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Skiroule69

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  1. zzzSheepyzzz, I feel you on this one. I don't pretend to understand depression, but I know when I've been feeling low, the thought of doing something that makes you happy is kind of a double-edged sword. On one hand you get excited at the thought of something that might make you happy. On the other hand, you may encounter a feeling of resistance, because by staying depressed and not attempting something that you might enjoy, you're sticking with something familiar. I get that way often. I'll think of something that would absolutely thrill me, or I think it will, then find that the action of making it happen is just 'too hard'. So I let myself down, back away, and at times even use it as an example to myself of "Well I tried that and it didn't work...great, another thing I can't do!" Bottom line, if it's something that makes you happy, you have to push harder to make it happen. You might be tired while standing in front of the finished product, but you'll have a sense of satisfaction you just can't beat.
  2. Thanks for the kind words and input. What hurt the most from this whole thing: They hired a girl who they knew was bringing along a terrible reputation. She came in late every day, bailed early, doctored her time card to make it look like she had perfect attendance, and spent her entire time hanging at the computer printing off coupons. She had ZERO leadership skills and the powers that be all knew this. Then after she was gone, I was made aware that our district manager had always hated her, but gave her the promotion as of way of seeing if she'd sink or swim. What?? I can only speak from personal experience, but anytime I've done poorly at a job, they haven't promoted me to 'send me a message'. I don't even get what kind of message there is to be taken from that. Anyway, somehow this person was a better candidate than me? The mere thought of that has me feeling pretty stupid about all the extra effort I've put in over the years. I've done some quiet poking around, and there seems to be some secret reason why I'm being kept where I am, but nobody will tell me. Either way I think I'm beyond the point of caring what it is. I know what kind of employee I am. Digging into this further, I feel like whatever the rumor mill is churning up will only damage what's left of my self esteem and make me feel worse. Time to hit the classifieds I guess. The thing is, every time something like this happens, I have less spit and vinegar to start over again.
  3. Wow, I feel like I've had way too many threads going lately! I've held my current job for close to 6 years. I started as a receiver in the back room of the store and quickly worked my way up to what they call a 'key carrier' (lowest level manager). I've been at that position for at least 5 of the 6 years. When I started there, a 20 year old kid had just been selected for an assistant manager's position. This guy was no ball of fire and rather than move into managing his own store quickly, he plugged up the assistant's position for 4 years. The only reason he was allowed to park there so long was because he and the manager of our location are BFF's (60-some year old store manager living vicariously through a wild 20 year old but that's beside the point). I hoped that as soon as he moved on, I would be in line for assistant, and then to eventually take on my own store. After 4 years waiting in the rafters, he finally moved on and I made my intentions aware. Unfortunately, our district manager had other plans and moved someone who had only been with the company 2 years into the spot I thought was mine. I took the loss very personally, but hoped to still advance. When he moved on to his own location after only a few months, opportunity presented itself, but again the DM brought someone else in. This time a girl who was reputed to be a TERRIBLE worker. She proved to be just that and was fired after only two months. I shouldn't have assumed that everything related to me, me, me, but the fact that they picked someone who everyone knew was going to fail miserably over me felt terrible. Again, however I thought it might finally be my turn. Well I just got word today that they're moving yet another person in. This time it's someone who managed his own store in the company for years and is now being offered a cushy position as assistant so he can pad out his remaining two years until retirement. The news that this guy is a jerk of epic proportions is just icing on the cake. The double-blow came when I was also told they're changing company policy, and instead of assistant candidates being allowed to choose which locations they want to take on, it's now mandatory that you A) Have to take what's given to you, and B) It's now mandatory that you move out of state for your position. I love where I live and am not willing to move south, so I guess this is it for me here. I wouldn't take the rejection so badly, but this same thing happened at my last job, which I had for 7 years. The circumstances were different, but this time it was an older manager that kept promising to retire 'in two years' and then the position would be mine. I waited 7 years before finally giving up and moving on. I feel like I've wasted the last 12 years playing pretend supervisor. My family tells me to just hit the bricks and start job searching, but after going through this pattern for so long, I feel like "Why bother?" It's just going to happen again. I feel like it's important to mention that I've always prided myself on being an extra hard worker. Get there early, stay late, and take anything on with a positive attitude. My dad always taught me that hard work would get you far. I feel like hard work only gets you more hard work. My family also tells me that it's just the 'level of people that I'm working with', insinuating that it's them. I used to think so too, but after having it happen so many times, I'm convinced I'm the loser.
  4. Thanks you guys/gals. I've always been the 'talker' in our marriage. Always have to say how I'm feeling, what I think, etc. She's more of the stereotypical male...quiet and reserved, doesn't like to show emotion, always has to be pestered to talk about things. A big part problem with the recovery from this situation is me having always been easily wounded and much slower than average to let things go. I've always wished I had the ability to just put the past in the past, but for some things, any little reminder (like her using FB) will dredge up feelings I thought were long buried. Hopefully it fades away over time. Thanks again! It feels better just to talk about it. Besides my wife, I've got a long distance 'bestie' but he's not much for relationship talk!
