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Kisa

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Everything posted by Kisa

  1. Today was stormy with heavy rain, so my exercise war getting out of bed, switching the heater on, later shutting the heater off, going to bed :( I already feel the result of not moving, my mood is down, the pain is much stronger than most of the time.
  2. I actually feel pretty good, realizing that I am coming out of the 'Wellbutrin-hole'.
  3. What's the author's name? I'd love to read it myself. I actually try to read anything that helps me to understand depression (and the effect on physical pain).
  4. Yesterday I read a post about self hate and not being able to 'fix'it and wrote a reply. When I started writing I actually had no clue where I was going to go and created the idea of dissociate you from yourself and see yourself as a patient and help this patient. When I was finished, I actually thought that it is a good idea and might work for her. This morning I realized, that this is actually the magic of this forum, you try to help others, who have the same or very similar problems like you, and unconsciously you find a way to help yourself, although most of the time you've thought you can't do anything to get yourself out of the misery. Now you have at least the idea of what might help you - following through is another topic. Why are you here?
  5. Woke up with the terrible thought that I may have offended someone in this world with my post yesterday night, which was absolutely not my idea. And now I can't find it to explain what I meant, but probably didn't write. It's like saying something and later realizing that it came out not the way it was supposed to, and it's too late to 'fix' it.
  6. Kisa

    Trying

    You did the first step with thinking about giving it a try, just continue with one step after the other, when you need a break, take it, when you fall get up and continue. It might be worth the effort, but you don't know unless you try it.
  7. I am an atheist as well, but I can accept the concept of God as a metaphor, not as the white man with a long beard looking down on us. I think the basic of this pompous video is - what I've accepted as fact - that our upbringing, education, surrounding, and contacts limit us in perceiving the world more openly. We clutch to the moral we were told, we strive to be successful, accordingly to the values we were taught, behave appropriate, and think in a very limited realm. When I was in school there were just three dimensions, considering time as the fourth was a new concept. I was brought up with the idea that mathematics is a fact, is true - not that it is a working theory. How can you grow with these limitation? But humans feel save to adhere to things, values, and thoughts that were approved by society, they accepted them as their own. But now disassociate yourself from all that, be aware of the structure and how you are controlled by it - realize that you don't do anything out of your free will. When you stop at this point, you most likely will end up in depression or anxieties, you will be lost because you dissociated yourself from something that gave you security, a core desire of the human race. The next step is to find yourself and open up to new thoughts, new associations, different perceptions, discoveries, and imaginations, only possible because you do not limit yourself by following the old values and structures of thinking you adhered to. Not being lost and afraid, but finding the values in yourself gives you a new security and safety. If you need God to find the 'new you' is just a matter of opinion. What I wrote is more my opinion than an interpretation of the video, but I think across the board, that the message is similar.
  8. Dissociate yourself, imagine you step out of your body and see yourself, see yourself as a patient you have to help, analyse the reasons for the mistakes your patient makes. It's most likely a malfunction of the brain. Do you hate your patient for that? Of course not. How can you help her? Let her see the things that are good, even when they are minuscule, support her in accepting her illness. You are ill, you have a disease. Would you hate yourself if you had a physical disease? You may hate the circumstances, you may hate the disease, but you most likely woudn't hate yourself.
  9. Mountains, rivers, clouds, sun, rain, rainbows - enjoying a beautiful view, smell, and sound are actually the BIG things in my life. Nature is my escape, it keeps me sane, it keeps me alive - I imagine being the eagle floating above me, it's so overwhelmingly beautiful and powerful that it can get me out of my depression into a short, almost painful burst of happiness. And then there are the small things: signing up for ikea family card, I had to make a cross for my income, in the past I was somewhere in the middle, this time I was below the lowest, I have actually just a third of their lowest. This one cross got me. One f..... cross and my entire misery hit me. I know this was not the intention of this topic, but I used to see both sides of a coin. To get out of my 'misery' I started reading posts - it helps a lot knowing that I am not alone.
  10. Omg I can't believe that. I would have gone directly to HR and complaint about this person, even in my last second at work. But that just helps other people, no yourself directly, the damage is done, you can't 'unhear' this assault. Second thought: to be correct, I would have been so hurt, that I had done nothing but pondered if other people felt the same, my self esteem (whatever is left) would have been shattered. I WAS the person, who would have taken action. It's really sad to see how much I have changed. --- Writing this and thinking of the change gets me to the edge. Have to stop now.
  11. Saw a neurosurgeon today (for my non-mental problems), he diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia, and acknowledge that it can be very painful, so far so good, then he said 'it could be worse, you could have cancer'. What the hell was that? Fibromyalgia, chronic pain from an accident, bi-polar and clinic depressed is enough, I really don't need to be told that it could be worse - especially not by a doctor.
