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  1. That's good and relieving to hear. I don't feel as guilty anymore. Thank you.
  2. A while ago I posted about calling in sick due to depression. It happened again today, but this time it was worse. I woke up feeling extremely low. I couldn't even bring myself to get myself ready for work, I just wanted to stay in bed. I tried to force myself, I really tried very hard, but it did not work. My only option was to call in sick. And now I'm feeling extremely guilty for it. I wouldn't say I have chronic depression. On a typical day I'm feeling just a little low, and it does affect my performance during the day (not just at work, but at home too), but it normally doesn't get to the point that it got today. I can't really understand what's happening to me. I'm not chronically depressed, I would say I have mild depression, yet on some days like today I can't function at all. I keep obsessively fearing being fired from work, even though I just received a raise not long ago! Calling in sick when I'm not physically sick makes this fear worse. And the worst part about all this is that my boss will see me tomorrow in good physical shape with no signs of illness. How will he ever believe me? He will think it was just an excuse. I can't bring myself to open up to him about this issue. I just needed to get this off my chest to people who understand this issue. Do you think I should feel guilty? Did I do something wrong by calling in sick even though I failed to get myself out of bed in the morning?
  3. I called in sick to work today. This is the second time this happens since I've started this job 6 months ago. I was feeling very depressed and couldn't get myself out of bed. I told my boss I have a very strong headache. I don't know what to say when I show up tomorrow and he asks me what was wrong. It's obviously a lie that I have a headache, and when I show up tomorrow looking perfectly fine I'm afraid he'll know I was lying, because he can't see the depression and even if he did I don't see why he should care or regard it as real illness (because unless it's physical then to most people you're not really sick, which is pretty sad when I think about it). Do you think it's ok to call in sick because of depression and when you really struggle to get out of bed with no motivation whatsoever?
  4. @lonelyforeigner So are you saying that he will forever have the video? I can't bear this thought. I'm shocked to know there's a zero chance of success from that organization. They didn't ask me to pay for now and told me unless they're successful, they won't charge me anything. As for the police, I have read they have permission to ask Facebook for the IP address of certain accounts. If they can then they can discover his identity. Can't I sue him if they manage to find him? They are currently looking into this as I reported the incident right away. And regarding social media, I have already deactivated my accounts. Will I ever be able to use them again though? Also you mentioned it's risky for them to share the video. What kind of risk do they run? I can't stand the thought that this filthy animal has something private of me that he can share wherever he wants. And worst of all he might have it forever. I'm not sure I can live with this thought. My mother, brothers and cousin also knew of the incident. I can't even look them in the eye anymore. In fact, I can't look anyone in the eye anymore. I feel totally worthless.
  5. I made a grave mistake that I'm not sure can be corrected. A stranger from another country tricked me into a video chat on Facebook, disguising as a female, and before long you can guess where the conversation led. He now has a video of me and threatened to send it to my family (not sure where else he's planing to share it) if I don't pay him. I did not pay him and went straight to the police and hired an organization that deals with these types of issues. They say they can hack into his device, delete the video and prevent him from sending it over the network. They say there's a 70% chance of success, but somehow I'm having a hard time believing them. Now after I've told my story, this is making me really worried and depressing me further. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if he did share it. I feel like the only reason this happened to me is because I've never had a girlfriend and carelessly jumped at the opportunity. I feel really stupid and worthless. I've been embarrassed of talking to other people knowing that I did something horrible like this. I just hope they don't see the video, I would never leave the house ever again if this happens. I promise that if the issue gets resolved I'll call this piece of filth and give him a piece of my mind. For now I was asked by the police to cut all contact with him. I just don't know how someone has the capacity of doing something horrible like this, especially to vulnerable people. I feel like I need to get this out of my system as I've been thinking about it non-stop. I'm not eating nor sleeping well because of this. My performance at work went down, and I can't do anything because I can't stop thinking about it. I've talked to a therapist and I'm going to start seeing him because I'm also having suicidal thoughts. I can't bear the thought that a bag of garbage of a person has something private of me that he can use to hurt me or possibly ruin my life. I can't bear this thought! This matter is driving me crazy. I can't believe I did this. And I'm a fully grown adult! I now have an even lower self esteem than I've always had.
  6. I haven't posted here in a while, because I felt I'm being a burden to be honest. I just can't keep this stuff to myself anymore. I need to let it out and because I don't have a therapist and my family and friends don't understand, there's literally no other place for me to talk about these things than here. So this has been going on for too long. I've been very depressed for over a year now. I'm still functioning somehow, but I do feel like I'm underachieving. I spend valuable time feeling depressed that I could be spending doing something else. I just went through a training course and I'm probably getting my dream job. I should be jumping with happiness right now, yet I'm sitting here feeling really depressed and even having suicidal thoughts at times. I was considering reviewing some material before the job starts, and I should have an unusual amount of motivation right now. Yet I'm not at all motivated. Every time I think about reviewing the material, I get to it, do so for a short amount of time and then immediately lose focus and motivation. I don't know what to do with myself. I truly don't know what to do with myself anymore. Nothing, literally nothing is making me happy. I thought a decent job is going to make me the happiest person ever, yet I'm still as depressed as ever. As some of you may know from my previous posts, I'm also struggling with women and passing my driving test. I still think having those things would make me happy, but after this, I'm just not sure. I don't know what I'm asking here. Just venting I guess and sharing my feelings.
