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walruscarpenter

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    Canada
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    Reading, writing, horseback riding, animals, singing, playing piano and guitar

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  1. Thanks for the replies! I agree...I think it's due to extreme loneliness and insecurity and wanting to be loved and accepted. I have great and wonderful and supportive friends, but it's not the same. I want someone to cuddle with me and be there all the time, you know? And my friends have their own lives to attend to, I can't expect them to drop everything whenever I want someone to hold me. I'm really attached to my parents because of this, I think. Because they're always there when I need them and they love me unconditionally, so it makes me feel safe and happy. I am seeing my therapist tomorrow and I'll hopefully be able to talk to her about it. I am working on my self-esteem, so hopefully with time that will come...
  2. Okay...so I have this weird thing where I get obsessed with people and things. I fell in love with a friend of mine and I found myself constantly looking at his Facebook photos, reading all of his posts, creeping his friends' profiles, Googling him constantly and getting VERY upset when he hung out with girls, even though they were friends. Mind you, he was NOT my boyfriend, just a friend that I had feelings for. I have since gotten over him but now I am obsessing over someone else, doing the same thing. Is this normal? I feel like a creepy possessive control freak. One of my oldest friends told me that I have a pattern of obsessive behaviour. Am I crazy? It has been suggested to me that I have OCD, but my therapist doesn't agree because I only have obsessions, not compulsive behaviours. I should mention...I am VERY insecure. I was bullied a lot growing up and was excluded a lot and I find that my self-esteem fluctuates on whether or not my friends pay attention to me and like me. I don't know if maybe this is temporary and will go away when I gain a better self image...but it makes me feel like a freak.
  3. I feel a lot better, thank you everyone! My friends have always echoed what you have all said but sometimes you wonder if they're just trying to be nice, hearing it from people who don't know you and have no context is reassuring.
  4. I don't think I have given him any signals but I am notoriously not subtle, so it's possible he has an idea. I am honestly terrible at reading people. The last guy that I had feelings for hung out with me and talked to me ALL the time and I thought for sure he had feelings, but he didn't. So I am hesitant. But he asks me questions about myself and my family and he asked me when my birthday was, which seems like a good sign. And he has touched my arm more than once while we have been talking, which supposedly might mean something but I don't know. I am really scared to get hurt again. I know you have to take risks in life and such, but I have been rejected before for the way I look so it's intimidating. But he appears to enjoy being around me and I make him laugh, so that's good...
  5. I kind of wish I could be anonymous right now because I feel like I am posting too much, but I am having kind of a mental freakout so anyway... There is a guy that I really like and that I want to ask out, but I am terrified to do so because of how I look. I think I have a pretty face, I have been by multiple people that I do, but I have struggled with my weight for many years, partly due to depression/binge eating and partly because I have an endocrine disease that makes it very easy for me to put on weight and very hard to lose it. So anyway, I'm pretty self-conscious about my body because my thighs are pretty thick and I have cellulite and stretch marks and all that. And I am scared that if I ask this guy out that he will turn me down. But I am MORE scared that he won't, because at my age, relationships generally mean physical intimacy. Now, I haven't had sex yet and I'm not in a hurry to do so, but my biggest fear is that when the time comes, the guy that I am with will think my body is gross or weird or whatever. Do people actually ever think that? I feel like no guy who actually cares about me would be so judgmental and awful - and I know that if I loved someone it wouldn't matter what he looked like - but I just feel so paranoid. I hate feeling so crippled by my terrible body image. I have turned down dates before because I was so self-conscious and I have let opportunities pass me by and not asked people out because of the same. It's a terrible way to feel.
  6. Thanks for the replies everyone! The guy that I am interested in seems like a very sweet and understanding man and I feel like I am probably worrying about nothing, but it's still intimidating...
  7. @gs22 I'm so sorry that also happened to you. At the time I also never considered it to be sexual assault, but when I opened up to friends who have been assaulted, they assured me that unwanted touching of genitals/breasts is also assault. I think the guy I'm interested in cares about me, he is very kind and funny and we get along very well. But I got my heart broken earlier this year by someone else, so I'm hesitant to face possible rejection again. Once bitten, twice shy, all that.
