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TommyTwoTons

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  1. A little background. I am 27 years old. I graduated college 4 years with a degree in history and political science. I had started out in PR, but hated stats so moved onto this. In college, even though I was a transfer student, I was the man. I was invited to all the parties, hung out with people, enjoyed the activities. As I left college, I was given two choices by my mother: becoming a teacher or go to law school. I have a very good friend that went to law school and he had told me the debt was ridiculous. Plus my mom is a teacher and to me it felt like she would have rather I gone on to be a teacher. So I decided to become a teacher. Not that I had any love for teaching. In fact I hate kids. But teaching seemed practical. Move on to the following years and I am miserable. I enrolled in the wrong program to get my teaching certificate. And I don't even want to be a teacher. I want to work in administration. If I am going to be in education, I want to stay out of the classroom. I want to work as a dean or vice principal or guidance counselor or even better work in a college in the administration aspects like a recruiter, etc. I even found a grad program in educational leadership that does not require a teaching certificate to get into. But my mother insists that I must become a teacher first. That is required. But I know from the pit of my soul that this is wrong. That teaching is not what I want to do. That it is going to physically **** me due to stress. I can't talk to her. For fear that she will be disappointed. So I am apprehensive when she talks about doing my teaching certificate. And I just sit there as she berates me as being lazy when I don't do things to work to this certficate. Because I just can't tell her how I really feel. That I know I made a mistake. That I often wonder what would have happened had I gone to work in politics or gone to law school or gone for a major like hospitality(the university I attended is known for hospitality). So I just sit there and internalize my true feelings. Sometimes I get curt and project my issues in the form of my attitude. I can't use Facebook anymore because everyone else is so ahead of me. I look at my friends and where they are and I get a feeling of deep sadness. Like I am an F up. I can't hang out with friends since they live in different part of the state/ different parts of country. That I can't talk to my other family because of where my life is. How I know I am a loser. Pathetic and disgusting. There's this song by the artist Kurt Vile called Pretty Pimpin. In it he says "I didn't recognize the boy in the mirror, oh silly me that's just me." That's how I feel about my life. The only relative joy I have is working out. But that offers only a little reprieve. Hell even today my mom called my aunt and found out my younger cousin with my same type of degree is in charge of a museum. That made me feel really bad. Really made me irritable. I don't know if this is depression or what. But then I get these vague flashes. Of me living where I want to live, with my friends, and in a apartment. I don't know what I do, but it's clear its not teaching. These occur mostly in the day at random points. Not every day. I don't know if this is a sign of what I should be doing. If I made a mistake with my life. That the life I have right now isn't the life I was supposed to have but the life in these flashes is the life I was supposed to have. Anyone else get these flashes or feelings?
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