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Everything posted by mmoose

  1. Well, if you want to be a mom, and cannot, and someone brings it up... maybe guilt is not the word. But it did not help you. Insensitive may be a description. Certainly not helping you feel better about yourself. But if you have not shared that with her, maybe she does not have awareness that it can really hurt when someone says certain things.
  2. sounds like a microcosm here. I was going to say "tell your mother that she is a mother and "grand" to you, so in a way..." But...no. It is one thing to 'want'. It is another to guilt someone else into providing a want. What does she think she is going by moping around on this topic? Does she think that this is help YOU? Or is this an act of selfishness (selfish regret). If she is all about her, I can take some guesses on why her children might not have turned out to be paragons of health. Talk about "deserve". But, life is not about deserving. Not in the ways people think. The petty person in me says "buy her a cat, call it 'grandkid'" and let it sink in...
  3. Adding some thoughts. Thanks Lindsay for the reminder of the ToS. Yes, search engines will crawl here. Yes, it would be nice if they would not. But, it's how they make their $. So... Be careful about your user name and posting identifying information. (General to any website and life in general!) I would suggest to use a new user name that you do not use on any other site or email. Occasionally, we see someone join and give a FirstName_LastName user name. When I see this, I warn that this might be a bad idea. In the past, some users have requested a change of user name so that their posts are less identifying to them in the real world. But I would not depend upon this as the Administrative staff on a free website may be already overworked. I have seen "new" users with a first post of "I created a new user name that is less able to identify me, so I am not a first time poster. PM me if you want to request my old user name..." which is helpful for maintaining personal connections between friends. If you are still concerned about searches, consider the blogs. You can create a blog and keep it "private". You can maintain a list of which users are authorized to read. I would suggest only setting those users who are actively reading/writing blogs (blogging seems to be very under utilized here) Or, consider getting to know some posters in the forum...then ask if they would read your blog and add them after they agree. The best experience I have had here is because we got a group of 8 or so posters all blogging and commenting on each other's blogs. (it took a while to get going) I like the organization of blogs better anyway. My blog is about me. Your blog is about you. Easy to keep the conversation on track depending upon which blog you are in! But to each their own. (I still keep in touch with one of my blog buddies over 10 years later) Opening this up to other posters that have been here for a while, other tips? What works for you? What does not work? What are your thoughts on privacy? And of course, if you start blog and make it private, feel free to add me to your list. I do try to comment and ask questions (really I do, but sometimes... you know, I'm here for a reason too...)
  4. Thinking about this a bit. "Socially rewarding" I might have known what that was once upon a time. Maybe the fact that I do not understand "socially rewarding" is a problem. Or, maybe I just grew out of it. But I see no reward in social interaction. I've just seen too many horrible "people". Which is worse? Not being "social"? or being social with the wrong people? Then there is "social" vs feeling "connected" to something else (people, a person, a hobby, pets etc) which is similar but different of course. hm.
  5. (been busy and not on this site for a bit) Sometimes, maybe we need to get out of what we think is important and our therapists can see that (or play with it) If you trust, trust. And, nothing is perfect of course. And, sometimes we need to learn which things are good to let go...and which things, if let go, get worse... I loved Herman's Head. Shame it was such a short run. And of course, to put a face on the voice of Lisa Simpson!! Personification of emotions, sure. But also the demonstration of the conflicts between them, pulling us in opposite directions etc. Things are complicated. (should be a cast of hundreds, not just those four. And, like it's easy to recognize the various things like it is as easy as recognizing a face.... Take that cast of hundreds and make them all wear the same costume)
  6. Hi PM. Sorry you are back. Things got better for a while, and then.... Yes, this happens. And it's funny. When things get better, we stop doing those things that helped us get better. And then don't know what to do. "I've tried nothing..." I don't think that is true. You first tried therapy and other things that were positive changes. Good. Then you tried to change jobs, which did not work out quite as expected. But, you are trying! That is part of the journey. Try. And if it works out, alright. If it does not work out, we learn something for the next change. The more we learn, the better our "next idea" will be. It is ok to hate a job. It is ok to look for another (it takes time, right). It is ok to 'backslide' a bit and increase therapy or meds etc. It is ok to recover on the weekends. It is better for active recovery and not passive (sleeping all day or "doing nothing" etc) Sure, it might be hard to manage, but take advantage of the situation you wanted and try. It does not have to be a full weekend. Just start with one thing. Then one thing a day etc.
