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museumgirl

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  1. my therapist confronted me yesterday for not acknowledging the heart of my problems and just always complaining about symptoms/feelings/emotions etc rather than wondering the real reason behind them. "Aren't you tired of this? You said you've been dealing with it for four years already--when are you going to see that those things you complain about are not the real issue?" She's right though so don't give her . It's true, but hurtful nonetheless because I end up feeling guilty about not getting to the bottom of the problem sooner and sort of "procrastinating" it with whatever else I spent time talking, crying about. I feel like I just wasted 4 years of my life doing nothing, because I am not better, and it is most likely my fault (whether i consciously decided to repress it, or was too dumb to realize the problem sooner). She was basically telling me that I have some responsibility on this and it is an insane blow to my ego. i told her that i did know the heart of the problem but i don't know how to fix it. She didn't believe me when I said I was aware of the heart of the problem. Therapists always expect me to "find out" and have some sort of epiphany and that is just never gonna happen because my depression is insanely stubborn. I don't know how to change my faulted, bleak perception towards myself and the world. I question it and question it but i have no practical knowledge on how to confront it. I need someone to tell me what to change. I don't know where i'm going with this. I just feel very guilty and stupid and a crybaby and p***** and embarrassed at myself and like I did everything wrong until this point.
  2. life philosophy for the depressed?

    @Zanmorian @plastics @Epictetus @Nisemono@ladysmurf @uncertain @indigoblue @rainingviolets @Otres 1 Thank you everyone for responding to this thread. I've been having very rough days and have hardly managed to keep up with basic responsibilities. I'll try to reply as soon as possible. Thanks once again, sending love your way xx
  3. I struggle too much with the meaninglessness of life. I think it's called "existential intelligence". I am cynical and I hate that about myself. Also highly sensitive, which is onoe of the worst combinations ever, because I feel the pain too deeply. I don't know what I'm alive for. I don't understand what life is about. I feel detached from the world around me and disconnected from people. Neither do I have a reason to wake up in the morning, I mean a true reason behind the banal things in life for basic survival. I need to change this. How do you guys find meaning in your life? How do you assure yourself that life matters and you are valuable and deserving when, in the grand scheme of things, we are tiny spectacles in a floating rock?
  4. Nothing Works...

    Hello there and welcome to DF. Your situation sounds way too familiar. I would give you advice but I have done poorly myself as well. Could you expand a little bit more on this?:
  5. life feels like a performance

    Yep, sounds just like me. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Unfortunately the uselessness and meaninglessness are what make this all so much worse, because if I had a reason to keep on trying then at least there's that. I've been seeing therapists/psychiatrists for over 4 years now but only recently have I realized this about me. I don't know if at this point there is hope for me. I think that some things personality-wise develop in your early life and there is just no way of changing them past a certain point? I might be wrong. And also, yes, you nailed it: I do need a lot of help learning to live life. I just don't get it. I don't even understand why live it in the first place. I feel completely stranged from it. How did you find what you wanted from life? Also, have you tried therapy yourself? I don't think you're too old to seek help and it could actually help you to dig deeper into the roots of your discomfort. Oh, and happy birthday!
  6. life feels like a performance

    @20YearsandCounting yes i pretty much lack any sense of self worth, but another part of me thinks that i'm better than most people? I don't know, it's weird and I'm torn because I hate this arrogant part of me and I do make an effort to care about others but I don't know if I do it out of selflessness or to feel better about myself. So I'm basically trapped in a paradox. And another part of me insists that nothing is worth trying because in the end I'm going to die and what does it matter anyways? I'll never be good enough and I'm not deserving of anything because i'm a terrible person.
  7. life feels like a performance

