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mmoose last won the day on November 14 2017

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About mmoose

  • Birthday 02/15/1969

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  1. mmoose


    What I think is not important. And my understanding is very not relevant. But, I do like to ask questions. I think it is more important that you work with those that know you better, and a professional (as you do) to get to the answers. Well, maybe not the answers, but attempting to understand the questions better and work toward answers. To try to get better. And the "to give the best of me, I have to suffer" still seems like a big thing to me. From what I have seen over the years, you are very passionate. You are very committed to the things you decide to do. F the world when it does not understand. As long as you understand, that is enough. And you are very compassionate to those around you (until they cross the line. Broken boundaries change things. Of course they do) But, I do not interpret any of those things to "must include suffering" I am sure that my ability to relate to similar situations is coloring my perception or understanding. But, for full understanding, we would need those million words. And at a time where there was nothing else to do but talk. Sometimes, just doing is better than always analysing, talking and never arriving at any conclusion, no? Also, you made a very strong statement in there about control. And there is a statement in there about identity that would be interesting to discuss also. Going back to your earlier words, I came up with a slightly different question (that I also can relate to..maybe I project too much of myself into my interpretation of your words..) Does your sense of self greatly rely on what you give to others? So much so that you must "give until it hurts" otherwise you do not feel yourself worthy? Or something like that...I get a bit of that in between the written words. But i could be very off there. Either way, you identified some risky behavior swimming with the sharks (which is only new to you in the literal sense) and understood a change should be made there. Did you change your behavior or thinking process? If so, then no harm, no foul, live learn and do better next time (and any other metaphore I can jam in there) If not, then who can help with that? (still want to read your autobiography. Just hope now that it is a million words, or more)
  2. mmoose


    So... I have been thinking about this. "to give the best of me, I have to suffer" (and yes, difference between punishment and suffering etc...) I think that this is one of those very big things. I am probably 10 steps behind you on this. I need to think more about it. I mean, I can relate in some ways. But in other ways, no, No, NO, NO! Absolutely not. And when I am pulled in two different directions so much, that is usually something important. I think I would need some good friends and those who know me best (and some liquids to remove my filters and masks). To be your best "wife to your husband", do you have to suffer? alot? To be the best "mother to your children" do you have to suffer? I feel that, sometimes, we just have to show up and tolerate things. We don't have to be our best. Just be there. But athletic things, yes, proper suffering (training) means accomplishing greater things. But that might not even be "my best". After all, it is just for me. No one else really cares about that. So, thanks for a new ambivalence topic. I have been considering this for a while now and feel strongly both ways. And understand that it is very complicated and needs to be broken down further for me. But, you know you. Maybe you know, understand and accept this in yourself already. Or, maybe the problem is that you accept this in the first place. Hm.
  3. mmoose


    I need to be more angry. But, only in the right ways. I also need to be more selfish. But only in the right ways. I need to change my self harm, towards a more constructive way. Seems like you still want to be punished. (less about suffering I think now..more about you thinking that you deserve some punishment of some sort) I do think that, if you were to write a straight forward fact filled post, I would be very scared for you. Likely not a good sign. How long do your phases of "I don't deserve this" or "I deserve to be punished" usually last? Some of us have patterns...but others not so much.
  4. mmoose


    That was a trip. And of course you end in a different place from where you started. Start and End are different by definition. Now, what did you leave out? "What's missing here" is likely the interesting bits
  5. mmoose

