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elk_e

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  1. <3 <3 do you feel like there is anyone you trust enough to try and talk to? Though I also find it meaningless to talk about it... but support is always good.
  2. Im not quite sure what I meant... its good if its illegal. Once they asked me at a job interviewto write down what meds I take, I wonder if thats a way to surpass the law? Also, I think its a bit obvious for me. Because I failed a work practice due to my inability to cope with stress. But Im better now. And I went to a job interview, the failed work practice + stress issue came up, and I still got it(: didnt mention the depression, but still feels better for my co-workers to know that it MIGHT become an issue, but I have coping strategies. Always nice to have support I guess.
  3. Same. Had 2 good days this week though. Then it was like all energy disappeared from me. Like Im not here anymore. Positivity and company has annoyed me recently... and I feel so inhuman.
  4. Big hugs to you <3 It sounds horrible, but please have faith that you will get better... no period lasts forever. Im also wondering if you have tried any medication? You sound so filled of anxiety when you write this, and maybe there is a medication that could work for you? To lower it, if even just for a bit... Since you want to be a pshyciatrist, it doesnt sound like youre not interested in anything. How do you feel about becoming a nurse? You could work in the pshychiatric field, you get more contact with patients as a nurse vs psychiatrist, you can add additional education if you want to become a counsellor etc etc. Ive almost finished my education as a nurse, and its a very very rewarding work, where you get to meet so many different kinds of people and the opportunity and appreciation for trying to help them in which way you can.
  5. @lonelyforeigner I hope healing for you, too. I agree that psychological pressure is extreme selfish and can cause just as much damage. My friend once said, that our society thinks physical violence is worse than psychological violence. I havent experienced physical violence, so I dont have an opinion on that, but I do feel like our society treats physochological violence as "ok", atleast we dont react to it in the same way. Or maybe thats just from my difficulties accepting how it has affected me, but I think you need to in order to understand how it has affected your well-being and view on the world and others around you? @CoolCat7 Thank you for your response. If anyone told me this story, I would also consider it rape. I dont for myself, though. But it was sexual assault. And Ive had more men sexually assaulting me through the years, but thats the situation where it got the most intimate. I think these experiences combined has left me with some intimacy and sexual issues. Maybe I am just tormenting myself thinking about it... I just would like to resolve these issues that I have. Also the reason I wrote this post was because it was so difficult not thinking about it, and one of my new care-rules now that Im on anti-depressants is talking-about-stuff-that-makes-me-sad (when-not-drunk). So thanks, your post helped!! And I agree, so many women have sex when they dont really want to. We need to talk so much more about sex, and how its not womens responsibility to please their man any way their man wants. In my opinion, women would feel better if they could experience sex more on their own terms. @womanofthelight Thank you for sharing your stories <3 I recognize myself in your story of looking sad. People tell me I look sad, straight out, and I get so many talks about "is something going on in your life?", "I feel like youre hiding a dark past" and "Youre so quiet its like you dont even exist". Ive never felt like these talks have helped, tbh... but I suppose these people want to show that there is kindness and warmth out there. Im sure you are, in fact, a very loving and kind person. The fact that you shared your stories with me is proof of that. I think it takes courage to share that with someone in the need of it, its nothing I take from granted from other people. I feel the same way as you do though, and sometimes its hard to fight those voices. The gallant acts and great successes are interesting, but its difficult to recognize yourself in them. I think its a gallant act to share your story with someone who needs them, it means youve changed the world a bit outside yourself. The opposite of selfish, as the men you have met. And meeting them isnt your fault. No one prepares you for these men. You just grow up one day, and there they are. Or before you grow up. I hope you will be able to find a lot of love for yourself <3 You deserve it. Im also a close friend to people with depression, and my best friend also hides from people in the way you describe (as do I sometimes), and even if I miss her when she does, shes the most empathetic and lovely person Ive ever known. Its sad how its difficult to keep your faith in friendship sometimes when youre depressed, but I do think friendship is more than just staying in touch. One tip though (if you want it) is that her not even replying to my messages has only happened the last month. So weve kind of agreed that we at least say a few short words, or that were too tired to talk, when we are, and that well let eachother know if things get really bad. As a safety thing, I guess(: Much love xo
