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After Rain

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  1. I'm curious...do you guys think it's more difficult to see the CO that is on your mind every waking moment (either in a pleasant or painful way) as part of the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder spectrum than, say, the more "well known" OCD manifestations of obsessive cleaning, counting, self grooming, symmetry, etc? And if so, why?
  2. Maybe a good way to kind of baby-step telling trusted friends/family about your obsession is to just address it abstractly. Instead of plowing in with the whole sordid tale at once, throw in there that "part of" your problem "might" also has to do with "obsessive thinking about certain things", lol. Have the stress be on the struggle to keep the preoccupation at bay - because that IS the real core issue, after all. They don't need to know right away (or at all) that is a celebrity or even a person. OCD-type thinking comes in a million different forms but what they all have in common is how they halt your life & growth and the shame that so often comes with it. Soooooo many people out there struggle with some form of OCD. Just because yours has to do with an attractive stranger doesn't make yours more shameful than the ones people tend to open up about more (hand washing, counting, etc).
  3. I actually haven't had an actual CO in many years - the one I am referring to in my 20s I overcame with a good therapist, prozac (and STAYING ON IT even when I felt like a looser for being on it) and a ton of reading on mindfulness/meditation & thought disorders in general. I actually developed a really rewarding fascination with psychology & the nature of love/attachment as a result. I will always be the type to have extra mad love for the artists, actors, etc who move me the most, but now they remain purely muses & inspiration that enrich my life and give me stuff to share with other actual loved ones. They take up residence in a nice little guest house in the back of my brain & heart instead of being the drunk guest at the party who wrecks the place and refuses to leave ;)
  4. That is fantastic to hear! How has that been holding up? Have there been things you are doing to fill the space?
  5. In reading a bunch of these posts today, I myself was wondering...there are many who put down the sig. others of their COs (like yourself! ;) ) and openly badmouth them (understandably, mind you - this page NEEDS to be about being free to vent the stuff you can't anywhere else). But I wonder if anyone's CO are these significant others?? Lol...what a conundrum...wanting to be supportive but at the same time getting so triggered hearing the one you love ripped to shreads. Has that ever happened here before?
  6. It looks like people are trying to chat with me, but it says I can't use chat till I have like 20 posts or something...sorry :(
  7. I was just cleaning out a closet full of old journals & papers when I saw "thee" journals from 20-some years ago commemorating my "lost years" of obsession with a musician. Needless to say, I know what the majority of you are describing. I remember it vividly despite it being so long ago. I remember the pain of waking up in the morning and for a SPLIT SECOND having the brain of a "normal" functioning 25 year old - clear and lucid - till the black cloud of longing, limerence and nauseating pain rushed back to its fixed position over my f**king head. I also remembered the following years after "recovery", if you want to call it that, when I decided if I could get anything positive out of that horrible experience, it would be to TRY and help allieviate shame in people silently suffering with this or any kind of limerent feeling for a person (in their actual life or not). What I discovered in those following years was - SO MANY PEOPLE SECRETLY EXPERIENCE THIS! I am talking people who you would NEVER guess in a million years! Those who seem dynamic and attractive and smart and even self-aware. People can seem very open about so many things, yet obsessive limerent longing for an unattainable person for some reason in many (esp ones who want to appear put-together) can be the ULTIMATE "never tell" secret shame. Now I am not saying all experiences are remotely the same. But I can say that, once you start owning your problem (which you did NOT ask for, will onto yourself or want in ANY way) and are able to talk about it with no judgement in regards to yourself, and with some humor, you start finding yourself a source of relief to those around you silently suffering. And THAT is real connection. I know this is what many of you are getting out of this page. But in my own experience, what REALLY became magic was when I could use it to touch & connect with people in my own life. THEN the whole s*itstorm became a blessing. No different than thousands of others who go through horrible illnesses, addictions or accidents and now help others where they were. Those people are seen as heroes. Why is your problem - again which you did NOT ask for - any less of a "cause" deserving of sympathy and "spokespeople?" The reason is SHAME. Some part of my pain during those years was longing for a person who did not know I existed. I know now that MOST of my pain was toxic shame about my lack of control over my mind. It's the shame that keeps wounds open, lives stuck, and hearts closed to real opportunities and the magic of real interaction people. It's shame that keeps you from getting help - and if you do get help - from really LISTENING to and TRUSTING your therapist, STICKING WITH whatever regimen you 2 come up with towards recovery. From being PROACTIVE. It's shame that makes you do impulsive, unfair things towards yourself and others like rush into relationships or marriage in an attempt to "bury" your out-of-control thinking under the guise and responsibilities of "normalcy". I have been on prozac for over 20 years now. Did I feel "not myself" when I went on it? Hell yes...THANK FREAKING GOD! Do I still have ups & downs, bawl over sad movies & songs, get stuck in thought patterns? Yes. I am still me, I just don't fall down a freaking well for weeks/months/years at a time anymore. I still have my "edge" - but I no longer need to be SO freaking edgy! Living like an emotional edward scissorhands sucks! Living cooped up in your castle sucks. I have no idea "how" to stop a brain from torturing itself, from casting this freaking evil spell of "nothing is as vibrant, good, alive, satiating, delicious, compatible, needed and MINE as ________(who I can not have)" All I know from my own experience is if you start obsessing in a good (non-judgemental) way over the HOW and WHY of your own self & obsessions, try to look at your situation not as pure failure and "waste of months/years/life" but as SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE...and happens to far, far more people than the handful on this site, you can somehow take the first steps towards pulling out of the trap. You feel less alone, less like a freak, less broken, etc. Ok, maybe still "broken" - lol ;) - but among a sea of "broken" who can still grow, create, live, share, etc, despite a hiccuping brain that might need therapy and/or meds. You can't stop trying to help yourself. Read about limerence and obsessive "love" - see it for what it is! Get to know your own condition of having clinical depression, anxiety, OCD or whatever with the same fervor and intensity you hunt down every scrap you can find on your CO. Guys especially - don't be so terrified about "loosing your identity" or "being labled" as a stalker headcase or whatever. That shame is part of what is suffocating you. EVERYone - including your COs, I assure you (especially them! lol) is a "headcase" - but the REAL headcases out there are those to let shame and fear of being judged/exposed/labled negatively trap and stunt their lives because they refuse to fight for themselves and own their fight....and over time take pride in their fight. Oh my lord people I am so sorry for this rant!!! GAH! I have been cooped up with the flu for 4 days on top of being snowbound with no one to blab to. Please keep in mind that everything that sounds like me lecturing you all is in a huge way really me reminding MYSELF of all this. Another bonus to overcoming your "brain shame" - you end up being just as much of a help to yourself (if not more) in your attempts to help others. Oh, and one more thing.... to the person who said something along the lines of "how stupid I was to think my life was over in my 20s...now I am 30 and it's REALLY over!" Omg...the lols! Not at all in a mean or making fun way - just try to remember saying this when you are 40 ;) 30 IS SO FREAKING YOUNG! So is 40 for that matter, and beyond depending on how well you take care of yourself. Unless your goals are to be a female olympic gymnast, a supermodel or a pop star, I assure you 30 still gives you waaay more than enough time to do what you want to in life (and still look good doing it! ;)
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