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LostLink

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About LostLink

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  • Birthday 02/03/1983

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Colorado
  • Interests
    Yoga, music, learning occult things (occult means hidden), finding inspiration, transmuting negativity into flower beds

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  1. I can't lie, a part of me sincerely believes this lifespan is a sort of secret hell. But I think of existence and am happy again, or at least... I build happiness for the parts of my being I'm not able to sense or have, but can only infer (Pisces), and the part of my being/soul which does access that happiness is benefitted by my trials with this avatar body. The shared dream of our waking lives, I want it to be good so bad.... but if it doesn't work out, then even the worst case scenario I believe has it that every effort I made towards growth-lust went into my being even if not my life. This is no consolation for sure but... I still consider it true and just as the hell is unseen, the heaven we build may be equally real even if not experienced in this "third density" we call the "real world." I think I'm saying ultimately...all pains and suffering are obstacle courses where our performance does "count" for something, in a way beyond our awareness. I'm grateful for..... the Virgos I know. My brother from another mother, and the crush I have.
  2. I'm grateful for being reminded (by my e-mail notifications) to practice gratitude, even when I get "intermittent" in all other ways. S4L, I just wrote new song lyrics that express a similar thing: "If I lose all my pride: cursed with the rest of my life If I find my old crown: blessed with a meaningful end"
  3. I noticed your birthday is tomorrow, so

    Happy Early Birthday !!!!!!   :Party_fest30:

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. LostLink

      LostLink

      I am okay. Simultaneously high on life and suffering; like it two different worlds.

      How has your realty reality shaken out since we spoke? I hope it is as good as possible.

    3. LostLink

      LostLink

      And TY for the flower!!!

      :hugs:

    4. LoneSquirrel

      LoneSquirrel

      Well, I'm hoping for a hospitalization soon.  I'm not well.  I don't know what else to do. 