  5. Little bit of backstory: About 6 months ago I logged into Facebook. I'm a very private person and had only accumulated 33 friends. One of them was a girl I went to middle and high school with, whom I haven't seen since we graduated in the late '90s. Never was a romantic interest, never will be, basically an acquaintance at best. Anyway, she posted something that day about how good it is to spend time with nice guys. I chimed in with a silly response about how nice that is to hear, we're so few and far between (nice guys that is). It was intended to be silly and funny, nothing else. I get home from work that day and notice pretty quick that my wife is giving me the silent treatment, and won't give anything up even when pressed for info. Eventually I get a sarcasm-saturated "So who where you spending QUALITY TIME with?" I guess I focused too much on the QUALITY part of the accusation, and spent a moment searching my statement history for any instance where I could have said something like that. I drew a blank, then went on the defensive. I said nobody, what are you talking about? Moving things along, she had seen my FB post and somehow read 'spending time' as 'quality time' which to her meant a sexual experience. I told her the only time I'd ever heard the term quality time referred to as sex was in the movie Bad Boys! She countered with telling me that 'everyone' knows that quality time means sex, and kept trying to corner me in a lie. I've never been unfaithful to anyone in my entire existence, and took the accusation, coming from the person I love and trust more than anyone else in the world as the worst kind of betrayal possible. I have extremely low self-esteem and am about 180 degrees from liking, much less loving myself, but if there was anything I could pride myself on, it would be having an excellent work ethic, being honest, and 200% faithful to my marriage. The thought that she could even fathom me going to another woman for any kind of relationship was preposterous, and I told her so. It took me pulling up the actual comment to prove to her that nowhere did it say 'quality' or even imply as much. Eventually she realized she had not only read a platonic exchange wrong, but had turned it into fiction as well. Unfortunately it got worse, a lot worse. In the time between her finding the post, flying off the handle about it, and when I got home, she had copied and pasted the conversation, posted it to her account, and responded with "What kind of person would say something like this to another woman?" In essence she lamb-basted me to both her circle of friends, mine, and all of our family members. Not only that, but after 16+ years of knowing my how my life companion thinks, I'm positive she called and told her parents (who I'm extremely close with) in great detail as well. While I was at work stocking shelves and thinking life was great, I was being branded a cheater to everyone I know. When confronted with this, I was speechless. I did the only thing I could think of, which probably didn't help my case, and that was to leave in a rage and go the only place I could think of to explode, cry, and wonder just what the F was going on...my job (how pathetic am I?) I spent a couple hours alone in the dark at the store, trying to sort out the magnitude of what had happened. Again, long story a bit shorter, I eventually decided to go home, where I found her extremely apologetic. She had deleted her FB account (I had deleted mine from work) and said she felt horrible for having ever thought I could do such a thing. As previously mentioned, this was 6 months ago, but for me anyway, the wounds are still there and fresh just below the surface. She has since recovered her FB account (even though she said she never would) and still posts as if nothing ever happened. I'm sure she thinks everything is fine, but every time I see her on there, it tears everything open again. I'm left feeling like someone who was sentenced to life without having committed the crime. I'd love to recover my social media outlet, but don't want to face the 'shame' of it. Most people would have probably moved past it, and at times I have, but when your wife is also your best (and for the most part only) friend, it's really hard to fully recover from. A lot of the time I want to tell her how much this destroyed my reputation (and my heart) but I feel like she'd be surprised I'm not over it by now. So I stay quiet.
  6. The thing I hate the most about this is, I know I make those around me sick of me because of the negativity. I just feel like I can't control it. I've had it rubbed in my face numerous times that I don't have it near as bad as some. I know that, and it pi**es me off when someone feels they have to point it out to me. I never said I had it worse than anyone, it's just that I feel screwed by life at every turn. I know life isn't easy, but I can't stand everything always being a fight to the death, even simple things. If something every went my way once, I'd probably die of shock! I know this is pathetic, but I quit hanging out with my friends, partially because I wanted to spare them the bummer of hanging with me, but also because it makes me mad to see how easy they've got it. Again, I've had it pointed out that I'm sure things aren't as easy for them as it looks from my perspective, but it sure as heck seems like it. Two perfect examples: My wife has a friend she went to high school with. She got married and waltzed right into this high paying job right after college. Everything she does works out perfectly for her, then she inherits several hundred thousand dollars from some long lost relative, buys her dream house, etc, etc. Now everything she suggests to my wife is soaked with "Life is just a matter of deciding what you want and then waiting for the world to give it to you". Enough to make you sick. To hear her talk about her petty little problems actually makes me angry. OK, I realize this isn't an everyday scenario, but annoying. The other is my buddy Joe. We had lots of classes in college, went for about the same degree, only he forms some connection with the dean of the college and doors start opening up for him. He's able to skate past some of the prerequisites and rules and lands his dream job immediately after graduation. Same deal, everything he tries works out wonderfully for him and everybody he deals with falls in love with him. He also ends up with piles of money and has his version of the American dream before he's 30. Also same, every time I talk to him and mention my troubles, he can't wrap his brain around it. Every suggestions is "Well it's just as simple as..." and reeks of smug satisfaction from having everything fall into place perfectly his whole life. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect a handout, financial or otherwise, but let me put it this way: You can only beat your head against the wall so many times before you realize it isn't going to let you through and you give up. That's what I feel like every day. Why bother? (whatever it is) isn't going to work out for me. This is what makes the negativity so hard to control.
