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Everything posted by Sophy

  1. Struggling. Not in a "bad" way. Just s t r u g g l i n g to get these things done. One complicated/ boring/ annoying/ challenging step after another. Everything takes 10 x as long as it would without the PTSD triggers. Patience is a virtue. But I am not very virtuous sometimes... : D
  2. Yeah, the paranoia must be tough. Maybe you can gently raise the issue of medical power of attorney by starting the conversation from the other way round. That it would make you be able to help her, if she is feeling paranoid about the treatment she is getting? I think it's also possible to limit a med power of attorney to this particular condition and maybe for a space of, say, 2 months duration. Seeing as your living arangements/ plans for your life/ plans for the future depend on the outcome and treatment of this medical condition, I would try and be involved in the decision making, if I were you. But that may just be my take, and yeah, the issue of paranoia is difficult. Keep us updated on the progress and what seems to be the direction it's heading in post the initial 3-day stay...
  3. It sounds like you are recovering from the initial shock, a bit, and getting your bearings. Take this one day at a time and know that some days will be easier and some will be very challenging. It sounds like you will make sensible decisions that are best for all involved when you are ready to. Good luck to your partner - hopefully she will be getting good treatment and will stabilise over time. I'm sure they will sort out her meds better in an inpatient setting, if she stays there. Has your partner given you "medical power of attorney" so you can consult with her treating doctors and therapists, both the regular ones and the inpatient ones at the hospital? They wouldn't divulge private info from therapy, I dare say, but would be willing to discuss treatment options, med options, prognoses etc, if you have medical power of attorney. You should be able to find a form for it by googling and can ask your partner to sign it, next time you visit her. Have you seen her since she's been admitted? Is there any talk of what will happen "after" the 3-day evaluation? From your description, it doesn't sound like she's in a fit state to return home?
  4. I've heard of this before. I was surprised, but quite a few people get this. Could this be trauma related? Any trauma in your childhood? Or could it be a claustrophobic thing of being "stuck" in a small space? Could you put the radio on in the bathroom with something postive/ cheerful (music?) and set a timer for, say 2 or 3 minutes, so you can promise yourself mentally "this'll just be 2 minutes then it's over" ?
  5. I think an important factor in making progress re this stuff is to be more *generous* about my PTSD triggers. For example, when the mailman rings the doorbell, my conscious brain is fully aware that it's "just the mailman" and that nothing bad or weird is gonna happen. But my subconscious brain/ my body has an immediate and quite strong PTSD reaction that "anyone" ringing the doorbell/ approaching/ interacting with me is a potetial threat/ harmful, which has me tensing up and stress hormones coursing through my veins. I do get exasperated with these PTSD reactions - it is so ANNOYING to have the drama of a "this may be harmful" reaction going on, when all you need to do is go and get the mail and then get on with the rest of the day's (substantial!) workload. There is no time/ energy for needless PTSD drama. So in these situations, with my conscious brain I'll usually end up berating my PTSD reaction, telling myself to "not be so stupid" and telling my body/ subconscious to "shut up" and "stop it". On the one hand, this is just a reaction of frustration about constantly having PTSD stuff crop up, when the day would be a thousand times easier with out it. On the other hand, it's also a negative reminder of my childhood, when my family would say those same things (don't be so stupid/ shut up/ stop it) when I would struggle with the traumatic situations. So in the sense that it is a repetition of that stuff, there is a toxic element to it More to the point, it's only semi-helpful. Yes, it's a reasonable reminder not to over-react and create needless inner drama about the mailman wanting to drop off a parcel of something I've ordered on Amazon. But while not buying into the inner drama can be good, I'm finding that being "dismissive" about it isn't resolving it. I'm at a point in my healing journey now, where I need to acknowledge this stuff more gently and with more humour. I need to feel more comfortable with the fact that an Amazon parcel arriving at my door will generate a (mild) trauma response, and then say some kind words to myself, breathe, do something to ground myself and then gently move on. It's time to stop being so harsh and dismissive of my PTSD reactions, in my inner dialogue, day to day. (I'm good at being kind to myself about this stuff during therapy, but during daily life, I can get exasperated by it.)
