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Everything posted by Azzurra18

  1. You sound like you have a great psychiatrist. I like when the focus on bettering the symptoms because it is the symptoms that are the worst, not the depression, anxiety, etc. overall.
  2. That was a great read and very understandable. I once had a doctor who said something beautiful and powerful - a doctor's job is to educate his or her patients. Although you "scare" your doctor (haha), I'm glad you found such a good one. Ones with good bedside manner are hard to come by which is why the day mine ever retires I'm going to feel lost.
  3. @Constant Challenge I'm really sorry you still are crying. Society really is a bummer that while the fight for gay and lesbian rights still must go on, the fight for transexuals is even tougher. I know given what you said that it makes you even more challenged to find a partner, but never say never. Whether it be a gay woman who accepts you or another transexual woman who does, I'm sure there is somebody out there. Just don't give up. If you will be on the move, is there any way you can invest in an RV? Either way, I really loved @Epictetus's positive points, especially about the impossibility of the future only holding unhappy things for you. I also agree with him that you get surprised in the places you least expect.
  4. @roadking02 - I'm really sorry about your breakdown. Those are no fun, especially at night. I used to feel the same way regarding being normal, but truthfully there is no normal. There is only a perception of normal by society, which is boring. I'm sorry about your medical issues and all the surgeries you had. You definitely deserve happiness and you can have it again by working on having confidence in who you are and loving yourself. When things don't work out with a girl, that just simply means it's for the best. You don't want to have to deal with somebody who is fake or doesn't know what she wants. Your friend Eric is awesome. Please hold onto him. You CAN do all that he has said. It may not be easy but difficult and impossible are not synonymous.
  5. The good news is even though you feel your depression robbed you of some experiences you wish you had, you are still so very young and the future is yours. There is so much for you to do and see out there and you can always learn from whatever wrong choices you made. You still can have friends and a relationship once you take good care of yourself. I'm happy that you see a therapist and how that he or she helps you. If you ever feel it's going nowhere, find another therapist. As for your job, it may not be the ideal place for you. If so, when you're ready hold onto it while you look for something much better. I know what it's like to not want to be here. I can safely say many people want you to be here including myself and this whole forum. I'm glad you came here. This is a great place where you will find endless support.
  6. @roadking02 - I understand. We are never responsible for the reactions of others. We can work hard to make sure we never offend somebody or hurt their feelings, but sometimes we don't really get on with certain people no matter what is said and if it's not meant to be it's better to learn early on in a relationship or friendship.
  7. @roadking02 The inspiration will hit you eventually if not tonight. What worries you the most regarding your social life and relationships? Is there perhaps a connection between that and why you become angry with yourself
  8. Welcome, @zxcv90! I highly recommend that you take little steps. Firstly, take care of yourself because when we don't take care of ourselves, it is impossible to take care of others. Once you've got a grip on things, then you can finally seek friendship. This is essential rather than just skipping to a relationship with a girl. From experience, I can tell you it is difficult being with a guy who has no friends. Having friends helps produce great romantic relationships because you learn to relate to others and feel grounded, especially when things with a girl doesn't work out. You will find somebody great when the time is right.
  9. Welcome, @Hiphoppa! Abuse is such a hard thing to experience and I'm so sorry for how you have been poorly mistreated. You certainly deserve much better than that. Because you're such a caring individual, it is no wonder you stay with her and try to want to help her. However, whenever you are in a relationship (same goes with friendships), you have to also at times think of yourself and be able to determine if a relationship has gone toxic like yours has. Your girlfriend's situation is important, but you have done more than most people have. You need to find the strength to walk away because you are not in a safe situation. She will have to deal with her own problems as an adult.
  10. Welcome, @tickledpuppy! What an adorable username. I'm so sorry for all that you have gone through and my condolences about your daughter. I'm really happy that you have been able to survive two strokes and truly admire your general strength. Disability certainly isn't easy to live off from, but I'm glad you have a great interest of fixing up your RV. Do you still keep in touch with your brother and cousins? I hope that you have been able to make friends in Tennessee. Sometimes finding people with whom you can build a connection makes you feel home no matter where you are.
  11. I truly know how you feel. I have dealt with depression for over twenty years and have gone through many periods where I wondered if there was a point to anything anymore. It's no fun just wanting feel like you want to die, but at the same time wanting to live deep down. Just the fact that you experience the latter shows your will and you deserve to live and have as many experiences as possible. I know you mentioned just above that you gave up on meds, but do you go to therapy? I waited too long to do anything about my depression. Therapy was the one thing I refused for the longest time because I told myself I could just deal with it because I would just try to hold onto any high periods, even if short-lived. Going to therapy changed my entire way of coping so I always will be a huge advocate for it.
  12. I've been to a few other places through the years and agree that not everybody is nice. If you can't get help from a site moderator or block anybody who is a pest, just ignore that person. It's the one great thing you can do online that you can't do when somebody bothers you in person.