  6. I'm glad to hear you're trying to stop it. I'm gonna take a week sober now. Then another week. And another. Just a week at a time, or a day at a time, I can do that. And I think you can too (: edit: although I really want a drink now x]
  7. Im sorry to hear about your experiences, lonelyforeigner. Saying no firmly is difficult, especially as a child. In my experience, it takes a lot of time to learn social rules and how to say no in an earlier stage when it comes to these matters... a lot is left unsaid. To psychologically pressure a child is a horrible thing to do. I might talk to a therapist, thanks for your opinion. Im not sure though. But since I have the option, I guess it couldnt hurt. Maybe it would help the healing process, which I want to hope is possible for everyone, with the right help and tools. And new experiences. Thank you for your reply, anyway. These things are difficult to talk about. I want to think that its good to try to do it, anyway. But definitely not easy.
  8. <3 Im sorry. Is there anyone around you who can be more of a support? Dont be afraid to ask for help (even though it can be difficult). I imagine it must hurt to hear those things, if youre suffering from depression too... try to not take it too personally? Those opinions exist, and its a process to get rid of them. Still sucky opinions though. Much love to you anyway xo
  9. Hi, Not sure if this should actually be in another forum? Please move it as you feel fit, if it does. Also, English isnt my first language, but Ive lived in countries where it has been, so I think its pretty ok. But I think my language level may not be enough for this topic, so please ask any questions you like if anything is unclear. The past days Ive been thinking about sexual assault and my experiences regarding this. My doctor thinks I should see a psychotherapist and not only take medication, but Ive been getting psychotherapy in the past, and just feel like there's not much more for me to get there. Ive never spoken about this though. I havent been a victim of rape or bigger sexual assault, and I think my experiences might be experiences a lot of women share with me. Which is why I want to talk about it, I think. Because I dont know what is normal and what is not. Though I think your reactions should determine that... Anyway, when I was 21 a 30 yr old man had sex with me even though I said no. Hope its not TMI to say we were already naked when I said no. He then continued to ask me what was wrong with him, and I tried to tell him that there was nothing wrong with him, and that I just didnt feel like it. We were both drunk, and when he had sex with me, it didnt feel traumatizing, just like, I layed there waiting for it to be over. I still dont think his behaviour was ok, Im of the opinion that you should always make sure your partner wants to have sex with you, and when unsure, stop straight away. Or ask. But my thoughts are more about how many of these situations in the gray zone affects you, you know? I was so sad the other day, tried drinking to get rid of the feeling but couldnt, and Im not sure how to work with this issue in a constructive way? Im not in the position nor do I want to get into a relationship. Ive had two relationships, one with a physical abusive man who lied a lot, made me feel like my actions were wrong all the time and told me he would commit suicide if I left him (but got a new girlfriend a month after we broke up). During our relationship, I had sex with him even though I didnt really want to. I think this was a part of how he shrunk my space of action and feelings. I dont think he is a horrible person, but I also think its a destructive way to have a relationship, to not allow your partner to express how they feel about your own actions or words. He kept doing the same things after he said sorry, and when he said sorry it was always in the context that if I left him he would hurt himself. So I stayed with him, even though my own well-being was getting worse. And having sex with him even though I didnt really want to is something I blame myself for, too. If anyone reading this has done the same things as him, please dont feel like Im blaming you. Everything is based on context, and this is a small story of our relationship together. I do however think that we might all feel better if we try to analyze our behaviour towards one another, after our own capacity. Anyway... all of this is so many years ago, so Im just suprised to find that these feelings