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sunset44

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Everything posted by sunset44

  1. Trying to move forward, but sometimes something feels like its pushing me back, or like i fall back onto old thoughts and feelings. I havnt posted in a while.
  2. sunset44

    Do we ever truly heal? (Poll)

    Hi Cheshire, I think it can be a tough journey. The way i understand it inside my own self, is that a break down is like an unorganized mess that didnt get treated or dealt with. The break down is a part of the problem in the first place. And for some reason we have no control over this, its like a crap shoot with a very messy ending. Im hoping the meds are there to help us along in our healing till we can figure out a way to heal the problem.
  3. sunset44

    Overwhelmingly depressed and no one to talk to.

    HI JMjones, i couldnt read all of the last part of your post due to some wierd advertisement getting in the way, but i got the gist of it. I dont have a whold lot of time right now, but i just want to say that we are here for you and it can get better. The cognitive tools help me like reminding myslef that i am safe, everything is going to be alright, keep breathing and try to focus on one little thing at the time. One little task at the time, one moment at the time. i sometimes talk to my suicidal thoughts and tell them that they are not appropriate right now and try to distract myself , take a break, anything. I imagine you are seeing a p doc, but I have a good therapist who is a psychiatric nurse, and she has been a huge help. Asking for help, helps. So glad your here.
  4. So i dont know if its the chicken or the egg scenerio, but I was deeply involved in Native American Spirituality and Ceremony with my husband. He passed three years ago. My beliefs kept me feeling comforted and connected to him for a long time and feeling like a whole person for the most part. Long story short, I met someone and it was premature, and all of my Ptsd was triggered and my mind went haywire with the spiritual stuff, like it went to really dark places. I now feel disconnected to my husband and my faith which was mostly nature and rythyms and cycles of life. I ended up on depression meds and sliding into a whole world of PTSD stuff, and in a place that feels lonely and disconnected even to myself. So has anyone had any experiences with getting scared about their beliefs and abandoning them or trouble reconnecting to them since they seemed like such an important part of my life at one point. Can depression and Complex PTSD and anxiety bring on a bout of spiritual scariness? I guess that is my question. And do i continue to have faith that there is healing? just a part of the journey? Any way to feel whole again using the same faith I had previously? Wierdness I know. Thanks for reading or just letting me put the question out there even if it doesnt make much sense.
  5. Holy Hell, I seem to be keeping busy to get through the day, but then out of nowhere a major bout of lonliness or recognition that i have no one to talk to hits me out of nowhere, I think this is a symptom of my husband being gone. I have family around, but this does not always quench that thirst if you know what I mean. thats all for now.
  6. Hi all, just having a not so good day. Started out ok, accept for some crappy dreams. I'm sad, i dont feel much and i cand feel some darker stuff creeping in. Might be ptsd related. Dont quite know how to deal with today.
  7. Hi, New person here, just introducing myself. I have been in need of some support and communication! Thanks
  8. Went to a Halloween parade today with my folks. Wasn't super in the mood but went anyways. It was ok until I saw so many families and boyfriends with girlfriends, and a happy Hispanic community. My recent retraumitization was with a hispanic person. Not a bad person but someone I liked and the first person after my husband died that i glommed on to, and a little to quick. So i was reminded how alone I am, missing my husband, and angry and sad and symptomatic ptsd stuff about the hispanic person that went so wrong when I was hoping for some right. This is all the stuff that led to a total mind darkness a while back and am still trying to recover from. Sad about my situation that i was way better before the retraumatization than i am now. The slide back was massive. This thing is so hard sometimes, and sometimes it makes me think i may never be able to be with another human being again in a relationship. than I really start to go to dark places. I have forgotten what its like to trust myslef and others. Day to day is still day to day moment to moment sometimes.
  9. Raining Violets, I would love to chat at times, I think I do not have enough posts yet to chat. But thanks for the support to keep posting. Quenton360, I know the blame game circle. It is so hard to let new people in and even get myself out there to somewhere where there are people like me.
  10. sunset44

    How I feel right now

    I used to have peace with myself and love myself. it took a lot of hard work to get there, and I wasnt alone and it took a lot of prayer and action. But now its three years later, my husband passed and a recent retraumatization took me back to square one. I'm glad for your post because it reminds me what my prayers will be for tonight. For peace and to love myself again. Lots of brave to you Quention360
  11. Arg, sometimes therapy is great, and sometimes i dont know what to do with myself after its over. Like today I talked and there were tears, and im all joggled up, and feel a bit vulnerable, and tired. Why are the days forever long sometimes? Gonna take a break.
  12. sunset44

    My life is at a standstill...