  7. Hi G, I've seen your thoughtful posts over the years, but we have not overlapped much. I was hoping others would jump in with more responses. Stressed but coping. Busy, which is good. Keeping up, barely. Still getting worse, but should be getting better after the paperwork is finalized. Glad that only some things are getting worse and not everything getting worse. This is bad, but "tv show" Big Mouth ends up personifying some emotions. Depression Kitty, Shame Wizard and the positive one, the Gratitoad. So now I see 'gratitude' and think about the Gratitoad. Such a horrible show, but it is has something going on there with emotions personified. 'Living the dream' is a popular response. 'Living the dream, hoping it stops being the nightmare...' nah, that's too negative. 'Trying to help where I can' maybe that's good enough. The number thing is flawed also...we need a bit background for reference. "yesterday a 2, but today a 3" might be better reference. But again, we need to be careful about who we use this with. And when we can, show appreciation for them. Sounds like you recognize those people in your life are careful to not overwhelm them. mm
  8. I think that everyone has been conditioned to answer "how are you" with "ok" no matter what. So, how to break out of that trained behavior? I have toyed with always answering with a number. A "1-10" scale. No, not for the 'typicals' that you pass in the hallway at work, but for people who understand already (like us here) Overwhelmed but not too miserable. Nice. Awareness, tolerance, some sense of where the limit is. I like it. Of course, some of us are only happy when we are miserable. I know people that I call "stress puppies", they are only happy if they are under a ton of stress. (Yea, I do it also. First step is recognition!) Some use it to get a lot done. Some like the supposed job security that it brings. Others just love to b!tch about stuff or use it to brag. "How are you?" is such a loaded question. Still looking for the hope, or "light at the end of the tunnel" isn't a bad response. What else do we have? I'm looking for more things like this myself. Sometimes, it's hard to find the words. Having some more responses like this could help us realize where we are. Back on topic...if the kids don't hate you, you're doing about as much as you can. It takes two to start a relationship, but only one to break it. Suffering thru, somedays, waiting for a better (or less conflicted) tomorrow is as good as we can do sometimes.
  9. Sorry, I'm a bit different. I don't like attention. And I'm trying to limit exposure to people. Too many selfish or scammers out there. I'd guess I would start with making a number of aquaintences. Some of them might be interesting enough to try to be friends. And then after a while getting to know them (and not just what they say about themselves) then risk some deeper connection. To me, it is a process and a numbers game. And the "willing to invest in others before they invest in you" has diminishing returns usually. But, I am jaded. I would really do the opposite. Find the hobby or pasttime to invest your time in. Something that you find worthwhile by itself. (you've probably heard this a lot) If it happens to be something that others find interesting, then you have a chance to encounter others along the way (Some of my tastes are too different or Euro for the typical 'merican, but I accept that limitation) If you are have an interest or passion in something, it will show and sometimes that draws others in (sometimes, not in a good way) But even if others are not finding you, you can still enjoy something. Just focusing on suddenly jumping into a deep friendship is something that most might run away from. Too aggressive, too deep right away are red flags for me. Volunteer? (car probably rules that out. Got a bike? yes it can be harder to travel in the world made for cars, but bike are a wonder tool for many purposes. Just throwing some things out there. And again, I'm a cynic toward people and working on the misogyny and should not be listened to) m
  10. I said "besides that"... oh well. So social media and church, people are not just showing the best, but everyone is perfectly happy with family, no fighting, not envy or any other problem? It is good that you are looking on the positive side of that. But I don't think you only see that, I would bet that you know that they are not perfect. Which is worse? having a friend that is manipulative or no friend at all? Or someone who gets to know you in depth and does not like what they see? Maybe it's time to change focus or just meet a lot of people and see if any are trusty enough to think about a deeper connection. Just some thoughts. I don't know your entire situation of course. But I know when I start running out of options, it's more a failure of my imagination on the subject and my perception than reality. If I actually met everyone on this planet and they all sucked, then I could draw that conclusion with confidence...otherwise I am jumping to conclusions.
  11. This would be great over in the religion sub forum. I hardly ever visit this thread (too big) and would have missed it but for some adventuring around bing a wierd start to the day.
