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ErinCat

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  1. So, lonelyforeigner, you get to judge women on our size and say chubby women are unattractive, but women do not get to judge you on your height? Seems like a bit of a double standard there, don't you think? Men have this one physical thing they are judged for, height, whereas women are constantly judged for everything about our appearance (including height) and not just on the internet, it is in exactly everything you see. Movies, TV, magazines and almost every man you meet seems to have no problem spewing stuff about it, it is considered 100% acceptable when done to a woman, but dare do it to a man on even one attribute and all h*** will break loose. Now, my brother is 5'5 and has never had a trouble with women. He has always dated some really beautiful women. Why? He doesn't let his height bother him. He is most certainly not part of the 1%, we come from a very poor background and were even homeless at one point. Right now he is dating a gorgeous and lovely woman who is 5'9 and they love each other and have been together for years. I think only once did he actually date a woman shorter than himself. He has a friend who is 5'3 who is dating a model, again from a really poor home. In fact, most of his friends are really short and come from our old neighborhood, and they are dating tall, beautiful women. So yes, it really is all in your attitude. The reason I hear quoted most often is that women want a tall guy because they want a man who they feel can protect them, a shorter guy can do that just fine if he has the right attitude and is confident in himself. Of course it helps if you are really buff, but thankfully like the chubby women can lose weight you can buff up. ;)
  2. In my opinion cheating on your partner with whom you have agreed upon having a monogamous relationship is not exactly good behavior. In addition, you care less about how it might affect him than how it might affect you and plan on keeping going despite knowing it will hurt him intensely. In my book, you do fill a lot of the criteria for being a "bad person". I am sorry to be so blunt, but personally I don't think there is ever any excuse for cheating, and if it happens the partner of the cheater deserves to know so they can decide whether they want to stay or find someone who is capable of being monogamous. My advice is to at least own up to what you have done and just tell your partner so he can make his decision and if he breaks up with you, you will be able to sleep with your flatmate as much as you like without worrying about how it will affect you. You might also want to look into poly or open relationships in the future if that is more your thing. Not being monogamous is not a bad thing at all, you just need to find partners who are also non-monogamous or who will let you sleep with others freely. You know what the right thing to do is. The only time I would suggest not doing it is if he is at serious risk of harming himself, in which case you should just break up with him for now and explain later when he is in a better place. Again, sorry to be so blunt here, but I felt it was necessary. Still, all of this is just my opinions and my values and cheating happens to be at the top of the list of big no-nos for me.
  3. In case anyone is interested, or if someone finds this thread later from Google or something: I talked to my doctor about it on Tuesday and we decided that I would do 20 minutes for one week to see if I was just hypersensitive to the light. Then after that if everything is fine I can increase it to 30 minutes if I feel the need to, and we will go from there. She said most of my side-effects after quitting probably came from the compounded lack of sleep from being overstimulated by the light and not from any mania, because they resolved as soon as I got some proper sleep. Anyway, I have been doing 20 minutes a day now for 4 days without any side-effects and it is working, but I think I will increase it to 30 minutes next Wednesday because I am still a bit tired. Just wanted to let everyone know it turned out fine in the end, and apparently I am just really sensitive to light therapy. I guess it makes sense because I am really sensitive to changes in seasons too. I also hope this serves as a warning to anyone who finds it on Google; take light therapy as seriously as any other medical regimen because apparently it is just as possible to overdose on it, and doing it is not a good time lol!
  4. I agree with this. Gender roles and expectations are ridiculous and need to be done away with. They hurt everyone! There is very little actual difference in behavior and capabilities between the genders. I consider myself a feminist and this is what it is all about, equality (or was originally, at least, guess it's called egalitarianism now). I open doors for everyone, and I appreciate it when someone of any gender does it for me, it is just something nice to do. I am gay so I don't actually ever have to deal with this, but even if I weren't, I would expect my man to do the dishes just as often as I do. I would expect him to do the laundry just as often as I do and he can do that while I'm out working on the car or mowing the lawn. This thread should have been titled "how to keep your partner happy" and the gendered words should have been left out, then it would have been great. Now it just comes off as patronizing to women and making men seem like their job is to serve the woman. A total lose-lose situation. These same suggestions actually go for any person you appreciate, including friends and family: listen, don't lie, return favors, treat them like a person worthy of respect and never take them for granted.
