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  1. Day 1 of Zoloft I had a panic attack like none I've ever had (I don't typically get panic attacks) but I was freaking out and nothing was different, I was safe in my home. I waded it out and that didn't happen again. I've been taking Zoloft for 1 week now. I woke up this morning and scratched my head, then decided that I should cut all my hair off. I found some scissors, sat next to the trash bin, and chopped my once mid-back range hair down to centimeters. It felt great, and the shower after was phenomenal. My hair is now a straight up hack job, I've been wearing a hat all day because I'm freezing. I'm looking in the mirror and thinking "Am I crazy? Am I actually going insane?" How do I explain myself to people? I can't tell if this is something triggered by the medicine, just another piece of my depression.. Or a legitimate choice I made. I'm confused. I won't be seeing my doctor until Wednesday and I'm worried about him seeing my hair.
  2. I'm a ****ing ****head. I didn't call her, or text her, or even think about her. I don't even know what the **** to say to her now. I'm flat broke so I can't even make it up to her with a fancy gift. I feel awful, I can't believe myself. Has as this ever happened? What did you do? and I just realized I missed my nephews 6th birthday in September. I'm junk. I can't believe myself
  3. I can't tread any longer. I didn't even inhale one last time before I went under. This feels better. My body was tired, but now, suspended, ebbing, weightless. Numb. I am at ease. Above is turmoil and struggle. Above it is loud. Now I can let go. Drowning is inevitable. Fighting it is futile. The moment I felt the water wash over my face was peace. There is nothing here but me. Sinking slowly. Drifting. Sometimes I look back up. It certainly is darker below. Should I swim back? I can't. I should go back up. I'm running out of oxygen. The realization has taken away a piece of my peace. I can hear whispers from loved ones. They want to pull me up. They can help. What for? I can get back there by myself, or with help. But I'll never get out of the water. I will be able to breathe again. But I will still be swimming. Just barely keeping my head above. And I am tired. You're not supposed to fight a riptide. I'm sinking. Lower. and lower. Is there an end? I can't breathe. My lungs burn, my eyes are bulging. My head hurts like its never hurt before. There is no bottom and I can not see above anymore. And I can not hear my loved ones. I am in complete dark. and silence. and cold. How long does it take to drown? Where is the bottom? The pain of drowning, the pain of staying afloat. Tread or Suffocate? I want nothing to do with either. When will it end?
  4. @MarkintheDark I'm a huge fan of the HALT technique and I will try to apply that when I am particularly morose. Thank you for sharing your experience with me
  5. Thank you both so very much for your support. I feel a bit of optimism that wasn't there before. I think I am in good hands with this Dr. He has a very Eckhart Tolle approach that I believe in. I was fascinated with Tolles theories before and look forward to being coached down that path. I will certainly keep posting. Reading what others feel is enlightening and drawing similarities is comforting in that I am not so different, or crazy, or disgusting - like I thought. Rather just struggling, among many others. The optimism that I may be able to function is almost enough to make me want to comb my hair.. lol
  6. @MarkintheDark It doesn't need to apply to me. Everyone is so very different. I like learning about other people's journeys. Right now I am combing through DF. So much variety, so much community. It seems that how you began to feel better is almost in the same fashion, by learning about others and talking about it. How do you feel now tho? What is your life like? Did you get everything cleaned up, or take care of the issue with the car? If I am invading, certainly stop me.
  7. Oh my goodness, we are all Sisyphus. Everything is perpetual. I think about that all the time, I'm glad to hear another mention it. Feeling disconnected from "real life".. What is real life? I feel disconnected as well, but I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to be connected to. I very much enjoyed your post, thank you for sharing
  8. @MarkintheDark Are you better? What kind of help did you get? How long did it take you to get help? I don't want help from my friends and family. I know it will make me feel worse.
  9. I finally went to the Drs and he asked me "why are you here" - I drew a blank like I knew I would. What do you say to that? Not an easy question to answer. You should write it down, I felt it was a tremendous help to have words I'd written in one of my deeper episodes, a capture of what is wrong. What you said in this post is an answer itself. "I need help because everything is overwhelming and I've shut myself inside. I'm barely surviving. This is not how I want to be." i chose counseling over psychiatry. I'd like to avoid medication if possible and see if he can help me with coping. Please try something. I'd be glad to hear if you did.
