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mmoose

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mmoose last won the day on November 14 2017

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About mmoose

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  • Birthday 02/15/1969

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  1. I won't claim to know everything about depression. But, it does seem to mean different things to different people. I know many that are "successful" by various popular measures, but still 'depressed'. Those are two different things. Good to be reminded about that occasionally for those that have feelings that are not reflective of (some sort of) reality. (and now I am off to spiral on the definition of "reality"...)
  2. Hi CA2020, There is a big difference between "helping someone thru a rough time" and "enabling them". Especially if they are "users" of family and friends. So, what's the plan she has to change things? It seems she is milking everyone now. And then when the baby comes, that is something new to leverage. But, you know more than us. Maybe this is just a bad patch. When it comes time to ask those hard questions that she will avoid, "how" you ask seems to be more important than what is discussed. Maybe start with you having to take care of yourself also. Good luck.
  3. "meant to be". What a painful three words. I don't know if I can find three words or less that are usually filled with more pain. And, so paradoxical. So, you believe in "fate" or "predestination" apparently. If so, then go live your life and "meant to be" will follow you without you working towards it. Or, pick something and work towards it. But then, that's not "meant to be". It is you deciding, working towards something and making it work. Self-determination, not predestination. Owning your actions and not passively waiting for "meant to be" I could go on, for hours, from experience. Not saying that I have the answers. Just... experience. PM me if you want more details.
  4. We send our condolences. Sorry for your loss. It sounds like your sister knew you. Not just the personality you projected, but the honest you. You only opened up to her. Now, the rest of the family, who does not know you, is very concerned about you. It could be worse. They could be ignoring you in your pain. (yes, sometimes we ask for that, thinking it is better) With a login name like "tiredoflife1", maybe they know you enough to have valid concern for you and what you might do. Everyone breaks. Sometimes, we just have not broken yet. "Breaking" is not the worse thing either. Breaking and not being able to recover is worse. And the more you resist and deny the stress, the harder the break and the harder the recovery. (sure, some generalizations in there) Maybe instead of worrying about breaking, we reach out for help earlier rather than later. "It's ok to not be ok" and admit it. If your surviving family is bad support, ask them what other support might be available to you. It is ok to say "yes, I think I could use some help. But, not your help" while seeking all options for help. Even if they do not like hearing it, it might sink in. Of course, be careful on how you phrase that... I do not understand everything either. For those that have "faith", good for them. Whatever gets them thru. (and forgive me when I doubt the honesty of anyone who reverts to faith like this. Do they really believe it? But while I question them, it's not my place to judge them) I also look for any items that will help get me thru. And if I cannot find something honestly getting me thru, sometimes lying to myself is better than the alternatives. I agree that we should appreciate when we can. For tomorrow, life changes. I think that also goes to remembering the good times. Especially right now. Would your sister want you to spiral down? Or, celebrate the time you did have together and find a way to continue? This is a shit situation. Grief is not always "bad". Getting stuck there is bad. Let us know how you are as you go thru this process.
  5. Better yet, why do good things happen to bad people? (not that there are any good people in the strict biblical sense...) In a different thread (in this subforum), I asked "when god granted free will, did god lose omnipotence?" I repeat here again as it applies. If god granted free will, then at what point would divine intervention be warranted? Wouldn't that be against free will? One person's free will to abuse others vs. the victim's free will... In the end, I think us pondering such things is worthy. But, we cannot answer. I was given a curious brain that asks "why?" a lot, but I was not given all knowledge and wisdom to answer those questions. So I ponder. I have to focus to not get caught up when I cannot answer. That's not my place. (although, sometimes I have some good ideas on things, there is always something else that has not been considered. Always more to think about. etc) I think it is more important to keep "doing". Even more so to keep doing instead of getting stuck in thinking about it. Paralysis by analysis. What we do with what we have is seems more important than what we are given. (If you had a couple hours to spare, I would go over my interpretation of the LotR and the allegory of the author's faith. But that is a big theory. Kinda fits here)
  6. Hi AndrewH, First, there is a sub-forum for relationship stuff. Next, quit punishing yourself. There are enough other people in this world that will do that for you. In this case, your gf might be the one to do it. Either way, own your actions, etc. When the gf wants to talk, listen to her. The more honest you answer any questions, the better. Mistakes are made in life. What we learn from them is more important than keeping score. What will you learn out of this? If this relationship does not work out, that is more "normal" than not. "Love" means different things to different people. Some say it as a way of liking someone else. Others may mean it as a statement of commitment (exclusivity) If you have not 'defined what love means' with your gf, that is a good topic to discuss sometime. Just talking to someone else, with a little flirt, may not be harmful..depends upon many factors. Don't judge too much now. Listen to the gf. I will sound old here (and I am) 17 vs 25 yo. That is a large gap in life experience. Age is just a number...sometimes. Sure, I have met some very mature and experienced 17 yos. And I have seen a fair number of 25yos that were spoiled children still. But, the generalization still holds even with those exceptions. Those 8 years are very VERY big years containing a lot of change and growth. (I am tempted, but will not quote your many statements that scream 17yo to me.) So, maybe be careful about giving other people advise around this area. It is tricky. If it is "true love", then yes, time will tell. Let time do it's thing (and the more time, the better. Just waiting around for an 18th birthday is the second worse thing to do) One of the biggest differences between 17 and 25 is the definition of fun. "I was just having fun" Also, there should be a different stress on "I" when the same person says that at those two different ages. Good luck. In terms of rough patches, there are much worse. At 17, you are likely to encounter some of them in the future.
  7. In some ways, I am shy. In other ways, no. My nature is to listen and try to understand the situation before I start talking. That is often mistaken for shyness. Or, maybe it actually is "shy". (Fine, make me look up the definition and overthink it a bit...) Reserved...yes. Timid, maybe, in some situations where I have not learned enough to know that, whatever I say or do is the right thing. When I was in the early twenties, I picked up a weekend job. It was against my quiet nature. But, the things I learned there helped me in unexpected ways. It turned out to be a great help talking to people I did not know. Also, when I had to operate without knowing others in depth. I still do not just walk up to people and start talking. But is that "shy"? I think 'reserved' covers that well. Also, I learn by listening and not talking. The sooner I learn, the sooner I initiate stuff. Also, one thing I look for is other people's style. Do they interrupt others? Do they just launch into conversations even when they have no idea what they are talking about? Are their conversations self centered? Actions are more important than words... gotta listen to each. Being able to figure out who you can trust is important. I need to do this before saying too much. I agree about overcompensation for this. In a way, good, but maybe not in other situations. I think I have my 'preferred operating mode', but I had to build up a 'deal with it anyway' mode. Nowadays, I am trying to be aware of paradoxes in my behavior. This is one of them. But I have learned to be comfortable with this apparent paradox. As you said, if you want to be more helpful (to others), you have to communicate and get in the mix with them. That can be hard. Any examples of your overcompensating? How are you thinking of helping people?
  8. mmoose

