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mmoose

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mmoose last won the day on November 14 2017

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About mmoose

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  • Birthday 02/15/1969

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  1. "Things" get better. Sure. Sometimes. Sometimes Cancer just goes away. Sometimes, tomorrow is magical. Sometimes, addictions are just 'overcome'. Things may not get better either. Past traumas are still in the past even if we are moving on. Alzheimer's does not just go away. I just do not want to underestimate the active state of us trying to make things better, make ourselves better. Maybe not the panacea of 'happy', but maybe less miserable (or at least less miserable to those around us) I want everyone here to think of active ways to get better. Sure, not easy. If we had an idea of where to start, we'd have started already. But "things get better" is so frickin' passive to me. Blind hope that is empty hope. (sorry for the rant. And yes, sometimes even empty hope is better than nothing. Maybe 'depression' is us not being blind anymore? How's that for some philosophy after a little rant?)
  2. Yes. Very much so. Like a habit. A very bad habit. Worse, we can wallow in it. "I am depressed" is a simple statement and an "out" to many situations. I'm not minimizing depression here. But yes, it can become a mindset...or our "de facto mode" It gets even harder to break out of. And if we isolate, then fewer friends willing to hang around and try to invest their energy into us to help pull us up. Vicious cycle ensues. For some, (me) we may feel the feelings of depression stronger than other feelings. If I did not feel depressed, I would not feel anything (for long periods. But realizing this has helped me manage it)
  3. Ah, the-soon-to-be-college-grad days. That last year can be rough and make one question (or over think) life choices with the transition impending. Not uncommon for someone to start posting around here. You have made some mistakes? So... you're human? Everyone makes mistakes. You can either try better next time, try to make up for it or torture yourself and never move on. Of course, there are various magnitudes of mistakes. Fading friendships? How much time (and positive energy) have you invested in others recently? But positive words? Sure to graduate is good. If classes are hard now, it's only for a little while longer. Sure, it's easy for me to say "last push thru to graduation" as I'm not in those classes. But I did have a couple of classes back in my day. Sometimes you rock it and have fun. Sometimes you suffer thru. One thing about depression, it teaches one to suffer. I have more tolerance for suffering than most of the people I know. Being able to suffer thru is an underrated skill. Also positive: you a) recognize that you could use some help and b) are reaching out. It can be hard to find the right support, especially the first hundred times we try. It can be easy to give up (or want to give up) In 30 years when you are seeing your kids off in life after a succesful career (how ever you would like to measure that) and you look back, what would your future self tell you about now? About suffering thru but still accomplishing? What might you learn now that can be a useful tool for many years to come? We don't know the future. But we do have control for many things. And if none of this makes sense, be glad that you don't have to listen to strangers across the internets!
  4. How to deal with Aholes? Very dependent upon the situation of course. My general comments could be applied anywhere. Someone acts like an ahole once, maybe just a bad day for them. Bigger pattern of behavior is the concern really. What am I to judge? Maybe their kid is going thru cancer or something. But, it's not my place to correct their behavior. (not unless they are my children) so it's a matter of boundaries and tolerance. While working on boundaries and tolerance, I fallback to "what would I do if the person was interacting with me in a constructive manner". This is trying to take the 'personality' out of it. Heck, maybe I'm having the bad day and I'm too sensitive to somethings. But yea, "not personal" can help. And, I've found a mantra "I'm going to do what I'm going to do". If someone goes aholish (that's a word, look it up!) when asking me to do something, I try to "would I do this if they asked nicely?" And conversely, when folks are very suckupish (yes, that's a word too) I am paranoid by what they think they are trying to by with flattery or such. When they get around to the punchline, I try to use the same "what would I do without their trying to play me/my ego" etc. If I stay true to myself and reasonable boundaries or 'rules of engagement', I can live with that. If this is bigger than me (someone accusing me to a boss etc) then I communicate and document. Not always going to work. But if my boss does not listen, do I want that job anyway? Sure, this takes some strength. And, "knowing yourself". And, when we are depressed or otherwise down, it can be a challenge to hold, not just give in to get along etc. But we do have to pick our battles in life.. Those are some thoughts. I'm not saying that I'm great at it. (I do have to deal with certain things with work where I see a lot of others trying to manipulate me. But, that has clear boundaries and I use them. Works most of the time, not perfect of course) We can always learn more and try harder. mm
  5. mmoose

