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cheshire_chick

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About cheshire_chick

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    Canada

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  1. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    I feel like so much of me has already died, that I'm not too sure why I'm alive at all.
  2. I have BPD. The usual gamut of severe anxiety n.o.s., dysthymia, depression, blah blah blah... I feel like most of my days lately are just trying my best to keep myself out of the hospital. If push comes to shove I'd rather give up and get stupid-drunk or high, or just sleep for 15 hours - instead of the urge to seriously harm myself or run to the ER. This is ridiculous. I'll still put all of my effort into DBT since I am lucky to have it available to me. But quite frankly I just feel like it is b.s. I get the merits of it. It's very zen-buddhist-hippy "learn to love and accept yourself" sorta thing. That's great. I even have paintings of Buddha around my house. I have always had a general understanding of mindfulness, and concepts like the root of all suffering is desire. I guess I can't help but feel like I am all but TOO self aware, and I know that I am stuck in my head - sitting on the floor and being fascinated with some little object just seems to me like "okay BPD kid, just play with this so you don't think about suicide anymore." Sort of like sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting LA LA LA to the voices in your head; just in a mature and zen fashion. Radically accept, but distract yourself. Follow one path of thought, but evaluate three different states of mind. Don't judge behaviors and thoughts, but chain analyze every issue... It just feels so ridiculous to me. I am really trying. But all I have every class is these grand existential questions that usually baffle the instructors. I tend to shy away from asking them anymore. My psych got me on lamotrigine, which really seems to help the outrageous mood swings. But I am incredibly, deeply depressed right now. I barely move during the day. I don't feel like existing. So many people seem to think DBT is the end-all cure-all for BPD, and the only real answer. Do you think that's the case? Maybe it just doesn't work for some people.
  3. I feel all of those same descriptors as well... I value my chance to exist, and the fantastic anomaly that is my brain. However, it is my prison. It keeps me walled off from the entire world and doubt the value of my existence every single day. I'm in DBT right now but I'm not convinced it's doing anything... Just wanted to stop in and say you are not alone. I can't really offer much, but -hugs-
  4. What Are You Listening To Right Now?

    The Atheist Experience
  5. At this point in my life I have learned that if you can't truly love yourself, then you are going to stay stuck within the human condition that is loneliness. I had found true love, but it has also turned into one of the single most painful and life destroying facts of my existence. I'm not sure I can recover from it, so like what you said - maybe I should just step in front of a truck at this point. Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I'm not sure that is an equal statement for every person... I am weak too. I'm not sure that any person can truly fill that void and that empty feeling deep inside. Like falling head first into death with no one around you for the journey. Thing is we are all alone in that. Also - we are all in it together. Everyone feels alone, but everyone has to die. I'm not sure I have any advice, but I wish you well and send hugs.
  6. Mindfulness leaving me hyper vigilant.

    I've just started a DBT program, and mindfulness helps... I guess. To me it seems like I'm just supposed to distract myself so I don't get upset. Just forget about everything and you will be fine. Well okay, sure. I guess I used to be more mindful when I was younger and still dealt with all of these issues, but all it did was let it fester under the surface unresolved. I keep bringing myself back to the present moment, but it's still just pain. I'm told that it's okay to feel what I feel, and just sit with it, radical acceptance and all that. But for how long can you just sit with pain without wanting to end it? I don't want to be present all the time. I want to disappear into myself. I don't know that I feel hyper vigilant. I'm not sure how to describe it... I feel annoyed? Like I'm constantly poking myself with a stick or snapping a rubber band on my wrist just so that I don't have a panic attack. Like sticking your fingers in your ears and going "la la la," but in a more calm and reserved manner. It's constant. I don't always want to be fighting my mind. I don't want to have to do this over and over day in and day out. I just want to breathe without having to focus on it. I just want to think clearly without being terrified of my own thoughts. Anyways. -hug-
  7. Extreme grief over what my life has become

    I'm in a similar spot. I feel as if all of my hopes, dreams, and plans have died. I'm left to wake in the morning but not really live. Passing through moments and opportunities out of necessity rather than desire or anticipation... I think for many people, especially those here, life in general is just completely overwhelming. No one else can really understand what we deal with if they haven't as well - you can't show someone your mental health symptoms (like you could with a physical trauma), you can only try to explain... I get sick to my stomach sometimes when I see people that I used to be close to, or used to know - move on and find success. And here I am, stuck and struggling years later to just find a way to live with my own brain. Just trying to survive and not abandon all hope. But I've got to say, nearly all of it is gone. I'm still here. And so are you. So you've got to be doing something right. There are many people here you can message. Feel free to hit me up with a message if you need. You'll find empathizers and sympathizers here. Good luck hun.
  8. What Makes You Nostalgiac :)

    Grape juice box. With the little bendy straw. And a pb&j :)
  9. No one wants my pain.