  8. So...I'm 28. And I'm a virgin. I have never really been on a date, I've never kissed a guy and I have obviously never been intimate with anyone. My friends assure me that when I find the right guy, he won't care, but the older I get, I find it harder to believe that. Most guys my age are definitely not virgins, and many of them have slept with multiple women. I just don't understand why a man would pick me when he could have someone more experienced. I don't think I'm a prude or anything, I am interested in sex and trying new things, but I have literally zero idea what I am doing and I feel that guys my age or older will find that really strange. There are multiple reasons why I have waited so long. The first is that I have struggled with my weight and my body image for a very, very long time and so I have never had confidence, which I think men can really sense. I am very, very shy around men and I have turned down dates because I was too intimidated. The second reason is that I was sexually assaulted when I was 20. It wasn't rape, but there were hands and unwanted touching involved, which made me feel really used and violated. I didn't tell a soul for six years, I just pretended like it never happened and I never dealt with how much it bothered me. Lastly is that I have always wanted to wait for someone I love. Initially, I wanted to wait until marriage, but as I get older I think that I would be okay being intimate with someone that I was in a serious relationship with, after a few months. For me, I think sex is something really intimate that you should share with someone you love, and I really want to share that with someone that I could see myself marrying and having children with. Ideally, I would like to only be intimate with the man who will become my husband, but unless I wait until marriage I can't predict that. However...I feel like at my age, this makes me seem really weird. I know very few people who have only been intimate with just one person. I know three other people my age and older who are virgins, but two are very religious and the other has a looooot of intimacy/commitment issues. There is a guy that I really like and that I want to ask out, but I am really intimidated. I don't know his sexual history, but I am guessing that he isn't a virgin. I am just worried that if I start dating him he will dump me if I'm not interested in being intimate right away or that he will think I am a weirdo freak. The older I get, the more this scares me. Would you date someone like me? Would it bother you to wait until at least a few months into the relationship to be intimate? Would it bother you to be with someone who is so inexperienced? Would you find it weird? Are there specific reasons why you wouldn't want to date a virgin? This is something that really freaks me out, so I'm interested in the answers. Thanks in advance.
  9. I find my germaphobia is only a problem when I am in a place where I don't feel at home. I have never had any issues about germs at my parents' house, or when staying with family or going over to friend's houses, it was only when I was in a space where I didn't feel comfortable and at home that it was an issue. So I think it's probably more related to where I am than an actual germ phobia. And both places that I lived where I had a problem with germs were honestly disgusting, the bathroom floor in the one house was covered in dirt and it actually stunk, and I don't think my friend had ever washed her counters, the floor was sticky and the carpet was covered in stains.
  10. So...I'm almost 28. And I still live with my parents. It wasn't planned...it just sort of happened. I graduated college when I was 21 and I moved in with a friend of mine. Except I really hated it. She was SUPER messy, to the point that I literally didn't want to touch ANYTHING in the apartment because it was so disgusting, so I basically ended up back at my parents' all the time anyway. I eventually moved out after two months, with the excuse that I ran out of money. Her parents owned the apartment so I didn't sign a lease. So, back at home. I had NO idea what I was doing with my life. Over the next 3 years, I didn't work a steady job (I was temping) and I travelled, so I stayed home. When I was 25, I decided to go travelling in New Zealand, my plan was to stay there from February until December, get a job and an apartment and live there. I have family there, so I initially stayed with my aunt and uncle, then I traveled around different cities on the North Island. I ended up in Wellington, where I had THOUGHT that I wanted to live, but I HATED it there. I rented a room with these people, but the bathroom I shared was disgusting and I didn't want to touch anything in the kitchen. (I am kind of a germaphobe.) I was so depressed and anxious that I started having panic attacks. I Skyped my parents sobbing and told them I wanted to come home. They told me to get out of Wellington and go down to visit my aunt and uncle in Christchurch. So I packed up and left (luckily I didn't sign a lease there either) and went down. I stayed in Christchurch, then I moved down to the bottom of New Zealand, then back up to Nelson where I stayed with my Dad's friends. Finally, in June, I came home, 6 months early and moved back in with Mom and Dad, and landed a really good job. In 2015, I decided I wanted to move out, so my friend and I got a basement suite in a house. Except I really, really hated it. It was super claustrophobic, the landlord was a douchebag, and I ignored my gut feeling about the place. I signed the lease because my friend guilted me into it, saying she had no place else to go. But I HATED it there. I moved my stuff in, but I kept putting it off and putting it off and putting it off and just staying with my parents. I eventually did stay there a few nights, but all the time I was there I sobbed because I was so anxious and panicky. I found my friend a new roommate and moved out, back into my parents' house. In early 2016, I applied to a university to go back to school. I was accepted and now I'm in school, paying for my tuition, so it's "acceptable" to be almost 28 and still living at home. I never planned to live at home forever. I assumed that I would graduate university and get an apartment and be happy. But the experiences that I have had moving out seem to have been traumatizing, because now the thought of leaving home sends me into a sobbing panic attack. Even now, as I type this, I am having to control my breathing so that I don't get overwhelmed. I don't understand what's wrong with me. Nearly everyone I know has moved out of their parents' house, and the couple of exceptions are there for financial reasons, or because it's different in their culture (they're East Indian). Right now my excuse is "it's cheaper to pay for school" because how can I tell people that every time I have tried to move out, my anxiety has overwhelmed me and I had to move back? My brother moved out without ANY problems and he loves living away from home. I feel like an abnormal freak that he can and I can't, or that all of my friends can and I can't. It's so embarrassing and demoralizing. I feel like such a f***ing loser you have no idea. My therapist tries to tell me not to hold myself to other people's standards, but I know that most people, knowing that I'm almost 28 and living with my parents, will think it's really weird. Only my closest friends know, I am terrified to tell people and I'm ESPECIALLY terrified to tell guys. I mean, if I date someone and he has his own place we can just go to his place, but I feel weird telling him that I still live at home. For the record, I don't live OFF my parents. I don't pay rent because they don't have a mortgage anymore, but I pay for my gas, insurance, phone bill, share of utilities, groceries etc. So it's not like I'm some lazy jackass living off their retired parents because I can't get a job...I have a job and I'm in school full-time. I feel like such a pathetic waste of space. I know that for now, living with my parents IS the smarter financial thing to do, but I'm worried that when I have enough money to buy a house that my anxiety will prevent me from doing so. It's safe here. I didn't have any issues living with family in New Zealand, so I think I've learned that I really need to feel at home and safe. I don't know HOW to do that living on my own. (I don't want roommates ever again.) I'm just so afraid that I will be so lonely and that I'll spend all my time crying and having panic attacks, but I DON'T want to live with my parents forever. I already feel like a loser when I have a legit reason, how will I feel when I have a full-time job? Like even more of a freak. Even just thinking about it gives me anxiety and makes me want to cry. I'm so ashamed, I feel like such a pathetic stupid loser.
