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cariv

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About cariv

  • Birthday 03/07/1974

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Oregon
  • Interests
    hiking, sewing, coloring, spending time with my kids and husband, gardening

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  1. 2017 has been a terrible year so far. I have spent 6 weeks of it in the hospital after attempting suicide in January while the doctors have tried to adjust my meds and get them right. I have bipolar, anxiety, sever depression and PTSD. I am starting to do much better now, but it has taken so much out of me to get to this point. So much guilt has consumed me as I have been away from my husband and teenage daughter. I spend so much time wishing things have been different. I find myself having to choose everyday to be positive, starting each day be journaling and deciding that the day will be good. I have started a "positive journal" each day I write an entry of something positive that happened that day, something that is going to happen, or something I'm looking forward to, Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't. I keep hoping that one day I will wake up and I won't have to choose, but that it will come naturally, that I will feel good and it will just happen. Until then, I will keep trying to stay positive by choosing to make that day good, and if I fail and that day is a bad one, I will start over that next day. I know that I'm not alone, I know that there are others that share my pain and that have to choose each day. It's all in the choosing. I can't help that I struggle with depression, but I can control how I respond to my depresssion. I will no longer let it control me or cause me to hurt my family. Guilt is a useless emotion, it only causes useless pain and anxiety. There is no good that comes from it. I grew up experiencing guilt all the time, my family accomplishing everything through guilt. It left me feeling resentful and angry I don't want to feel that way any longer. So here's to my new happiness and my new positive attitude, looking to the future with an optimistic eye. Cheers!
  2. Thank you all for your encouragement/advice. it's hard to feel like you are doing everything you can to get better and get criticized. I do have MS as well which adds another challenge for me, but I am determined to overcome and be whole and happy for my family. I love my kids more than anything and want them to be happy and to have the best and a "normal" mom is part of that, not a sad, depressed mom. I'm glad I have this outlet, as it is hard to talk to anyone in my life because I feel like it burdens them and they really don't understand.
  3. Thank you Glfinding for sharing and for your service, it brings home the meaning of the holiday. My daughter is in the JROTC program at her high school and they spend the day putting flags on all the veterans graves at the local cemeteries and I like to go and see all the kids paying respect to all the service men and women. I also went and put flowers on my mom's grave, she died 3 years ago at the age of 58.
  4. One of my friends came over this morning because she said she needed to talk to me, she started by telling me how much she cares about me. She than went on to tell me how much my depression is hurting my family and especially my kids. She said it's not fair to them to have to deal with a depressed mom who has to occasionally be hospitalized. She talked like I choose to be depressed, like I have control of it, doesn't she know if I could control it, I wouldn't be depressed? I am so angry right now, I wish that people understood more about depression......Rant over......
  5. I generally don't do anything on Memorial day weekend except go to my mom's grave and leave flowers, but this year we have made the whole weekend about my daughter's birthday (which is the 29th), because she is 15 and deserves a little pampering. I have been feeling pretty good for a change and it's been fun so far (although pretty hot here in Oregon). So what do you like to do on Memorial Day weekend to have fun?
  6. I watched it but didn't like it mostly because it seemed to be geared at teenagers. My 14 year old watched it with me, because I thought it was better than her watching it alone, and we discussed it but I would have rather she hadn't at all. Unfortunately, suicide is an issue that teens deal with, though,and my daughter has a 14 year old friend that attempted in September and I have attempted myself in the past. Even though I don't like it, I guess it's necessary that we keep an open discussion. It was a good conversation starter for us, and I could relate to a lot of it.
  7. Thank you for your support, it means the world to me. It was really scary to post this on Facebook, but I found support from my friends so far. It's nice to not have to hide anymore.
  8. Thank you for the encouragement, it does really help to know I'm not alone!
  9. With May being Mental Health Awareness Month I decided to share my story on my blog. I also shared my blog on facebook and now I'm trying to decide if that was stupid. Will people judge me? What will people say? I'm second guessing myself so bad, but I'm so tired of living my life in silence always pretending to be great when I'm not, keeping my true self a secret and living in isolation. So hopefully it wasn't the dumbest thing I've done, I guess I'll see. So, being a safe place I'll share the story that I shared publicly. It's very short and I kept many details because I wasn't that brave. With May being mental health awareness month I have decided to share my struggle with depression, bi-polar disorder, PTSD, and anxiety. I have never shared this with anyone except a few close friends and my family because I have always been ashamed and embarrassed, but I have learned that it isn't my fault or my choice but a disease that I have not chosen. On the other side, I have chosen to do everything in my power to be healthy and to combat this disease and to not let it control my life, So here is my story. I believe that I have struggled with bi-polar disorder for many years, although I didn't know what it was. My symptoms kept me more on the high side of the "roller coaster" leaving me with lots of energy, allowing me to function without sleep for night after