  4. Oh just being there. Her energy just makes me anxious. It always has and b/c we both have very Piscean traits which makes it hard to fully know how you wanna be rather than sort of chameleon your surroundings... and I'm able to modify my behavior in a broad range of ways and then with my Scorpio Moon play detective with the effect each different "suit" I wear has on the energy. It's a massive waste of my creative energy but on the other hand it's always been good "psychic exercise" you could say. Anyway, just being alone around her often causes me to eat quicker than I want, to be hyper sensitive to her tone and general vibe, which is just sick. People know what they're doing to each other on a subconscious level, I think. I wish ppl would take responsibility for it!
  5. I don't know... I would say that I believe that my mother had post-partum (we both have thyroid issues). She wants/wanted to be so stoic about anything like this and I don't know what she did or didn't do to heal. I have great empathy and sympathy for it. But the scars it left on me are ongoing. I can say that it may be sort of.... not to be pessimistic but... something predetermined, in that... without having had that energy to grow up with, I may not have become as wildly empathic and sensitive as I am, which are great gifts. I just don't know how to use them safely b/c, well, I had her emotional energy to teach me. Anyways, I want to put the real, positive side I'm hearing front and center: You're seeking help at this very moment, so I can't help but feel like you are certainly going to find out what's at the root of this. Also it's definitely a "common" thing isn't it? To some degree I'm pretty sure it is. Try to take this to heart if you feel guilt b/c you need to feel comfort as you approach the issue just as much as your family. Best of luck! I hope the answers come soon but if not, keep seeking! It's all we can do. I can't fault anyone if they seek to heal, and if anyone seeks to heal I automatically love them. At least, that's how I have been trying to feel these days.
  6. Trying to do just that... I can see how any action can be sliced either way. So I'm trying to just do things out of gratitude b/c there is a lot to be grateful for regardless of the difficulty... but stop when I notice my anxiety gets too high to relax at all (it's always there, it's always been there; but I mean "much higher"). I will try that letter idea it's worked for me in the past... I have such a trash talking judgmental mind, not always but it's bad when it's there. I should safely let that all out and define my boundaries. I can tell it's a sort of game of chicken, where it seems like she wants me to make the first move so she can accept or lambast it (probably the latter; b/c control control control). I don't want to walk into any traps. It's like that. I don't think she necessarily knows she's doing that, but she is. It's so hard how we see each others' ego/BS/dirty laundry more easily and critically than we see our own. I want to make sure that I see my own just as much as others, and ultimately not feel like I have to automatically fixating on that at all. I sincerely think people are turning psychic (or just "connecting" in mysterious ways through the collective conscious) and it means we'll eventually know anyone's negative intentions. Playing it out in my head, it will certainly lead to more peace b/w ppl, but with a very rough learning period where we'll have no choice but to truly feel forgiveness for each other (as one being) rather than just say it. Thinking that way makes it easier to fully accept any kind of "bad blood" I see getting pulled to the surface. It should be a celebratory thing to pull up and out our dark subconscious problems, but we are so averse to growing pains (they confuse us) that we slam the mind shut to them. I don't feel like I do, but that's its own host of problems... to feel very alone in wanting to heal at all costs, hurts be damned. That's why i come to this forum. :)
  7. Teddy I definitely can attest to the music for loneliness thing. It's also hugely supplemented romantic longing for me. Cesm123 (I love that number!) I feel that the catch 22 nature of work/play in that same way very much.
  8. That's very insightful! I love the phrase "flow state" these days... it gets kind of tossed around by real armchair Sciencey types but just speaking from personal experience... I love those states so much that I almost cannot tolerate anything that gets me out of such states and label them unnatural. I think I'm right about that too. Another phrase you are making me think of is "edge work" as coined by a Yoga teacher Eric Schiffman (sp?). I thought that was the perfect way to say much the same thing. I wish we lived in a concensus reality where we could control the "zone" in real life more easily, approaching the ease with which we can control it in videogames. It's like there's one "difficulty setting" to our way of life, and that setting is... as high as the 'powers' that be can get away with w/o ppl going on an Atlas Shrugged-style global strike. So much of what I feel I "ought to" do has zero consideration for that zone level of trial. And so many of those things seem disconnected from love and truth, natural being and all that. It's my own fault for having gone along with these kinds of things for so long as it is, but.... it's not like I decided to do unnatural things out of the blue. Escapism and fantasy and even just coming to feel like I always need to be listening to music or satiating my senses in some way.... that's the pressure release valve to a way of life I know is wrong. Koyanisqaatsi!!!!