  12. Hi KellyB79, Im so sorry to hear about your anxiety, but I congratulate you for asking for help. Unfortunately I have to leave for my physician, so I can't be there for you. Breathing exercises help me with anxiety, depression, and pain. Lay down on a blanket or mat, close your eyes, feel your body, feel were it touches the ground, breath deep, very conscious, feel the air go into your lungs, hold it for a short time, breath out. Slow down your breath-in/out cycles, then start to do variations, breath shallow, breath deep, breath into your breast, breath into your belly. While slowing down reduces the anxiety and prevents you from going into panic mood, the other exercises may help you to keep the anxiety down. Or even get rid of it. It might take some time, but when you do it often enough, just laying down on the mat is a positive trigger for your brain that you're going to relax. At least it works for me. Have to go, hope it helps you
  13. You deal with an irrational emotional reaction - Unfortunately I have no idea how I can help with your emotions since my answer is a more intellectual one. I always say it is better to be criticized than ignored, because when you get a constructive criticism, someone cares enough about you (to at least try) to help you. The biggest mistake is to be afraid to make one, you need failure and criticism to grow. When you are afraid to be criticized, you are stressed, and when you are stressed you make unnecessary and avoidable mistakes, and get criticized for those - it's a vicious circle. Don't apologize or say you could be wrong before your statement. Opening with 'in my opinion' or ' I think' tells your listeners that you are open for a discussion, which includes a constructive criticism. (It's enough when you say it once) Or you end your statement with: what do you think? That puts you in an active position, you ask for opinions, criticism, or help. You are leading the discussion, you are not the 'victim' of criticism and you can always ending strong acknowledging what the other person said, thanking for the new point of view, saying you are thinking about it - you don't have to agree, you don't have to fight. Practice it with a friend. Change your attitude, don't be afraid to be wrong, see it as a chance to learn from others - or get a confirmation that you had a good idea or thought. That would be my advice to a person that is shy and lacks self esteem. Since we are mentally/emotionally challenged there might be trigger points in your case that go far beyond shyness and lack of self esteem. I hope that my post is at least a little bit helpful
  14. NHZ Thanks for your post, I totally agree with what you wrote, I've many years of experience - on both sides. But getting experience takes time, many mistakes, misunderstandings, helplessness, anger, and so much more. My best friend is my husband, we are far beyond the point that we are afraid of hurting the other. Critic is as necessary as putting yourself in the other's shoes. (German expression). I don't know what's more challenging, being ill or being the partner of someone with clinic depression. Communication, understanding, and given each other space and/or the above mentioned hug is crucial.
  15. Those moments when your dog becomes your best 'friend'.
  16. Can we ever win? I actually don't think so, even when having been treated successfully, give it some time and the medication doesn't work as good anymore, trigger points accumulate, physical pain will affect your mood. But do we rally have to win? Winning is the result of fighting, and the reason for fighting isn't gone, hence fighting will come back, you might win, you might lose - for sure it will take a lot of energy and there is no hope that it will ever end. I had been in a really terrible mood over several months, and it seemed to get worse, panic attacks came back, although I followed my regime of meditation, exercises, relaxations, and proper food. My depression have been accompanied by chronic physical pain, which also has gotten worse. I realized that my entire life had been focused on avoiding pain, thinking every minute of it, what to do, how to do it, and what not to do. The moments I broke out of my regime (because I was too tired, in too much pain, or felt 'too good'.) I hated myself for being so weak, and my mood got worse. Recently I made some major changes in my life. I sold my house (was much too big for someone who doesn't need any office space or studio), and moved into an area with the perfect climate for me, and a very beautiful landscape. Missing the 'crutch' of my daily regime, it really got worse and I was beating myself up for taking this ill thought through step. But surprisingly I had a few good moments, and I realized those came when I was sitting on my property, which has a gorgeous view on a lake, river, and mountains, and watched Bold Eagles circling above me, clouds letting the sun through, or listening to the noises of the wilderness. I wasn't depressed, I didn't feel pain. Those good moments didn't last long, but at least I've had them, the first time in years. I assume my unconsciousness got me to this place. A place that is diametrical to my medical 'needs'. A place that doesn't make sense in an intellectual way. Another giant step for me: instead of hiding, I've approached peoples around me and told them about my clinic depression, how it feels, and what it means. I told them that it helps me being with them, but that I might just get up and leave without saying anything - and explained that it means a wave of depression starts and I am not able to communicate properly. Doing that was such a big relief. That was very long, but it's so new that I had to write - and understand it. I have the feeling that acceptance instead of fighting might be the better way. And most importantly for me: not thinking 24/7 of it, not have everything in my life turning around me and how miserable I am, but finding something else that occupies my mind without being forced or creating exhaustion. Another important point for me is to let go of the stern discipline and expectations. I am not who I want to be, I haven't reached my goals in my life, I am angst-ridden thinking of the future, but I can't change reality, I have to accept it and make the best out of it. Unfortunately I will forget all these ideas when I am in a spell :(
  17. Hi SillyGoose, I know exactly what you are writing about. I actually loved my manic phases (bipolar 2, more controllable manic phases than with bipolar 1), but over the last few years my depression phases have dominated and I am totally exhausted now. Life has become a real challenge. But I am not giving up at this point. Additional to Lamictal and Seroquell I have been taking Wellbutrin for two weeks now. Unfortunately I belong to those, who have a terrible problem adjusting to Wellbutrin, but this forum helped me continue with it because I learned that it helps others after they went through hell. At least I have some hope that it will get better - and that keeps me going for now. Then we will see... One step after the other. For the loneliness I haven't found a 'cure' yet, but when I am in a not so bad phase, I can see it as a challenge, not a problem. Try to find something that is worth living for.
