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  1. i should clarify i am a highly sensitive girl. these last month or so i have been such an emotional wreck, i have cried almost on a daily basis over the tiniest situations (which, to me, seem to matter a great deal). I don't feel i am articulate or smart enough to explain what's going on. i just don't want to live anymore and i'm scared to tell my therapist. my body wants to be constantly asleep to avoid the pain that i deal with all the time. i'm irritable and angry and mean to people when i try to be the exact opposite. when i do something wrong, i obsess over it and can't let it go, forgive myself and learn from it, i have no tools to do that. i just feel like the worst person ever and that i'm worthless and i deserve to die. i have realized that a lot of things that i criticize about my mother are behaviours that i copy myself and feel terribly guilty about it. i have no pillars to support me and have no methods to counteract these excessive and unreasonable emotional responses. I have been stuck like this for this long and i don't know how longer i can take it. i feel so stupid because i can't possibly think about reasons why i've become so intensely overwhelmed, and also because I have no idea how to overcome this. sorry for being so vague and incoherent i don't know how to express myself
  2. Who should prescribe Anti Depressants?

    No, you should have a psychiatrist evaluate whether your son has to take antidepressants. As doctors, physicians can prescribe any medication, but antidepressants must be supervised by a psychiatrist and it is important that he is monitored by a specialist and not just by a physician. Before giving him anything, go see a psychiatrist, maybe more than one to listen to different opinions. There are many kinds of antidepressants and since not all of them work the same for all people, he must be checked regularly by a professional. If I were you, I'd drop that physician. It is not ideal for one to prescribe psychiatric medication.
  3. Depression and Fatigue

    Have you considered getting a sleep study at a sleeping clinic? You stay overnight and they monitor your REM and non-REM sleep. I've done it and it's not painful or anything. Could be helpful. Take care x
  4. My mother is unable to recognize any responsibility for any wrongdoing, since, ever. She can never admit to being wrong and I would brush it off and ignore it, but I can't. It drives me insane. Last friday we got into a fight over a misinterpretation CLEARLY caused by her not wording things properly. She is convinced still that she was clear and it was MY fault for not getting what she said. i GOT SO WORKED UP, I screamed the worst insults at her. Yes, every single one. It's like all the previous times I never said anything just to avoid a fight, everything I kept muffled inside just came out and I swear I could have killed someone at that moment. And then she tried to make me feel guilty over my overreaction. I know it's not OK to react like that over a simple misunderstanding, but you have to understand that these have been accumulating. And I never said anything because I know that nothing, NOTHING will make her admit she's wrong. But i'm still left with this rage, with this impotence inside me, feeling unheard and like I'm always wrong. And I don't have the self-confidence to believe that I'm right, ever, so it backfires and I fall right into her trap: I believe that I am the one to blame. Talking with my therapist, she adviced me to talk to her and say why I overreacted; whether she listens to it or not is irrelevant. Because if I don't, the anger will brew inside and come out later in uglier ways, just like it did. Does anyone have any other advice for dealing with people like this? Thank you.
  5. my therapist confronted me yesterday for not acknowledging the heart of my problems and just always complaining about symptoms/feelings/emotions etc rather than wondering the real reason behind them. "Aren't you tired of this? You said you've been dealing with it for four years already--when are you going to see that those things you complain about are not the real issue?" She's right though so don't give her . It's true, but hurtful nonetheless because I end up feeling guilty about not getting to the bottom of the problem sooner and sort of "procrastinating" it with whatever else I spent time talking, crying about. I feel like I just wasted 4 years of my life doing nothing, because I am not better, and it is most likely my fault (whether i consciously decided to repress it, or was too dumb to realize the problem sooner). She was basically telling me that I have some responsibility on this and it is an insane blow to my ego. i told her that i did know the heart of the problem but i don't know how to fix it. She didn't believe me when I said I was aware of the heart of the problem. Therapists always expect me to "find out" and have some sort of epiphany and that is just never gonna happen because my depression is insanely stubborn. I don't know how to change my faulted, bleak perception towards myself and the world. I question it and question it but i have no practical knowledge on how to confront it. I need someone to tell me what to change. I don't know where i'm going with this. I just feel very guilty and stupid and a crybaby and p***** and embarrassed at myself and like I did everything wrong until this point.
  6. life philosophy for the depressed?

    @Zanmorian @plastics @Epictetus @Nisemono@ladysmurf @uncertain @indigoblue @rainingviolets @Otres 1 Thank you everyone for responding to this thread. I've been having very rough days and have hardly managed to keep up with basic responsibilities. I'll try to reply as soon as possible. Thanks once again, sending love your way xx
  7. I struggle too much with the meaninglessness of life. I think it's called "existential intelligence". I am cynical and I hate that about myself. Also highly sensitive, which is onoe of the worst combinations ever, because I feel the pain too deeply. I don't know what I'm alive for. I don't understand what life is about. I feel detached from the world around me and disconnected from people. Neither do I have a reason to wake up in the morning, I mean a true reason behind the banal things in life for basic survival. I need to change this. How do you guys find meaning in your life? How do you assure yourself that life matters and you are valuable and deserving when, in the grand scheme of things, we are tiny spectacles in a floating rock?
  8. Nothing Works...

