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Everything posted by NHZ

  1. NHZ

    Just Sad

    I think that we may be soul sisters. Sorry if that sounded creepy. I read this blog and got curious and read all your blogs. I can relate 10000%... minus 1 maybe. I don't have any interest in music, never understood why. Maybe because music is so mainstream and anything everyone else likes, i fail to connect with it. i have the same issues with social anxiety, feeling out of place, not being able to connect to most people... i basically feel like an alien most of the time.
  2. story of my life. except mine would be: A zombie got dressed, drove to work, worked AND repeat...
  3. hungry after suchalongtime ok I suck. I know that's more than 3 words. but I'm not playing by the rules today (!!!) as I actually felt hungry after an eternity of not feeling anything including hunger :)
  4. I wrote an email as well as made a phone call. Both of which, i was supposed to do a month ago. Next time anyone will hear from me, according to this latest trend, will be in a month I guess.
  5. NHZ

    Fear of failure

    I cannot describe the fear that overcomes me when I have to start a new project. Even the slightest action such as writing a 2 line email or attending a call terrorizes me to the point that I would do anything and everything else instead of what I have to do. I have been dragging a project for the past year and a half. That is 18 months or 540 days or 12960 hours of procrastination. I don't know when nor how this fear came about. I was not like this a couple of years ago. Yes, I have suffered from depression for many years now - on and off, but this fear of failure has gotten worse over the last 2 to 4 years. Part of it is, I guess, due to my low self esteem (although I have always had a low self-esteem- so why this fear of failure has crept in recently - I really don't know.). I am afraid of failing because the failure would be a proof of my low self worth. It would be a testimony to the fact that I am an incompetent little dimwit who cannot do anything. I am so afraid of failing, that I end up not attempting anything, thereby guaranteeing my failure. I do not understand my logic. Another trait that I despise about myself is that I think too much and I care too much about other peoples opinion of me. Every little thing affects me and pushes me in my depression. And I mean, every tiny little thing ... ''someone didn't answer me ...it must be because they hate me or they think I'm stupid ...'' this is the type of conversation I have in my head. PATHETIC!!!! I know. And this type of conversation doesn't help me achieve anything. I know it. I know all my issues, yet why can't I get past it. It is especially hard to get back on track after a bout of depression. When depression creeps in, whether it is for a few days, weeks, months (I never know how long it will stay), it is hard to get back to where you left when you do feel ''better''. Everyone else has moved ahead and you have stepped backwards. At this point, guilt and anxiety decide to give you company. You blame yourself for not doing anything, because it is your fault that you didn't do anything. "Yes, it is my fault. Yes, it is my fault. Yes, it is my fault. I am lazy. I am lazy. I am lazy. I am stupid. I am stupid. I am stupid..." This is the latest track I have been listening to. Quite a mood booster and a very motivational track to listen to. The joys of my life ... sigh...
  6. NHZ

    So sad today

    ... speaking too silently ... you speak beautifully. if only we learn to listen. wish you a night filled with beautiful light and nicer thoughts.
  7. sometimes i wish i could switch off both my brain and my heart or just one of them depending on the circumstances! loved this :)
  8. so angry today and don't even know why i'm so angry. most of it is directed towards myself. why can't i just get out of this. why is it that with every step forward, i end up going ten step backwards why why why why why why im so angry at myself!!!!!!!!! i want to go back home and curl beneath my blankets and not talk to anyone for a few days....
  9. i felt happy for a few minutes and then ...it scared me. because it reminded me of the last time I felt the same and how bad it was after .... how is it even possible to be afraid of happiness?
  10. I relate to your problems. I have had pretty much the exact same experience from being a very good student throughout bachelors and masters ... and then with this depression ... even the easiest assignments at work (what i could do in an hour at school), i would take me hours to complete at work. some days are better .... and i hope that you are able to get through it. the only thing that helps me focus and clear a bit of the fog: 1. try to eat well. when i do eat well (at least 2 to 3 times a day even small portions), the fog is less thicker ... although this is hard because even the thought of food can make me nauseous sometimes. 2. good night sleep ... which is difficult if you have insomnia like i used to. i take sleeping pills when it gets really bad. 3. good breathing ... try the breathing technique that is used when you have a panic attack ... and this is amazing how much it helps. but you really need to do it properly. i tried it on my own and it didn't work until my psych showed me how to do it properly. it seems easy to do, when you read the instructions, but apparently, i couldn't even get something as easy as breathing right With this said, i don't think i'm saying anything new... i just realised that it helps a bit ...
  11. hi. sorry for all the difficulties you have been going through. I personally don't know much about bipolar disorder, although it does sound like it from what you have written... but I am no professional. Try getting another professionals advice as well. I know it is hard to go through the whole process of explaining your life history to yet another doctor or psychologist, it might help. personally, I have been trying to read articles and watch documentaries to understand better depression...
  12. We are taught by our parents that hard work always pays off... which is true but it does not always pay off in the way we think it would. I learned quickly that sometimes the people who advance in the business or work environment are usually people who talk a lot - and sadly more often than not - don't work much. They are the 'sweet talkers' that knows the system. They learned to talk their way up. I do not want to generalize, but I have seen it quite often with some exceptions of course. A true leader would recognize and value other peoples talent and work, but sadly the bosses of this world are not always leaders and fail at this. I would say that your father is right, the problem is not you. Its how our society works, its because bosses are not always leaders and that strong work ethics are not always rewarded. But, I always say to myself, that we work hard for ourselves, so at the end of the day, if I can be proud of what I did and that I can sleep at peace knowing that I was honest (irrespective of other peoples dishonesty) then I have accomplished my goal. Yes, it hurts to not feel valued for our work ... but at least you (and your father) can be truly proud of yourself.
  13. I understand that the brain can influence the body and thus cause it to be ill. If a disease is a disorder of structure or function, then the brain being dysfunctional wouldn't it also be considered as a disease? Maybe i am just confusing myself here... @standup, I think you might be right, maybe it really is just semantics. I would simply feel less guilty about it if it was treated as a disease not just an illness ... maybe i simply have an issue with the words "depression" and "illness". i think there should be better terminology than the words "depression" and "illness" which are way too commonly used by everyone, so much that it looses its meaning.
  14. i have recently watched a video about depression. The moderator who is a psychologist who has been researching depression for the past two decades was saying that depression appears to be on the rise over the past two centuries despite the use of anti-depressants having gone up by 300%. There is definitely something wrong here. He was not discouraging the use of anti-depressants though (although every doctor/psychiatrist/psychologist appear to be saying that by fear of being sued ...) and i would also not discourage anyone from taking their meds (lol) ... until more breaktrhoughs are made, we have no choice but to keep on experimenting with different drugs, therapy, etc. Who knows, maybe when it will become a worldwide epidemic (on its way of getting there), will people start taking it more seriously.
  15. This is interesting. I have heard people often state the depression is an illness not a disease, but i fail to understand this statement. If depression is an illness - illness being a product of the a disease - then what would be the disease (a dysfunctional, imbalanced brain ?) I understand that you may have a disease without symptoms (i.e. without illness), can you have an illness without a disease?
  16. Im sorry for your loss lonewolf72. It must not be easy. I understand what you are going through and I wish i had some advice for you. The only thing i can do is send some virtual hugs and some prayers.
  17. yes!!!! I often tell this to my friends. ... nobody gets me ... there is so much going on inside my head .. that I wish I could just ... SWITCH IT OFF Then I will finally have P-E-A-C-E
  18. NHZ