    Hi Quentin360, you also have responded to some of my posts and I am always grateful. The past two days have also been feeling blank and it gets super lonely not having someone around. And today I am having an undertone conversation with myself thats a bit difficult and on the down dark side. I dont want to go into specifics but I think its a ptsd effect. So for now I am grateful for your posts and letting me vent a bit too.
  13. Rhyl, So sorry for the ptsd symptoms. I feel like I have ptsd about everything these days. Going to the doctor is wierd and scary enough as it is. I find I am always seeking out female practitioners so I can feel more open about telling them some of my issues if need be. I wonder if taking someone with you might be helpful. I can relate to the back and forth feelings about therapists. One day its like the best thing and I cant wait to go and the next day I am ambiguous or its like a chore that seems scary just going there. sorry I am not more helpful. All I can say is I try to see women doctors only, and if they suck I try to see someone else. The last time I did not listen to my own wisdom I ended up in a bad place. So take your time. Other than that I wish you well.
  14. sunset44

    The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    sad, a bit tired, scared, a little lost, confused and anxious about the future, but going to do some work anyway.
  15. I have had dream flashbacks during the day. I don't see why not. I think it may all be a part of PTSD.
  16. Just getting it out of my head. Just had a momentary ptsd freak out where there was a lot of confusion regarding my thoughts and feelings having to do with an intense ptsd trigger from a while back. Its like the memory enters my head, and I have very confusing thoughts and feelings about it. It was a very short physical relationship. Strong feelings towards this person but scary thoughts and feelings about him too. Confusing when I am lonely for some companionship too and miss my husband who passed three and a half years ago. So I took a tiny dose of klonopin, went for a walk and cleaned my bathroom. Thats what i did.
  17. Does anyone find that keeping busy is helpful in their day to day. Sometimes I wish I could find a small group of women and have a crafting night once a month. Does anyone get wierded out by thier thoughts and wonder if they are even based in reality especially spiritual thoughts and than have a hard time explaining them to your therapist. Can you regain full functioning again after a nervous breakdown? How do you trust yourself and your thinking when you start to recover from being retraumatized and reexperiencing sliding around the ptsd brain world, trusting your decisions again, feeling stable. Does anyone cling to family like its their only life line, so wierd to feel like a string hanging out in the wind. Hard to find purpose sometimes. Glad there are some nice people on this forum.
  18. Thanks for some something I will think about for sure.
  19. Nightrose, If you feel like sharing any of your affirmations Im all ears, if its not is ok too.
  20. Went to an auction this morning for the family business. It went exceptionally well considering I dont seem to have any ability to plan ahead very much. I used to be able to find things to do and look forward to them and be excited like there wasnt enough time in my days or weeks to visit and meet people and craft and such. Now its like I'm happy if I dont get completely stuck ruminating in scary thoughts for hours on end. So still one foot in front of the other. So proud of you for folding your clothes and going to the store. major accomplishment!!! I have been trying not to listen to the small voice that tells me I am purposeless, lost everything I have, critical of my life. Difficult, but getting better at letting them slide by. Even though i dont know where this whole life thing is going on a daily basis. The whole unkown thing or not knowing the future, fear of the unknown is stupid scary. I have conversations in my head sometimes that scare me and usually involve someone I love telling me I gotta figure out my life like today and figure out how to take care of myself for the rest of my life. Totally paralyzing. Oh and the other scary thought, what if my mind decides to unravel again at some point and I will be totally incapable of taking care of myself. Thanks for letting me blab on this post you started.
  21. Thanks for both replies, it helps to know that I am not alone. So far this forum has been helpful. Thanks
