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gilnokoibito

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  1. Also I was just sort of generally looking for advice. I definitely want to be his friend over being his nothing! I like what we have! I wish it could be more but ehh, such is life. But I feel like I could really use some advice on dealing with that because I feel like I'm being unfair to him by continuing to think like this but prior attempts to separate my friend feelings from my romantic feelings haven't gone... well. So some advice on that would be great! And any advice that may help with my abandonment fears if he ever does find someone else would be a nice help too. (What I think would be best is talking to him and seeing if he thinks we'd still be close if he did fall in love with someone else. Cause he's said he still very much wants to be friends with me regardless but... since I have those fears it takes a lot more than words a lot of the time to convince me that I won't be left on the side of the road, so to speak. Right now, on my left wrist is my first (and only) tattoo so far and he designed it and was there when I got it and it says 'You are loved' cause I had a hard time remembering that people cared for me so he designed that for me and I got it put right over my wrist (for self-harm related reasons; err to keep me from doing that.) I probably can't afford another tattoo anytime soon but something creative like that to remind me would be nice.
  2. (And just to clarify, said friend is trans and we're both asexual just as an fyi. They are the first person I’ve ever felt so close to and had romantic feelings for (formerly thought I was aromantic until I met them.) We both live pretty far apart from each other (several states) but we have met up a couple times. And I use a lot of asexual terms here, just Google or ask if ya don't know what I'm talking about.) So I am in love with my best friend and our relationship gives me almost everything I want from a romantic relationship and I constantly think of it as such. Problem is this friend isn’t in love with me in return and considers me only a “friend” and our relationship to be one of only “friendship.” I’ve tried getting interested in others but I simply can’t as our relationship is meeting all of my needs. I’ve tried not thinking of him as a romantic partner but have found that my feelings of friendship and love for him are so tightly tied together that I cannot separate the two; if I take away my romantic feelings I’m going to wind up taking away most, if not all, of our friendship as well (because I’d have to be forcing myself to constantly place a barrier between us to remind me this is *not* romantic, that I don’t really want to (nor do I believe he does either.)) But then what does this make us? Is there a name for this type of relationship? What do I do if he does fall in love with someone else in the future? I have abandonment issues and have realized that being separated from him might hurt me even more than knowing he doesn’t love me in that way (although that obviously does upset me as well. I think I’d be able to cope more if I had a name for what we have or some form of commitment more than words. Something more concrete.) It feels like I’m being so… unfair? To him? Like, because I see our relationship as so much more that I’m slighting his feelings on the matter. But I’ve thought and even dipped my toe into trying to just see him as a friend but I simply can’t. I’ve tried finding someone else to love but it’s simply not happening either. He is… exactly what I want (for the most part.) But I’m scared and I dunno what to do. How do I handle this? Us? How do I refer to this relationship? Is this fair to him? I (and he) have talked and we don’t want to stop being friends but he says he just can’t see me as anything more than a friend and that even a queerplatonic relationship would still be a relationship and that’s more than he wants from me. But he does love me and cares deeply for me. In the friend way I suppose. He keeps saying he feels bad that he can’t return those feelings and sorry if he’s done anything to further them by just being his self. And then he (and I) worry what would happen if he ever does fall for someone. I have depression and BPD and abandonment issues and have had trouble with self harm and suicide in the past and he’s helped me through a lot of that but worries what would happen to me if he started a relationship with someone else and I can’t honestly allay those fears because I’m not sure how I would react either, aside from knowing it would hurt me very deeply. I’ve recently thought that maybe if our current close relationship remains the same I *might* be able to handle it… perhaps. Because my abandonment fears stem a lot from my former friends getting married and pretty much… cutting all contact with me. He’s the only friend I have left who still talks to me on any sort of regular basis and we are extremely close emotionally (which is probably why I’m so in love with him. I’ve never been able to be that open with others about my emotions and he’s seen me at my absolute most terrible and is still with me. He lets me be fully me and doesn’t judge me or make fun of me and I’ve never really had that before. It makes me so happy and I want to give him that as well! Though so far I’m just trying and I don’t really know if that’s what he needs but I’d like to give him that openness and happiness like he does me and make him feel as loved as he does me.) So… does anyone have any advice on what to do? He and I have talked about this several times but we’ve never came to a full conclusion on what to do except we do want to stay close friends as we are now. But, since my feelings of romance play into how our friendship is now, what should I do? And would asking for a special title or some other form of commitment help to possibly allay my fears of abandonment? Is it wrong to continue thinking of him this way? Is it unfair to him? If so, how could I change my way of thinking of our relationship when it’s fitting so well what I need in a romantic relationship?