  13. I'm really sorry for how you have been feeling. I love that you were able to have a lot of good experiences, especially at the monastery and that in the past things have worked for your depression. I think you're on an excellent track. The medication (even if it does have to be adjusted - that may be it) combined with therapy will help you battle what you're feeling. Don't give up on everything else like meditating and journaling. Depression is pesky. It's so frustrating that it can't be something like a sinus infection where you can take something for it and include home remedies like hot tea and cold compresses for it to go away and not come back. Please hang in there. I know it's tough, especially when you feel your lowest, but you have achieved so much in the past to battle it.
  14. My small victory is simply that I feel great a few days in a row now and even though I know a slump will always be in the future, for the first time I'm focusing on the now.
  15. Panic attacks are really uncomfortable. :( I'm sorry you are experiencing them. I haven't had one in a year, but when I used to get them my heart would race and my chest would be in agony. My limbs used to go tingly and my legs would get so restless making my body think if I ran for a while the panic attack would go away (running did nothing).
  16. @Misanthrop - I know you said you didn't wish any ill will on @Ba3inga and while it's okay to be curious, your words were a bit harsh. This entire place consists of people who have been through the mental ringer and while we can all relate to each other, we shouldn't judge decisions, especially regarding employment. We need to celebrate everybody's positive news because this entire forum should be all about support. It probably wasn't your intention to appear hurtful, but it wasn't what you said, it was the way you said it.
  17. @MCMG - It's one thing to get accustomed to what you hear, but to take it with a grain of salt/"yes" them to death, but never give anybody the power to make you hollow.
  18. @Hidiety - I wish childcare wasn't so expensive. It's like paying private school tuition. I'm really sorry I misread what you wrote about family. Well, that's even worse that they think that way.
  19. Today is very sunny and hot, but not uncomfortable.
  20. @Hidiety I definitely understand you. I'm sorry she calls you selfish. I can see how it gets to you after the fact. I was like you where my husband would give me a hard time as I was leaving the door and then the entire time I was gone I didn't get to fully enjoy it. I would agree that her depression is preventing her from going out. You did the right thing by making suggestions. I've done the same thing with my husband with the same results. Do her sister and cousins invite her to their house or out somewhere? If they do the inviting, it's a little bit easier to coax her out. She may not always say yes, but even if she at least accepts their invitation once in a while she may feel encouraged to go out more. I know you work opposite schedules for the sake of childcare, but I commend you both for doing that for your kids. I can only imagine how stressful it is. To be honest, though, even if having the same schedule were feasible it believe it or not wouldn't necessarily make things better especially if you are both depressed. The marriage counselor will definitely address this and dispense some good advice. My husband and I have very similar schedules, but the excess of time spent in the same room sometimes causes tension and he also gets so dependent on me being around that it has made it harder for him to part with me when I have wanted to do something without him. As for your families, it's so annoying when they try to get involved and voice their opinion when it wasn't wanted in the first place. They sound too old-fashioned and perhaps the reason why they never spent time apart is why they ended up divorcing. You're welcome. Anytime.
  21. @Hidiety - I think you and your wife will find marriage counseling very beneficial. He or she will first ask why you're going and take it from there and will encourage all the good things you do in your marriage while of course allotting you both the time to take turns to express about how you feel about your own issues as well as each other's. I hope you bring up the "me" time problem to the counselor. As long as you both are spending alone time where you can like when the kids go after bed or if you ever have anybody babysit for the night where you can go out to dinner for a couple of hours then you both certainly can use time apart for in a while. It's not even like you're doing it every week even right now. However, being you mentioned your wife is insecure that's why she thinks you should spend all your time with her. Does she do anything for her depression? Thanks for explaining the acronyms. I'm so sorry to hear about your childhood! That is so sad all you had to endure and suffer from PTSD as a result. I hope that being around others in your position helps there. As for DBSA, maybe you feel you don't fit there because it's broad and not specific to what causes your depression. I do hope eventually it helps, but if it doesn't I wonder if there is any other group they'd let you go to that's more fitting for you. I'm a big believer in if something doesn't work, something new should be tried.
  22. I know it is terrifying to be your age and not know what you want to do with the rest of your life. Many college freshmen this fall are in the same boat. College is very different than high school. There are things that may trigger what you want your major to be if computer-related things no longer interest you. Don't worry right now about getting a degree you will never use. If you ever were to get a job that you realized after a few years that you didn't like there are options like getting a Master's in something on a "change-of-career" path. However, don't worry about that right now. What concerns me is you very much may still be into all the stuff you mentioned, but you're too depressed to enjoy it or have confidence in yourself. Not taking care of yourself either or leaving the house are always signs. I really advise you to start going to therapy. Sometimes talking to a professional will help overcome this and if you need medication, the therapist will tell you his or her opinion on the matter and then you would then see a psychiatrist to get a prescription. Go to college with an open-mind. It's so much more liberating and fun than high school.
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