    being taken for granted

    I cannot say I have a "savior complex". But, I do understand that I have certain compulsions to helping certain types of people. And then there is an "over developed sense of responsibility" in there also. Sure, some friends or other people around me have figured some of that out and have abused it over the years. But not as many as could have. I also have learned to say "no" or "sorry, busy/can't" also. The older I get, the more I understand me. I will "be me" and comfortable with it. If someone needs some help and I can help, I try. But, I have limits to saving others. I've become comfortable with that. (Trying to not be judgy along the way) But, it takes some life experience to learn this and then security to stick with it...right? I guess "knowing what someone wants" and "offering it to them without them asking" are two different things. Playing dumb is an @$$hole move. But, sometimes, I am just the @$$hole for that job. Does not mean I won't do something...just that I will make someone say the words. Heck Tyler Durden even did it! (Hey, no mocking my role models!) Some folks rely on our offers. But some folks will "do as they are told". (That sounds worse than it is...) Like, "ok, I will meet you at your place for the meeting" and then make them say something else. Or "I understand you don't want exposure to other people and that you would not enjoy a holiday with my g-kids. So maybe I'll see you on boxing day" (no, I'm not British, just think that everyone should be using that title for the 26th. Start the trend!) Be the change you want to see. Happy Hols, stay safe.
  6. Shout out to Arboria who is no longer on the forum. "A Little Hate", continuing the series. Author is a psychologist and has some interesting human insights. Miss ya Arbs!
  7. mmoose

    the dreaded holidays

    F the "holidays". There. I said it. I'm with you. On the other hand, this year and it's sh!tshow gives everyone a reason for toned down holidays. I'm diggin on that. I'd to this all the time. It's just that, this year, everyone else is agreeing with me. I was not prepared for that. But most of them know that once I get my way this year, I will want the same next year! Ahahahah! The scary part is, others are becoming as old and grumpy as I about things. They are starting to see my wisdom. I was just 2 decades ahead of everyone else. Now, being the contrarian I am, I kinda looked for ways to jump into the holidays. I put put the xmas tree early just to make everyone mad. "you cannot put up the xmas tree BEFORE thanksgiving, that's heresy!" But, I did. And it backfired. They kept it up (just did not decorate it right away) Oh well.
  8. The Lindsay!? nice! About a decade or so ago when the blogs were newish, we used them well. General forum is too random for me. It turns into other people's stories and wanders quickly. Blogs can be about me...and then I go to my friends' blogs and comment about them. It was really effective for a small group of 10 or so we got going. And then, most of them got better and moved on. (As is the case. That's called a success story around here) But yes, that could be "cliquish" But, try it. For every blog entry you create, comment on the other current ones and encourage others to comment on yours. If you do get a small group playing along, you get to know each other and it can be a really rewarding experience. What I don't like about blogs....public internet searchable. Sure, you can make it private and invite others. But then who to invite? That is where I am currently and why I'm not blogging much (and most of my friends have moved on, so they don't check in) And, I'm hosting the local weekly meeting of a national mental health org 'peer support group'. So I'm not around as much here. And, life is not so bad right now. The old saying "be the change you want to see" applies here. Write blog entries and comment on others and things can change. (resolving to engage more here...)
  9. Depression is as unique as every individual. Generalizations are general. Personally, I do not feel the need to ever eat in a restaurant again. Take out is good enough (and cheaper) Movie theaters where there are less than 10 other people I don't know....that's about 5 more than I like. And if I time it right, I can do that now. Sure, for extroverts, lock downs drive them crazy after a while. They should learn from this though. Adapt to other forms of communications. (I am seeing a lot of folks that are used to pushing their will via face-to-face or direct conversation trying to bully the same way in other areas, and failing. But, that's a good thing overall. Frustrating for them, but it was not right when they could do it) When this started, a friend at my local group support said "those that have a mental illness are better prepared for this" And it's true for the most part. We build coping skills. We know we have to manage life like this. It's "the normals" that might be doing this for the first time that have a harder time adjusting. Now, sure, after 9 months, some things are getting a little old. And with winter almost here (norther hemisphere), I will be more challenged to manage my mental health more than the summer months. There is "situational depression" like you puppy died or such. Being sad for a while is normal. Then there is mental illness of depression. A person previously not diagnosed with a mental illness might adapt to this pandemic ok. Or, not. Or, their mental illness might just be more obvious. Hey, maybe enough other people start having enough problems where the governments of the world finally understand and commit to proper mental illness laws/support/funding etc and everything gets better for everyone!
  10. Like everything else, a group is only as good as the people there working to make it good. I started with a local group a couple years ago. I had tried one maybe 15 years ago and they were working some program that did not appeal. (Well, in some ways it was very interesting) But the current group was going pretty good. And then the lockdown and it took a couple weeks before we could be online. That break in weekly meetings caused too much confusion. We are currently meeting in the building's parking lot and that is ok...a little loud when bubba drives by with a loud car... The online thing had some positives for some. But it also has negatives for many. If you feel free to talk in a safe space with strangers, great. But can you do that in your own home with others around? But there are things you can do to address that. (One person would go to their garage and sit in a closed car for the meeting, which gives local privacy) I am a big encourager of trying out the local meetings. They need help also. Like life, it's what you make of it. Be the change you want to see...and all that. I'd 'promote' the organization that runs my local meetings, but no promotions on the forum. PM me if you'd like further. But, any reputable organization can host meetings, so it's not like "one is better than another".
  11. If you were down, what would you want someone to say to you? Or, are actions more important than words? Letting someone know that you care is important. But balance that with the implication/judgement of "you're not well". Make offers to help, but in constructive ways, not condescendingly. Personally, I'd rather have someone invite/drag me along to something I used to think was fun. Talk is talk and just things to bounce around in my head more. But getting out of the daily routine and doing something active (that gets me focused on something outside of my head) is important. If someone who knows me were to invite (or drag) me along while WE did something, that can be a great help. I won't get into the "don't tell me to get over it" and all that...I think that has been well covered many times around here. Four hours away. She has young kids. That will add challenge to this. What's two hours away and in between? Look at a map and figure out an activity "meet half way", eat lunch, canoe down a river, spend time with her kids, etc. Saturday, drive 2 hours, meet, eat, enjoy, talk. Then 2 hours back Sat night. That is not too much driving for either party in the same day. If this works out, maybe a hotel room for more time together.
  12. Hello Lsyc1027, Many interesting things there. Several hours of good conversation can be had from all the topics you touched on. Relative vs absolute. Relativism can betray us, so be careful. (I could go on) But to the direct question/topic, confidence. There is a difference between being confident and acting it. But not as many folks can see the difference. (And it takes some time also) So many don't care about the difference. "Act confident" etc... In a way, I find it dishonest. But in a way, there are times we should act what we want to become also. I understand your associations of extro/introvert and confidence... I do not agree with it. Maybe, if I think back a long time ago to school days, it makes more sense. But I still disagree. I've known many good people who were quiet, not "center of attention", but competent and confident in their way. Passive dominant is a thing (worth a read) And I like folks who are like that...or passive confident, passive competent. I do not like myself much. I hate being the center of attention (especially for strangers!) But I know what I can do, what I can accomplish, how I can help. And, I try. (Sometimes trying is more important) Well, I try at certain things. I have found some limitations in life and have adapted. (I am confident that I will never high jump my own height again, run a sub 5 minute mile, dunk a basketball etc. Days past) School is temporary. We have our whole life to figure out who we are. Some marry an idea of themselves when they are very young (and it shows for the rest of their life) Some are always questioning (which is just fine with me, means we are still interested in learning and growing) But after a while, we settle in. ps. I hate the concept of "always do better"/never good enough.... such a burden and greatly effects mental health. Sometimes, good enough is good enough and it's more important to move on. ' Perfect' is an evil concept. Accomplish what you can. To accomplish more tasks, we have to finish a task and not spend years perfecting it. Just some thoughts, and random at that.
  13. mmoose