  12. Hi Thanos, I won't sugar coat it. That is a lot of suck right there. But 37 is still young. And just because you have not found your thing in life, does not mean you can't. (But yes, it can be hard to still be searching after a long time...and the longer, the harder it is to keep trying) And I would not put much into how people at church act. Kinda like social media...everyone shows their best face there no matter how bad. It's fairly rare for truths to be seen there. (And for anyone wishing to discuss that further, let's head over to that topic) One thing that try to give focus, not letting others have control over what I do. If I'm going to do something, it's because I'm going to do it. I don't want to do something because someone else is manipulating or trying to control me. (Different from me soliciting other's opinions of course...which I'm trying to do more often as I get older) And while I can be quite vengeful, certain acts of vengeance are pointless. The target of the vengeance will probably be too clueless, or rationalize it away etc. Sometimes, the best revenge is finding a way to thrive in spite of our critics. Is there something in the trip that you can look forward to? (something besides the end?) mm
  13. Depends upon the people. There are all sorts. It is easy to generalize "all people bad" or "people only talk when they want something". Those things do happen. But not everyone is bad or manipulative. So...minimize negative interactions with people who are manipulative or negative etc. Maximize interactions with positive people. But, we need to look at the flip side of it also...who likes hanging out with depressives? Depressed people are, what's the word? Depressing! So I cannot blame my friends that need a break from me. That means when I am 'up', I should invest in some friendships just in case I get down and need some support from them. If we are not willing to give, why should we expect others to? And if we are not going out of our way to make new friends, do we expect others to magically find us? But, that is part of a catch-22. Otherwise, given the last 2 years, I am fine with seeing fewer and fewer people. Over the last 7 years or so, strangers have gotten meaner in general. Intolerance and selfishness have greatly increased. I know I have run out of empathy for certain types of people (eff them anyway) But I am just a grumpy old man, don't listen to me.
  14. +1 for any PB quote. "Loser" is quite judgemental. Quite "bottom line" assessment. Life if this long process of evolving and adapting. There is no one judgement or bottom line or even single opinion that would cover everything. Unless you are on your deathbed, you have time to reassess and change. Well, I'm not saying that one should change who they are solely because they are looking for validation from others. But we can set goals, work to achieve them, give to friends, ask from friends, make new friends etc. I appreciate the first post being concise (and not a wall of text) But it is quite reductive (is that the right word? I already used judgement... hm) I do not believe life is goaled towards the things you list as positives. 'Looking good' and 'outgoing personality' are very superficial to me (but not to many...) We are all born with different traits...we cannot do much about that. It's "what you do with it" that is important to me (and some others) If you are your authentic self and helpful and friendly, great. If you think you are the center of the universe but not competent or kind to strangers, I'm not very interested in that as a person. Some of the ugliest people are very pretty on the outside. But, don't go by me, just some thoughts. A person is so much more complex than a couple lines posted on a random forum. Live. Improve. Get better at things. Be better as a person. Don't dwell on the past, but do learn from it...(And other glib things that are actually accurate, but hard to implement)
  15. Yard work can be fun. Or, at least, a change of pace from other types of work. (desk jobs especially) I suppose one could honor a parent just by not creating conflict. If your tolerance is limited to email or phone, then not showing up in person is honoring in a way. (To me. But then, I might be twisting things there) "Honor" is a different word than "blindly obey". (Old testy commandments don't leave much room for interpretation. New testy parables are so much better with such less judgement) If I were to imagine myself in your situation (with the limited information)...I'd get a hotel room so as not to be beholding to another person, create my own space and not intrude on someone else's domain. I would also avoid "just hang out". Set an itinerary or something. Make sure that each day has something "together" and something "apart". When I'm in that neck of the (literal) woods, I usually grab a "local waterfalls" map and set out in search of remote isolated falls to hike and photograph. Or, fish or something. If things are going well and I felt like tempting fate, I *might* work up to inviting someone else along. (but still have the ability to retreat to my own space for a part of the day) And maybe you could work in some yardwork somewhere. And I would be prepared for certain questions or situations. "take your meds in front of me!", answer "no, I take them at set times and need to keep to my schedule. I am taking all my meds are prescribed by my doctor". Of course there are likely more situations (don't dwell on this too much!) but having a quick and hard response ready and then moving on ...might get you thru. But, that is me.
  16. Does the threat of consequences make one "good"? Or just keeps one from misbehaving? One can not misbehave but still be a "bad person", no? I'm more of a fan of "if there are no consequences, still doing the right/nice thing". But yea, we get a bit into "actions" vs thoughts and intent. Staying philosophical, empathy. Either you have it or you don't. The Golden Rule plays on empathy in a way. It's an introduction to it. And the GR does not have policing that would act as a deterrent.
