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  1. Trying to move forward, but sometimes something feels like its pushing me back, or like i fall back onto old thoughts and feelings. I havnt posted in a while.
  2. sunset44

    Do we ever truly heal? (Poll)

    Hi Cheshire, I think it can be a tough journey. The way i understand it inside my own self, is that a break down is like an unorganized mess that didnt get treated or dealt with. The break down is a part of the problem in the first place. And for some reason we have no control over this, its like a crap shoot with a very messy ending. Im hoping the meds are there to help us along in our healing till we can figure out a way to heal the problem.
  3. sunset44

    Overwhelmingly depressed and no one to talk to.

    HI JMjones, i couldnt read all of the last part of your post due to some wierd advertisement getting in the way, but i got the gist of it. I dont have a whold lot of time right now, but i just want to say that we are here for you and it can get better. The cognitive tools help me like reminding myslef that i am safe, everything is going to be alright, keep breathing and try to focus on one little thing at the time. One little task at the time, one moment at the time. i sometimes talk to my suicidal thoughts and tell them that they are not appropriate right now and try to distract myself , take a break, anything. I imagine you are seeing a p doc, but I have a good therapist who is a psychiatric nurse, and she has been a huge help. Asking for help, helps. So glad your here.
  4. Hi all, just having a not so good day. Started out ok, accept for some crappy dreams. I'm sad, i dont feel much and i cand feel some darker stuff creeping in. Might be ptsd related. Dont quite know how to deal with today.
  5. Went to a Halloween parade today with my folks. Wasn't super in the mood but went anyways. It was ok until I saw so many families and boyfriends with girlfriends, and a happy Hispanic community. My recent retraumitization was with a hispanic person. Not a bad person but someone I liked and the first person after my husband died that i glommed on to, and a little to quick. So i was reminded how alone I am, missing my husband, and angry and sad and symptomatic ptsd stuff about the hispanic person that went so wrong when I was hoping for some right. This is all the stuff that led to a total mind darkness a while back and am still trying to recover from. Sad about my situation that i was way better before the retraumatization than i am now. The slide back was massive. This thing is so hard sometimes, and sometimes it makes me think i may never be able to be with another human being again in a relationship. than I really start to go to dark places. I have forgotten what its like to trust myslef and others. Day to day is still day to day moment to moment sometimes.
  6. Raining Violets, I would love to chat at times, I think I do not have enough posts yet to chat. But thanks for the support to keep posting. Quenton360, I know the blame game circle. It is so hard to let new people in and even get myself out there to somewhere where there are people like me.
  7. sunset44

    How I feel right now

    I used to have peace with myself and love myself. it took a lot of hard work to get there, and I wasnt alone and it took a lot of prayer and action. But now its three years later, my husband passed and a recent retraumatization took me back to square one. I'm glad for your post because it reminds me what my prayers will be for tonight. For peace and to love myself again. Lots of brave to you Quention360
  8. Holy Hell, I seem to be keeping busy to get through the day, but then out of nowhere a major bout of lonliness or recognition that i have no one to talk to hits me out of nowhere, I think this is a symptom of my husband being gone. I have family around, but this does not always quench that thirst if you know what I mean. thats all for now.
  9. Arg, sometimes therapy is great, and sometimes i dont know what to do with myself after its over. Like today I talked and there were tears, and im all joggled up, and feel a bit vulnerable, and tired. Why are the days forever long sometimes? Gonna take a break.
  10. sunset44

    My life is at a standstill...

    Hi Quentin360, you also have responded to some of my posts and I am always grateful. The past two days have also been feeling blank and it gets super lonely not having someone around. And today I am having an undertone conversation with myself thats a bit difficult and on the down dark side. I dont want to go into specifics but I think its a ptsd effect. So for now I am grateful for your posts and letting me vent a bit too.
  11. Rhyl, So sorry for the ptsd symptoms. I feel like I have ptsd about everything these days. Going to the doctor is wierd and scary enough as it is. I find I am always seeking out female practitioners so I can feel more open about telling them some of my issues if need be. I wonder if taking someone with you might be helpful. I can relate to the back and forth feelings about therapists. One day its like the best thing and I cant wait to go and the next day I am ambiguous or its like a chore that seems scary just going there. sorry I am not more helpful. All I can say is I try to see women doctors only, and if they suck I try to see someone else. The last time I did not listen to my own wisdom I ended up in a bad place. So take your time. Other than that I wish you well.
  12. sunset44

    The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    sad, a bit tired, scared, a little lost, confused and anxious about the future, but going to do some work anyway.
  13. I have had dream flashbacks during the day. I don't see why not. I think it may all be a part of PTSD.
  14. Just getting it out of my head. Just had a momentary ptsd freak out where there was a lot of confusion regarding my thoughts and feelings having to do with an intense ptsd trigger from a while back. Its like the memory enters my head, and I have very confusing thoughts and feelings about it. It was a very short physical relationship. Strong feelings towards this person but scary thoughts and feelings about him too. Confusing when I am lonely for some companionship too and miss my husband who passed three and a half years ago. So I took a tiny dose of klonopin, went for a walk and cleaned my bathroom. Thats what i did.
  15. Thanks for some something I will think about for sure.