    Black and Blue

    Hey! Yes, but sarcasm does not translate well over the web. Especially on a site like this. Sometimes life gets in the way. And sometimes, that is a great thing. Derby Day (I assume horse racing) sounds fun. No worries on that. "Social media" (commercialized media) can suck it. You are a fan of "natural selection selfies"? Nice. Dark. But nice. And no, I should not be encouraging that... I do look forward to your posts. I have not had much to say. Really. And the missing post in the blog...best left in the void. I will try to think of more and write some, but a) I'm naturally quiet and 'Murica kinda needs more of that now...at least from certain parties and b) I get my 'mental health conversation' in person. Although, not as much nowadays. I so enjoy the coy. What is left unsaid allows for interpretation. That is artistic ability that I just do not have. But, I can appreciate. And, there are lots of things that are best not said. I did hear a song that reminded me of you. (might not be accurate, but some should be relevant..and trigger warning) Cherlene's Straight to Hell. It's on the youtube...but better if you don't know the title and just listen. Anyway, I remember you mentioning Sense8 (which was good, but trailed off a bit..) and maybe some other things (Lana Del Ray? Did you mention that sometime?) But we seem to overlap a lot with certain tastes. So, while I was enjoying this "novelty album", which is way too well done for a novelty album, I was reminded. (there are worse ways to be thought of) And I enjoy all the songs in their "intent" (have to watch the show. If you do make it thru most of the seasons, then in jokes like me putting up a post it note on my desk plaque with my name "newer, better" mmoose. Let's see what tonight brings. I'll try to write some bloggy soon. Take care. I do hope that you are enjoying your life to the fullest and so busy with it, that you do not need to come here. Not often at least. And if you feel the need for a pointless debate, I'm here. Pointless ones are the only ones worth debating nowadays anyway...the usual stuff is too depressing. I do assume you get enough of it at the office though. mm
  6. Trapped in a hell of our own making. Isn't that the paradox? I have been thinking of paradoxes these last couple years. And while I enjoy a good paradox, I am getting tired of them when they apply to me....
  7. Hi Maxx, Yup, that is a lot going on. One thing about 'overdeveloped sense of responsability', entitled folks will recognize that an exploit it to their advantage. It is hard for me to maintain who I am and not let other people change that. Actively defending against being the doormat, but still doing what I need/want/should do. I will not claim that I balance that well all the time. Burn out is a possibility. And burn out and depression have some things in common; hard to tell the differences sometimes. But a parent's health failing is just a sad thing regardless of anything else going on. The past is in the past. Learn from it, and move on wiser for it. If we stop to wallow, we will never move forward. Wise man once said 'we learn more from failures. I learned a lot in my youth that enabled me to be successful later in life'. And yes, I think we do learn more 'failing'. And, that removes the negative connotations from "fail". So, try and fail a lot. It's not bad. Survive. Learn. Try again. (but yes, some of us have a hard time always trying. But can anyone really succeed all the time? I don't think so. That sounds more exhausting anyway) Relationships are tricky. I was friend zoned a lot (way back in the day) and I eventually I was confident enough to meet and take the chance right away for date. If no, that's fine. Still a chance to be friends. But if friends does not work out, I already had good friends etc. If date happens, then figure out if you can become friends while continuing. Maybe that does not make sense or won't work nowadays. So, don't listen to me. It sounds like you have some goal. That is good. I still don't know what I "want from life". (world peace, people to have more critical thinking skills, the immediate disappearance of all "social media"...not really things I can do) I can set goals, but they are either too big (above) or 'too small' and when I achieve, time to set the next thing to chase? That just does not seem right. Or, 'it's just an endless chase' of the next thing. How strong of a self identity do you think you have? If challenged by a good friend on something in you identity, would you immediately change? Never change?
  8. First, work with your professionals. Second, be careful of strangers on the interwebz. (of course!) I, personally, felt that I used meds to buy me some time to figure out some things. We all need some help sometimes. And if a med can carry us for a while, great. But when I added some tools to my mental processing and thought I could try to handle without meds, I stopped meds. Life is not perfect (meds or not, nothing will make life perfect) but I am handling everything 'better' (ok, some days better, some days not...) I do not know if "overly emotional" is a good thing or a bad thing. Guess it would depend upon the emotion. (I think I repress the good emotions more, but that is different issue) But, bouncing back and forth between extremes seems to take it's toll. "I want to be happy would I should be and sad when I should be." Yes. Well, within reason. Neither is 'permanent' and therefore I should not get stuck (in one or the other). Getting stuck (down) would seem to be the issue for most around here. Just guessing. If a med helps even it out, great. Or helps us from bouncing between the extremes, good. But side effects and the other things that come along with it...only you and your docs can assess changes and trying something different.
  9. mmoose

