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DebAnn

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  1. The best place in the world to me is my house and my yard and flower gardens. My psychologist wanted me to go out every day - for a walk, to the store, to the mall, coffee with a friend. It sounded like she was asking me to do the hardest thing in the world. I was not able to go out every day and it has been 2 years and it is still hard. If there is too much going on, I need a day to sit in my house, alone, and regenerate. I have come to the conclusion that this is it, I will never be able to work again due to anxiety and my memory completely shuts down. My husband does the grocery shopping. He has been sick so I had to do it. It was the first time in over 3 years and felt so foreign that I developed an awful migraine, with dizziness and upset stomach. I was thankful that I was not alone or I would have just left the cart and walked out. I hated it. The future is scary, Some days I feel like I am fine and then try to finish paperwork - the same paperwork that I have needed to complete for over a year. This paperwork is necessary for our financial future. And to think I used to work in an office and be super efficient and always looking at ways to improve the office. I was a great employee but gradually I started forgetting what I was doing and then anxiety would be choking me. I have to start my thankful list. I am thankful for my home, I am thankful for my family, etc. I am only a shadow of who I was and that is the hard part to deal with. I have failed my kids and wasted too much time depressed, worrying and not being there - there in body but no in mind. That is what really bugs me, the time I steal from my family and they do not deserve it. I have learned to be a good actor and smile and pretend I am having fun. This makes my kids happy and it is one step forward to be able to play board games, watch movies with the kids and have family dinner at the family table. Some days, it is hard, hard, hard to even think of what to make for dinner. I have PTDS, major depression disorder, adhd, anxiety, agoraphobia, panic disorder, OMG hard to believe - how did this happen to a very independent me?
  2. Depression feels different at different times. Sometimes I picture falling down a hole, falling, falling, falling and there is no bottom I am falling backwards with my arms and legs toward the top. I have no way to stop, arms and legs cannot even cushion me if I ever reach the bottom. The fear is that there is never a bottom and this will go on forever. Another scenario is There is nothing as lonely as feeling all alone in the room full of people.
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