    Platypus and Echidna

    "I'm not sure, maybe I'm better at seeing the whole of something with two-thirds of something." Maybe one can only see the whole of things with two-thirds of something. Or, maybe seeing the whole of something causes the realization of two-thirds or something. Maybe the whole we see is only one-quarter and we are more blind than we thought. Ambivalence bothered me while I was trying to understand it. Now, I revel in the paradoxes of life. Not that understanding (or lack) changes the paradox or situation. Just trying to celebrate that I can recognize the paradoxes. Is there really a "correct" side of the road? Is the human brain engineered to veer left? What if one is left handed (and therefore, according to some, reverse brained), do we still veer left? Or maybe I am more ambidextrous, so should I veer left and right at the same time? If 'veering' running away? What if we were to embrace our conflicts instead of running away? If we were back in the caves 9000 years or so, wouldn't it make more sense to hug during conflict instead of turn our backs? It's only the speeds of modern technology that makes veering away a more desirable outcome than coming together. Maybe I am showing my feminine side there. If so, I am comfortable with it. Comfortable enough to proudly hold a purse or handbag for someone else. Or, maybe I am just getting old. (Old would be the more obvious reason) (Was sick last week, simple head cold stopped me for way too long) Change hard? No, not all change. Seriously. It's the "getting old" that is causing me to grow away from "15 year old me that knows I can figure everything out myself" to grow into "50 year old me that can still figure it out, but sometimes it is easier to talk to someone who has already solved that problem and learn from their mistakes" The most important changes we often need are the ones we don't know we need. And only (trusted) others can help us there. On the other hand, working from home means I am in my own office now (ok, old bedroom after the kids have empty nested us) and can listen to music all day. I started working on a project with one of the kids (refurbishing a 1940's console radio) and made new speakers for that...but listened to them for a week. Now, I cannot go back to my old speakers. I recognized the differences and can only move forward. Change can be quite a b!tch sometimes. mm
  9. mmoose