    @IamWish I'm sorry that you're going through something similar. I don't like drawing attention either, but it's sort of impossible to go through life without interacting with someone at some point, so just in case, I try to present myself as best as humanly possible all the time (and even "my best" feels extremely flawed). I doubt anyone would like me without all these coats of make up and fake "confidence". I am too much of a mess inside. I really do hope that at one point we find someone we can be ourselves with. Stay strong x
  8. I wake up every morning having to face the mirror and glance at my deeply flawed, naked self. Disgusted by my looks, I do my hair to fit my face frame with as much dedication as a professional stylist, i do my make up and cover my flaws as best as i can. I put on a stylish outfit and heels that hurt. I leave the house, and so the play begins. Walking on the streets, I feel like all eyes are on me, judging, and I have to present my best self. I have to make strangers look at me and think "wow, look at that girl". Among friends, I have to be bubbly! and funny! and just the happiest person to be around!! And also be caring and supportive. Keep fluent conversation and say funny anecdotes, show how interesting I am but also showing interest in what they have to say too. At school, I have to be collected, bright, and make the most intelligent remarks. I have to get the best grades and be effortlessly talented at everything I do. That my life is just as perfect as I make them believe. That I am everything they want to be. I can't let anyone see I'm faulted, that i'm actually incredibly sad and I see no future ahead of me. That I have no real sense of self, that I struggle to connect with people, and feel disembodied from reality. That I dwell on mistakes and other people's impressions of me for too long. That I don't feel like I'm a good person at all and I'm too self centered. That I might be incapable of empathy. Life has become a performance, and I am just completely out of touch with myself. I struggle so hard to be this super human, but underneath all of it, there's nothing.
  9. this is EXACTLY my fear!! that even if i move out physically i willl have "her" inside my head. and she has nested so deeply in there that basically she already became a part of me. My psychiatrist says that that emotional separation will be by far harder to overcome than the physical one. Especially since I've been conditioned and, consequently, have conditioned myself to reject any positive remark, accomplishment or achievement, and have deemed myself unworthy of being loved. I think that in order for any emotional separation to take place i have to have a stronger self-esteem, but i automatically dismiss the thought that i'm any good because i feel it's a pathway towards becoming an egomaniac like my mother :(
  10. I'm glad you're both on a better place in spite of all, it was very brave. how controlling were they? do you still keep in touch with them? i'm really scared that her controlling behaviours have f*cked me up so bad i just will never be able to overcome all the mental issues they have brought me.
  11. @Epictetus thank you for such an insightful reply. The honoring myself part and recognizing my victories, as all these years have proven, has been the most difficult part because I was never taught to be proud of my achievements. if I got an A, for instance, I'd be asked "why not an A+?". I never learned to be proud of myself. Any "accomplishment" of my own i achieved through overwhelming self-loathing. that's how it has always been. it is the only way i get things done because it is how i was taught, and the idea of feeling proud of myself or celebrating my hard work makes me feel like an egomaniac and narcissist--which my mother is and i cringe at the thought of ever being like her, just incapable of thinking she ever does anything wrong. I liked the war strategy metaphor, but coincidentally, the problem is that the slightest barrier drives her insane. she doesn't want any, ANY, boundaries between us. her insecurities make her want to control absolutely everything and as a result i have no privacy, constant paranoias and fear of her. and when i try to put some boundaries, i am told just how selfish, incompetent and childlish i am, and it only upsets her more and gives her more reasons to do her. I'm sorry, i had therapy with her today and i am really upset and can't stop crying about this. i know i'm not the only one going through this, but i feel too helpless and like i just can't be saved.
  12. how did you guys do it? i meant to say that i've been convinced all my life about how incapable of doing anything on my own i am and i don't think i will ever be convinced otherwise
  13. my therapists didn't even tell me i should move out. only now, mainly bc i am pretty secluded from the world and i'm constantly treated like a child, am i realizing i actually can leave this house, which is just insane if you are a 20 year old. i feel very frustrated about it and like there is no hope for me to get past all this conditioning.
  14. I'm 20 years old, still live with my mother. she is the root of most of my mental illness, mainly because she is incredibly controlling and will never accept that she is doing anything wrong. Even though i'm an "adult", to her (in the delightful words of my psychiatrist) i'm a twelve year old girl who still hasn't gotten her period and is completely incapable of doing anything on her own. every single little thing has to go through her filter. what places i go, what people i see, what time i can leave, which means of transportation, etc. hell, she even goes to all my psychiatry appts as if i was a child!! i can't go see a doctor on my own either (she took away my healthcare card bc "i can't just see any doctor what are you crazy?!?"she doesn't seem to realize that i deserve privacy either, because she just bursts in my room, checks my social media obsessively, goes through all my stuff, etc. ok, maybe when i was 16--when i was technically underaged, but my friends would still noticed her overwhelming and controlling behaviours even then--, but now I'm freaking 20, and i'm just realizing that i can do whatever i want. and her excuses are all guilt trips to keep me locked in my home and under her watch: "as long as you live under this roof..." "what are you out of your mind?", and the worst one: "you can't do that" why not? "because i say so"-- when my friends tell me "well just leave anyways and do it" and i tell them i can't it's... so fuxking embarrassing, and her guilt trips stop me from ever asking anything. her overcontrolling nature has, as you might have guessed, conduced me into doing some really "dangerous" things, like binge drinking and smoking and taking pills and whatever i could get to numb the pain and frustration of having my freedom taken away from me. one of the worsts was a time i got home and passed out on the toilet from drinking too much(according to her i might have died if she didn't find me, which i would have not mind at all tbh) and she uses that as a justification of her control (under the euphemism that i'm "impulsive"), because under her eyes i still have to be taken care of because i'm not trustworthy and i do messed up . i don't know what to do anymore. i can't believe i'm twenty years old and i'm saying this. i'm so freaking embarrassed and helpless i want to die.
  15. dont do anything all day

    in my country we don't have minors/majors. university degrees are licenciates and availability varies from uni to uni--i will most likely have to wait til next year if i want to change it. i don't know if i would become a teacher tbh. the overwhelming problem to me is that i just don't know what i want to become. i'm slowly realizing that i will most likely be working in something completely unrrelated with my interests and will most likely have to settle for that. i would work harder to find a job/study something if i knew what i wanted to become but... i just don't know. objectively, i could become a teacher, or just about anything really, but inside me i'm like "what for? what will i achieve doing that? what good is it anyways? what difference will it make?" and the answer is always "nothing"