    One Vigil and Another

    Your words dance as always. And sometimes, dance around the topic. But we all have items we dare not utter lest we give them more power. Funny, my first thought for home hair cut was one of your daughters. And there it was. Good for her. And, good for you. I, myself, miss my hair. I occasionally let the children know this. Occasionally, they will wander over, flop their long hair over my head and take a picture. I miss my hair...or hair that isn't even mine. With Father's day coming up this weekend, the older daughter started looking up wigs for me. And, I'd try one. But, that is one thing that I would have to see and touch and wear and repeat a hundred times before finding the right one. Something must be right (not perfect, just right) and no compromises. It seems that this is only online now, no stores (not local at least) So, next time you need a trim, are you going to play fair? You have two daughters. I think you should at least offer! I so want to read your autobiography. On the other hand, I do not think I could possible edit it Safe travels.
  14. mmoose

    and now I remember why

    I stopped blogging here. I used to have this set so that only members can read. Now, public interwebs can read. I don't like that. Not seeing a way to set back to "members only". I miss that. Any one finding what I'm not finding in the blog settings? Thought I'd check with the smart peoples.
  15. Ok, the newness of the situation has worn off. No more 'getting a home office setup just right' No more 'challenge to work efficiently like in the office' No more 'hey, I can play music out loud and not bother folks in the office'. (But, not before the rest of the house wakes...) Just the daily grind. From home. The same room I sleep in. 18 hours a day in the same room. Yea, things are getting old quick. Apologies to the Bard... 'day after day, life turns grey, like the skin on the dying man' Kinda running out of house chores also. Most interesting thing I did yesterday... sheets of wax paper under my feet and slid around a section of the kitchen floor. Now, I can gallop down the stairs, one step on carpet and slide across the kitchen floor. A thing I will do at least a dozen times a day. We are past the "stay at home because it's good for everyone" and back to the "stay at home because going out takes energy and puropose..you know, undepressed stuff.' Convenient excused are convenient. For a while. I swear, if I find out it was one of you, you will pay. I think someone here found an old oil lamp. Rubbed it. A genie (or is that Genie?) appeared, sang a song about friends... and granted wishes. The first wish was something like "I wish all extroverts and "normals" got a taste of what it's like to be an introvert or have social anxiety" Cause. While I understand that, and would back it...this seems a bit much. On the other hand, I heard someone describe current life as "Schrödinger's Virus". Without testing for everyone, you don't know if you have it or not. When you meet someone, you have to act like you have it and take care to not infect them. And, when you meet someone, you have to act like they have it and take care that they do not infect you. Yea. Stay safe everyone.
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