  18. Wow, that sounds like a total mess. I'd recommend cleaning up, forget your friends for a while - they might perceive you as very needy. Become a friend with yourself, become independent, do things you enjoy, just by yourself. It's not easy and will take time. But it's worth it.
  19. Hi Quentin360 and Knursingstudent, on a different threat: 'I keep talking myself into feeling bad' I commented on KevinGrem's post. It's about the (unnecessary) distinction between mental and physical disease.
  20. You put it much better than I could. I thought last night exactly about this 'problem'. It was triggers by my insurance, which has been refusing to pay for my disability any longer because I have a combination of physical and mental problems - and they exclude mental problems after 24 months. Yesterday I got a letter from an ERISA (specialized on disability claims) lawyer stating that he can't do anything. Useless to say that I wasn't calm and happy. I was pondering on the difference between physical (chronic pain and Fibromyalgia) and mental disability. Both times we deal with transmission of electric pulses, which can be altered by chemical substances (or the lack of). I assume it's more a philosophical question than a medical. Most physical diseases have an mental component, and most mental diseases have a physical component, so why is there a distinction instead of a holistic approach? The difference for me is instead of living on a decent budget, I am dependent on support from the state - after working my butt off for 30 years.
  21. Write your post, go or run around the block, hit a punishing ball, do push-ups, scream out as loud as you can, do anything that exhausts yourself, then read your post again. Do you feel the same? Would you send it now? I know that writing helps a lot - but you don't have to post it immediately. I learned it the hard way.
  22. Hi Throwaway After two breakdowns each ending in the ER within two weeks, I got the recommendation to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist ( I was in the ER because I couldn't stand physical pain anymore and was mentally totally exhausted.) Reluctantly I made my appointments with both. I saw the psychologist first with a really arrogant attitude, expecting to hear exactly what other people had told me before: it's all in your head, think positive, ... The first session was kinda boring, questions about my family, upbringing, education and my work. I considered it wasted money and time, and decided to give her three sessions to convince me, that it's worth the time and money (did I mention that I had an arrogant attitude ?!). And then she got me, asking the right questions, made me see things I didn't want to see - I started hating her, and continued with the sessions, crying, angry, hurt, and sometimes even aggressive. She was the one, who diagnosed me with being bipolar - after I was treated for 30 years unsuccessfully for occasional depressions. My good luck was, that she communicated frequently with my psychiatrist and I got the proper medication. She taught me meditation and more important self-hypnosis to lessen my physical pain. Unfortunately I had to change my insurance - and lost both of them. I think a good psychologist is not telling you what's wrong with you, but let you figure it out yourself and helps you understand what you can do yourself to better your situation, and what can be done on her side in collaboration with a psychiatrist. I don't know if my comment can help you, especially since I was very lucky finding the right persons, but when you after a few sessions think it doesn't get you anywhere, I'd look for another psychologist and discuss if adding a psychiatrist (who is the one prescribing medication) to your treatment makes sense. Good luck and I hope that you feel soon that your name isn't appropriate
  23. Hi Knursingstudent, your post could be mine, word for word - except that my struggles started later than yours.
  24. First, don't apologize that you write too much - no one is forced to read it - and I think that is the big advantage of this forum, you can let it out without 'bothering' friends or family, and when you get a response, it's most likely an honest one. I joined yesterday and have already read a lot, learning that some are much worse than me, some are in the process of getting better, and some managed from being miserable to feeling 'normal' now. When I got up this morning, I knew what to do - the first time in a long period: reading the blog. I am just a normal person with some health issues (physically disabled, bipolar, anti social) and I've had my share of bad relationships. I expected from my partners to be my psychologist, supporter and scapegoat without acknowledging my problems myself. Do you love her or do you need her? What is missing when she is not around? Why do you think you can't live without her? When you are able to answer these or similar questions, I would consider it the first step to healing. There is no pill solving your problems, just one/some that might lessen your symptoms and help you to work on yourself. If you haven't been depressed before, I assume you don't need foremost medical but mental help. Get it and go far away from your ex.
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