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Sophy last won the day on July 7 2018

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    currently only minor levels of triage : )

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  1. Thank you @Epictetus and @20YearsandCounting I've spent the evening reading up on trauma therapy for survivors of torture and feel like I've got a better handle on it, for where we are currently at. I already had some basic knowledge about it, but I guess I'm going to have to deepen that, step by step on this journey. And I guess there will always be moments where events progress faster than my knowledge and where I will feel momentarily out of my depth, until I can close my knowledge gap. I need to make sure I keep a good balance between his healing and recovery journey and mine. So far, it's worked really well. I don't feel like it's a one way street... it doesn't feel like I'm "helping" him and he's needing my help. It really feels like we support each other. I just need to make sure we keep that kind of balance, on the days where I feel overwhelmed. And that entails finding resources for myself as a supporter. So yeah, accountability thing... to make sure I stay on top of this.
  2. So I dunno if this is the right place for this, but I need a space to gather my thoughts about this. I have PTSD. My depression is PTSD-related. A couple of years ago, I met someone in a PTSD support group. We became good friends and then became more than friends. We've been together for 6 months now. I already knew that his trauma was particularly bad. All trauma is bad, but there is trauma that is undescribably bad. He's a survivor of torture. As we've been together, he's told me more about the details that I didn't know before. I was aware that surviving torture is more intense, more awful than surviving normal trauma. (It feels nuts to call it "normal trauma" - as if there is such a thing.) (But having learned more about torture these past months, I don't know how else to word it.) (Torture goes way beyond many other types of trauma.) So yeah... I'm a supporter to someone who survived torture now. And I'm still learning to adjust to this new role. I need to research therapy for torture survivors. I need to work out where I can get support and advice, as a supporter. I need to work out how I can be strong, patient, calm, loving in the face of the effects of the torture. I need to be strong for him. I also need to do self-care. I need to try and find local or online support places, and need to reach out to them. I'm kind of posting this as an accountability thing. To remind myself to take this seriously.... the self-care aspect... the needing support as a supporter. I don't want to eventually burn out because I'm overwhelmed. And I don't want things to catch me unaware, so that I don't react in the wrong way.
  3. Okay, but this solves none of your problems. An approach that could solve problems: Apply for unemployment. IF he does constest it, THEN threaten to sue with a copy of what he wrote, so he backs down and stops contesting your unemployment claim. THAT is the order/ method to pick. And it gives you unemployment benefits, easing your financial situation. Really, THIS is the option that he handed you on a platter.
  4. Yikes, that sucks. I guess at least the $10,000 loan is gone... I guess that's a weight off your mind at least. Does your wife know about these two things? The loan and that it's been swapped for unemployment benefits?
  5. Me too. How you doing today? (((hug)))
  6. Well done on "keeping going". And thanks for checking in (((hug)))
  7. Eh, thanks JD... I was a bit worried it sounds like a nagging parent... a bit too tough on the tough love thing... But eh... when suicide is an option, I'd rather throw tough love at it than stand by and not know what to do... I WhatsApp-ed Rob earlier (bout an hour ago) after I read your post and he replied, so he's a) alive and b) he's in a fit state to work a cell phone. Hope that info helps... Cos yeah, I was kinda worrying too.
  8. Oops, the internet posted my post again... Which is silly... But since it contained the question "how are you coping?" I guess that's a perrenial question worth repeating constantly. I agree with JD that it is just as likely to have been office politics as anything else. In my experience, whether you fit into a team often matters more than the quality of your work. It's been really hard for me to learn that those soft skills (fitting into a team) are actually more important than the hard skills (doing good quality work). My instinct is that that is back to front, but hey, what do I know? Was it you that quoted the Zig Ziglar quote "You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want." ? I think that's pretty true in jobs/ companies... People don't hire you to do the job *you* want to do... They hire you to help them achive what *they* want to achieve. I dunno... it's hard. I don't have any insightful advice to give. I've struggled with jobs/ companies/ bosses so much throughout my life... My saving grace has been not having kids... Cos then I could just massively downsize my needs at anytime... I've come close to living out of my car or a tent a few times in my life... Which ended up feeling strangely liberating, actually... But obviously only an option if there aren't kids depending on you. I think the maths of life changes fundamentally when you have kids... When you're single, it's algebra... When you have kids, it's calculus. There's simply no comparison. I still think that what you need to do re work is "think outside the box". It seems that your only two options are law (which may be unworkable) and sales (which is toxic). But that can't be right. Literally can't be right. Just from a logic point of view. There are so many people who are plumbers, supermarket managers, mechanics, nurses, who are somehow making enough money to at least survive and feed their kids. IMO you must be stuck inside some kind of "thought box" and you need to think outside of it. Maybe you'll have to get rid of you car(s). There are plenty of people that have to get by without a car. Maybe you have to accept some super boring 9-5 job, but can do a Master's Degree in Teaching on the side, so that you can become a high school teacher in a few years. Maybe you'll have to move somewhere rural where the rents are even cheaper. Maybe you have to buy a caravan and put it in