  5. I am not a trans guy myself, but I know someone whose son recently had top surgery. For the first few days he definitely needed a ton of support and it would probably be a good idea to have someone around for at least the first week just in case. Most hospitals let you stay after bigger surgeries like this for a couple of days, but I don't know what the case is when it comes to top surgery, sorry. :(
  6. Honestly my response would have been better suited for someone who doesn't suffer from mental health issues. I really should have better taken into consideration the context and I am terribly sorry if my post seemed insensitive to anyone on here. I don't suffer from any mental illness other than comparatively mild SAD which hardly compares, so I have no idea how to offer help or advice to someone who suffers from deep depression. :( I really hope things get better for you!
  7. This is what we were talking about in the other thread you just posted on, about good guys and good girls meeting. You asked for brutal honesty so here we go. You treat your friend well, but she has every right to choose her partner, you don't automatically get her because you are nice to her. That is not how human attraction works. The thing you are witnessing with your friend is called "traumatic bonding", and both men and women are equally susceptible so it's not just women going for jerks, it's just human behavior and it can be incredibly difficult to break. Men are less likely to talk about being abused by women because society is not very accepting of it due to sexism, but it happens just as often to men. Traumatic bonding is a literal addiction to another person and like with any other drug, there is no way to make her quit until she realizes it for herself. Even if and when she does realize that her addiction to him is bad, don't expect her to fall for you. She still has a right to choose her partner then, and if she isn't attracted to you she simply isn't, that is all there is to it. So if you are only friends with her because you think there is a chance you might get into her pants one day, do her a favor and be honest with her, and don't string her along any longer having her believe that you are a genuine friend to her. It is something which happens all too often to women and sometimes we only get to know the real motive years down the line. It is heartbreaking to say the least. Right now there are a whole lot of 'I's in your post, but a relationship should not really be about you, it should be about the other person and you two together. So, first you have to realize that you are not entitled to a woman or a relationship. No one is. You are viewing it from the wrong angle, one which is the reason so many relationships fail and why divorce rates are so high. You should consider yourself lucky if you meet someone with whom you want to share your life, and who equally wants to share hers with you. That is far from a given in life and being single is also by far better than settling just to attain a feeling or appearance of normalcy, or for a sense of worthiness. You have probably heard this cliché a million times already but it bears repeating, you should be happy being single before you consider dating, or you will come off as desperate. I don't know about men, but women can pick up on that feeling of despair no matter how well you think you are hiding it, so get rid of that first. Most emotionally healthy women will reject you when they pick up on it but the less morally inclined can end up using you instead. This is the catch-22 of relationships. In order to have a healthy relationship you have to not feel an excessive need for a relationship in the first place. When you want a relationship for superficial reasons or for emotional support and healing you will end up either without one or in an unhappy one because you are willing to settle for someone who is willing to settle for you, so you are two unhappy people trying to draw emotional energy from each other, when you should both have an excess of it in the first place so you can feed it to each other and grow stronger together. :)
  8. That sums it up perfectly. A well-balanced person who keeps life interesting and fun is what everyone is looking for in the end, right? :) I agree that as you get older it gets much more difficult. I am past my college years and just finding a well-balanced, emotionally stable partner can be really difficult. I am not dating right now because I am busy with other things in life, but finding single gay or bi women who fit all the criteria and where there is mutual attraction is an interesting challenge to say the least. You have a larger dating pool (about 10 times larger on average), but you also have much more competition, so it kind of evens out there. Dating is just friggin' hard no matter who you are I think lol! @lonelyforeigner: Hah, I know what you mean! It is incredibly annoying being told that something you have little control over (quitting cigarettes is the worst) makes your existence offensive to people. You are being a considerate smoker and that is all anyone can ask. :)
  9. I'm sorry, I totally misinterpreted your previous post. I agree that no one should ask anyone else to quit smoking (or using any other drugs), they should not have gotten into a relationship with an addict to start with then. As an ex-smoker I know how that feels, people can ask all they like but all it does is make the person feel crappy so they smoke more and quitting won't happen before the smoker actually wants to quit for themselves. Really sorry for the misunderstanding!
