop working, fail to meet deadlines/expectations and hang out with me instead. I think your wife needs to read up on dependency issues and see how she can address her neediness with friends/hobbies/educational interests.
  19. I don't address it in therapy. I don't have therapy, although I wish I did. I work full time and have a 15 month old baby to take care of the minute I get out of work. No family nearby to help. If I ever did really, really need therapy I would make it happen though.
  20. Yes, I hate my appearance as well. For a long time I thought no guy would really commit to me because of it. I ended up getting married somehow (to a pretty good looking guy nonetheless) and I still don't understand how my husband looks past all my glaring physical imperfections. I always feel like I have to overcompensate for my perceived physical flaws by contributing in other ways, like taking on most of the household chores, constantly trying to look nice, be warm and funny, become successful in career, etc. I worry that if I stop doing these things I'll become totally useless.
  21. If you're trying to work for a university, you might want to start with a position you're slightly overqualified for, like something administrative or customer service-based. And also play up your resume to focus on your administrative and customer service skills. There is also an element of age-discrimination in university admin hires, so you might want to limit your resume to only the last 10 years and not list the years you graduated from college/grad school. After you're hired and you work an admin position for a couple years, you're much more desirable for other positions because your familiar with the university software and polices/processes which take forever to train, so they would rather promote internally if possible. Some positions you might want to look into...student advisor, program manager/analyst/coordinator...etc.
  22. If you seriously think "I want to become famous" is enough for you to succeed as the creator of a major animated series, then stick with government work. It's clear that you don't fully comprehend the extraordinary skillset, passion and perseverance required to become a leader in animation. Animators who work for major studios like Disney, Pixar, and Nickelodeon work their assess off as interns and contractors only AFTER they've built seriously impressive portfolios for themselves, on their own time, usually over years. Once they get a toe in the door as a sh*t paid contractor with zero benefits, they begin the grueling competitive process of proving their value and working their way up over the course of years to become an associate animator or illustrator in the company, if they're very lucky. Only then can they even consider applying for a senior or lead position, or even having the street credibility and portfolio to start their own studio. You think all these people are being driven by a desire for "fame"? No, no, no. Ha! They have to love what they do, not just love, but eat, drink, breathe and sweat what they do. If you don't feel that way about animation, and you aren't willing to put in the work, then you might want to consider a different career path. I also work in government. My husband works in your field at a major studio, and I have many friends in major studios and I wouldn't trade positions with any of them. The workload and pressure on their shoulders is enough to drive anyone into a nervous breakdown, but what keeps them going is their passion for the art. If you don't have that passion then that's not your calling.
  23. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you need to dump this guy. His behavior isn' ttemporary, it isn't him 'figuring things out' or being 'scared of love' or any of the other bs you'll read online. It's all bs. Even if somehow you and this guy end up married or something, he will STILL be this way. And then you'll be stuck with him and his bullsh*t. Imagine you have kids and this dude is just like off doing his thing, ignoring your calls... This isn't a guy who's gonna step up. You deserve better.
  24. I'm currently on this medication, also on 20 mg. I was feeling the same way, so tired, sad and irritable, disoriented. I almost threw in the towel, but then read that some people take it at night. I started doing that (and to my surprise slept way deeper) and my daily tiredness mostly went away and the irritability is also vastly reduced. Before upping to 40 mg, you may want to see if your daughter responds better to taking it at night before bed.
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