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Everything posted by Sophy

  1. I feel fragile today.I feel defeated and exhausted. I just had the flu for a week and when I go back to work tomorrow, there will be tons of work pile up waiting for me and I am not recovered from the flu properly yet so that just feels exhausting but I can't take anymore days off. I'm struggling with a range of depression issues at the moment and I don't know where to start. I grew up with really bad childhood trauma, which took a long, long time to recover from. I've pretty much recovered from it now, many years later, but I'm left with a lot of scars that will remain forever. I don't know how to make depression part of my life, properly. It's a big part of my life, but it's not my entire life. I want to be authentic about it but it's difficult. Often it feels like 90% of people struggle with depression but only 10% of people admit it. Those 10% are the ones who get the social stigma of mental illness. That makes no sense to me. When I pretend to people that I don't have depression, that I'm "fine" it means I do okay socially, because I don't expose myself to the social stigma of mental illness. But the price I pay for that is, that it's fake. And it makes my life feel fake, like depression is a big dirty secret. I've done enough therapy and been in enough support groups and been a mentor and been an advocate of mental health support for children, teens and adults. But at work and in my neighbourhood, I keep it a "secret" that I have depression. Because I don't like that it's a label. Because I don't like that people think it's a black and white issue. I'm so sick of this though. I'm a very strong person, gifted and bright, but I also have experienced childhood trauma and depression. I'm sick of people only seeing "half" of me. People who don't know about my depression think I'm strong, gifted and bright and "fine". People who know about my depression tend to view me as a "patient". Only true friends see both sides and true friends are rare. I'm so sick of lying about my depression in social situations, to avoid a social stigma. I'm not in my teens or twenties anymore, so I'm no longer afraid of social rejection the way teens and twens generally are. I want to find a mature way forward with this. Depression is half of my life. It's something I need to manage and deal with and some days it affects me a lot. It's kind of like diabetes or asthma. People with physical illnesses like that have to manage their conditions and it is a *part* of them. But no-one would "label" them as "You're a diabetic" or "You're an asthmatic" in terms of that being their identity. It's just one part of who they are, an important part among many othere important parts. Like someone might be a mum, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a best friend, a travel agent, a dog-owner, a cyclist, an environmentalist, an avid singer AND a diabetic. Well, I think the same is true of depression. If I were to write down my 20 most important qualities and roles, then depression would be ONE item on that list of twenty. And yet it's an important part of who I am. Like a diabetic, I have to make sure several times a day that I'm managing my depression. Like a diabetic, I check in with my doctor regularly, to make sure I'm managing my health well and to get advice if things aren't going according to plan. I'm just really sick of hiding it. Someone with diabetes or asthma doesn't have to hide their condition, so why do I? Whenenver I'm having a bad day depression-wise, I have to lie and say things like I didn't get much sleep last night or I have a migraine or something similar. It makes me feel like a freak. And it makes me feel like a liar. And it makes everything feel fake. For example, I've chosen to invest in overcoming childhood trauma, rather than in a big career. So when people ask me why I work in the job I work in, I wish I could say that it's what's best compatible with my health issues. I really wish I could be honest about this stuff. Or, if that's impossible, then I'd like to be really clear in my own mind that I refuse to be part of a society that treats things like depression so stupidly. I want to spend my time with people that I can be honest to. If society doesn't feel ready to be honest about things like depression, then I don't want to spend my time in those kinds of social spaces. I think the burden of hiding my depression and keeping it a social secret is almost as big a burden as the depression itself is. And I'm really sick of it. It's like the question I posted about "sport and depression" on the forum today - that's a question I can ask in only a tiny handful of places. In most places that have to do with sport, if I mentioned that I have depression and that it affects my ability to do sport, then people would look at me like I'm nuts. It makes every part of my life feel fake. I've come a really long way on my journey of overcoming childhood trauma and overcoming and learning to live with depression. But I've had to do all of it "in secret" and with the scars that will remain long-term, it looks like the secrecy is set to continue. And it feels like that will continue to undermine all my work in overcoming and living with depression. So sick of it.