    Hello there and welcome to DF. Your situation sounds way too familiar. I would give you advice but I have done poorly myself as well. Could you expand a little bit more on this?:
  9. life feels like a performance

    Yep, sounds just like me. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Unfortunately the uselessness and meaninglessness are what make this all so much worse, because if I had a reason to keep on trying then at least there's that. I've been seeing therapists/psychiatrists for over 4 years now but only recently have I realized this about me. I don't know if at this point there is hope for me. I think that some things personality-wise develop in your early life and there is just no way of changing them past a certain point? I might be wrong. And also, yes, you nailed it: I do need a lot of help learning to live life. I just don't get it. I don't even understand why live it in the first place. I feel completely stranged from it. How did you find what you wanted from life? Also, have you tried therapy yourself? I don't think you're too old to seek help and it could actually help you to dig deeper into the roots of your discomfort. Oh, and happy birthday!
  10. life feels like a performance

    @20YearsandCounting yes i pretty much lack any sense of self worth, but another part of me thinks that i'm better than most people? I don't know, it's weird and I'm torn because I hate this arrogant part of me and I do make an effort to care about others but I don't know if I do it out of selflessness or to feel better about myself. So I'm basically trapped in a paradox. And another part of me insists that nothing is worth trying because in the end I'm going to die and what does it matter anyways? I'll never be good enough and I'm not deserving of anything because i'm a terrible person.
  11. life feels like a performance

    @IamWish I'm sorry that you're going through something similar. I don't like drawing attention either, but it's sort of impossible to go through life without interacting with someone at some point, so just in case, I try to present myself as best as humanly possible all the time (and even "my best" feels extremely flawed). I doubt anyone would like me without all these coats of make up and fake "confidence". I am too much of a mess inside. I really do hope that at one point we find someone we can be ourselves with. Stay strong x
  12. I wake up every morning having to face the mirror and glance at my deeply flawed, naked self. Disgusted by my looks, I do my hair to fit my face frame with as much dedication as a professional stylist, i do my make up and cover my flaws as best as i can. I put on a stylish outfit and heels that hurt. I leave the house, and so the play begins. Walking on the streets, I feel like all eyes are on me, judging, and I have to present my best self. I have to make strangers look at me and think "wow, look at that girl". Among friends, I have to be bubbly! and funny! and just the happiest person to be around!! And also be caring and supportive. Keep fluent conversation and say funny anecdotes, show how interesting I am but also showing interest in what they have to say too. At school, I have to be collected, bright, and make the most intelligent remarks. I have to get the best grades and be effortlessly talented at everything I do. That my life is just as perfect as I make them believe. That I am everything they want to be. I can't let anyone see I'm faulted, that i'm actually incredibly sad and I see no future ahead of me. That I have no real sense of self, that I struggle to connect with people, and feel disembodied from reality. That I dwell on mistakes and other people's impressions of me for too long. That I don't feel like I'm a good person at all and I'm too self centered. That I might be incapable of empathy. Life has become a performance, and I am just completely out of touch with myself. I struggle so hard to be this super human, but underneath all of it, there's nothing.
  13. this is EXACTLY my fear!! that even if i move out physically i willl have "her" inside my head. and she has nested so deeply in there that basically she already became a part of me. My psychiatrist says that that emotional separation will be by far harder to overcome than the physical one. Especially since I've been conditioned and, consequently, have conditioned myself to reject any positive remark, accomplishment or achievement, and have deemed myself unworthy of being loved. I think that in order for any emotional separation to take place i have to have a stronger self-esteem, but i automatically dismiss the thought that i'm any good because i feel it's a pathway towards becoming an egomaniac like my mother :(
  14. I'm glad you're both on a better place in spite of all, it was very brave. how controlling were they? do you still keep in touch with them? i'm really scared that her controlling behaviours have f*cked me up so bad i just will never be able to overcome all the mental issues they have brought me.
  15. @Epictetus thank you for such an insightful reply. The honoring myself part and recognizing my victories, as all these years have proven, has been the most difficult part because I was never taught to be proud of my achievements. if I got an A, for instance, I'd be asked "why not an A+?". I never learned to be proud of myself. Any "accomplishment" of my own i achieved through overwhelming self-loathing. that's how it has always been. it is the only way i get things done because it is how i was taught, and the idea of feeling proud of myself or celebrating my hard work makes me feel like an egomaniac and narcissist--which my mother is and i cringe at the thought of ever being like her, just incapable of thinking she ever does anything wrong. I liked the war strategy metaphor, but coincidentally, the problem is that the slightest barrier drives her insane. she doesn't want any, ANY, boundaries between us. her insecurities make her want to control absolutely everything and as a result i have no privacy, constant paranoias and fear of her. and when i try to put some boundaries, i am told just how selfish, incompetent and childlish i am, and it only upsets her more and gives her more reasons to do her. I'm sorry, i had therapy with her today and i am really upset and can't stop crying about this. i know i'm not the only one going through this, but i feel too helpless and like i just can't be saved.