  10. I felt like that at the end of my previous relationship too. It was not a healthy relationship and getting out was actually a relief, I was only heartbroken for a few days even though the relationship itself lasted for an entire year. I have been happily single for the entire year since and am not actively dating at this point, but I am still open to a relationship and if I run into someone I like I won't turn down a date with them. :) The relationship was unhealthy in part because my partner suffered from severe depression and would randomly neglect me or treat me like I didn't exist sometimes for weeks at a time and I had to constantly deal with the fear of finding them dead. It was something they talked about a lot, and said they would do sooner or later and offering help or hotlines made them incredibly aggressive, because they felt it was their choice to make and no help was needed. It took a real toll on both of us, I felt like nothing more than a (very unappreciated) therapist and they are doing better now too that they don't have to worry about spending energy they didn't have on trying to make a relationship work when it should have been spent on taking care of themselves. We are both better off not being together and we are still friends, much better ones than when we tried to have a relationship. I have a ton of free time to spend on a project I am currently working on and really excited about, I have friends and family so I never feel lonely and I genuinely enjoy my own company a lot too. Being single is infinitely better than being in an unhealthy relationship, but I do eventually want a (healthy) relationship, just right now I am too busy with life to actively look for one. I think your new mind frame is a really healthy one and the result of getting a handle on your depression. :)
  11. Women are not a hive-mind, we are all people with different tastes and personalities. I know many nice guys and actually every single one of them is in a long-term relationship (all 5+ years) with good women, the majority of the bad guys I have met are not. Perhaps it is the country I live in, but I don't see it play out like on TV with the good girls going for the bad guy in real life. However, like Gisele said, actual nice guys exist in large numbers so naturally a large percentage of the single men in the world will be these so-called nice guys. Additionally, like lonelyforeigner pointed out in a way earlier, the ones who are single and and consider themselves nice (whether or not they are, who actually ever considers themselves bad?) feel entitled to a woman because TV has shown them they are. From what I have noticed, not just any woman will do either, they tend to have incredibly high standards that just don't work in the real world (not at all saying that's any of you guys in this thread, it's just a trend I have seen) and are actually simply quieter a-holes who still view women as objects or games in one way or another. I strongly disagree with lonelyforeigner's ideas that you shouldn't listen to a woman when she asks you to do something. That is called being incredibly rude, and not something I think any woman finds attractive. If she asks that you put out a cigarette and you don't because you think it's what she wants, that is exactly the same treating women as objects or game thing I mentioned earlier. We are human beings too and basic human decency should be applied towards us too, it would be nice if people were not advocating against that. :) If you really want a girlfriend, you have to put yourself out there. You have to actually talk to a lot of women until you find one whose personality works with yours. I know your struggles because I only date women too, and women who love women are few and far in-between so I don't even have bars and clubs full of potential girlfriends wherever I go. See someone you like? Go talk to her, be confident in yourself and flirt but be respectful. Confidence is by far the most important thing when trying to meet someone (no matter if you or they are male, female or something in-between), it is what makes the bad guys attractive in the first place but good guys can be just as confident too without being jerks, it's just that they don't necessarily remain single for very long. Flirting is the second most important thing, and it is a complicated thing I don't really know how to explain, but it's basically (respectful) teasing and hinting at liking a person in a funny, confident and slightly indirect way. You will get the hang of it if you do it enough, and you can flirt with friends for practice as long as they are OK with it. Again remember to remain respectful and don't be creepy, believe it or not we really are humans with feelings too, not games to be won or objects to be owned.