  9. Haha that last one is tempting. This morning I said "I love you" as I went out the door, and she said in an obvious "oh yeah, sure, right" kind of tone "I love you. too." It was hard enough to say that b/c I expected that kind of "oh yeah prove it" thing which would be the kid's immature perspective if anyone's. And yeah, the letters she would write to ppl she was in "debate mode" with were always.... just.... obscenely long, meandering, a total spreading out of as much dirty laundry as she can. She is still the same way. I just want to make amends for what I did wrong, but while being completely safe from the possibility of opening up wounds unskillfully (what she will do) then being unable to divert the energy away from such self-harm (what I will not be able to do). It's like a car hanging off a cliffside in a movie, where it's teetering.... and no one wants to budge a muscle.... b/c to escape incorrectly is certain doom. It feels just as touchy and I feel like.... what is more loving?? To wait and tread lightly (causes anxiety in the kitchen, just waking up and knowing she's there and stuff)? Or to "be brave" and just open up without knowing at all what healing or damage it will lead to? Just do it and let whatever "falls out" just go ahead and do it? It's at once too fragile and prone to violence. I don't know what to do except "be perfect" and I am most certainly not that. Not outside of my heart center, that is. Same for her. Just don't know how to do this without risking worse harm. I really don't.
  10. I've long wanted it to feel like just our normal lives could somehow be made to feel like we are living in an RPG; but the equivalents of "earning gold" or "fighting monsters" or "solving dungeons" were always just super boring (being rote jobs, defending our egos, and applying for basic necessities with desperation, respectively). I am convinced that attitude was wrong, even though I haven't fully found this attitude! I want my real life to start aligning with my "escapism urge" more and more as my life goes on, but I was seeing the two diverge more lately. What will it really take to feel the same way we did/do playing Zelda or whatever (I grew up on Final Fantasy) but while just living? I think this would require a few things, being in a storm-braining mood right now.... 1) Ability to travel at will 2) Diverse methods for obtaining material needs (the bottom of Maslow's "Heirarchy of needs") 3) A lofty and consistent and compelling reason and purpose for keeping those two points well-rehearsed (towards the top of the "Heirarchy of needs" pyramid) 4) A renewed and constantly expanding knowledgebase of living skills that makes our honeycomb 9 to 5 ways increasingly optional as we transition into acting on our inner heart direction. 5) That reminds me, heart. If one could get their escapism urge into the realm of "realistic", could the moderation factor be thrown to the air with caution?
  11. I will check it out now and thank you. I was full-time researching my next material move I always wanted to log on here but know myself well enough to know I never just "quickly say" anything, lol. I thought about the letter but... I've seen her letters amidst fights with her brothers and such... that's not so pretty either. I just think she needs the love that a father figure is obligated to give, and that's not me. She (and my dad) have "crossed the streams" in that way, I believe.
  12. OhhhhMG I just told my therapist yesterday in passing how much I completely hate applying for things. I always have, but I feel lately like I am actually obligated to myself to be as honest about my feelings as possible. Which is so hard to do in our way of life; it's often an external liability to be real internally. To bridge those two.... gods I don't know wth to do there b/c my solution isn't to everyone's comfort level and style (throw away all mail, to hell with credit and the over the table economy, get used to moving all the time b/c didn't I move more than 1x per year anyways when I was "playing by the rules"???). So far be it from me to advise on this... but I will commiserate with you as much as I possibly can right now! It is not right how much of our time is wasted on applications.... how many "labor hours" could be saved by just making them REAL you know? Trading person-to-person vibe for beaurocracy and eeeeeveryone hates it (even the employer I would imagine) but keeps doing it. I can't handle even a fraction of all that. And what I think often gets unsaid about this too is that.... it can be a gross invasion of privacy. I'm talking mostly about those online personality tests where obviously everyone just lies and picks the "neutral" score across the board unless it would be morally difficult not to. We are numbers to people who are numbers to other people. Right? NO way, not ever. The only solace I can give is that... I've been on somethiing like a near-full-time spirit quest for the past two years and can honestly say that at this point it's becoming increasingly obvious to me that.... our needs are surprisingly small, and I'm not just talking about "basic needs" but needs to feel exatraordinarily "wealthy" and "free" are actually completely, 99.9999999% (or just 100%?) unrelated at all to your bank account, your "career prospects", your romantic relationship status, or even our self-love. I've been a bit of a sh!t to myself a lot in the