    And why should anyone? It is mine. And when I am laughing, or giving advice, or flirting; then I am wanted. I am fantastic and worthy of your time. When I smile and give and lie I am worthy. When I'm hiding, and medicating, and sedating; I'm worth it. When I'm fun, I am worth it. But not when I'm crying. Not when my arms are bleeding or I'm screaming at the walls. Not when I haven't slept in three days and cannot function. Not when I can't think, because all of the thoughts I didn't ask for are taking up all of the room in my head. Not when I don't know what to do, alone, with all of these feelings and inclinations toward not wanting to live anymore. This is not when I'm wanted. This is not happy. This is not entertaining, and this is not fun. But this is me. And this is unworthy. I remember as a kid, my father used to yell at me or threaten to "slap that look off [my] f**king face" when I cried. It was usually him that had started it. Even with friends; they'll spend hours gaming and chatting with me, but ignore me as soon as I am honest about what I am dealing with. Even if it's a partial disclosure or hinting at my despondency, it's enough to make me no longer worth their time (in the way I had been previously). I remember when my (ex) fiance stopped talking to me like he used to, like when I was a close part of his family. He stopped wanting to listen. We were together over eight years, we were planning a family and a wedding. And I guess he ended up not wanting my pain either. No one does. I can't talk to my parents. I can't talk to my ex, even though I live with him. I have no best friend, no close siblings, not even really any friends... Those that I am able to spend time with, well they are only around because of my first premise. The things I am worth to other people. I am whole, and I accept who I am, and I live with myself every day. But not a single other person does. No one is in my universe, no one hears me - even when I'm screaming. I can't take being here any more, so often, that it's all I can do to make sure I'm not sober, or not awake. As soon as I'm real, as soon as I share myself - people leave. Whether they have been there for years and love me, or whether we just recently became friends. They back out, if I haven't already... Everyone wants my laughter, my spark, and my smile. But nobody wants my pain. The thing that consumes me and fills me more than any other factor in my entire soul at this point in time. That's not worthy of anyone's time.
  10. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    I feel like I'm running full tilt from the suicidal-feelings monster. And I suck at running.
  11. @DurandalBlue Saying consciousness dissolves was more my summation of the point I made: "There is no evidence of any intellectual activity occurring without a brain." There is evidence of decay. There is no evidence of a continuation of anything once the brain is gone. Also, there are only "Near Death Experiences." There are absolutely no "After Death Experiences..." Jeff Long is famous for a book he wrote, and not for peer-reviewed scientific journals. It's a hypothesis, and based on his opinion. Until something is clearly demonstrated with the same expected results consistently occurring every time - it is not a fact. Or at least it has yet to be proven. There are countless people with doctorates or degrees that still believe the earth is 6000 years old. Just because they believe that, even if they write a book, or provide their own "studies" that have mixed results - doesn't mean they have revealed a theory or factual evidence. And honestly I do appreciate that it is just your take on things, as you said. Nothing I am saying is in hostility or ill intended. I enjoy hearing other people's thoughts :)
  12. I've been on it for over a year. It's not the only medication I take, but it's the one I've been on the longest. Definitely give it a while to work if you can be patient - the first couple of weeks it made me feel a bit sick and just plain out of it. But that wore off. I've had bouts of inactivity or loss of interest, but I found that had more to do with myself and my own personal state of being, rather than with the escitalopram. Without it I was just lying in bed, not wanting to move, and feeling pretty suicidal. It's all about weighing the pros and cons. My recommendation would be to stick with it for at least a month or two if you can. Keep a short daily journal of symptoms, side effects, and progress. Once you write it down, try not to dwell on it all day. Thinking about it too much can sometimes trick you into thinking the way you are used to thinking (I usually feel crappy, so I must feel crappy now). Good luck.
  13. It shouldn't have long term effects, you may feel a little "withdrawal" or some effects as it wears off when you wake up. But just take it again at the regular time. Missing one should be fine. I missed my medication a while ago two days in a row, and while I had a bad panic attack, it still went back to working just fine once I got back on it. I've missed a dose here and there, it's not a huge deal. Deep breath :)
  14. Anecdotal evidence can contribute to something like a court case, but it doesn't stand alone. No judge would make any sentencing just based on the stories of people - especially if the stories didn't match up across the board. People who have had a religious appeal near death, don't always have the same feeling or idea, especially across time and cultures. Astral projection and the like have never been proven, or successfully shown to anyone - other than the person telling their story. There is nothing else in life that we tell people are true with that kind of "evidence". If you say it's your opinion, or it's what you think - then fine. But telling people it is real, without being able to show it - then that's just ridiculous. Choosing a number of stories to take into account doesn't change how credible the evidence is. Just because a million or more people believed that black people were sub-human and uncivilized in the past - doesn't mean it was justified. Even if they had supporting anecdotes. That's just not how it works. It's only an impasse when someone stops presenting their case, or goes silent. Either way, I don't particularly mind, I just enjoy the conversation.
  15. What was a small victory you had today?

    Parrots are very very different by breed. Being exotic pets I would do a decent amount of research before getting any; including whether or not you have an Avian vet where you live. Cockatoos have the mentally of a two year old kid; they can learn to speak, do tricks, and are extremely needy. They will bond with its' owner, and cry and tantrum when they are not around. They need near constant attention. Male cockatiels can learn to talk and copy songs, females cannot. They can live alone (and bond with you) or in multiples and bond with other birds. I believe caiques have similar speaking abilities to cockatiels. Quakers and African greys have great speech ability and are very intelligent, and are less super-needy than cockatoos. I really want a caique because they are so social and cuddly. You can flip them on their backs and ruffle their tummies just like a puppy. And they always keep that playful puppy kind of attitude.