  6. Aww, thank you sweetheart!! : ) I feel much better now - it seems it was really good for me to get that stuff out of my system. I feel like I "processed" that stuff somehow. This stuff has been bothering me for 10+ years and for the first time I feel like I have been able to make some peace with it. I am so grateful to have a space like DF, where if I speak about this stuff, there are people that "get" it. That makes such a difference and it helps me to stay on my healing journey and to grow with these challenges. Sometimes - like last week - it just feels painful and crap and it seems like there is no way forward. But the hard emotional work I did with it has paid off and now I feel a tentative peacefulness with it, instead of confusion and turmoil. Thanks for reaching out!! Yes, I'll PM you if I feel fragile - please do the same! : ) XXX
  7. I feel like a ten year old. : ) I set up a tent in the back yard today so I can enjoy the summer by sleeping outdoors at night. I live on a farm, so it's pretty peaceful. Right now, I can hear the crickets. My dog is in the tent with me and he is listening for all the sounds of the night. Right now our 2 kittens are being silly and playing outside the tent in the dark. They would like to come in the tent, but my dog will get grumpy and then there'll be a fuss and kerfuffle. I can faintly hear some cars on a very far off distant road. The air is fresh and cool. It's peaceful. Usually I can hear frogs when I go out at night, but tonight I can only hear the crickets. I am going to see if I can hear any bird calls at night.
  8. Hey Sage, I've done trauma therapy (as a patient) and the most important protocol is that you ONLY do as much as the client can handle. The therapist is meant to notice if you are overwhelmed and then stop the intense treatment and go back to stabilising. When you feel stable and strong THEN you go for the next session of intense treatment/ EMDR. Yes, trauma will tend to get better by confronting it (slowly and gently!) but only if it's done in doses you can handle. If it's too much and it overwhelms you, your brain/ psyche will just shut down in order to protect you. A good trauma therapist should know all this!!! Please talk to your EMDR therapist. If s/he knows this stuff, they will back off. If they don't know this stuff then they are not well trained!! Good luck and let us know how you go.
  9. This is most likely hemorrhoids - annoying, painful and they often bleed, but "harmless". If you have red (fresh) blood in your stool, it's 99% due to hemorrhoids. The blood that is due to bowel cancer has usually already congealed and turned dark/ brown coloured by the time you pass it. Most people don't notice this blood at all, hence the need for testing. Colonoscopies should not be painful. You get a mild anaesthetic (if you want) that puts you into a sleep state (not a general anaesthetic). You should not feel/ experience any of the procedure. They keep the anaesthetic very mild, so sometimes you might slightly wake up/ feel something briefly but then they will adjust the anaesthetic to be a bit deeper. The procedure is nothing to worry about. As LonelyHiker has described, the cleansing procedure beforehand with the laxative is actually the most unpleasant part of the whole thing.
  10. Yeah. I have so many stoopid chronic health issues - my motto has become "as long as I don't need chemo or a donor organ, don't complain". : P Our bodies are so complex, it's a wonder they work at all! I used to get freaked out by health scares, but I've had so many over the years and - like with IBS - found that often the worst pain/ symptoms come from the most harmless/ minimal causes... which is kind of crazy but also kind of a relief. I hope you can find out what's causing your symptoms. Any chance of getting back on that health insurance plan?
  11. Congratulations on the good result!! I have irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and it's gotten better over the years, but initially I would have terrible colic-y pain. I went to ER a couple of times because of it. I was in such pain I couldn't even speak, it felt like someone was knifing me in the tummy. Despite plenty of tests/ colonoscopies/ doctors visits, no one ever found out why I have it or what is causing it... The pain stopped being so intense and now I just live with average IBS symptoms.