    Black and Blue

    Coy? You? no! And I am not sarcastic sometimes... No one reads? hm. Not many read. That might be part of the draw. I will not take personal offense at being a no-one. I could... There is a lot there. (I have missed you. And no, I have not been writing much around here...I did add a blog entry a while ago, but I must have violated some Ts&Cs as it was gone the next day. An impartial observer would comment that I was in no state to actually click the right buttons to save/publish. Screw them) Sounds like you needed a good purge. You used to purge a certain way. But, resisted falling back into bad habits of old. Hey, they are all coping skills. Some are just better than others. Emotional purges are a thing. (to me. Not sure about anyone else) If one is sensitive to others' emotions, one can only carry so much on their shoulders before collapsing. Purge. Repeat. Maybe not the most healthy, but it's something. And someday, something is better than nothing. (I purge. Usually with liquid assistance. Not healthy and I would not recommend) I have heard of "emotional vampires". But is "empathy vampire" a thing? (referring to myself here) I may wear too many masks. I certainly have too many filters on my words and thoughts. Seeing someone else be able to say such things... should be inspiring. But maybe it is more envy that they can say and I cannot. Certainly an idea to go swimming with for a while. If anyone can translate that into a clear thought, it's you. If I cannot feel for me, should I be feeling for others? Doesn't that make me a hypocrite? Even if the purpose is noble "be the ear for someone who wants to talk", it has been corrupted. Dichotomy of your job. Help people in a certain way. A significant way. A life altering way. How could that not be an emotional impact to you. But, to be professional, we should keep such obvious emotion locked away. Or so I imagine because I certainly would. But repressing is just another filter. Another mask. And there are times we must be authentic self. But when/where/how. And most importantly... with who. (whom?) You referenced several times things that you filtered out...or did not, publicly appropriate or not. It is interesting. The vacillation. Itself is a form of self torture. Do I deserve a little treat? I definitely do not deserve the life I was given. Etc. If things go too well, a little self torture can balance that evil equation in our minds. But, how to be constructive in doing so without it turning into destruction? It does sound like you found...something. And emotions were let out. Emotions were felt. Repression of feeling was itself repressed for a while. So, how do we balance professional activity vs emotional needs in an appropriately so that we do not torture ourselves? (asking for a friend) If you have not remembered, you are not alone. (anyway back to work. Pretending to care so I can work on someone else's problem. Or, am I pretending to pretend to care as a defense mechanism? Caring has gotten me far. But it also brings vulnerability. And that means that the pain will be coming close behind. No good deed goes unpunished. Only 99% true. But I will re-read your words again. So. Much. There) mm
  10. "Like my emotions on meds are fake." I am not currently on any med. I was on a couple year past and it seemed more "numb" than anything else. (Which is better than it was) So, 'no' I cannot say it felt like fake emotions. "Even when I don't feel bad, even when I feel kinda good, something is off. " Well, I would say something like 'if I felt good, yea, something is off' Not as a joke, but kinda. It is peculiar in the right way. I have some friends that have been battling depression for decades. And sometimes, they go thru a "good period". They do not know what to do with that. After decades, something becomes part of our personality. It's hard to change. It is easy to revert to negative behaviour etc... Maybe your emotions on meds are not "fake", but just very unfamiliar? When the positive is so foreign to us we don't recognize it...is that good or bad? Bad that it is foreign. But good that we are feeling something positive...? I don't know. Just offering some different thoughts to consider. Hey, if there is something good, grab it and hold on. It's better than the downward spiral. And if it can help you positive spiral upwards, does it matter how it starts?! I say NO to that. Take what you can get and frickin enjoy while you can.
  11. Hi Maxx, Sorry, but those of us here might have our own issues going on of course. Your last thoughts sounded familiar to me. "only time i find peace is when I am alone.....i guess that makes me a weirdo" No. Especially around here... What do you do, with other people, that is positive and fun? (I know, asking what someone does for "fun" on a depression website is a dead-end...) I hate people. Well, not 'people', just the bad toxic people who take no responsibility for themselves and will put all their time, energy and effort into making me to their job for them. You know, those that deserve to be hated... (slight warning there, I might be jaded a small bit) But, I try to realize that I am generalizing "some people" into "all people". There are good people out there. I need to remember the positive interactions I have with such people. Also, I need to seek out more positive interactions with positive people. Get out of my bubble. Not get stuck where I get stuck. My perception just needs some adjustment. So, can you think of positive interactions with people? Can you invest some time and energy into expanding that? If you did, would you be able to find some peace co-existing with other people? When our mental health is "bad", we tend to generalize. All people are bad. Everything is horrible. And we forget that it is not 100% that way. Finding even 1% and working that can help our perspective and mental health. Just a thought. And, the paradox...if you don't care about what other people think, should you be looking to management? (I assume you would be managing other people.) And the double paradox, it hurts to care. Caring for others exposes us to be hurt by others. Some of us 'care too much'. That can add to our business strengths. But we need boundaries there also so that we do not eat all the pain from other people. I have "too much empathy", which helps me be successful, but makes me much more stressed than co-workers etc.... 'Overdeveloped sense of responsibility' works the same way. It took my mind quite a while to figure out it was fighting itself and this paradox. I do not have answers yet. But I try to torture myself less in these situations. (and failing of course, so don't listen to a thing I say...) m
  12. Hi Islands, It is "ok" to be yourself. It is "ok" if you are not perfect. It is not "ok" to only look at yourself relative to others. When you measure yourself against your sister, only compare height. Cannot control that. For everything else, it does not matter. There are two different people with two different lives. Live yours. Be absolute about yourself, not relative vs others. Sure, you are not perfect (no one is) You know your weaknesses etc. There is a problem with "always trying to get better" as you can never achieve that. Be you. Have some fun. After a month of not worrying about comparing yoruself against anyone else, then maybe think about "what's wrong and how can I be better" Maybe. Or, not. The world is a big enough place, and life is complicated enough. We don't need to make it harder by trying to be as good as the other (seemingly, but really not) perfect people.
  13. Hi Cent. Now sure what to do in the new house? Each new neighbor is a potential new friend. Time for some meet and greet. Continuing education? If you figured out that the bad grades were related to low mental health, that is a good start on managing the situation if you return. (I'm not saying "easy", just a start for a management plan) Trade school? If I were starting over, electrician (working with my hands and seeing stuff done at the end of the day) would be my choice. (When I was at that age, I was healthily scared of electricity!) Just a thought
  14. I won't claim to know everything about depression. But, it does seem to mean different things to different people. I know many that are "successful" by various popular measures, but still 'depressed'. Those are two different things. Good to be reminded about that occasionally for those that have feelings that are not reflective of (some sort of) reality. (and now I am off to spiral on the definition of "reality"...)
  15. Hi CA2020, There is a big difference between "helping someone thru a rough time" and "enabling them". Especially if they are "users" of family and friends. So, what's the plan she has to change things? It seems she is milking everyone now. And then when the baby comes, that is something new to leverage. But, you know more than us. Maybe this is just a bad patch. When it comes time to ask those hard questions that she will avoid, "how" you ask seems to be more important than what is discussed. Maybe start with you having to take care of yourself also. Good luck.
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