  7. I just quit my job in rage less than an hour ago. I've been extremely depressed for a long time and have been forcing myself to go to that damn pizza job for a long time too. I've had enough. There was an argument among the employees and it ended up in shouting and whatnot, and the assistant manager who's 5 years younger than me once again dared to raise his voice in my face. I told him to shove the restaurant and to find someone else, and left in the middle of my shift. I don't regret quitting as I've been wanting to quit for a long time but I kept listening to others not to quit unless I have another job lined up. I get benefits and saved up a little of money on the side, and I live with my mother. So I should be able to survive until I get into my field (programming). I've promised myself not to seek any other similar kind of jobs until I get where I want. I've endured enough disrespect and felt enough shame for doing a teenager job.
  8. I don't have many hopes from life anymore, but still I hope that what you think is true. Well I'm now technically in my late 20s. I don't believe that few are not worried about having a career, or the only reason they're not worried is because they actually do have a career. I'm way, way too far behind. It's too late for me, and there's no way in hell I'm going to catch. I feel like there's literally no solution. People have been telling me I'm young since forever. 26 is definitely not that young not to have a career. It may be young for other things like being a president for example, but it's too late for someone to still not have a career at this age.
  9. I know my posts are probably getting annoying by now. My last post got no replies at all. Maybe it's because I keep talking about the same stuff. That's how much it's affecting my life. I honestly don't understand what I've been doing wrong in my life to be such a failure. All I want is to have a career, but here I am, at the age of 26 (almost) and working in fast food. I'm working in fast food at 26! You can't imagine how ashamed of myself I feel. I've been trying to google stuff like "26 never had a career" just so I could find people in my position, but all I get is posts like, "How to change careers at X age." It implies that almost nobody has the same issue as I do. Everyone basically has a career but me. I don't get where I went wrong. I went to college for a degree equivalent to an associate's (this specific type of diploma is specific to my country), but 2 years later and I still can't get a job in the field that I studied (software engineering). I'm currently interviewing for a position (it's preceded by 3 months training, which you get paid to do). Basically a number of people will do the training, and the best will be picked for different positions at the company. I'm confident in my abilities, but somehow I don't have much hope that this would actually work. I'm not even able to enjoy this opportunity. I feel like such a failure for having to do a 3 month course for a possibility of a job (nothing is guaranteed, the interviewer was flat out honest). I want to quit my job so bad in order to focus on improving my skills for improved chances at finding a job. Even though I know this is probably the right thing to do, I can't get myself to quit, despite my job stressing and depressing me like hell and despite the associated feelings of shame.
  10. I think I've lived enough. 26 years is enough. I don't see why anyone would want more than that, especially when their life sucks. I'm really sorry. I know I must be really annoying, I just can't take my life anymore.
  11. Since I woke up today I can't help or do anything but feel miserable and cry (I almost never cry). I'm supposed to be preparing for an interview for a course this Monday, at a company which can eventually land me a job at the company, which would be better than my current fast food job that I hate. It's not my dream job (and I've been preparing for that for a while), but at least it's something better than my current job until I get there. But, I just can't focus. I can't for the life of me focus on studying and preparing for the interview, which is going to be a technical one and not being prepared won't help. It's really damn hard to study while you're crying. I'm not saying this so you would feel sorry for me, and I don't want anyone to take pity on me. If the thing with the course doesn't work, then I'll still be stuck with my current job. I don't know for how much longer I can do the job. I've been unable to focus at work for a while now and I just don't feel like meeting anybody anymore. But instead I have to go to work and force myself to smile and greet everyone. My depression has been gradually getting worse. I failed to take it seriously when it was still mild and didn't pay much attention to it when it started getting worse. Now it's becoming unbearable and an obstacle and I can't do much about it. I'm almost 26 and I can't afford the time required for treatment when I'm still trying to make a future for myself. Even this doesn't seem to be working. Who am I kidding by "working towards my future?" I'm never going to be a successful person anyway, I'm sure of that. I've been fantasizing about how I'm going to end my life. It's starting to seem this is the only solution. I lost a relative to suicide a while ago and posted about it and how I'm never going to do it. Though honestly I now see why my relative ended his life, because it was the only solution. I don't have the time to succeed. I'm not young anymore and "succeeding" would take god knows how long, and then of course it will fail like every single thing I do in my life. P.S.: In case you're wondering what all this "dream job" stuff I'm babbling about, it's related to the tech world. I have a certificate related to software engineering (which is what qualified me for this course in the first place), and the "dream job" I'm talking about is in web development. The jobs the course could land me are not in web development, but still in a similar field and anyway surely better than my current low wage s***ty job.