  22. Hi, I am new here, but i think I just found my place on this sight as I can relate to many of the posts. I will keep it short. I have Complex PTSD, depression and anxiety and Traumatic grief as my husband died a little over 3 years ago. The grief was going relatively smoothy, meaning a healthy progress for the most part, and than my dad got sick, my mom was having extreme panick attacks, so i stepped in to help both of them while taking on too much at the family business, didnt keep my ptsd in check, fantasized about our employee for about 6 months and than as the aniversary of my husbands death neared I impulsively had relations with this person I hardly knew. I will save the details for some other time, but the outcome being that it threw me into a PTSD state that I did not even know existed, I started having extreme panick attacks, felt week, fragile, and like things in my mind were unravelling and I started reliving events in my life that I had so neatly healed and wrapped up when my husband was alive. I eventually ended up in the hospital because I am medication sensitive , but the hospital may have made me worse I think, the whole thing felt a lot like a nervous break down. the meds sucked. I broke out in hives 4 weeks later. Came off meds. And now am trying something new. Anyways, I can relate to so many of the symptoms that I am reading here. I mostly would just like a place to talk because the wierdest thing and worst thing recently is the length of the days feel terribly long and so quiet, just me and my head, super lonely. Maybe this could be a good place for me to get out of my head some times.
  23. Has anyone recovered from what might have looked like a mental breakdown? I am currently taking zoloft (still waiting to see if its a good fit) and klonopin for the anxiety just to maintain functioning throughout the day. I am not quite recovered yet by any means but I am working in a family business that is seasonal and it feels like staring at some pressure coming up as to having to function at a normal level come the holidays. My parents are getting older as well and are also not functioning like their younger days especially my dad who has been dealing with athritis and lymes for a year now. OK enough of the descriptors. Has anyone muddled through and gotten better, or have any tips for the stress and pressure of a physically demanding and customer centered job. feeling overwhelmed, Thanks
  24. would like to say more but short on brain energy. I also work in a fast paced seasonal job. Also trying to keep it together. Trying to get to an emotionally better place and get lots of help. super weary of the mind falling short. lots of support to you. peace. Unread Content Mark site read Home IMMEDIATE DEPRESSION SUPPORT DEPRESSION CENTRAL wanna work but feel i cant. feel like im gonna go crazy Advertisement Follow 2 wanna work but feel i cant. feel like im gonna go crazy Started by SailingSoul, 14 hours ago Reply to this topic Start new topic 8 posts in this topic SailingSoul Junior Member Junior Member 25 60 posts Posted 14 hours ago · Report post Advertisement Uhh my dad will be leaving soo. And my mom is gonna need me more than ever...the beat way I can help out is financially ..but I suck at the jobs that are fast..like customer service. I got paid $70 every two weeks while others got $400.. That's my fear that the same thing will repeat itself. You have to be fast and I'm not I tried... They're not patient so I feel ill mess up at every turn.. When I try to apply for things like dishwaher or something easy...i never get it..i always get put to cashier where i mess up royally. I just need to help my mom and I feel I cant. Then my anxiety is really messing with me... Like I'm becoming very forgetful.. More anxious...almost had a panic attack..intrusive thoughts are worse..my periods are irregular, hair falling out Like..idk what to do... I just dont. I'm trying to keep it together for my mom. Like this Quote You might also be interested in: durandalblue Member Member 161 248 posts Gender:Male Location:Ohio Posted 14 hours ago · Report post Hey SailingSoul, Why not just get a job that's slower pace? I always made myself get fast paced jobs and I struggled with the stress. My body and mind just had a hard time so I finally accepted that I can't really excel at fast paced jobs and it's OK. It doesn't mean I'm incompetent or anything it just means I can only handle what I can handle. You sound like you're getting too stressed out. Try to meditate daily. The more calm and relaxed you are the better you'll be able to handle work and obligations. Everything will be OK, just take some deep breaths and just take a vacation from your money concerns for a bit. Like this Quote “You needed the negative as well as the positive experiences on Earth. Before you can know joy, you must know sorrow." The Universe is taking care of you. Even if it looks like on meager levels. Even if you're barely scraping by. Everything is here to help you. Everything always works out. Always. And if you don't know how it's going to work out then it's going to be bigger and better than you can