near past and all the same, I get blessed with divine care left and right, it's truly almost "unearned" but it's something like.... if you take 1 step towards self care that is NOT EVER IN LIFE found in school, or jobs, or even so much as regular housing (as hard as that is to believe; that last one in particular was hard to fully accept as being meaningless).... "It", the loving sentience of nature (which at this point has been even blandly scientifically proven, what else did we think the "placebo effect" was am I right???) takes 1,000,000 steps towards you. Stay bright my friend, I know how much our cult(ure) drills it into us that we "have to go with the flow" as far as life routine goes, but.... what those people (fools) are talking about is NOT the "flow", it is just a mass psychosis that is hard to see beyond because "everybody is doing it"; this doesn't require proof, not anything beyond the state of our habitable world. Destroying our life support systems, our ability to communicate openly, our emotional states, is "the flow"? Give me a break. As hard as it is to just "do this" it is worth it to try and try and try again and again and again .... to see through any of this "present yourself" dogma in the meat market that is our sheep-fleeced sense of "normal". We can live truly well without violating our personal sense of worth by pretending to be this or that in the name of getting a job, degree, or loan..... it's not worth it. I've got an equal amount of personal issues to the ppl who get a $50k+ career, mortgage, two car garage, etc.... not less. Playing the game that is job apps and the like is a game with false consequences. I know it's easy to say that but I really am sure of it at this point. It really is all a joke, as cruel and truly hurtful as it was for me.... it is a giant popsicle stick house that people can only feel "right" in when they delude themselves into thinking "this is just the way things are, this is just what you have to do." No it is not. No it is not. No it is not. PS: Money is proof of debt. Mortgage etymologically means "dead pledge". There is no flesh-and-blood consequence (not yet, anyway) for refusing to pay false debt to criminal banks, that includes taxes. The UNITED STATES (all caps) is a corporation and any "contract" you have with them is null and void if you so much as say so. It's all a weak trap to jacknife your free will into dead not living things. The book Word Magic by Pao Chang is an inspiring and quick read along these lines, and the video series "The Golden Web" does a number on the truths hidden in our language that are discouraging at first, but ultimately the self-evident proof I've long-sought that we are sovereign beings under "secret" (wide open) control. I know you are talking about applications, but I'm telling you, I've been there since my first idiotic grossery store job at 16, and now that I'm twice that age and self-actualized I can say with conviction, that I was right but that was just the tip of the iceberg. The real spector behind all of this (including especially our mental health "disorders" ... *cough* accurate and sensible reactions to a sick cult we call "our" way of "life", yeah right).... is that these things are mental prisons we carry around with us. If you believe only 1 thing I said in all this, take it to heart and leave all the rest. I promise you it's all true to the best of my relentless pursuit of truth. Going "against" these things is not "against the flow" b/c these things themselves are against the flow, en masse. We've been domesticated. It's depressing. But it's a start, because now we know. Let's throw all this crap in the trash where other illusions belong! There's a huge loving world out there. The asphalt layer is dying, and all we have to do is step off of it no matter how "scary" it might seem to throw caution to the wind. Playing by these games is what is dangerous, not the other way around!! I hope this message finds you well. I am grateful for the opportunity to talk about this however left field this may have all seemed. I promise you it is most certainly to the point of what you're feeling. I'm no Morpheus or Neo but.... it really is something like that, at least super metaphorically similar to it.
  13. I'm so sorry. I too felt like it was a "long time coming" or inevitable in some way out of my control. I tried and tried and... well so be it, it was a pressure cooker. I am not one to claim a silver lining when there isn't evidence for one, so I am sorry for how it is right now. I give you my best wishes possible! I hope that the nicest possible thing finds its way to you. I have been looking into options away from the dreaded "homelessness" status, and have found sites dedicated to helping homeowners find a house and pet-sitter to watch their place for them while they are on vacation. Some of the listings are for quite long periods. I wonder if this helps. I was doing much research along these lines at the site "nomad wiki" which is stellar. Take care, hugs and hugs and more hugs. Nature itself loves you, even if our abuse-laden asphalt layer on top of it tries its best to hide it from us.