  2. Hi all, I've been on this forum on and off for years and have struggled with depression since childhood trauma. The combination of depression with physical disabilities has always made it seem impossible for me to do regular sport/ fitness activities. Mentally and physically, I'm often so ill that I'm grateful if I make it through the day at all, let alone manage to do sport. When I do do sport, it often exhausts me so badly that I swear I'll never do it again. But I know that sport is a good idea and that in the long-term, it would help improve my health and well-being. Do you have any advice on how to approach this? Obviously motivation is important for sport but also a big problem with depression. How could I set realistic targets for sport that take my depression into account? I find it hard to talk about sport or to make a realistic training plan with people who don't have/ understand depression. Does anyone else here struggle with sport (motivation) because of their depression? If so, would you like to start a small group here to help motivate each other? I've struggled to do sport with depression for 20+ years and I'm sick of trying to make it work on my own. Hope there's likeminded people here. Love Sophy
  3. I'm starting to feel a bit better. I increased my anti-d's last week and I think it's starting to kick in. I had my day off today (always have Wednesdays off work) and I am starting to feel relatively confident about getting through Thursday and Friday okayish. I've also managed to get a bit more sleep, so I feel less drained. I'm still not able to do/ achieve much, which is frustrating, but I'm trying to be grateful that it's not as awful as it was a few days ago. I find it difficult, cos one step up from crisis is drudgery. Now I'm no longer in crisis, it's hard to feel *grateful* that I'm now dealing with drudgery. *sigh*
  4. Another day, same situation, same struggle. It's Sunday and I need to mark another set of exams. I allowed myself to have the morning off, because mornings are the hardest part of the day for me when I'm depressed. I managed to get yesterday's task done but it took me hours and hours and hours and hours. I got nothing else done at all. But I am grateful I managed to at least get that done, given how bad my depression currently is. I need to try and make a start on today's set of exam papers. I don't feel quite as awful as yesterday, but I feel more numb and less motivated. The reason I'm having a bad bout of depression is a relationship break-up. It's been a couple of months now, depending on what point during all the fighting you'd call the *actual* breakup. We're currently "not talking" for a month to give each other space and apparently we're going to "try and fix things" in a month's time but I don't see how and don't know if I want to anymore. The last few months have been horrible but I think/ hope that I'm slowly starting to get my footing again, tho it's excruciatingly slow progress and every step feels painful.
  5. Are you and your mum getting help from a social worker or something similar? I think you need to find support - it sounds like you're not going to be able to cope without help. There is help available but you need to seek it. Try googling support services in your area, or even asking the local church. Given how bad your depression is, you don't want to end up with the major stress of being homeless.
  6. Hi, I've posted here in the past, but had been doing quite well the past two years. I'm currently in a depression phase and am trying to keep working, because I'm working at a job where I get no sick pay and I need to pay the bills. I'm working as a language teacher and am trying to mark the students' end-of-semester exams this weekend. I'm finding that my brain just won't work - it's like nearly all of my brain functions are impaired. I'm unable to plan tasks, to work out what the next step of a task is, unable to prioritise tasks, have no sense of time, am obviously unable to motivate myself, am unable to regulate moods, my motor-skills are impaired, I feel totally confused and overwhelmed... It's really like my brain functions are massively impaired. I never looked at depression from that perspective before. As I've been preparing to sit down to do the exam marking this morning, I was starting to feel intense anxiety about the task, because I knew I didn't feel up to it - I knew I would attempt to do this task but would fail at it and I could feel the anxiety becoming more intense. And then I realised that depression is like a form of mild, temporary brain damage. It's like having had a car accident with a head injury and coma and then after the coma, your brain functions are impaired and nothing works right. So I'm going to try being more patient and kinder to myself today - I'm going to try and view myself as a post-head-injury brain-damage patient. And not view myself as someone who's just a "failure" for some vague reason, which is usually what I tell myself during depression, which obviously makes me feel much worse. X Sophy
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