imagine. Do you feel the relief in that? What's occurring is the best and greatest thing that's ever happened to you. Just stay tuned and you will look back and see how perfect it all was. Everything happens for a reason but never the ones you imagine. But you'll never know the reason. Doesn't that just make things easier? You'll never know the reason because all the ones you come up with are against you. -Matt Kahn Find out about natural and effective ways to boost your health, mood and happiness at NaturalNews.com Going_it_Alonne Newbie Junior Member 13 25 posts Gender:Male Location:Traversing the abyss Posted 13 hours ago · Report post I tend to agree, calm yourself and go for something your pace. Money is not worth your health, ask my father. Try and go out of your normal loop looking for jobs and go for the ones you'd enjoy. All it takes to make C- work into A work is enthusiasm; bring some energy to your interviews even if anxiety is trying to pull you down. Make your papers stand out as well so you're more likely to get selected for one. It's nice to want to be helpful, but don't forget to take care of yourself. Like this Quote lex333 Newbie Junior Member 59 44 posts Posted 13 hours ago · Report post I admire your desire to help! There are a lot of us like you that for what ever reason don't move quickly... don't give up on yourself! Like this Quote Shadows22 Newbie Newbie 5 6 posts Gender:Male Location:United States Posted 13 hours ago · Report post Are you seeing anyone about the anxiety? A psychiatrist or a therapist? I understand wanting to help out. But, I also know what it's like trying to work when anxiety and depression are really taking their toll. It makes it exceptionally harder and that's not your fault. Keep talking here and getting support. If it's at all possible try and see a care team. Being able to get to a better place emotionally can better enable you to get a job.....really it makes many things in life better (of course). Other than that keep your eyes and ears open. Sometimes jobs that are more our speed or preference come along. I worked at a market research place for a while, calling people and asking if they wanted to do focus groups, screening them over the phone. While I admit this was still hard with my social anxiety and depression I was able to do it for a while and there were many other jobs that would have seemed impossible to me. I fell into a part time office job as "extra help" that eventually turned into a permanent thing. My point simply being that jobs that are more accessible do come along some times. Good Luck lex333 likes this Like this Quote SailingSoul Junior Member Junior Member 25 60 posts Posted 12 hours ago · Report post I hope youre right...i just feel so useless and incompetent... Right now... So frustrated....alll I need is a dishwashing job. I just..idk...im tired...but I wont give up. I'm just weary as hell. Like this Quote Shadows22 Newbie Newbie 5 6 posts Gender:Male Location:United States Posted 11 hours ago · Report post You are neither useless nor incompetent. These are real issues that you are facing and they are NOT your fault. You aren't just saying "you know what I just don't feel like working." You're dealing with an illness. Unfortunately it's not as widely accommodated or recognized as a strictly physical illness may be. But. It is unquestionably real. I know how frustrating and tiring it can be. Try to be understanding of yourself. In time things will work out. Take Care of Yourself Like this Quote Misanthrop Advanced Member Advanced Member 318 327 posts Gender:Male Location:Corporate office operating 24-hours Posted 1 hour ago · Report post Are you sure slower paced jobs still exist? People who have really worked before (i.e. not students or on welfare/disability benefits) know that management/supervisors are always harping on deadlines as the top management agreed on with clients/customers Like this Quote Unfortunately, from an evolutionary point of view, a self-sacrificing individual is less likely to further his/her line and hence any genetic predisposition to become altruistic is quickly squashed. Depressing truth to know. but also trying to keep it together. Anxiety, work in a seasonal fast paced job.
  25. sunset44

    Social anxiety and isolation

    goldenone, i can understand wanting to isolate yourself. I have been doing the same thing. My apartment seems like the only comfy place to be sometimes. And its really difficult being a part of the outside world for me right now. I have only been dealing with extreme anxiety for like six months now, but it seems like an eternity and I remember what it was like when I did not have this. Feeling safe feels good, and its exhausting battling this thing called anxiety. i get where you are coming from. Peace
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