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About BlueStarr

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  1. @Varga, If it helps, I get pretty mad at my CO too, lol! While I can't say I am mad at him specifically because he's unhappy, I can say that he can be a grump when he's unhappy, so that kind of grumpy behavior really makes me mad at him. I have to keep reminding myself that he wouldn't be a grump if he was truly happy, so he is probably miserable. Instead of being mad I should be sorry for him. That's hard to do sometimes because when he's grumpy he is really unpleasant. Right now I am mad at him for reminding me of the Grinch, lol! I'm glad if anything I said really helped you. Feel free to write more too if you need to talk. We don't judge here, so you can be as weird as you want to be, lol! As long as you don't sound dangerous, (which you don't, but there have been a few who came on here and scared everybody, lol), you can say pretty much anything and it's okay.
  2. @Varga, Could another option be forgiveness? Would it help if you tried to allow yourself to love him and forgive him in spite of his flaws? Of course, it depends on how bad his behavior was. Is it something forgivable? Is it a mistake any silly guy could make?
  3. Hi Varga, Welcome to the forum! It sounds like you're in the process of "getting over the ex" even though in this case, your "ex" is your CO. It sounds like you never really got over him, but you repressed it consciously, since you were ashamed of being in love with a jerk, right? My advice is to just acknowledge that you wouldn't have "hated" him so much if you didn't still have feelings for him. It doesn't make you stupid just because of having this very human reaction. (People often feel that way about their exes too, lol!) Also, if you don't want to become re-obsessed with him, it might be a good idea not to watch him a lot, just the same as seeing an ex again too soon will bring up old feelings. Your feelings might become more manageable if you just accept them for what they are and not try to fight them or beat yourself up over it. Focus on new people and new things, and these feelings will probably fade over time. But a year isn't that long to get over an "ex" who has been a part of your life for seven years. Give yourself some more time. I hope this helps. Feel free to post here if you need to talk. We're all more or less in the same boat with COs.
  4. I'm the same way. Even if I don't look at him much at all, I always think about my CO too. I guess I should say that I feel what one could call a "soul" connection or "spiritual" connection with my CO. It feels personal, although I realize that it's just a feeling. (I have met him, but I can't say I *know* him. Also, I don't know if he feels a connection with me, although I suspect he might, judging by the strange way he acts with me sometimes.) In fact, I don't really know much about his personal life at all. In a way, I prefer not to know too much. I wouldn't want to be hearing about his love life all the time, for example. I think that would drive me crazy.
  5. @kyandi, I don't know you, so of course I can't judge your sanity, but you don't sound so crazy to me. For one thing, crazy people never question their sanity, so the fact that you wonder if you're crazy means you have enough self introspection to check yourself. I feel really strongly about my CO too. I do like what he does, so I am a fan, but at the same time, I feel like I have a strong personal connection with him. I don't know if it's true. I don't think it's so unusual to feel like one has a personal connection with a CO, (whether it's really true or not). (Also, a CO can still be a CO whether you are a fan of what they do or not. If you love the person a lot, they can still be a CO.)
  6. I certainly can't blame you for that, lol! Who needs the drama?!?!?
  7. @Myshka , It sounds like there are several things going on here. 1. He reminds you of your old boyfriend from your teen years. You like him, partly because of that and partly because you like him for himself. Yet at the same time, you're not having sexual fantasies about him and you would never do anything inappropriate with him. Okay, there's nothing wrong with that. (If you honestly feel that this may turn into a latent sexual attraction, then it would be best to focus on something else.) 2. Part of the reason you're drawn to him is that he reminds you of a time when you were safer and happier. I get that. People regress to the past all the time, although usually subconsciously. 3. Young teenage fans hate and lambast you. Why is that? Do they just hate older fans? I am not clear about why they are negative toward you just because you're older. (Teenagers can be stupid, so if they have no reason to dislike you, forget it. They are teens.) 4. You worry that maybe you're like the older ones who are weird because the teens are lumping you in there with them? Why are they doing that? If they have no reason to do that, then I say again, forget it. They are teens. (They are even more immature than teenagers were in the past. Humans are devolving, lol!) Sorry for being harsh earlier. I really didn't understand where you were coming from but I *think* I understand it better now. Thanks for trying to explain.
  8. @Myshka , Well, your whole tone sounds different now than it did in your first two posts. If you had sounded this way before, I wouldn't have thought that anything was amiss about what you were saying. So, I just wonder....if all you're saying is true, then what's the problem you're having about this guy? From what you said before, it sounded like you were obsessed with him and disturbed by your own obsession. Now it sounds like you're just saying you're disturbed by other people's obsessions and inappropriateness. Which is it? If you're just disturbed that you're a fan and other fans your age are being inappropriate, then you don't have to feel you're weird just because you're the same age as they are. I am sure there are plenty of older fans who are not inappropriate, but they don't make as much noise, so maybe you just don't hear them as often. Just because there are some weird ones who happen to be your age, that doesn't make you the same as them. If you don't think like them, then you're not like them, even if you're the same age. If they make you sick, then don't hang around them. You can't control them, but you don't have to be around people you share nothing in common with.
  9. BlueStarr

    Why do I even try?

