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About MayRyan

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  1. Hey, fellow college student here also struggling with anxiety and depression here. I Also have a sibling who has said some very hurtful things to me. you are among friends here. Feel free to PM me if you ever want someone to talk to.
  2. Hello, I have a lot of the same symptoms as you. I have recently been introduced to personality disorders... borderline and avoidant are a good fit for me, might be worth looking into... sorry i can't be more help, hope you figure it out.
  3. Hello, I seem to have developed a fear of leaving the house. Every time i think about my commitments, I shut down, freeze up, and lock myself away. The longer I stay inside the worse it gets and my school work is just piling up, Logically I know I need to break things down into manageable chunks. However, I am just to choked up to even think about that. I just feel like I have a bunch of all or nothing tasks ahead of me and I am landing on the nothing side every time I try to do anything. So instead it's like something inside of my clicks off and I stop being able to care about anything that threatens the safety of my bed. I feel like such a failure for not being able to reach the expectations set out for me. A terrible friend, daughter, student, employee. I just feel like every choice I make lets people down. I have flaked on so many commitments. I have been not functioning for a while now and, although my mood has improved slightly, the anxiety is so debilitating. I just want to not feel like the world is crashing down on me for a little while, even f that makes facing things so much worse, why does that make me feel like a bad person? Am I alone in this? Anyone have any tips to getting past this?
  4. I think this is a common feeling, at least in my experience. You are definitely not alone in this. It is important to remember that change happens regardless of what we want. Even if you don't change , circumstances will and not always for the better. My advice would be to be open to change. you don't have to be seeking it out but don't turn it away either. We are always changing and growing, i am sure you have changed subtly over the years. Don't worry about losing who you are because as a person that will constantly evolve with experience.
  5. I am not a voice of authority on the topic but I can give you my thoughts. In my opinion CBT is a general set of skills, as you have suggested. The nice thing about CBT is it almost thrives on failure, each time you slip up would be another chance to recenter your self and examine why that happened. Its definitely worth looking into further. It wasn't a cure-all for me but it did help me understand what was going on in my head.
  6. Welcome to the forum, I feel you. The negative stigma around mental health is terrible. I think one of the most helpful things I got out of therapy was the importance of self compassion. Try to think of your self as your best friend rather then your enemy, Because it's so easy to get down on yourself and sometimes its very hard to see the good side, so try to treat yourself how you would treat someone you love in the same situation. Fell free to PM me if you want to chat.
  7. Thanks for sharing your experience scienceguy. I've had such a bad time with CBT that I am really reluctant to try DBT now... but its good to hear that some people get something out of it.( Dreading having this conversation with my original pdoc who never mentioned a personality disorder might be in the cards, even though now that I know a bit more about the disorders i can see so many red flags.) I wish there was a better way to go about things you struggle with that isn't just acknowledging the issue and then just doing the thing anyway, which seems to be the way my therapists approached it. Maybe I didn't give my CBT the best chance but I found myself just getting frustrated with mindfulness. It just made me constantly aware of how uncomfortable I was in the group setting, and then to sit with it day after day... well lets just say I didn't make it to the stage where they actually work on dealing with the problems (If this program even stretched that far, you can only do so much in 4 weeks.) It is very hard to change who you are as a person, and I want to make that change but i am just stuck with this all or nothing thinking. It feels like every small setback just throws me back to the starting line. And everything in me is screaming at me to hide and its just making it so hard to move forward. I've been working really hard this past year and looking around me it is like i haven't moved an inch. And i worry that I am starting to get comfortable here and I am terrified of taking any risks that might help me move forward. (Sorry, this should probably go in a journal post but I 'm curios to see any response)
  8. I too am in a day program and I don't see it helping much, especially in such a short time... No one has mentioned a cure to me, I think a lot of the work is just learning to cope and manage despite the illness.