  11. I'm 28 and I've never had sex or been on a real date or had a real relationship. It's okay. I know it's s***ty, believe me, I feel the same way you do most of the time. But I'm trying to focus on ME. And make my life as fulfilling as possible, so that I'm happy just being me. I want a husband and kids at some point, but the more I think about it, the more it terrifies me that I'll never get it, so I try not to. I know the "it'll happen when you least expect it" thing is a cliche, but I've found it to be kind of true. I don't mean that I have found "the one" yet, because I haven't, but both men that I have had feelings for most recently just kind of stumbled into my life, I wasn't actively looking. Now, as it turns out, one of them didn't have feelings for me and the other doesn't know about my feelings (yet), so it hasn't panned into anything BUT maybe next time it will. I think the basis of that cliche is that if you're not giving off a desperate vibe and you're just being yourself, it might be more attractive. I'm really sorry that you feel this way. Please message me if you want to talk, I'm happy to chat. But let me just tell you this...I have a friend who is just like you. He is a 37 year old virgin who has had one girlfriend that he dated for a grand total of a month. But his life is full, he has tons of friends and hobbies and he always seems busy. Being romantically alone doesn't have to be lonely. And FYI, I'm a woman and I have asked guys out before. It DOES happen. I'm at the point where I don't give a f***, if I'm feeling it I will ask him.
  12. Thanks everybody! I think I am going to hold off on asking Josh out, I'll just hang out with him some more and kind of see where it goes. I don't want to misinterpret his friendliness and get rejected again. I also think I need to work on my self-esteem and my own image myself.
  13. Thanks. I do think I am a really honest person, I don't believe in spending time with people I don't actually like but pretending that I do (which a lot of people do). And I don't believe in not saying what you feel. Lots of people, it seems, are uncomfortable with this kind of honesty.
  14. I feel pathetic admitting this...but I think I have come to realize that I care a LOT about what men think of me and that their opinions of me affect my self-esteem. I have never been happy with my appearance. I have had friends tell me that I am beautiful multiple times over many years, but I have constantly struggled with my weight due to an endocrine disorder, which has made me feel exceptionally s***ty about myself my entire life. I have been told many times "you have such a pretty face" with the unspoken part being "too bad you're fat". I think, objectively, that I am beautiful and attractive and I think I am curvy in a lovely way (like Ashley Graham) but then I look in the mirror and that all goes away. I have also always been exceptionally shy, and I have turned down men who have asked me out because I was terrified that they were asking me out like I was a joke or whatever. Anyway...I find that the way men treat me defines how I treat myself. I was sexually assaulted at 20 by a "friend" who was 26 at the time. I didn't tell a soul for six years. And I think maybe the way he just used me and left me without any care for how I felt kind of messed me up. But I find that if a man says my hair looks nice or says something nice about me, or even touches me in a friendly way, I feel happy. If he ignores me or I feel like he doesn't find me attractive, even if he's said nothing (I have a problem with making up false realities) then I feel like garbage. I also have a problem with interpreting men being nice to me as men being romantically interested in me. I had a s***ty experience with this dude named Chris who kind of jerked me around for a year and a half and wasn't very nice to me, which led me to constant bouts of crying and depression in which I felt that because HE rejected me as a girlfriend, I was disgusting and ugly and unworthy of love. I recently met another guy named Josh. He is in one of my classes at school and, coincidentally, we keep getting paired together for projects. He is smart, funny, polite and very nice. But we aren't friends outside of school and that makes me feel like about myself. I have thought about asking him out, but I am afraid that he will say no. I am not sure I can handle rejection again, so soon after my hideous time with Chris. I know it's messed up that I don't feel valuable if men don't like me or find me attractive, but all I want right now is someone to love me and think I am beautiful and who WANTS to spend time with me. And then I feel like if someone else feels that way about me, then it's okay to think that way about myself. It's all kinds of screwed up, I know.
  15. Most of my friends feel that I dodged a bullet with Chris, since he didn't want to date me. I tend to agree. If he can't handle issues in our friendship without being a jerk, how would he handle a relationship?
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