night and still feel energetic. I didn't struggle with the depressive side until after Rebecca died in 1995, when I slipped into a deep depression. That is also the first time that I was aware of my depression in a very real way. It took a few months and after that I was okay for many months. After being diagnosed with MS in 2003 depression became a very real part of my life, I was also struggling with PTSD from events from my childhood and the violent attack and rape that I suffered in 1997. I had never gotten counseling to deal with either one, so for some reason when I began to suffer from the depression, it also began to show up in a bad way. The depression seemed to take over my life. It became hard for me to function at times and sometimes I had a hard time even finding the will to live. If it hadn't been for my husband and children sometimes I'm not sure I could have found that will. No matter how hard I tried, the depression sometimes just took me under so deep that it was like climbing out of a hole with no leverage. In June of 2010 I attempted suicide by overdosing on pain pills. After taking the pills I got really scared and called my mom and told her what I had done. She took me to the hospital where I had to drink nasty charcoal. After that, I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital where I was put on medications to treat my depression and received counseling and treatment. It was a very scary time in my life and left me feeling scared, a bit crazy and distanced from my family and friends because I didn't feel like they understood what I was going through and often they did not. Living isolated and in silence didn't help my depression any and over the next several years I have struggled with many more ups and downs that this disease brings. I am finally on the right medicines and am feeling good mentally for the first time in a very long time. The nice thing about feeling good mentally is that I also feel good physically. I know that I will still struggle with the disease of bi-polar and depression throughout my life, but having control of my life will help me stay a step ahead of it. I am no longer afraid to share my story because my true friends and my family will be there to support me, and I love them for that. I could not do it without them. So in the short, that is my story.
  10. 2017 has been a terrible year so far. I have spent 6 weeks of it in the hospital after attempting suicide in January while the doctors have tried to adjust my meds and get them right. I have bipolar, anxiety, severe depression and PTSD. I am starting to do much better now, but it has taken so much out of me to get to this point. So much guilt has consumed me as I have been away from my husband and teenage daughter. I spend so much time wishing things have been different. I find myself having to choose everyday to be positive, starting each day be journaling and deciding that the day will be good. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't. I keep hoping that one day I will wake up and I won't have to choose, but that it will come naturally, that I will feel good and it will just happen. Until then, I will keep trying to stay positive by choosing to make that day good, and if I fail and that day is a bad one, I will try to start over that next day. I know that I'm not alone, I know that there are others that share my pain and that have to choose each day but sometimes I feel so isolated. No one in my life understand, many think that I am crazy or seriously messed up, but I don't think I am. I try to think that it's not my fault that I have this terrible curse called depression. I just wish that things were different.
  11. Welcome Suhi. I also have found the most caring, considerate and encouraging people here. I hope that you will find the same and that the stories that you hear will encourage you that you are not alone. I'm glad that you came across this sight!
  12. I understand how you feel. I have to talk my self out of bed everyday and sometimes its only because I know that I have to get my teenager moving. I never used to be like this either, but it seems like it just gets harder and harder to get motivated and want to do something. If it weren't for my daughter I probably wouldn't most of the time. I'm thankful for a husband who puts up with me, but feel guilty that he has to at the same time. I really hate depression. I wish there was some kind of support group locally that I could make friends at that get it. I don't really have any friends anymore because I have isolated myself so much, lonliness doesn't help at all.
  13. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to what you are going through, though. It has taken 8 years for the doctors to find a combination of medications to work for me that make me feel better. I have had to switch doctors a couple of times because they wouldn't listen to me and find someone who would. It has also taken a compassionate and smart therapist to help me deal with having depression and all that comes with it. Depression is barbaric and can steal your life and all your joy, but there is hope. Don't give up, if you aren't getting better tell your doctor, if they don't listen don't be afraid to move on. I hope that things get better for you soon!
  14. Spiders, it doesn't matter if they are tiny or just a daddy long legs they scare me to death. My family finds it funny to watch me freak out and I guess it probably is to watch, I would probably laugh too!
  15. I feel like I'm unable to keep my depression at bay for very long before it spirals out of control again. My psychiatrist doesn't think I need med changes but I'm not sure. I finally found a good therapist that I like and she dumped me today because my $40 copay didn't go through my bank (which has never happened before), she suggested that maybe I can't afford her services. I just feel like maybe it's hopeless, and frankly I just get tired of trying. I hate where I'm going, because every time I feel this way I inevitably will end up in the hospital again. My anxiety is also going crazy and my doctor won't give my anti-anxiety meds because they are addictive so I just have to live with it. I just don't know what to do. I hate being negative but I feel at my wits end anymore, thank you for letting me vent, though!
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