    Platypus and Echidna

    My tiny man brain learned something new. Echidna, alright. Learn me one more thing. Since Winter is Coming (well, not that winter...) does the Lada have a heater? Does it have "air conditioning"? I mean beyond the "any car that can roll down the windows has air conditioning" Interesting choice. Certainly a style choice. And I love that it has, of course, a MANUAL transmission. When one does not appreciate such things, this is a wonderful symbol of ambivalence. Seriously, hope you are staying well. Who needs to get back to normal? The abnormal we love is always there for us.
  10. "Things" get better. Sure. Sometimes. Sometimes Cancer just goes away. Sometimes, tomorrow is magical. Sometimes, addictions are just 'overcome'. Things may not get better either. Past traumas are still in the past even if we are moving on. Alzheimer's does not just go away. I just do not want to underestimate the active state of us trying to make things better, make ourselves better. Maybe not the panacea of 'happy', but maybe less miserable (or at least less miserable to those around us) I want everyone here to think of active ways to get better. Sure, not easy. If we had an idea of where to start, we'd have started already. But "things get better" is so frickin' passive to me. Blind hope that is empty hope. (sorry for the rant. And yes, sometimes even empty hope is better than nothing. Maybe 'depression' is us not being blind anymore? How's that for some philosophy after a little rant?)
  11. Yes. Very much so. Like a habit. A very bad habit. Worse, we can wallow in it. "I am depressed" is a simple statement and an "out" to many situations. I'm not minimizing depression here. But yes, it can become a mindset...or our "de facto mode" It gets even harder to break out of. And if we isolate, then fewer friends willing to hang around and try to invest their energy into us to help pull us up. Vicious cycle ensues. For some, (me) we may feel the feelings of depression stronger than other feelings. If I did not feel depressed, I would not feel anything (for long periods. But realizing this has helped me manage it)
  12. Ah, the-soon-to-be-college-grad days. That last year can be rough and make one question (or over think) life choices with the transition impending. Not uncommon for someone to start posting around here. You have made some mistakes? So... you're human? Everyone makes mistakes. You can either try better next time, try to make up for it or torture yourself and never move on. Of course, there are various magnitudes of mistakes. Fading friendships? How much time (and positive energy) have you invested in others recently? But positive words? Sure to graduate is good. If classes are hard now, it's only for a little while longer. Sure, it's easy for me to say "last push thru to graduation" as I'm not in those classes. But I did have a couple of classes back in my day. Sometimes you rock it and have fun. Sometimes you suffer thru. One thing about depression, it teaches one to suffer. I have more tolerance for suffering than most of the people I know. Being able to suffer thru is an underrated skill. Also positive: you a) recognize that you could use some help and b) are reaching out. It can be hard to find the right support, especially the first hundred times we try. It can be easy to give up (or want to give up) In 30 years when you are seeing your kids off in life after a succesful career (how ever you would like to measure that) and you look back, what would your future self tell you about now? About suffering thru but still accomplishing? What might you learn now that can be a useful tool for many years to come? We don't know the future. But we do have control for many things. And if none of this makes sense, be glad that you don't have to listen to strangers across the internets!
  13. How to deal with Aholes? Very dependent upon the situation of course. My general comments could be applied anywhere. Someone acts like an ahole once, maybe just a bad day for them. Bigger pattern of behavior is the concern really. What am I to judge? Maybe their kid is going thru cancer or something. But, it's not my place to correct their behavior. (not unless they are my children) so it's a matter of boundaries and tolerance. While working on boundaries and tolerance, I fallback to "what would I do if the person was interacting with me in a constructive manner". This is trying to take the 'personality' out of it. Heck, maybe I'm having the bad day and I'm too sensitive to somethings. But yea, "not personal" can help. And, I've found a mantra "I'm going to do what I'm going to do". If someone goes aholish (that's a word, look it up!) when asking me to do something, I try to "would I do this if they asked nicely?" And conversely, when folks are very suckupish (yes, that's a word too) I am paranoid by what they think they are trying to by with flattery or such. When they get around to the punchline, I try to use the same "what would I do without their trying to play me/my ego" etc. If I stay true to myself and reasonable boundaries or 'rules of engagement', I can live with that. If this is bigger than me (someone accusing me to a boss etc) then I communicate and document. Not always going to work. But if my boss does not listen, do I want that job anyway? Sure, this takes some strength. And, "knowing yourself". And, when we are depressed or otherwise down, it can be a challenge to hold, not just give in to get along etc. But we do have to pick our battles in life.. Those are some thoughts. I'm not saying that I'm great at it. (I do have to deal with certain things with work where I see a lot of others trying to manipulate me. But, that has clear boundaries and I use them. Works most of the time, not perfect of course) We can always learn more and try harder. mm
  14. mmoose

    being taken for granted

    I cannot say I have a "savior complex". But, I do understand that I have certain compulsions to helping certain types of people. And then there is an "over developed sense of responsibility" in there also. Sure, some friends or other people around me have figured some of that out and have abused it over the years. But not as many as could have. I also have learned to say "no" or "sorry, busy/can't" also. The older I get, the more I understand me. I will "be me" and comfortable with it. If someone needs some help and I can help, I try. But, I have limits to saving others. I've become comfortable with that. (Trying to not be judgy along the way) But, it takes some life experience to learn this and then security to stick with it...right? I guess "knowing what someone wants" and "offering it to them without them asking" are two different things. Playing dumb is an @$$hole move. But, sometimes, I am just the @$$hole for that job. Does not mean I won't do something...just that I will make someone say the words. Heck Tyler Durden even did it! (Hey, no mocking my role models!) Some folks rely on our offers. But some folks will "do as they are told". (That sounds worse than it is...) Like, "ok, I will meet you at your place for the meeting" and then make them say something else. Or "I understand you don't want exposure to other people and that you would not enjoy a holiday with my g-kids. So maybe I'll see you on boxing day" (no, I'm not British, just think that everyone should be using that title for the 26th. Start the trend!) Be the change you want to see. Happy Hols, stay safe.
  15. Shout out to Arboria who is no longer on the forum. "A Little Hate", continuing the series. Author is a psychologist and has some interesting human insights. Miss ya Arbs!
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