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Fireheart1

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About Fireheart1

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    Female
  • Location
    North Carolina
  • Interests
    DC Comics, fiction, roleplay, science

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  1. Thanks for the support, you guys. I hope you're right about marriage counseling... I have a therapist for myself to at least I'm used to talking about this kind of thing with a professional. @MarkintheDark Thank you for sharing. I definitely learned that my feelings don't matter, but it does seem like I'm always finding more ways my life got screwed up. I'm sorry you're dealing with that kind of thing too. I meant stop pressuring me to have sex, and he initiate hugs more often. I think he understood, but I can't really be sure... Maybe marriage counseling will help me figure out his perspective.
  2. My husband and I have been married just over five years now, and yesterday he asked if I would be willing to go to marriage counseling with him. Of course I said yes, but until recently I was under the impression that our relationship was good. Now I don't know what to think. From my perspective, things started getting rough in March. We had just moved back to town nearer my parents. I love the town, but I think moving back was a blow to my PTSD. I was assaulted by my brother when I was 13, and I can barely stand to be within 10 miles of the house it happened in. The first time we had sex in the new house I had a bad flashback, but I ignored it. It was maybe a month before I told him about it. Since then I haven't wanted physical contact hardly at all. It's gotten better, but I was never a very physically affectionate person. From his perspective, shortly after we started dating I became less and less affectionate, to the point where he feels the relationship is almost platonic. He is physically affectionate, and he wants more physical affection. He doesn't want to leave me, but he "doesn't want to feel lonely" either. My memory is admittedly horrible, but I think he started mentioning two years ago that he wishes we had sex more. At first it was just once every couple of months, but since March it's been more like every couple of weeks. I asked him to stop pressuring me, and he switched to saying he wants other kinds of physical affection too (like hugs, or cuddling, he said). I've told him that I'm doing as much as I can to treat my depression and to work on specifically this problem; that I'll do my best to be affectionate more often; that it isn't something I'm used to thinking about and it would be helpful if he were to initiate more often. I know I'm prone to catastrophizing, but I'm afraid my marriage is coming to an end. Is there more I should be doing? Should I be trying harder to overcome my boundaries? Can a marriage even work if our needs are so fundamentally different? Will a marriage counselor help, or just make it worse?
  3. Starbucks is a really, really rough work environment for people with PTSD, or anyone who isn't an out and out extrovert. Despite enjoying the work for the most part I had to quit a year ago because it was just constantly fraying my nerves. That said, my store manager was incredibly understanding of my anxiety, my coworkers were all great people, and I'm super grateful for how lucky I got with my particular store. I think it's important to know that how the workplace deals with disabilities is highly variable. You had some really sh*t luck, and I'm so sorry for that. Your experience is way too common and likely to happen again. But there are workplaces where it won't happen. It isn't inevitable, and it isn't "just the way it is". If you can stick it out a while longer, I absolutely encourage you to look for a new job, or at the very least attempt to transfer stores. I know first hand how hard it is to find jobs that don't require interaction with the public, but they do exist. If you don't have physical issues as well you can try to find work doing inventory, something like that. Unfortunately I don't know much about the BDSM community, but I can tell you that there's a roleplay community on tumblr, and probably other social media sites if you look around. You may be able to establish a dom/sub relationship that way. If you're not already seeing both a psychiatrist and a therapist, I'm strongly of the opinion that those things are worth paying out the nose for. I would literally be dead if not for my meds, if only because of insomnia. I know there are pills now being used for non-veterans to treat PTSD nightmares, though I haven't used them myself. One last thing- crying is a very healthy coping mechanism. With PTSD I know it's often really hard to let yourself feel much of anything. Letting yourself feel that pain and cry about it is a part of processing what happened to you and what's still happening to you, as you're so isolated. Also, it turns out that crying is a way your body rids itself of certain hormones when there's an excess, so you're quite literally crying the pain away!
  4. I've talked to my therapist some about this and done some research on my own, but I'm wondering about the significance of age differences. I know what happened to me was wrong, no matter my own age and no matter his age. There was a pattern of abuse that was emotional if nothing else (until it became sexual in late pre-adolescence). But there was an earlier incident that I barely remember and which I'm trying to wrap my head around. When I was maybe 4 or 5, my abuser convinced me to pose naked for pictures. Being 4 or 5 and idolizing him, I of course saw nothing wrong with this at the time. He is something like 2 years older than me, probably more like 1.5. I don't remember when his birthday is and I don't care to find out. Of course, my dad developed all the pictures on the camera and discovered this while looking through them. He came and talked to both of us to figure out what happened and explained that it was a bad thing, and he could have gotten in serious trouble for it. I think that's the only reason I remember it at all. What I'm wondering about now is how intentional my abuser's totally inappropriate actions may have been. To my memory he was always cruel to me, but at the age of 6 or 7 do you think he could have understood the sexual component of what he did? Is there any possibility this was an innocent interaction on his part, in the midst of other casual abuses, despite it being the start of a pattern of sexual interest? I hate his guts for everything he did to me, sexual and not, but it feels significant to me to place this incident in my personal timeline.