  12. I did not say I prefer to go to college, I just said I'm studying by myself online (from courses and books, and also doing personal projects). Even if I wanted to go college, there's no way I can afford it now. Even if I do go, I won't be done before I'm 30, by then it would be far too late to hope for a good future/career/life. The students who had jobs on the side were probably 18 years old. Having a fast food job is appropriate for a teenager, but certainly not for someone in his mid 20's. My hope is to have a software developer job before I'm 27. I actually have some official training too, but no degree. I'm hoping that this combined with my current online studies will help. See? It's not like I'm completely unskilled, and this makes me feel worse and makes me wonder if I'm indeed devoid of any kind of skills, and maybe I'm just fooling myself that I can change my life for the better. Yes, I am ashamed of where I am in life. Anyone in my situation would feel the same. Don't believe me? I once asked on Reddit if anyone was willing to take a minimum or low wage job. Guess how many said would? Zero, out of like 30 people who responded. I've come to the conclusion that I belong to a very, very small minority. I mean people 25 years old and older doing teenager jobs. They must be lower than 1% of the world's population, if not virtually non-existent. A therapist might be able to help, but not with this particular feeling. The only thing that can help me feel better about my work life is to actually have one, a career, instead of being a loser and doing a job even a teenager might take shame in. I'm going to quit, that's it. I can't live with this feeling anymore.
  13. I worked so hard at my current job to be promoted to shift manager with a meager few pennies for a raise, I'm surely not going to find another job for better pay. If I had a college degree then I would have some hope, but as it stands now, my only hope is to continue my self-studies and hope to get accepted on the basis of experience and project portfolio alone. It might be true that few people are happy with their jobs, but at the very least most of them are getting paid well. My depression isn't going anywhere it seems. It has been getting worse instead of better. :( I just can't do this job anymore, and I don't want another similar no-skills job. Yes, I do feel immense shame with my current job, and I'm too embarrassed when someone asks me where I work, to the point of hesitating to answer. And yes, I do feel like I'm aging super fast. The years are passing too quickly for me to have time to achieve anything. I'm afraid life will eventually pass me by and rob me of any chance for improvement or even just a bearable life.
  14. I just can't cope with my job anymore. If it was something I loved doing I'd try to cope with it, but it's something I hate from the bottom of my heart. It makes me ashamed of myself because at my age, 25, anyone would be ashamed to do such a job. I work in fast food, as a shift manager (don't let the title fool you), which is a job for teenagers or maybe people who are 21 or less, but not for a 25 year old man (in fact I hesitate to call myself a man, but unfortunately I can't escape from the fact that I am). I know I've posted about it before and I'm sorry if it's getting annoying, but I just can't take it anymore. I'm only working 3 days a week but it's still a struggle to force myself to go there. I'm trying to get a web developer job which should be miles better, but now I'm not sure this is possible. A lot of people with experience in this field have assured me that it's 100% possible even without a degree (and I don't have one), and countless others that I know have found jobs, but I can't help but worry. Especially considering the fact that I have no driver's license and probably will never have one, the anxiety this is causing me is too much to deal with. The thought that I might never, ever have a career of my choice and one that I like is frightening to say the least. In short, I just can't cope with my job anymore and I'm not sure what to do. If I didn't believe I was depressed before, I believe I am now. It has only been getting worse in the last few months. My mother won't approve that I won't be working, especially when she sees I'm still able to get in front of the computer and study, but I wish I could convince her this can determine my future and whether she'll still be stuck with me or I'll have my own place after a few years, and I just can't decide not to study just like that. To be honest this is the main worry that I have. When I was depressed and didn't work before, she used to reprimand me all the time and tell me to go find a job, and I fear this will happen once again, but this time she would be talking to a fully grown adult instead of someone in his early 20's. I'm currently receiving benefits and I also have some savings, so I think I should be fine for a few months until I get a decent, respectable job as a web developer (I really wish I'm not disappointed, as this is my only hope). It's really hard to be depressed and cope with a job you not only hate, but one that causes you embarrassment. And on top of that to be working for your future, which in my case might be hopeless, as people my age have already worked for their future at least 5 years earlier and are already living this future. All of that while being depressed and not getting any better. Just not sure what to do. :( What should I do?
  15. No need to be sorry, that's just life I guess. I did know him very well, and I feel really sad that he chose to do this, but I just couldn't cry (I rarely cry, really, I just can't). Yes you're right about our minds being distorted due to depression. I'm now awakened to this fact. Like, right now I'm not feeling very well, but now I know that whatever thoughts I'm having are probably not real so I decided to get some help. I might be back on meds or get a therapist, not sure yet. You're welcome, I'm glad my post was helpful. I'm not sure how much of a strong person I really am, but thanks, it means a lot to me that you think I am. :) It's good to hear you have a family who cares about you and that you care about them. Don't do this to them and more importantly don't do it to yourself. Yeah I wish I was not born from time to time. I don't believe I was ever seriously suicidal, just have had some dark thoughts, but never seriously planned it and never had any serious attempts. I'm kinda thankful for that. I think in most cases when we contemplate suicide what we really want is for our situations to be different and better, and this can definitely be done. It's an infinitely better solution than ending one's life.
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