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Everything posted by museumgirl

  1. @lonelyforeigner hello there! the problem is that I don't have a business related education... and i don't know if a minor in something that is more "corporate" is competitive against someone who majored in it? In any case... I don't know which is better. To keep studying (since it's the only thing I got going for myself at the moment) or just drop out until I have an idea of what I want.
  2. Hi everyone I'm afraid that I might have screwed up my life completely; a year and a half ago (three semesters ago) I started studying art history in university after dropping out from english translation in another one. At first, it was very interesting mainly because I was learning about a broad range of subjects that weren't just art-related. But it has now dawned upon me that it might have been the most stupid choice career wise. I first signed up because I was extremely depressed and had no idea about what to do with my life. Doing something, anything, seemed better than doing nothing. Now that I'm realizing that this might not be what I want to do with my life, I'm starting to panic and don't know where else to resort for help. A few weeks ago I discovered that there is another degree I could switch to and wouldn't lose any credits: humanities. It is flexible enough that it'll allow you to pick two "minors" or orientations from any other field/degree; one of them will have to be art because that's what I had been doing so far. The other one can be anything from any other degree that my university offers--I thought that maybe something related to design, communications or marketing, something PRACTICAL, might be a wise choice, but then again, I don't even know what I want to do (what on earth does anyone do with a humanities degree anyways?) My current degree in art, instead, offers one "minor" as well. Tourism, journalism, marketing, art management, advertisement are some of them. Much like humanities, it can be anything that my uni offers. Still, I kind of feel like a fraud, because I never had a REAL interest in art in the first place, I think. Is it interesting? Absolutely. But being a walking dictionary is not something employers look for, they want people with practical skills. So, in short, I'm running out of time and have to decide what to do NOW. These are the three possibilities: !) If I go for humanities, I basically have two orientations on top of the degree, but no clear "area" that I'm capacitated in. 2)If I regret picking humanities, I could switch back to art, but I won't have the chance to have an orientation along with the art history degree anymore because I will have use up my electives. 3)If I stay in art, I have one orientation, but can't switch to humanities anymore. In any case, I don't know what the **** I'm doing. Any help is more than welcomed. Hope you have a good day.
  3. So my mother is the controlling kind; all my life she has always put down my father, constantly criticized him (I must admit, I did internalize my mother's beliefs about him for the longest time, even today). He was her scapegoat for everything that was wrong. On the other hand, my father was absent, unaffectionate, always quiet, and took on my mother's abuse, to some extent--they had furious fights regularly. He never brought any people home, we hardly new what he did, had cut off all contact with his side of his family (thanks to my mother). Because of my upbringing, I was constantly struggling to have her validation, which I never managed unless I was everything she expected from me. My father left home when I was 19. That was two years ago. So now I'm living with her. And I am now becoming my father. Her constant criticism and overbearing behaviour has cause me to shut off just like him; I don't want to talk to her, I despise her actually. Everything I do is wrong for her and nothing can ever please her. But today my therapist revealed something to me which is that if my feelings towards my mother were ONLY feelings on hatred, then I would have already found a way out of my house. But I haven't because I still feel some kind of "love", that is, if I hadn't internalized her and "child" me still didn't want to please her, I wouldn't still be living with her, I would have found a way out. Because she governed every single thing in my life, then what am I without her? But would I? Because of her overcontrolling nature, I never developed a sense of self, or independency, or initiative. I don't want anything. Objectively, I guess, I can get out, if I find a job. If the situation is so unbearable, why don't I just go? Because, in a way, it is comfortable? Am I escaping responsibility from my own life and my own actions by blaming her constantly, when I am legally able to get out? Am i a conformist?
  4. hello @dontsayaword. I am deeply sorry about what you went through and the bullying you were subjected to, you did nothing to deserve that. Don't lose hope. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you.
  5. Hi @Whostolemyfunny -- yes, that is definetely an issue, to pick which one you're gonna devote your life to. but as you pointed out it's not always so black-and-white and motivations change. my original question was more phIlosophical i guess, meaning that i don't understand how others find value in life in general, not only in their careers (although that could very much be a reason--i wouldn't know). Why pursue any goals, literally anything? How does anyone find anything important enough for themselves to aim at? Anything I ever "achieve" in the end is immediately followed by a feeling of futility. I don't know how to find anything that is important and meaningful to get me excited about life.
  6. It is hard to put into words, but... the prospect of "living life" is so foreign to me. Of doing something with my life. It just feels like chickening time while I'm around. Nothing truly motivates me to be stupidly passionate about and actively pursue. No dreams, no genuine interests, no life goals. In my head everything is inherently meaningless, so why even bother? I just don't understand how people decide to do anything at all, because in the end the same question always pops up: what for? Does anyone experience this sort of complete apathy towards life?