your mum's or dad's garden and live in that for a while and just use unemployment benefits to buy food. I dunno... I know depression makes everything narrow down to these incredibly tight tunnels and avenues with "no other options"... but that's part of the illness. Learning to think radically outside the box is a good (and IMO necessary) part of getting unstuck and breaking free from depression's claws. Last weekend, my neighbour's house got hit by lightning and burned to the ground. They're currently camping out in their shed and are grateful to have electricity and running water in there. This week, one of my best friends got diagnosed with cancer in an advanced stage, and she already had PTSD and depression to deal with, and a 12 year old kid, so cancer and chemo's the last thing she needs on her plate. It's hard, for everyone. And for some effing ridiculous reason, all of society pretends that it's not hard. Pretends that *their* lives are like some glossy magazine advert. But it's not like that. Everyone hates their job, everyone's marriage is on the rocks, everyone's struggling to make mortgage payments, everyone's messing up their health, everyone sleeps poorly at night... it's the nature of the beast. Yeah, sometimes it's sheer overwhelming, trying to cope with that... Sometimes we reach the limits of what we can cope with. Sometimes it feels like it's "just too much". But real life is really, really f*cking hard... It just is... For everyone. Sometimes I think our upbringing really sucked... We were taught that if we were good at school and went to university, then "everything would be fine" and we would live "happily ever after". We were never taught to cope with adversity AT ALL. They didn't even f*cking tell us how to spell adversity. Adversity is something you saw on TV... It happened to poor people in poor countries, far far away. It's like our parents created this sanitised version of our lives in which we would work hard and only experience successes. And then, when we experienced adversity and failure, we had no idea what to do. That just "wasn't meant to happen" in our lives. Well guess what? Our parents F*CKING LIED. They wanted the best for us, so they convinced themselves and they convinced us that that was what would happen. They didn't give a f*cking shit about reality or that we would end up having to DEAL WITH REALITY. They preferred their myth and they brainwashed us with it. And now we're faced with reality, with zero reality-coping-skills and it f*cking hurts and we don't have a clue how to truly deal with adversity, how to overcome it, how to grow from it, how to move beyond it. Don't let your parent's programming be the box that you are stuck in and that makes you feel like ending your life is the only other option. This failure stuff... this messy stuff... this stressful stuff... this is real life. It doesn't get any realer than this. It's hard for our generation to deal with the shame associated with failing at the myth that our parents set up for us. But it is a myth. And we have to outgrow it, like a snake shedding an old skin, that's become too tight and useless. You're an able-bodied, smart, educated guy who is of sound mind (well, mostly, haha) living in a first world country. There *are* options. Go and find a factory job. Research which factories pay best and get a job there and then find a cheap appartment in the vicinity of the factory for you and your family. Research factories in all of the states, so that you maximise your chances. See if your wife can get a full time job at the same factory and then work alternating shifts, so there's always one of you to look after the kids. Get bikes so you can bike to the factory, instead of needing to finance a car. Yah, I know that stuff sucks, but it's real life. The stuff our parents taught us is NOT real life and it was bound to fail. It was bound to f*ck up, with the first real major obstacle that we hit.
  9. How are you coping? ((hug))
  10. How are you coping? ((hug))
  11. How are you coping today? (((hug)))
  12. Yeah... Well in six months from now, you'll be celebrating reaching the stage 2 milestone... And you'll say "Wow, I can finally do things at a speed that feels appropriate now" The only way to get there is to go *through* the process, unfortunately. And the process is blood, sweat and tears, a lot of the time. But there are good days too. And it feels like a lot of up and down... often you can't "feel" the progress at all. But it is happening... And at some point, you just reach the next level of the computer game. Cos you collected enough points and tools and skills. And you will be sooooooooooo deservedly proud of yourself for having put in the huge slog that it took to get there.
  13. This is so great to read Remember how I said about 6 months ago that eventually you'd get into the "meta level" stuff of being good at your profession...? That you would start seeing the forest, not just the trees? That stuff would start falling into place... And some stuff would start happening automatically... So that each-and-every task would no longer seem like a big, confusing riddle to solve? Seeing you write the above makes me think that yessssssssss... welcome to the first stage of that! It's like you've run the first leg of a marathon... Gotten into the flow of it... And now you can have a rest at the top of the mountain... And see how far you've come... Of course, work will still be hard work... And of course there will be new and different challenges too. But that basic sense of proficiency... That sense of feeling competent cos your brain "gets" what you are doing... That's such a relief and such a game changer. And, umm, yeah... No wonder you felt hopelessly overwhelmed as a rookie And yeah, I get how that can be horrifically unsettling and make you question yourself and life and everything. So how wonderful that some pieces of the puzzle are now falling into place and you can feel differently and better not only about the work you are doing now, but also look back with a compassionate and forgiving gaze on your struggles back then. Very happy for you!!! (((hug)))
  14. Yah... it's like saying that if I drive a car, then it's a known risk that there may be other drivers who are DUI and therefore if they crash into my car, then it doesn't matter, cos I was already aware that some people do DUI, even if they're not supposed to.
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