  3. Thank you, I didn't want to apply for disability but I went ahead and did so online the other day just in case nothing else works out. Figured it was best to apply sooner than later. Don't know if I'll get it, of course, and I don't know really what to do in the meantime and that has me pretty scared but at least I tried something. As far as working at a library, I pretty much grew up hanging out in one and have always wanted to work there (the local branch near me is really small and generally not too busy plus I already know where all the books go!) But I've been trying to get a job there since I got out of high school 8 yrs ago but they have two librarians and that's all they really ever need there. And the library in town hires part-timers ever so often and I keep putting in my application but have never heard anything from them. They seem to like hiring college kids and not much of all none else. Guess it makes sense but it's not much help to someone like me, who managed to make it through college all right but can't get any jobs with my degree (plus I got my degree because I wanted to learn graphic design, not so much actually work with it. Just a personal interest. I'm no good at freelance either, I tried that and couldn't handle it. *sigh& Where I live that call center was one of the few places with such benefits... which doesn't do me any good since I freaked out and quit before I was able to draw those benefits. Problem with the Goodwill here is they only ever need cashiers, which is one of the things I'm so afraid of doing. I thought about our animal shelter here as well but everyone there is a volunteer which doesn't help me any on the financial front. I need close to $500/mo for my car, insurance, and phone (not including gas, lunch, or and nothing else.) I worked part-time as a cake decorator at a grocery store before the call center (nice job until everyone started quitting from being overworked and I was left as the *only* decorator! What we did was way too much for even 3 people to handle let alone just one. I had anxiety issues there and always felt like crap the way I was treated but the actual decorating was okay. I'd start my own cake service but between our two large grocery stores and a couple of other cake places there's really no need for another. Nor do I have the money to invest in supplies either.) But between gas and all my bills, working part time there barely covered everything. I simply worked for the bills and never made enough or had time off to do anything else while I was there. So part time work isn't all that helpful but it's also about the only thing you can get anywhere around here. Which doesn't help because no one is hiring and the ones that are (truck driving, fast food, pharmacies, etc) aren't things I can do/handle. I helped my mom with housecleaning jobs in the past. We had one who paid (and treated) us well (100/mo for two cleanings) but most others won't pay but $30/every two weeks at best. It would help but many houses are so far apart you barely make up the gas needed to get there. And other than that one man, many are extremely picky older women who watch your every move. At least, that's been my mom's experience for the most part. She finally quit doing house cleaning jobs this year because her two jobs that were okay, the people passed away, and the others worked her to the bone cleaning top to bottom for no more than $25 each cleaning (most of the time that was only once or twice a month to.) Haah.... I feel like I'm just complaining amd giving excuses here... sorry if I do sound that way. But I have though of or tried most of these things before. Problem is that not many of them are really viable ways to live here. It might give me a little extra at best but no where near enough to pay my bills. So I'm still at an impasse. Do I stress myself out for the few little bits of money I could get and still not be able to afford my bills? Or... give up my car and just... I don't even know. We don't have buses or much of any forms of other transport here except having your own car. I just... I'm so sorry. I really still don't know what to do. I put in the disability application but I've always heard how hard it was to get (especially for mental and not physical disabilities) so I'm hopeful but pretty well prepared to be turned down. There's probably some places I could work if I really tried but I've had 4 jobs so far and wound up having to quit all of them in the end due to anxiety issues. I lasted one full year as a cake decorator and that's the longest I've made it and honestly, most were surprised I made it that far considering how they treated me (and most of their other workers.) Having such a high amount of anxiety and such a little job market in the area, I really am running incredibly low on ideas/options. But if anyone has any more advice about possible jobs or dealing with jobs or even advice on getting disability or ssi, I am more than interested in hearing them! Again, so sorry to sound so down.
  4. So, I just ended my job at a call center because I was having anxiety attacks and barely able to even work there. I suffer anxiety (general and social), depression, and BPD and haven't had an easy time working at any of the jobs I've bad thus far. When it comes to phones, I especially freak out. Just thinking of talking to anyone other than close family over the phone makes me freak out. Taking calls from angry customers definitely didn't work well (I thought that, since having to take cake orders over the phone at my last job, I might have gotten better at handling calls but apparently not.) Problem is my mental health issues are the reason I've had to leave my last 3 jobs! I live in a very small town and even driving 30+ mins into one of the surrounding towns, still doesn't relate to there being many jobs in the area, especially any that I can handle. I started at the call center due to it being the only place I could find a job at after my last job. We had over a month of training in a classroom that I did fine in, but when actually on the phone... I could barely breath. I kept auxing out between calls so I could breath but even that didn't help nor did any other calming methods I knew of. I told my supervisor about it and she pretty much treated it as normal calling nervousness. My therapist listened to me more and gave me some encouragement and there's plans to up my meds come my next appt in January. But even she mentioned that she was surprised I could do any job at all with my level of anxiety. But the main reason I'm posting here now is because, though I feel so much better after getting away from the call center, I now have a very big problem: I have no income to pay my bills! As I said, there's barely any jobs in the area and none right now that I can do (its mostly pharmacy positions, CDL truck driving, customer service, and fast food positions.) The only other jobs I could find, I've already tried and couldn't make it more than a few months. I have car payments and insurance to pay as well as a phone bill (which includes my only access to internet), my parents don't make enough to help me out any either. I'm out of jobs and I'm out if ideas. I can't lose my car or phone because they are both pretty big necessities for me. I don't know what to do though! I can't find another job (not for lack of trying or looking) and I don't know what else to do to be able to pay my bills or make a living! Does anyone have any advice on what I could do??
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