  7. Hi @Epictetus , thank you for your reply and reaching out in spite of not feeling well right now. Thank you for the compliment, but I think this is part of the problem. A little self-awareness is good, too much leads to extreme self-doubt instead of action. And pretending that I can control every single variable in my life and get the exact outcome I want is absurd--most things are just a matter of luck, or happenstance, and most things are beyond my control. There are still a lot of things I'm trying to work around about these issues so I apologize in advance if my answer is not entirely clear. Growing up I guess I would pay more attention to the things I was good at rather than the things that brought me joy (although the two sometimes coincided). Academic success was the way I got affirmation and the thing I founded my self worth with--physical affection among my family or parents was non-existent, and so the way I would get them to notice me and receive "love" was by excelling academically, just like I saw my sister do. I also grew up with a very controlling, intolerant, frightful mother, from whom I internalized that very same behaviour, so I was scolded quite harshly for mistakes, behaviours or grades deemed unacceptable by her. Instead of learning how to deal with failure or mistakes and be shown love in spite of them, I learned to hide them to avoid punishment. Plus, her controlling behaviour made me internalize the message that I am incapable and incompetent at making decisions of my own, so as a result I never developed any sense of self, that being the core problem: I have no idea of who the "real" me is, it is buried waaaay down somewhere under this alternative self I was forced to adopt--this fake self, the one that strives academically for validation, not for joy; and one that cannot let herself be any short of perfect--so how the hell am I to choose what to do with my life when I don't even know who I really am? This is why I am so torn about what to do with my major, or my career, because my next choice will probably be influenced by my "fake" self and, in the end, I won't feel gratified because in reality it is what my mother wants, not me. Yet I don't know what the "real" me wants, or who she is for that matter. And my inability to deal with failure is certainly not making things easier. Hopefully this makes some sense, if it doesn't please let me know. Hope you feel better soon x
  8. hello everyone. i was hoping that you could help me out since I'm going through a very confusing and overwhelming time. Basically I am having crippling doubts about my major choice (art history) and I am awfully scared of dropping out and starting all over again, mainly because I have already dropped out from another one and this would be my second time, whihch is just incredibly embarrassing. On top of that, nothing really assures me that this time I will make the right choice. I turned 21 years old four days ago and I feel, on the one hand, like I'm wasting my time by continuing this major, but on the other hand I already am in my second year and dropping out feels like a waste. Even if I did the latter, I don't know what else to pursue really--a couple years ago I did that with my first major pick, and basically ended up choosing my current one out of fear of wasting any more time and to get out of my house. my interests are more on the artistic/creative side--I love art, writing, reading, music, cinema/shows, and also the humanities (psychology/philosophy/history/english etc)--but i'm only proper-ish at art and have a sensible intuition when it comes to aesthetics, also a non-zero knowledge of music/languages (i'm a native spanish speaker). I also love comedy a lot since it involves creativity and intellectual work (and musical work in, well, musical comedy) but I can't even do oral presentations, let alone perform on a stage. the problem with creative careers is that most of the people who attain some level of success have had early training and development and already were/are doing things at my age, and because that's not my case I already feel like I'm too far behind and there is an irremediable gap between others and me that I will never be able to mend. maybe it was because of my upbringing, and the fact that i'm still quite naive and objectively young, but i feel like i should be doing something huge with my life. and if i don't become a world renowned artist, or performer, or writer, or director, or whatever, i am worthless--ridiculous, I know. ,aybe the reason why I need to feel so validated is because I never felt validated by my parents--I was always outshined by my naturally brilliant older sister, and could never be as good as her. And somewhere along the way I made myself believe that getting the world's validation will change that. ithe point is that I already feel too far behind everything to start so I am too embarrassed and ashamed to even start. And I'm also concerned that my drive to do those things does not come from a genuine place. Do you have any advice? thank you so much for reading.
  9. i should clarify i am a highly sensitive girl. these last month or so i have been such an emotional wreck, i have cried almost on a daily basis over the tiniest situations (which, to me, seem to matter a great deal). I don't feel i am articulate or smart enough to explain what's going on. i just don't want to live anymore and i'm scared to tell my therapist. my body wants to be constantly asleep to avoid the pain that i deal with all the time. i'm irritable and angry and mean to people when i try to be the exact opposite. when i do something wrong, i obsess over it and can't let it go, forgive myself and learn from it, i have no tools to do that. i just feel like the worst person ever and that i'm worthless and i deserve to die. i have realized that a lot of things that i criticize about my mother are behaviours that i copy myself and feel terribly guilty about it. i have no pillars to support me and have no methods to counteract these excessive and unreasonable emotional responses. I have been stuck like this for this long and i don't know how longer i can take it. i feel so stupid because i can't possibly think about reasons why i've become so intensely overwhelmed, and also because I have no idea how to overcome this. sorry for being so vague and incoherent i don't know how to express myself
  10. No, you should have a psychiatrist evaluate whether your son has to take antidepressants. As doctors, physicians can prescribe any medication, but antidepressants must be supervised by a psychiatrist and it is important that he is monitored by a specialist and not just by a physician. Before giving him anything, go see a psychiatrist, maybe more than one to listen to different opinions. There are many kinds of antidepressants and since not all of them work the same for all people, he must be checked regularly by a professional. If I were you, I'd drop that physician. It is not ideal for one to prescribe psychiatric medication.
