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  1. Hi Rhyl Very sorry to hear about this. I can totally relate to your feelings of not wanting to continue with seeing doctors. But I'm dragging what is left of me to keep trying. Sadly reality I've come to realise as well is having to 'shop around' for better service can be necessary. The last 2 experiences I've had with doctors have been horrific. One went to sleep and the other said something totally inappropriate and want to report him for it. I'm waiting to try another one with 'good reviews.' All i can say is that there are good ones out there, i met one when i was in hospital but sadly for me she does not take patients that aren't admitted. All the best.
  2. Hi I just thought I would reply so you know you aren't alone. I feel what you wrote is a reflection of where I am at pretty much. Except I'm a couple of years younger, 40 and that I cant put an exact age of when my depression started - early teens roughly.
  3. thanks for the kind words lex333. I wish I had a wand also, to at least shut off this fight or flight feeling I have pretty much all the time without popping pills that I'm now dependent on. Self forgiveness/respect - big issues for me.
  4. Hey James, sorry for the short post I just thought I'd say hello too and for what its worth I'm sorry to hear about your situation.. I've been through events recently like losing my partner, going to hospital, and financial situation in a bad way too. W
  5. Hi, this is the first time I've written anything on the internet about my depression/anxiety/catastrophic thoughts, and just chose this place after seeing there are alot of kind and supportive people here, I've had depression most of my life, since my early teens, but overall I was able to lead a reasonably 'okay' (albeit quite lonely) life - up until about 1 and a half years ago. It became the worst it has ever been, during this period I have done a great job of destroying myself. I'm convinced I have no further value to offer anymore, have lost my abilities, and that it is inevitable that I'll lose my job, my home, end up on the streets and lose whatever is left of my sanity. I convinced myself I would lose my partner, and that is exactly what has just happened - she just got sick and tired of dealing with my state. I also got dumped by a friend via text shortly after that for the same reason, so now I am paranoid about talking about it any more with what friends I do have left. I've tried various types of meds, psychology, psychiatry, was also hosptialised and had ECT. What I find so very scary to the point of panic is that I recognise that what I'm fearing the most is exactly what I am helping attract through my actions. Or more accurately, inaction fearing the unknown - like I actually prefer being in this miserable 'comfort zone'?!?! I call myself a pathetic for not making changes after seeking help. Even basics such as a regular sleeping pattern has gone out of the window. I've started being awake throughout the night and sleeping through the day. It feels 'safe' when others are sleeping and I don't have to interact with anyone. I've gone down to part time but I'm even struggling with that. The plan was that the extra time would be spent healing, not getting worse No magic wand I'm expecting here... I just dont want to not feel so alone and would like to hear from anyonre who relates to feeling in this 'rabbit in the headlights' state - so fearful of any change thinking you are your own worst enemy? Like I am on a train track and am just looking at it coming at me - an obvious thing to try is stepping off the line. You've been told repeatedly to try doing that- but instead you just continue to watch it come closer which makes no sense. Deep inside it just feels like I have totally given up to be honest and fast losing faith I can ever get better. Overwhelmed and exhausted by depressive thoughts before even trying to make a change - thinking that I've gone past the point of no return etc etc I haven't really talked to people that actually suffer from depression and anxiety themselves. I'm just over life as it is, feeling I'm no longer in control of anything. I'm just fighting myself all the time. I don't want to bring down others with me (like my ex - I feel so remorseful about the effect I had on her, I didn't intend on hurting anyone but I did by being so wound up in my own world).
  6. Yes, a couple of times. my best mate, grew up like brothers - just gradually faded away in a similar way. Hurt alot. Just recently, a text from someone else - it was big - basically said our friendship 'did not serve her' and that she was terminating it. Was a shock to hear it that bluntly. Feel numb about it, but at least I was told up straight.....
  7. Hi SailingSoul, I can relate to how you feel, comparing yourself against others, where no contact at all seems like a logical step to take. I agree though feeling bad about other peoples success just makes things worse, made me feel bitter, you beat yourself up about anything you can find... Like feeling crappy about asking for help on this subject, you shouldnt. For me anyway its just taking time away from spending it trying to get to a better place where I can disconnect from unhealthy comparisons. I'm no authority on this but anyway I just thought I'd post so you know I've been there as well.
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