  17. Hi Michael, Apply for the 'dream job'. Point out that you are motivated, but keying speed is below their target. It is just that, a target. Sure, some folks call it a "requirement". But it's not always like that. Or, call the school, talk to someone and ask. "I really would like this job, but my speed is a little low. Is it a problem if I apply anyway?" Most folks will encourage you to apply and take it into consideration. (Rarely is there a 'perfect candidate' and when someone does have the skills and experience, they may want more $) Learning opportunity. Just because you were not on the schedule once, check again. Or, ask. "I noticed I am not on the schedule this week...is there a reason?" Maybe an oversight or something that could be addressed. But when you talked to your supervisor, they were cool enough about it. So, learning opportunity for next time...fewer assumptions and double check (can save you some headaches) Otherwise, yes, certain jobs can be boring. Everything can be. But, sometimes, we can make the most boring things fun. Even a 'dream job' will become routine at some point. When you can, feeling strong or whatever, look to find ways to make it fun somehow. Easy? no. But if we don't ever try, we won't make it fun. At the very least, you will be occupied with learning some different people and store layouts etc. for now. m
  18. "What makes a person good?" I would start with the seasoning. But we all know, it comes down to how you cook em. Cannibalistic humor aside... Is anyone really good? Church taught me that all people sin. So all people are bad. (I've outgrown some of that, but not all) And there are many other reasons we could consider everyone "bad". In the end, measure people by what they do, not what they say. Especially when they do not have to be good, but do good anyway. I'm a fan of "I'm not a good person" currently. But, it does not stop there. I'm trying to be "better". This gives me freedom to make mistakes. Being perfect is a lot of pressure (anxiety). And when we inevitably fail, guilt. Both of which can spiral us down further. I think there is a book or something on "good-ish person" that someone told me about. I've not read it, but am exploring some of the obvious concepts. I have more respect for those who have struggled in life than those that have not. Life is going to crap on everyone someday. Those of us who have already had some things...even if we have not handled it well and get lost in our disorders...are better prepared for future crap. On the other hand, we all have our limits. And some people never really had a chance in life. It's not fair. But, when those things are overcome (or at least tolerated or accepted) some can move forward and be themselves and not the product of someone else's abuse. Those are the people I respect and would trust (over some of those people who were "born blessed" and never had any struggles in life. I just don't trust those bastards) But don't listen to me. I am not a good person!
  19. Is there a clinical name for this? I call it (with reference to The Princess Bride) "overdeveloped sense of responsibility" to me. Maybe you relate, or maybe you situation is different. "Sorry, I am not quitting "for you", I am changing jobs for ME". The "how can you do this to me" is a very passive agressive to shift blame. Are they gas-lighters? Maybe your mind is still trying to understand their actions? Maybe they are just delusional and expecting you to do everything for them. Manipulators. Took me a while to recognize such people. I recognized that I will not be able to change them, just make sure that I am comfortable with what I do. So when I set a boundary, I try to think it thru and set the boundary appropriately (and not just react on instinct) Then when someone challenges it (just because it is inconvenient to them...) I am willing to listen to rational thoughts and discussion, but I will not change my decision just because someone else does not like it. (well, good friends who understand the situation and me, I will talk to them and listen to their perspectives ahead of time. Yes, listen to them. But when someone else hears bad news and wants to take it out on the messenger... well, at some point, F them. But, it does take practice. When I was young, I never questioned myself or sought out advice from others. And that worked. Maybe not right away, sometimes, I had to learn from a failure and adapt. But the older I get, the less I want to pay the price of a failure when one of my friends knows better. It's easier to discuss things with trusted friends, listen to what they say and maybe learn from their mistakes. Such confidence from friends can help me "not endlessly question my decisions" afterwards. Does that make sense? mm p.s. I really enjoy seeing all the user names around here. When I see things that look like real names, i do add a caution. Someone, someday, may search the internets. Maybe pm a mod/admin to get a user name change that is less real world. Most of those that I've seen come here really wanted that done at some point...sooner if better than later usually.
  20. I don't mind being alone. Well, sometimes. Other people can be a lot of bother. A lot of negative. A lot of trouble. People kinda suck. But on the other hand, being alone with the thoughts in my head is not good either. And, worse... it is "easy". It's easy to do nothing. It's easy to not deal with others. It's easy to withdraw and isolate. Balance? Limit the alone time. Expect to spend your energy with other people. Invest that time. Prepare ahead of time and have stuff ready to talk about (or a joke). Find out who will help and find out who is self centered (and find out where even the best of people have boundaries to protect themselves...it happens) and react accordingly. I know, being depressed means that we won't be able to think far enough ahead to spend the time/energy when we are feeling well. And we are likely always down. But, if you are up ever, try to remember... While it would be great to have a pool of people just sitting around waiting for us to show up, talk about us and our problems, etc... wouldn't they burn out dealing with those situations? Paradox of reality, those available to sit around and talk are often the least qualified to sit around and talk. Those that have the most to say (that we need to hear) are the least available. Heck, some of the professionally trained earn a living doing it!