  5. My husband gets Hangry. And one of the things he gets hangry about, as we drive together to get food, is how much money we spend going out for food. It's a fair complaint - we go out to eat at least once a day. So as we sat down with our food yesterday we discussed the issue and agreed to eat at home two days out of the week. We chose Saturday and Sunday, so that we would have time as a couple to buy groceries, cook, and save leftovers for Monday and Tuesday. While shopping yesterday evening I asked him what he had planned to cook for tomorrow. Eggs and turkey bacon, he said. That sounds great, I told him, but what about the rest of the day? He had to think about it. This morning I slept in and woke up around noon. I made myself a cup of coffee and waited for him to wake up so we could have breakfast. He came in to the living room an hour later with a bowl of cereal. No eggs and bacon, I thought, and got myself a muffin and yogurt from the fridge. I didn't think about food even once for the rest of the day. Around four he made himself a sandwich. I wasn't hungry. We went about our business. Seven rolled around, and my stomach was finally so empty that the hunger signals reached my brain. I wondered when my husband was going to start cooking. Finally I heard him start up the stove. I saved what I was working on and set aside my computer just in time to see my husband leave the kitchen with a plate of eggs and bacon - only enough for himself. My first reaction was silent rage. How selfish of him! I fumed for a few minutes before I remembered that we had left our plans vague, and I was only angry because I was Hangry. Then began the cycle. I was hungry, but cooking is so much work. There wasn't anything in particular I wanted, other than for the grumbling in my stomach to stop. I should eat healthy, because of my high cholesterol. I want to lose weight. I'm fat and ugly and I don't deserve to eat. I finally had a few berries, some cheese and crackers. It was convenient, and motivating myself to eat anything else was too much like work. I'm still hungry as I write this, but I've hidden myself from my depression under the covers in my bed. Times like this, I have to wonder if my husband will ever understand why I would rather spend the money eating out.
  6. I'm sure this is common, especially in people who haven't been officially diagnosed with PTSD, but I find myself thinking that my trauma isn't enough. I feel like I'm being dramatic, overstating my symptoms, wallowing in self-pity. There are people who have been through much worse things than I have, who have much worse symptoms, and I feel like I'm taking something away from them by even thinking of myself in the same terms. I just feel worthless and weak and defective, I guess, and I could really use some validation.
  7. My advice is to move out. You may want to look in to shelters, or even just finding someone supportive to split the rent with you. I won't tell you it's easy, in fact it's going to be very difficult. But it sounds to me like your parents are really making your own issues worse, and you're not going to be able to get better unless you can get some of that freedom back. It may be time to make a run for it.
  8. Welcome to the forum! I'm really glad you're seeking help, and I hope you can find a way to get some professional help without your parents finding out. I know there are some online therapy services, though you do have to pay for them. As someone who never really made friends after high school (I'm 24 now) I would advise you to try as much as you can to keep communicating with the friends that you have. I know how hard it is, but they won't unless you tell them. I think it may go a long way to just let them know that they're important to you, even if you don't share everything that you're going through right now.
  9. I'm sorry you're going through all of that. I don't really have any advice because I feel the same way most of the time, like nothing is ever going to get better and there's not much point to staying alive. I wish there was more I could do to help. But you're certainly not alone. If you haven't already you should check out suicideforum.com as well.
  10. Welcome! It's always encouraging to feel like your making progress. I just learned about cPTSD, which was kind of an epiphany too. It sounds worse than it is, I guess. Good luck with your med changes, and I hope you find the forum helpful!
  11. Don't forget that moving stuff around can throw all that dust and allergens into the air. You might feel better after a day or so. Hope you figure out something that works, either way.
  12. Just kind of down. Lonely, I guess, but kind of apathetic too.
  13. If you're having bad side effects, you should contact your prescribing doctor as soon as possible. I'm on Bupropion myself and haven't had any nausea. It does take time to start helping, but the side effects can start right away, and it sounds like they have. Unless you're having worse symptoms without the medication, you should stop taking the Bupropion and talk to your doctor about trying something different. There are plenty of other meds out there you can try, so don't settle for something that makes you miserable!
  14. I think you have the right idea. Meditation is great, but medication is also a powerful tool that you should absolutely use if you need it. My only advice is that you may respond differently to the medication now than you did in the past. Basically, your physiology changes over time no matter how old you are. Treat it like a brand new medication, and stay aware of how it affects you. The good news is it may work even better than you remember!
  15. Haha, okay, several days later I'm trying to sort out how to respond to comments. In any case, thanks for your support everyone. I also don't have the best memory and tend to get distracted, so I'll probably be pretty sporadic.
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