  14. Well I was already feeling this way, but at this point I mean seriously now.... we are having some kind of totally identical life pattern right now. I wonder even if we each had fights with our mom on the same evening or something. Anyways I am in the same boat though it wasn't literally stated the way it was for you.... however I feel anyway like the writing is on the wall, and I'm here now at a cafe giving her space and working at uprooting my life on a dime; wondering about the "homeless" thing too but the way I'm looking at the path ahead of me.... I think I can make the "GTFO" aspect of this something sweet in the bitter.... I htink I can get set to travel playing music for people which is what I've wanted for a long time now anyway, just feeling weighed down. But I wonder if even as ugly as all this was, if in some ridiculous way it is divine providence anyway, b/c it's now driving me to get out now before I'm "ready"; "ready" is possibly an illusion. That's just me... I remember and read much or all of what you said about your housing situation and I hope very much that the house you are waiting on sells at exactly the right moment for you! I hope very much that it orchestrates nicely even though things seem uncertain. It's horrible seeing our "elders" act less emotionally resilient than their children, isn't it??? Truly saddens me. My mom even had pretty obvious forewarning about all of this, in that she had a terrible father who she disowned. I can't stand how it seems like many people (and I hope I don't become one of them, which I don't b/c I am so different from my two parents already but..) have to wait until father time grinds them into self-awareness through hardship and mistake... I don't want to be such that I require fate's heavy hand to learn and grow, I want to seek it in optimism and health-seeking! I want to "know better" than the rigid, harsh, brittle nature I see from my mom.... and the soft, passive, unbrave nature from my dad (which left space for this to happen). LoneSquirrel (funny how our names are both "L words for alone" come to think of it!)... I can say, in some weird way, that I learned a lot from this fight. It wasn't "good" by any means, but all the same.... it gave me a series of deja vu that helped me realize why I spent my youth the way I did. Why I was always "camped out" in my basement growing up, developing an addictive and self-soothing behavior type... I didn't realize in my youth what anxiety I felt being upstairs alone with my very deeply hurt mom all day. It helped in a small way to see this. I traded momentary emotional-coping for realization. That much I can't deny was good. Anyway I say this b/c I'm curious if your fight inadvertently taught you something about your relationship with your mom that you would not have discovered otherwise? Life has a funny way of balancing through thick or thin. I wonder if you have some seemingly small treasure in the form of new insight that will help you handle the situation with your heart center feeling sure and protected! I wish you as much. We are in such a similar place.
  15. Hi. I am in a bad space... sort of complicated but the end of it is that... I gave in to being goaded into a fight by my mom, and I busted out the "H" word. I was as cool as could be and tried every trick i could think of but in the end I gave in to being made to feel like there had to be a fight for some reason; I really think she passively and then aggressively pushed it to that point for some painful reason, and so I am totally not sorry for most of the argument, not genuinely. But to have told her I hated her was completely wrong and I want to apologize for it. But now it's such a heavy vibe that I am worried I can't even do that without opening the door to more verbal abuse, because she just has such little self-control or awareness that I A) don't want to open myself up to any machiavellian emotional manipulation, which she does, and B) I can't trust myself to be able to make genuine amends for the things I'm truly sorry for without letting my ego get tricked into playing more back-and-forth, since that's exactly what I did. Basically, I can't trust her to stay on topic without getting reignited about a giant mess of things that are completely not the source of the argument, and I can't trust myself to commit to a "nonreactive" method no matter what if I approach this minefield. I can't trust her to accept the reality of the situation, and I can't trust myself to lovingly let that go if I try and fail to make amends for my portion of the blame. I want to take my full share of the pain but feel like we'd need some sort of psychic surgery to keep her bulls*** to her and to keep myself in a loving state if she starts to rant and blow up at me again. It's just impossible to say anything to her and it's equally impossible to let her stomp around on my heart, as resilient as it is... it's not good for her to keep doing that and think it's always other people instead of herself, you know? I hope this is making sense. I just want to spare you the dumb gritty details but maybe I'm making it more complicated. I guess I'll try to summarize all over... it's as simple as this: I don't know how to genuinely apologize for something I should never have said and won't even defend or justify myself for it; and yet I feel like doing that will totally open a storm of indiscriminate lashing out at me all over again, which is not okay whether I hold X% of the blame or not! You know? I really appreciate any and all of you for spending your time and energy reading my words and even just vicariously relating to my emotional difficulty right now. Like, I pretty much love you for it. I wish I could offer this kind of love freely, but... some people (like who I'm talking about) are not good stewards of unconditional love. Alright thank you take care.
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