  12. Awwwww poor thing. A new job with new responsibilities is a nightmare. It'll shake you to your core a few times yet, til you've learned to ride this new horse... I bet your anxiety levels are sky-high from all the uncertainty and needing to adjust. IMO you need to find a way to "balance" that in the first weeks of this new job. Do you have things that are super-soothing, super-comforting, super-relaxing? Try and do as MUCH of this stuff as possible while your nerves are so on edge and frazzled. If it means having a bubble bath every day for a month, then do it : ) You need un-stress antidotes for all of this stress that's going on. And keep breathing... Lean into the situation. I used to HATE HATE HATE office jobs. Now I'm like "Hah! I'm stronger than any sh*tty office job" (Yes... it took me til 40 to get there, but hey!) You know, what with you being so new at this job and this company, the CLEANING LADY probably knows way more about the company and what goes on there than you do right now. So don't worry about the junior co-worker... ; ) This is like learning to surf. The first weeks you will spend just about zero time ON your surf board. You'll swallow more salt-water than you'd wish. And then... one day... soon... as if by magic... you'll be ON the board... surfing... and wondering why you thought it was so hard at first... ??? *big hug* !!!
  13. Well, I am plodding along. Achieving stuff, bit by bit. It's not as much/ fast as I would wish, but not as slow/ little as I had feared, either. I'm still feeling much calmer, after finally having understood how this stuff triggers my PTSD. I feel like I've made a weird, tentative kind of peace with it. I'm also not doing what I used to do - which was that I'd get a rush of motivation (often due to pressure/ deadlines) and then do tons of work and then collapse in an exhausted mess afterwards. I'm very glad to not be experiencing that particular emotional rollercoaster, but to be plodding along at a steady (albeit utterly unspectacular) rate.
  14. I would find some causes that are dear to your heart. For example, if you like nature and wildlife, there are tons of FB groups/ pages for that and they always have interesting things you can "share" on your FB page. Or, if you like DIY, join lots of DIY FB groups/ pages and then all of the posts that capture your interest, you can share. That will create a lot of interesting content on your FB page - which is probly actually MORE interesting than some of the superficial blah many ppl post. You don't have to share YOUR stuff. You can just share things you CARE about and that is still reaching out/ connecting/ expressing yourself/ letting people know who you are. Also, you can join "humour" FB sites or "inspirational quotes" FB pages. Anything that you GENUINELY like and that resonates with you. That will then also resonate with others, when you share it.
  15. Are you sure that's true for everyone? Or possibly just your experience? I would estimate 90% of people find their level of depression MASSIVELY influenced by social triggers.
  16. Yes, the word "trigger" is used mostly in an anxiety or PTSD context. I guess certain things could also trigger a bi-polar episode. (I don't know enough about bi-polar to be sure.) I doubt that anyone thinks their depression is actually "triggered" by anything AS SUCH. Rather, I think that most people mean the following: Depression for most people fluctuates. We have bad days, super bad days, not-quite so bad days, meh days, okay-ish days and occasionally a pretty-good day. Sure, some people will experience a steady, constant, non-fluctuating level/ type of depression, but I would say that is more rare. Most people will experience that some things have a positive effect on their level of depression and some things have a negative effect. For me, not getting enough sleep is a massive contributor to having a horrible, awful, full-on depression day. With enough sleep, I can "function" on most days. Give me a bad night's sleep and I am a bleeping MESS. So I would call something like poor sleep/ lack of sleep a factor that heavily influences my depression. I think we all know other situations that worsen our depression too - for example your boss yelling at you, or having a bad fight with your partner. Things like this can 1) trigger anxiety - which will worsen the depression and 2) "trigger" a bout of bad depression/ send someone spiralling into deep depression for hours/ days/ weeks. I'm pretty sure that 95% of people are referring to this, when they say that an incident or situation triggers their depression. That their level of depression was moderate/ managable for a while and then a negative event caused their depression symptoms to worsen massively, in reaction to the event. As this is very similar to anxiety or PTSD symptoms being triggered by an incident or situation, I don't see a problem with referring to it as a trigger. I'm honestly convinced that everyone knows that depression is an UNDERLYING condition. And that the use of the word "trigger" simply refers to an incident that causes an intense worsening of depression symptoms in response to the incident. I assume you have such incidents/ situations happen to you too, that significantly affect the level of your depression on a given day? But possibly you are one of the people that has a very steady/ constant/ non-fluctuating type of depression and hence cannot relate to the many people who find their depression can fluctuate massively depending on positive and negative experiences in their daily life?