  10. @Concerned16 It did not go as expected, I went and didn't know what to say when he asked why I was there so I asked if I could read to him. I chose this post and only got to the part about me not going to work when he stopped me to ask questions. I felt he was genuinely concerned about me. He asked me questions about my financial situation and as I explained I started to cry. He called up my company immediatly and put me on medical leave. He told them he had done a full evaluation and that I meet all requirements. When off the phone he told me he can see that I am hurting, that he is familiar with my plight and he can help me. in one single visit, I not only feel like I have someone who actually cares and understands, but someone who actually can help me. He has taken a massive weight off my shoulders by dealing with my job for me. He wants me to come back tomorrow and I am. I think I will have to see him more than once a week. The day before yesterday I had completely given up. I was contemplating what I would do when that inevitable day came when I was fired from my job. Where they repossessed my car, or when they finally evict me from my house - worse yet, when I am jailed for tax evasion. He has left me with a sliver of hope that maybe, it's not too late. Maybe I won't lose everything. Maybe I can get out of this intact. I'm so grateful for everything here. The responses, reading other people's posts, the kindness here altogether. I would like to stay. If I didn't type out all my issues here like I did, I wouldn't have seen just how bad I've let myself get and I wouldn't have made an appointment.
  11. My job offers 5 free visits to a psychologist. (I think because they know my job drives people to insanity) I called the service yesterday and the lady on the phone found a doctor in my area and scheduled the appointment for me. She also took care of all the insurance information and everything that was freaking me out about getting started with finding help. I will be showering and going to the doctors tonight to see what he might have to say. I'm terrible at verbalizing. Would it be weird if I wrote everything down and read it to him instead of talking on the fly?
  12. @Concerned16 You are a great person. I read this last night before I went to bed and I appreciate it. I can see some similarities with your son and I. Although my house is in disarray I still do the dishes, and pick up a room from time to time. Usually only in the mornings. My kitchen is actually clean, the rest of the house is junk. That is certainly good advice. My sister asked me a couple weeks ago if everything was alright and I told her that "I am fine I just don't want to talk to anyone right now" and she said "Okay" and that was that. My mom is not as easy to fend off. She knows I don't want to talk but she sends me love paragraphs through text all the time and tells me how much she misses me and begs me to come see her. I don't like it, it makes me feel worse. to constantly have to turn her down, or when I don't respond at all and I know I'm hurting her because she really does love me. She already knows i do not want to talk. I love her to absolute death and I can understand why it is confusing for her. If I love her why would I be hurting her like this, and pushing her away? Your son is very lucky to have such a patient, understanding and loving mother. What you have done for him; leaving him alone, not bothering about the mess in his room, letting him do everything at his own pace - that is astronomical and I know even if he doesn't say thank you he is extremely thankful. And I am thankful as well - I really thought posting here I would get back the standard motivational blase that I don't care to hear. I am pleasantly surprised.
  13. @Concerned16 thank you, don't be sad for me. My friends and family have reached out to me. They are trying very hard, I almost think my family and my friends are collaborating. I don't want their help. I don't want them. I wish I were forgotten completely. It's added stress that they are trying to talk to me, I feel as if I am letting them down. I love them, but please leave me alone. Let me be here in my own shame. I do not want spectators. Don't talk about me. My sister came over last night and was appalled at the contents of my fridge. All I have is half&half, orange juice and condiments. She wanted to buy me groceries very badly and I told her absolutely not. If I didn't play I would be doing nothing at all. There's nothing else. I know this because when I am not playing, I am not doing anything but thinking. So, I suppose I don't want help. I know all the answers, I just can't. I'm not sure. This is the first time I've reached out to say anything to anyone, so.. Step 1? I guess haha. Im 26 btw. Im glad to hear your son is being taken care of. How old is he? When did he ask for help? How did he ask for help?
  14. @quentin360 @That_Random_Guy98 It's okay to compare yourself, and see the differences. It helps us learn more about ourselves and think about things that perhaps we hadn't thought about before. I stay in my house all day but I do not perceive as this 'damn house' but as my sanctuary. I never want to leave it. The news is depressing. None of it it positive. I don't like television at all, I think it is poison. I see people in real life trying to simulate the garbage they watch. I agree with you that Facebook makes me sick. I avoid it all because it doesn't make me feel good. It's what normal people do tho, maybe I should shove that stuff down my throat like others and I can get on their level? I'm 26. If if I were to die today I would have no regrets. Perhaps tho, I might regret I didn't clean up my home for whoever is tasked with that responsibility.
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