    I relate so much!! I am also afraid of falling asleep ... and during those times when I am awake, I think I have figured out why I am afraid. I am so afraid of failure that I cannot even start a task, because if I do and I fail, then it will simply prove that I am truly a failure ... thus I procrastinate and don't do what I am supposed to do. Thus, at night, I start to think of all the things that I failed to do, go into a self-blame conversation with myself and because I did not do anything, I get anxious and am afraid of the next day coming, because if means another day finished and I didn't do anything and deep down, I know I will not do anything the next day as well ... and because all this makes soooo much sense, my brain decides that I should not sleep ... because ... wait .. I don't know anymore... I can't think nor focus ... nor make any sense ... due to lack of sleep :(((((( my point is, have you tried to really figure out why you refuse to let yourself fall asleep ... why you are afraid to go to sleep? I believe that we know ourselves pretty well... but for some reason we often refuse to be honest with ourselves... for many reasons ... too much painful .. is often the main reason why we refuse to be honest with ourselves... sorry for this long txt ... I am dizzy and making sense is difficult. ps - your poem made me laugh out loud!!! you should write more ... keep them all and publish it one day! I would buy :)
  19. Thank you for the positivity :) we all need it, regardless of what other people might say. it is not because we suffer, that we need to see everyone else down as well. so thank you!
  20. This is interesting and a strange coincidence. I was reading about this plant through a random post on FB (well maybe not so random .. guessing that it shows posts related to what you have researching) and the first post I read on DF tonight is about the same plant. Definitely worth reading into it a bit more.
  21. And to add, it would help to try to understand your causes for wanting to self-harm. I think that once you understand why you feel this way, then it will be easier to find ways to avoid it. i hope this helps. i am always afraid to post something because i fear that i may end up causing more harm than good. take care of yourself!
  22. Hi Jalen, I also have similar thoughts, although i can distract myself enough to let the urge pass. ] You are asking about the reasoning as to why you feel the urge to do so... i can only tell you my reasoning: 1. I want to punish myself. I blame myself for so much that is beyond my control, to even the smallest mistakes, i blame myself for everything and for not being able to get myself out of my depression, for not being able to reach my own expectations... and because of all this, i end up not liking myself --- thus i end up wanting to punish myself. This said, when i am able to distract myself, i end up understanding that ... no it is not my fault and thus i should not be punishing myself for something that is not my fault. Try distracting yourself, if it works for you!! 2. I want to make myself feel something ... an actual physical pain compared to the non-stop emotional pain .. i want to shock myself .. to force myself to react to my situation so that i can get out this lethargy type of situation. 3. because i have trouble accepting that my problem is a legitimate problem ... i.e an illness ... and not just me being weak and stupid ... causing self-harm validates my illness ... its hard to explain. it would justify and validate to the world (and to myself) that yes i have a problem ... an actual problem ... it would be like a physical manifestation or proof of an "invisible" illness. 4. its a cry for help ... as simple as that. its somewhere between wanting to end all and asking for help to others without telling them ... which is non-nonsensical. I feel you and hope and pray that you find a way to let these urges pass.
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