  17. Depression and anxiety make us fear the worst possible outcome. Seeing as you are in pain, I think this actually makes cancer less likely. Cancer usually gets missed because it is so "quiet" and pain-free. While there are no guarantees as regards this, try and focus on the more likely outcome, that is is a different, treatable illness. The stress of focussing on the worst possible outcome damages our health further. Good luck for Friday!!
  18. Could you explain what that's about? This is a normal word in psychology. You can choose not to use it. I don't think it's appropriate to ask others not to.
  19. I had a super unproductive day yesterday. Lack of sleep and anxiety due to triggers meant I was just "coping". I did manage to salvage the 2nd half of the day into a positive day mood-wise and did quite a lot of positive thinking and planning, but I didn't actually get any practical stuff DONE. While I feel more positive today, I'm also struggling with that sense of pressure and anxiety of "what if I don't get anything done at all" that is a constant background noise. I feel a lot calmer since all of the emotional stuff I went through a couple of days ago, deeply realising that this stuff is a PTSD trigger for me. I already "knew" that it was, but not in that deep "aha" kind of way. I feel like I have made peace with that aspect of it now. Given that the emotional work is often the "heavy lifting" and the practical work is far easier than the emotional work, this feels like a big burden that's been removed/ dealt with. I'm still struggling of course, but not as massively and not with so much emotional turmoil. Spending 6 weeks dealing with intense PTSD triggers is still playing head games with me and the daily prospect of needing to make myself *deal with it* rather than just running away or avoiding it, is blurgh. I am making *some* progress trying to structure my scary to-do list into managable chunks and an order of priority, but it is still a lot messier and muddled than I would like and I'm having a lot of trouble knowing where to start, because the pile of work feels/ seems so endless.
  20. I climbed 5 metres up a ladder to cut a branch out of a tree. I like that kind of exercise, where I am *doing* something. Also, I like the adrenaline involved in being up that high and needing to be careful not to fall off a ladder and needing to be careful while sawing the branch so that it doesn't fall and hit me or the ladder. Maybe I should do more adrenaline-based sport like mountain climbing or paragliding or skydiving : D The adrenaline seems to counteract and cut through the depression chemical soup in my brain.
  21. I didn't mean to say that you had heatstroke : ) As long as you're being careful, I think that's okay. I just meant for you to be aware of the symptoms of heatstroke so *in case* you notice them, you'll react wisely.
  22. Be careful. Take it slow and easy. Take a drink and stay in the shade as much as possible. You may have gotten heat stroke - check for the symptoms below: Heatstroke is a condition caused by your body overheating, usually as a result of prolonged exposure to or physical exertion in high temperatures. This most serious form of heat injury, heatstroke, can occur if your body temperature rises to 104 F (40 C) or higher. The condition is most common in the summer months. Heatstroke requires emergency treatment. Untreated heatstroke can quickly damage your brain, heart, kidneys and muscles. The damage worsens the longer treatment is delayed, increasing your risk of serious complications or death. Symptoms Heatstroke signs and symptoms include: High body temperature. A core body temperature of 104 F (40 C) or higher, obtained with a rectal thermometer, is the main sign of heatstroke. Altered mental state or behavior. Confusion, agitation, slurred speech, irritability, delirium, seizures and coma can all result from heatstroke. Alteration in sweating. In heatstroke brought on by hot weather, your skin will feel hot and dry to the touch. However, in heatstroke brought on by strenuous exercise, your skin may feel dry or slightly moist. Nausea and vomiting. You may feel sick to your stomach or vomit. Flushed skin. Your skin may turn red as your body temperature increases. Rapid breathing. Your breathing may become rapid and shallow. Racing heart rate. Your pulse may significantly increase because heat stress places a tremendous burden on your heart to help cool your body. Headache. Your head may throb.
  23. OMG Was it your blood sugar? Are you okay now?
  24. Hey 20years, Maybe things like Aspergers and dissociation are worth researching, if you think trauma is unlikely. The modern day research and understanding of Aspergers is much more positive than it used to be 20 or even 10 years ago. Tony Attwood's books are one good resource. Also, there is finally some more research being done as regards: - Aspergers in girls - Apsergers in adults Previously, Aspergers used to be treated as if only boy children had it. I'll send you a link to Aspergers in adult females via PM...
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