Hi Epictetus, jsop4,
Thank you so much for taking your time and replying to me. It means more than you.
When I surround myself with friends, I am capable of not feeling depression. I Feel like I'm able to enjoy life and I genuinely have a good time. When I'm alone and in my thoughts and think about where my life is now compared how I envisioned it makes me sad. I was in a relationship, and because of my dedication to school, I wasn't able to commit and he left me. Since then I lost hope in everything and I lost my drive. I cant concentrate when it comes to studying. I also have changed as a person towards my friends. Me and bestfriend got really close, and I have so many expectations when it comes to our friendship, we fight all the time mainly because I have trust issues. And I don't understand why these issues even exist. Ultimately I don't have a career, and I was such an ambitious girl growing up and I knew everything I wanted in life and how to get it. I feel like I'm in a rut and I just cant get out. I just want to be okay again. I want to be able to start studying again and not have treacherous thoughts flowing through my mind. I feel lonely at the library trying to study especially when i don't have my friend here with me. I feel like i have become so dependent on people for emotional stability, and i never used to be like that. I have also turned into a pessimist, and i am doing really well at hiding it. But then again i actually genuinely have fun when I'm out with friends and family, that's why i haven't taken what i have been feeling seriously. i really don't know where to begin when it comes to research, i feel the more i read about this stuff the more it makes me depressed, and anxious about my future. And i really cant afford a therapist at this point in my life. Even coming on this forum and signing up for it took the life out of me.
Thank you for your time.