  11. Have you considered getting a sleep study at a sleeping clinic? You stay overnight and they monitor your REM and non-REM sleep. I've done it and it's not painful or anything. Could be helpful. Take care x
  12. My mother is unable to recognize any responsibility for any wrongdoing, since, ever. She can never admit to being wrong and I would brush it off and ignore it, but I can't. It drives me insane. Last friday we got into a fight over a misinterpretation CLEARLY caused by her not wording things properly. She is convinced still that she was clear and it was MY fault for not getting what she said. i GOT SO WORKED UP, I screamed the worst insults at her. Yes, every single one. It's like all the previous times I never said anything just to avoid a fight, everything I kept muffled inside just came out and I swear I could have killed someone at that moment. And then she tried to make me feel guilty over my overreaction. I know it's not OK to react like that over a simple misunderstanding, but you have to understand that these have been accumulating. And I never said anything because I know that nothing, NOTHING will make her admit she's wrong. But i'm still left with this rage, with this impotence inside me, feeling unheard and like I'm always wrong. And I don't have the self-confidence to believe that I'm right, ever, so it backfires and I fall right into her trap: I believe that I am the one to blame. Talking with my therapist, she adviced me to talk to her and say why I overreacted; whether she listens to it or not is irrelevant. Because if I don't, the anger will brew inside and come out later in uglier ways, just like it did. Does anyone have any other advice for dealing with people like this? Thank you.
  13. my therapist confronted me yesterday for not acknowledging the heart of my problems and just always complaining about symptoms/feelings/emotions etc rather than wondering the real reason behind them. "Aren't you tired of this? You said you've been dealing with it for four years already--when are you going to see that those things you complain about are not the real issue?" She's right though so don't give her . It's true, but hurtful nonetheless because I end up feeling guilty about not getting to the bottom of the problem sooner and sort of "procrastinating" it with whatever else I spent time talking, crying about. I feel like I just wasted 4 years of my life doing nothing, because I am not better, and it is most likely my fault (whether i consciously decided to repress it, or was too dumb to realize the problem sooner). She was basically telling me that I have some responsibility on this and it is an insane blow to my ego. i told her that i did know the heart of the problem but i don't know how to fix it. She didn't believe me when I said I was aware of the heart of the problem. Therapists always expect me to "find out" and have some sort of epiphany and that is just never gonna happen because my depression is insanely stubborn. I don't know how to change my faulted, bleak perception towards myself and the world. I question it and question it but i have no practical knowledge on how to confront it. I need someone to tell me what to change. I don't know where i'm going with this. I just feel very guilty and stupid and a crybaby and p***** and embarrassed at myself and like I did everything wrong until this point.
  14. @Zanmorian @plastics @Epictetus @Nisemono@ladysmurf @uncertain @indigoblue @rainingviolets @Otres 1 Thank you everyone for responding to this thread. I've been having very rough days and have hardly managed to keep up with basic responsibilities. I'll try to reply as soon as possible. Thanks once again, sending love your way xx
  15. I struggle too much with the meaninglessness of life. I think it's called "existential intelligence". I am cynical and I hate that about myself. Also highly sensitive, which is onoe of the worst combinations ever, because I feel the pain too deeply. I don't know what I'm alive for. I don't understand what life is about. I feel detached from the world around me and disconnected from people. Neither do I have a reason to wake up in the morning, I mean a true reason behind the banal things in life for basic survival. I need to change this. How do you guys find meaning in your life? How do you assure yourself that life matters and you are valuable and deserving when, in the grand scheme of things, we are tiny spectacles in a floating rock?
  16. Hello there and welcome to DF. Your situation sounds way too familiar. I would give you advice but I have done poorly myself as well. Could you expand a little bit more on this?:
  17. Yep, sounds just like me. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Unfortunately the uselessness and meaninglessness are what make this all so much worse, because if I had a reason to keep on trying then at least there's that. I've been seeing therapists/psychiatrists for over 4 years now but only recently have I realized this about me. I don't know if at this point there is hope for me. I think that some things personality-wise develop in your early life and there is just no way of changing them past a certain point? I might be wrong. And also, yes, you nailed it: I do need a lot of help learning to live life. I just don't get it. I don't even understand why live it in the first place. I feel completely stranged from it. How did you find what you wanted from life? Also, have you tried therapy yourself? I don't think you're too old to seek help and it could actually help you to dig deeper into the roots of your discomfort. Oh, and happy birthday!