  9. Probably avoidance, but I guess the avoidance part makes it really hard for me to set or commit to goals? I don't know I probably need a good talk with my treatment team to straighten some things out because I just don't know what directions are even available to get "better" but they expect me to come up with answers on my own. And I've tried researching options and they just recommend therapy and I just don't know how to break that down further into something that relates to me. Thanks for your response.
  10. hello, i have just met a new psychiatrist and we have discussed the new possibility of personality disorders (schizo-typical, borderline, and avoident are the possibilities on the table) and now I am being pressured to come up with new therapy goals. I don't have the slightest idea where to go with this new information. I guess I'm just wondering what other people have found helpful/ would recommend? -MayRyan
  11. i'm sorry noone could responded before me. I'm still new at this... what you've described sounds like depression to me. you are not alone in this. but depression is highly treatable, they say. its important to acknowledge that no matter what you are feeling, your feelings are real and justified.
  12. Hey, sorry to hear you are struggling right now. My go to hypocritical advise is to try and get out more, check meetups and facebook groups for something you might have even a vague interest in, maybe look for things you can do with your son too. I'm sorry i cant be much use children make everything so complicated, bless them. anyways, just wanted to reach out
  13. i see your point how that may not help your situation. Next I'd suggest making intentional activity changes. do what you can for as long as you can and then do something else, something quick but need you to get up and move around. dont try to push yourself to do something when youve lost interest just set it aside and go for a walk, take a jot bath. get back to it when your brain has settled down. dont fight yourself. i dont have any tips for conversations though....stimtoys might be helpful in that case, something to help keep you in the moment without getting lost in your head while you listen.
  14. stim toys can be so many things. they are basically objects that give you tactile stimulation. things like spinner rings and stress balls are more commonly used but there are lots of options, there's even mouth safe ones if you need oral stimulation. (i am big an gnawwing on things when i get overwhelmed) they kind of give you a point to ground you, i guess. Getting to know more about stimming in general might be helpful, see what works for others and try it out if your interested check out stimtastic.co 's fidget jewelry for more ideas (and it doesnt have to be jewelry, i just find it more convenient than carrying things, but anything that feels good to you either by weight/texture/movement could be used) i also find most forms of mindfulness stressful..mindful eating is a good exercise to try though, way less intense than the full body scans.
  15. I feel terrible. I have two tests today and 3 funal exams next week and i just cant handle the pressure. I have been thinking about hurting myself so much i cant get anything done. I just want to die. I dont even want to feel better anymore i just want to not feel anything. to not feel like such a failure. And mental health is so much work. I am afraid my therapist is disappointed in my because i can never get anything done. and i cant. and she should. And then there is the disconnect. i cant connect to anyone, I've been trying to get out and socialize a lot in the past months and it just leaves me feeling either ignored or worse like am bothering people. I cant be an island. but the expectations i place on myself are drowning me. Then! we have the phenomenon where everything feels like cardboard (is this derealization?) and i just feel so dang empty and valueless and i think that makes the world feel empty but i don't know what to do because i have been doing everything i should be doing and that's just lead me here. I cant focus on anything and i am so afraid of failure I cant calm my mind enough to remember any of the things I've supposed to have learned. On top of this i have missed the past 10 classes in this topic because i couldnt leave the house. I'm not sure if i should even be going back to school next semester is I do for some reason make it through this one. Everything I do just makes me feel worse, but i really like talking in this forum, even if it sometimes feels just like I am yelling into the abyss. I just want to make it past New Years... then is this keeps up i might go back to the hospital...I think i have a psychiatrist appointment before then but the doc will probably just brush me off again. great, now i'm crying. I wish I wasn't so torn. It sure would be nice to not struggle for once. I know everything thats worth having is worth working for but I just can't help not wanting anything. I don't know whats wrong with me. I can't emphasize how much I am struggling here. I need to talk to someone, but all of my friends are busy and responses here are few and far between. I feel like i have nothing to offer. this blog is a mess. I need to make the following changes: see about getting part time benefits for next semester. look into getting back into exercise. get something submitted for all my projects, even partial marks are still marks. lets see where this gets me
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