  21. I don't understand the real me. And I spend time with me, like, a lot of time! On the more serious side, this topic is hard for use with depression. Friendship is an investment of time and effort. We may not have the energy to spend on most days. And, most of us are introverts, so spending time with others is a major investment of our energy. But, if we do not invest, what do we expect to get in return? And, frankly, depressed people are depressing to be around. i cannot damn my friends when they don't want to hang out with me when I am down. And look around this web site. People come and go. If you hang out here too long, there is something else going on! So, when I am not down (or not as down as usual), I want to remember to invest my time and energy so that I might get some help back when I need it. If I am not willing to give, why should I expect others to give to me? No, not easy. Yes, some folks will not repay. Yes, there are many fake people out there. They will be fair weather friends. We can be fair weather friends also...just different weather (our internal weather vs theirs)
  22. Hello Chris, Yes, many of us see effects of even "just one". There are other foods that can have impact also (grapefruit) But then, many of us wake up in brain fog without any depressing alcohol. As much are prescription meds are "try and see if it works, and then see how much it takes, how long it takes to work or not work..." trial and error, side effects are another thing to see what/how bad it effects you. I know, no one likes hearing that this is trial and error (try and try again really) but if we do not try, what else is there? Maybe you were down, had the beer and woke up because you were down previously? Maybe start journaling mood and activity to look for patterns...?
  23. Hello Denise17, Care for aging parents is hard. I cannot imagine how it would be for parents that did not support you when you needed it. I only have some experience with supportive parents. I would suggest to look at who you are and what strength you have. If you can provide for all/some/none of your parents care because of who you are and where you are in life, do it for you. You have to live with your decisions. Only you know where you are with your personal life and giving care. Some people use money like a club to threaten and hit others. And they may change their mind at the last minute also. If you do visit or give some level of care, remind them that you can leave at any time. They should not be using 'inheritance' as a weapon on you or anyone. If someone starts a conversation about a subject that you do not want to hear, walk to the next room for a while. Address, once, that others were not married to the ex, they do not have the same experience, your opinion is yours and you will not be swayed (but do not let the ex live in your head, etc) and that any further 'debate' on the subject means that you will need more space. Set the boundary, but be ready to enforce it. Some people do not respect others until the boundary has been tested many times and found to be strong. By demonstrating your strength and commitment, they might change a bit. Or, not. I'd be ready with some short simple answers to reply "it's your money, you want to throw it away on ex-son-in-law, not my problem" "It's your money, you may need to hire an in-home nurse to provide this care. I can only do so much and won't stand abuse" "I am trying, I am not perfect. If you want something else, go hire a professional care taker" and such. Short direct answers that you repeat (endlessly) and leave them with a "take it or leave it" decision regarding your involvement... they get to deal with it that choice...they do not get to debate or negotiate their way and run you over. Just some thoughts... m
  24. Confused and upset? Sure. But then, when someone tells me things I want to hear, I get suspicious. There are a lot of scams out there. A lot of scams for education or training too. A lot of jobs that are looking for flood the market with 'qualified people' so that they can justify not trying to retain experienced folks. 'Business' means people are an expense to be minimized, usually. (Sorry, I am jaded) Also, what kind of questions did you ask? If you asked a lot of questions and they lied, yes, I would be very upset. How many people are being hired? What is the usual turn over? How many work from home? What is the usual "worked this for X years before moving on"? Can I talk to someone hired a year ago for a couple minutes? It's easy for someone to promise the moon. Harder to answer detailed questions. But, I hope that this was temporary and incorrect. I hope that you do find a way to get this into a 'work from home' situation.
  25. We cannot help those that chose not to help themselves. Maybe your uncle was part of it..but too late to overthink that. End of life can be heartbreaking for the survivors. And sometimes, we lose our loved ones slowly as they fade away only to lose them later again. And it is even worse knowing that the end times can eat up all the money saved in life. It's not why they saved while they lived. But it does happen. We don't have to like anything about such situations. But, we do have to survive. If you take care of yourself, you can be strong enough for them and family. But not all of us can do everything everytime. There are human limits involved. If we did not feel such things, we would not be human ourselves. Recently, my Father passed from the long fade of dementia. I did what I could when I could. Sure, I should have done more. We call can say that. But what does beating myself up further accomplish? I will do what I can now for those of us that survived.
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