are still here. Not sure if its the medications "fault". Before taking them, I was very numb. Now I have more thoughts and feelings, overall. Which I appreciate. But before the period of feeling numb, I had the period of "crying my eyes out all the time and not being able to handle stress". I dont want these new thoughts and feelings to become that again. I want to handle things in a constructive way. And I already think my thoughts about these situations are nuanced, I dont know what else to do about them?? Whats new is how I analyze other parts of myself and my behaviour from these experiences. Like Im starting to accept how they have affected me. Guess Im mostly wondering if anyone has similar experiences, or have been through them and have any tips. Much love to you all anyway, hope I havent made anyone feel any worse by reading this xox
  10. You dont sound crazy. I think you should give yourself the freedom to explore your sexuality and romantic preferences. I'm bisexual, and came out at 21. As a teenager, my friends would ask me if I was a lesbian, I guess because boys wasnt as big of a deal to me. But I did have crushes on boys, and in my world, there was only homosexual or heterosexual. Bisexuality wasnt a real thing. Its something I hear yet to this day. And when I come out as bisexual, I often get questions about sex, how I like it, which gender I prefer etc. I dont think the people asking mean anything by it, but to me it makes me feel sexualised and as if theyre questioning my sexuality. So usually I dont come out to people. Ive had two romantic relationships in my life, one with a man and one with a woman. They were both important to me, but they contained so much more than what gender my partners had. I prefer to talk about that. If people react to the fact that they have different genders, then thats their problem. I guess what Im trying to say is, that sometimes the part of you that makes your sexuality seem "confusing" is what people around you think? Like when I think of the people Ive had relationships or sex with, thats not confusing. But talking about my bisexuality with people who arent bi themselves can be. Like they need to understand my sexuality. Why do we only need to completely understand what is outside the norm? Your life (including sexual and romantic) is full of possibilities and experiences, and you dont owe anyone to explain it or fit into a category. But I do remember feeling more confused before I came out as bi. It helped, it made me more comfortable being with girls and it gave me an explanation to experiences in life. Anyway, again, you dont sound crazy (: Its experiences a lot of people share with you xo
  11. This is a very important thread and topic. I'm sorry for all of you who have experienced this... although I'm bumping this thread with a different perspective. My drinking was a reason for me to seek help for my depression. I have used it to self-medicate in the past, although sometimes it would just lead to me crying my eyes out even though everyone else was having a good time. Starting venlafaxine, it got better, I took better care of myself. Now after the holidays I'm drinking a lot again, and have realised I need to stop. Yesterday I sat drinking alone, and have now slept for 16 hours. And I was too tired to even try to participate in my friends' birthday dinner on Wednesday, because I had been drinking the night before. I guess I just need to realise I can't have "one glass of alcohol". It just becomes more. It's not the venflafaxine's fault though, it has just changed my experience of drinking.
  12. Hope it turns out ok! And that you have supportive people around you. Including supporting health care staff.
  13. Hm, well I do, too. But I like Talk to strangers by Saul Williams. Also there's different kinds of sad/low for me. Different songs at different times. What kind of music do you like? Might be easier to give you some tips if we know your music taste(:
  14. But that's also kinda sucky!! Like, I think a lot of people feels better when they have support around them and can discuss health issues with eachother. It's not like I want them to continue diagnose me, I just want it to be ok that I have a diagnosed depression and that I can small talk about it. Like people small talk about their high blood pressure. And sometimes I feel like I would be better off telling people. At my latest work practice, my teacher kept asking me "do you have personal things going on at home?" and another kept peptalking me because it's obvious that I have low self-esteem and don't think highly of myself. In a way, I guess that's talking about the depression without diagnosing it though... because I never told them. I have a friend who talks about his depression and anxiety very openly. I guess I just wish I could be more like him sometimes. It seems to make things easier. I'm just too scared of the consequences and peoples' prejudice.
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