  12. Thank you so much for your reply gs22! I was instructed to use it like you said, off to the side and slightly from above so it kind of emulates the sun. I never looked directly into it (it is way too bright for that too) and measured the distance so I was not too close or far away. However, last night I finally got a good night's sleep, only woke up like four or five times but fell back asleep almost immediately and had very little RLS. Today I feel pretty much fully myself again. :) I am super relieved! I already have an appointment with my doctor for next week and I will be talking to her about this, and whether a lower amount of time in front of it would be safe or if light therapy just isn't for me.
  13. I lost my girlfriend who I thought I would be with for life in my 20s because I was too clingy. Now I am 30 and still single with a number of failed relationships behind me and wondering whether I will ever find any woman I click with that well again (I'm gay). It really sucks, but you know what, I think those women were just there to teach us so we can have a healthy relationship with the one when we meet her in the future. I know to give her space and you know to give her time now, it was something we needed to learn. I guess we still have some more to learn, or maybe they have something to learn before they deserve us, but we will find them. I am certain of that! :) In the meantime, you will improve as you learn more about yourself and go through life's obstacles. You have accomplished so much already; you have a job, you kicked your gaming addiction and you sound like a caring guy who wants a deep relationship. You are already a real gem and when you find miss right she will appreciate that. Sometimes you just have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your princess, but your best days are ahead of you, I promise.
  14. I started light therapy on Monday for SAD, and although it worked really well during the day it has had some pretty severe side-effects on me. I was instructed to use it for an hour a day, but the first day I used it an hour and a half because I lost track of time while working next to it, and I didn't think much of it because it was just a light. I just thought "it's not like I took 1½ pill when I only was to take one, right?" Nope, wrong! I ended up getting extremely wired that day, like I had had way too much caffeine, I literally had to jump and dance and run around inside and couldn't sit still. It was not a good feeling either, anyone who has had three cups too many know what it's like. It is extremely annoying! Anyway, after that I crashed hard and ended up more depressed than ever before, I almost felt life wasn't worth living anymore, which is nowhere close to how bad my SAD gets even in January. I chalked it up to an overdose of light and on Tuesday made sure I did not spend a second longer than the recommended hour in front of the light. Did not end up wired, it fixed the depression it caused which I still felt in the morning (not as bad as in the evening though) and I felt normal again during the day. However, that night the same depression came back, just as bad as on Monday night. I thought it might go away after a while of using it, but on Wednesday night (after using it again for exactly 1h in the morning) more symptoms started showing up. I have become really irritable with intense angry outbursts (which is not at all like me, I am usually a very calm person and it takes a lot to get me angry), have serious restless leg syndrome coupled with insomnia and so I discontinued the treatment and did not use it on Thursday or this morning. I did not sleep at all on Wednesday night because of the insomnia and RLS. Despite not sleeping at all on Wednesday - Thursday night and discontinuation of treatment it still took me 4 hours to fall asleep last night. The light is known to trigger mania or hypomania in users who suffer from bipolar disorders, so (despite not having bipolar before, nor does anyone in my family) I thought it might be that. I looked into it and it doesn't sound like it is that. I know self-diagnosis is not the best, but it will have to do until I can see my doctor next week to bring this up. Anyway, I don't have any symptoms of it other than insomnia (which is not unusual for me) and irritability, and I certainly don't feel better than normal. I am not hyperactive since that crazy Monday episode and I am not any more productive or creative, quite the opposite actually, I still need the same amount of sleep etc. I feel worse now than when I started, and I hope I can return to normal soon. I am going to talk to my doctor about possibly restarting with a much lower amount of time in front of the light, because it seems I am really sensitive to it. So, to the actual questions, has anyone else experienced anything like this? Did you ever return to normal? My biggest fear right now is that the light set off a much worse depression and insomnia than I had before or - worse yet - that it triggered a latent bipolar disorder or cyclothymia or something. I'm scared!
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