  7. Hello. My name is Marc and I'm new here. I've dealt with depression, feelings of abandonment, and uncontrollable anger since I was a child. Depression has always been a constant, but lately I feel anger almost all the time as well. Although nobody would know it because I am quiet, I'm always boiling just below the surface. I start each day striving to be in a good mood, but it feels like a fight that I never win. It takes so little to set me off and so much to calm down. When someone wrongs me, which is daily, I feel I can't just shrug it off and keep going. It makes me hate that person and never want to offer them my kindness again. I've never blown up at anyone, but in a way I so badly want to. I'm angry because my parents left me at home with my grandparents so they could go on island vacations, or shipped me off to one hellish summer camp after another when I was little. It left me wondering what I did that made them not want to be around me. I'm angry because I didn't get diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome until I was 25. Had I found out earlier it might have explained why my mother and I spent much of my youth at each others throats. She treated me like I was a problem child in spite of the fact that I got decent grades, never got in trouble, and never did anything wrong. I was just a quiet kid who preferred solitude in his room with his Legos. I'm angry that my dad didn't stand up to her once in awhile, instead resorting to alcohol to cope. I'm angry that my mother had such ridiculously high standards for me. I was supposed to be a doctor when all I wanted to do was build a business out of my one true passion (buying, selling, and selling parts of old snowmobiles...valuable in our region anyway). It was just 'old junk' that made the yard look bad to her. I'm angry that my backup dream (doing custom auto bodywork and paint) didn't even get that far. There were no vocational schools in our area and every shop I tried to apprentice at I was told I needed five years experience before I could work there. How was I supposed to get that if nobody will let me in? I'm angry that I have to hide my Asperger's from everyone, or be treated like I'm damaged or stupid. I'm angry that my dad killed himself when I was 25 and that my mother then expected me to slide into his role waiting on her hand and foot, and provide the hard labor of the business that they ran, even though I had a wife and things of my own to take care of. I did my best to make everyone happy, but it was never good enough. I'm angry that this drove a rift between my wife and mom, who spent a decade of hating each other and expecting me to pick a side. I'm angry that I'm stuck in a dead-end retail job. I'm angry because I was raised thinking if you work your butt off, good things will come your way, yet it couldn't be further from the truth. I'm angry because even though I'm far more qualified and energetic, I'm continually looked over for promotion to managing my own store while lazy, minimal effort people cruise right up the ladder. All because my boss likes the job I do for him, and wants to keep me where I am so he doesn't have to apply himself. I'm angry that every female in my life takes full advantage of what a nice, outgoing guy I am and eventually expects me to do everything for them so they don't have to, and then never appreciates my efforts. I'm angry that, even though my wife is my best friend, I can't talk to her about any of this. She tells me I'm too negative and that she doesn't want to hear it. If I have a bad day at work, her simple solution is get another job, easy as that and then she's done listening. It's the same thing with my interests (the snowmobile thing). If I ever bring it up she'll leave the room, interrupt me mid-sentence and change the topic, or do something else that indicates she just doesn't care (turn on the hair dryer, go let the dog out, etc). Even though she has known for 10 years that I have Aspergers and that we tend to obsess on some things, she acts like I can control it and should just keep it to myself. I've tried talking to my Canadian e-mail buddy of 20 years about some of this, but being another male, he tends to shy away from anything related to 'feelings'. If I dare talk to my mother, she'll take any subject and within 5 words turn it into how I should divorce my wife, quit my job, and move closer to her. If I'm lucky she'll dive into the past and try to get to the bottom of why (in her mind) I treated her so crappy when I was little. I've never been able to maintain more than one friend at a time. I guess doing things for friends I kind of expected some kind of reciprocation, and when it felt to me like I was doing all the giving, I gave up on the friendship. I've tried counseling, but felt that they always wanted to quickly wrap me up with the same solutions: Become a good Christian (I can't really call myself atheist but live by more of a code of ethics), and bring in my wife and mother for some group sessions. Rather that waste money I don't have on what I know would result in more of them wanting me to pick sides, I stopped going to the sessions. I know this is a lot to digest coming from a first-timer and I sincerely appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it. It's just that I feel like at 36 years old, it's too late and pointless to try and make my life better. I've put myself out there so many times and had my hopes crushed, to say I could use a little good luck for a chance is a drastic understatement. When I look back at my life all I see is sadness, failure, and pathetic. I've dealt with it for a long time, but it's getting harder to pick myself up and go back for another round. Even though I don't want to hurt these people in my life that I often question whether they even want me around, I sometimes worry that I'll go down the same road as my dad.
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