    Sorry to hear you're going through this. It can be hard for friends to know what to do when a friend is depressed, so they pull away if they aren't able to help. Some people might think you're just trying to get attention, but if you know that's not true, then try not to let what they think get to you. If you know that isn't true then it isn't, no matter what they think. I think girls get shunned for being depressed too. (I know because I am also depressed and I get shunned.) It's strange that one is told they are supposed to be happy, but then they get treated badly and are given no reason to be happy. I don't think you should give up though. You're really young, and your have most of your life ahead of you. There can be many twists and turns and you don't know where it will take you. It's way to soon to say your life has been a failure. Hang in there and it really might get better. Sometimes you have to wait a while for it to be better. A year may seem like forever, but it isn't. Also, a lot of life is what you do to help yourself. It's good you're staying in school and studying. Maybe you'll be a rich tycoon on Wall Street someday and your investments will pay off, and all the girls will crowd around you and you'll be a celebrity. I think one way to feel a bit happier is to count your blessings every day. Try to find what's good about life, rather than what's bad. Your classes were going to be taken away, but your mom got them back for you. That's a good thing to be happy about. As for the girls, don't give up on that yet. A lot of people your age have trouble dating, but that can get much better and it might be sooner than you think. You have a lot to look forward to, even if you don't realize it yet.
  10. @Myshka , Well, what you say now in your most recent reply sounds completely reasonable to me, but some of the things you said in your earlier posts seem to indicate that there is more going on. Also, I feel like you're you're contradicting what you said before. Earlier you said you are on social media and part of fan groups, etc. and mentioned "fangirling" over him, which you said felt weird to you. I don't know what you meant by "fangirl" but the whole thing seems unhealthy to me, and I am going by what you said yourself. I'm not "reading between the lines" of anything you said. It's possible I misunderstood your meaning.
  11. @ @Myshka , I didn't mean to be harsh. I don't know if I misunderstood what you really meant or not, but IF I did misunderstand, then I do apologize. You're welcome to clarify anything for me, and I'll try to understand.
  12. At least there is no law against obsessing about older men, lol! (If there was, I'd be in trouble, lol!)
  13. I am totally going by everything she said in her post, which to me is very revealing, and I am not "reading between the lines," as you say. If I have misunderstood her, I am sure she can explain. I personally think that a therapist might be able to help you get in touch with your own feelings better. Sometimes we aren't even aware of how we feel about things, but it often comes out in subtle ways, like in how we word things. I am going by the wording of your posts, (especially hers), so I think a therapist might be able to help you figure it all out. My advice for you in particular is to focus on the 22 year old adult, since you mentioned finding him attractive. He's still quite young, but he is 22.
  14. Did you notice how you worded that? You don't have conscious sexual thoughts about him. What about your subconscious? This is something you should take very seriously. Did you notice how you are bothered by this? Ask yourself WHY are you bothered by this? Listen to yourself. It is obvious that you find him sexually attractive, whether you admit this openly to yourself or not. I know you can't shut it off with a button, but you need to do whatever you can to discourage this obsession. You know it's unhealthy. The more you dwell on him and stare at him, the worse this is going to get. I don't want to make you feel bad or guilty, (humans sometimes find underage people attractive), but you really need to get a handle on this ASAP. It wouldn't be wrong to be a fan of his IF it was really just a platonic admiration, but I suspect it really isn't. Therefore, I think it's *wrong* to dwell on it and not fight an obsession with an underage teenager, even if it means going to therapy. NOTHING good can come from this whatsoever. I realize that you can't turn an obsession off with a button, so the only advice I can give you girls is to STOP being involved with his fandom, STOP "fangirling" about this guy on social media, (it is totally inappropriate for grown women to act this way about a teenager, regardless of the intention), and try thinking about older guys you find attractive to distract yourselves from this. This is not healthy in any way. Also, the LAST thing you should be doing is validating each other and telling each other that this isn't unhealthy. I'm sorry if I can't be more sympathetic. If you weren't spending time staring at him and admiring him, allowing the obsession to grow bigger and bigger, I would understand it better.