  18. @20YearsandCounting yes i pretty much lack any sense of self worth, but another part of me thinks that i'm better than most people? I don't know, it's weird and I'm torn because I hate this arrogant part of me and I do make an effort to care about others but I don't know if I do it out of selflessness or to feel better about myself. So I'm basically trapped in a paradox. And another part of me insists that nothing is worth trying because in the end I'm going to die and what does it matter anyways? I'll never be good enough and I'm not deserving of anything because i'm a terrible person.
  19. @IamWish I'm sorry that you're going through something similar. I don't like drawing attention either, but it's sort of impossible to go through life without interacting with someone at some point, so just in case, I try to present myself as best as humanly possible all the time (and even "my best" feels extremely flawed). I doubt anyone would like me without all these coats of make up and fake "confidence". I am too much of a mess inside. I really do hope that at one point we find someone we can be ourselves with. Stay strong x
  20. I wake up every morning having to face the mirror and glance at my deeply flawed, naked self. Disgusted by my looks, I do my hair to fit my face frame with as much dedication as a professional stylist, i do my make up and cover my flaws as best as i can. I put on a stylish outfit and heels that hurt. I leave the house, and so the play begins. Walking on the streets, I feel like all eyes are on me, judging, and I have to present my best self. I have to make strangers look at me and think "wow, look at that girl". Among friends, I have to be bubbly! and funny! and just the happiest person to be around!! And also be caring and supportive. Keep fluent conversation and say funny anecdotes, show how interesting I am but also showing interest in what they have to say too. At school, I have to be collected, bright, and make the most intelligent remarks. I have to get the best grades and be effortlessly talented at everything I do. That my life is just as perfect as I make them believe. That I am everything they want to be. I can't let anyone see I'm faulted, that i'm actually incredibly sad and I see no future ahead of me. That I have no real sense of self, that I struggle to connect with people, and feel disembodied from reality. That I dwell on mistakes and other people's impressions of me for too long. That I don't feel like I'm a good person at all and I'm too self centered. That I might be incapable of empathy. Life has become a performance, and I am just completely out of touch with myself. I struggle so hard to be this super human, but underneath all of it, there's nothing.
  21. this is EXACTLY my fear!! that even if i move out physically i willl have "her" inside my head. and she has nested so deeply in there that basically she already became a part of me. My psychiatrist says that that emotional separation will be by far harder to overcome than the physical one. Especially since I've been conditioned and, consequently, have conditioned myself to reject any positive remark, accomplishment or achievement, and have deemed myself unworthy of being loved. I think that in order for any emotional separation to take place i have to have a stronger self-esteem, but i automatically dismiss the thought that i'm any good because i feel it's a pathway towards becoming an egomaniac like my mother :(
  22. I'm glad you're both on a better place in spite of all, it was very brave. how controlling were they? do you still keep in touch with them? i'm really scared that her controlling behaviours have f*cked me up so bad i just will never be able to overcome all the mental issues they have brought me.
  23. @Epictetus thank you for such an insightful reply. The honoring myself part and recognizing my victories, as all these years have proven, has been the most difficult part because I was never taught to be proud of my achievements. if I got an A, for instance, I'd be asked "why not an A+?". I never learned to be proud of myself. Any "accomplishment" of my own i achieved through overwhelming self-loathing. that's how it has always been. it is the only way i get things done because it is how i was taught, and the idea of feeling proud of myself or celebrating my hard work makes me feel like an egomaniac and narcissist--which my mother is and i cringe at the thought of ever being like her, just incapable of thinking she ever does anything wrong. I liked the war strategy metaphor, but coincidentally, the problem is that the slightest barrier drives her insane. she doesn't want any, ANY, boundaries between us. her insecurities make her want to control absolutely everything and as a result i have no privacy, constant paranoias and fear of her. and when i try to put some boundaries, i am told just how selfish, incompetent and childlish i am, and it only upsets her more and gives her more reasons to do her. I'm sorry, i had therapy with her today and i am really upset and can't stop crying about this. i know i'm not the only one going through this, but i feel too helpless and like i just can't be saved.
  24. how did you guys do it? i meant to say that i've been convinced all my life about how incapable of doing anything on my own i am and i don't think i will ever be convinced otherwise
  25. my therapists didn't even tell me i should move out. only now, mainly bc i am pretty secluded from the world and i'm constantly treated like a child, am i realizing i actually can leave this house, which is just insane if you are a 20 year old. i feel very frustrated about it and like there is no hope for me to get past all this conditioning.
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