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  1. Like
    gs22 reacted to carter_burn1 for a blog entry, Hello, Friends =)   
    Hi everyone, it's Shane. I'm sure most of you figured out that I left DF after a pretty long period of inactivity...I'm not making a comeback or anything. I left the site for a number of reasons, none that I need to go into here...and honestly, I'm getting by fine without it, and most days I'm generally happy and mostly depression free. It still rears it's head now and again, but I mostly have it under control with the help of a few people in my life and a formula of natural coping skills and brutal, daily honesty with myself and everyone in my life. This is just a short update for the many friends I made over my time on the site. I left abruptly, and maybe I'm flattering myself, but I've been thinking lately that maybe my friends here have been worrying or at least wondering what happened to me. After all, when someone in the DF community just drops off the planet, it's usually not a good sign. I just wanted to let everybody know that I'm fine, doing well, making progress...and I think about many of you all the time, and I hope you're all doing well, too.
    Like I said, I have no desire to make a comeback and no plans to become active on DF again anytime soon, if ever. Just wanted to reach out to the good people I've met on here and let them know I'm doing all right and express my fond wishes that all of you are finding peace and balance in your lives as well. Never give up, always keep trying. Everyone has to walk their own path and find their own way, but I was able to find some peace by practicing honesty and kindness in my daily life. Treating everyone with love and respect has given me peace, and I'm starting to reap the benefits of it....improving lives of people I touch, and also receiving some peace and joy for myself in the process. I am drug free in every way. I have put down the antidepressants, sleeping pills, and anti-anxiety meds. I wasn't getting results, and the more I learned about the medications I was blindly taking because a physician told me to, the scarier the whole thing became. I came to realize that the professionals pushing these drugs don't know what they do or how they work, or what long term effects or consequences are. I am not recommending that ANYONE do what I did - if your meds help you and you trust them, then a salut, God bless, good luck. I've replaced my drugs with healthy, natural coping skills, I no longer self medicate, either. I have found balance, and my path has led me away from drugs in any form, whether they are drugs that I chose and bought of my own free will, or drugs I was sold by a physician.
     I love all of you, and you're all in my thoughts and prayers. Peace and love, friends. I'll always hold a place in my heart for the souls on this site.
  2. Like
    gs22 reacted to DesperationandHurt for a blog entry, No more   
    For anyone who thinks it's okay to use me as their punching bag, it's not going to happen anymore. I'm tired of being blamed for things that I have nothing to do with or no control of. I am tired of being made out to be this bad person when all I do is bend over backwards for people and try to help them out. I am tired of people mistaking my kindness for weakness. I am tired of people thinking it's okay to speak to me the way they do. 
    I am a good person. I always have been. If I see a person in need, I do what I can to help them. Sometimes, there isn't anything I can do to help them but if I can't, I sure try to find someone or something that can. I have always made sure others were taken care of before dealing with my own problems. To me, helping others made me feel so much better. Not out of any type of gain other than just knowing that they were going to be okay. This is probably one of my biggest reasons for going to school to become a therapist. However, in doing that (helping others), I think I may have lost myself a bit because I let people dictate my self-worth and take out their frustrations on me. I know people need outlets to deal with their issues. It's just lately it seems I've become the brunt of all that. Too many people think it's okay to trample on me and use me like that and one person can only take so much. Here's the deal. I will not put up with it anymore. I will help you until it turns around and starts to hurt me, from then on, you're on your own. 
    I know I'm coming across as abrasive and mean, but I'm tired of bending over backwards for people who don't care if that means I break or not. I'm not breaking for anyone, anymore. My mental health is just as important as everyone else's mental health is. And if my help can't be appreciated, then you don't deserve it. 
  3. Like
    gs22 reacted to Audrey822 for a blog entry, My Thought For the Day 12/22/2016 - Extra Edition   
  4. Like
    gs22 reacted to Jalen for a blog entry, Juice RAGE   
    So here's a funnier blog some of you may enjoy.
    I just got back 30 minutes ago from shopping, starting off the winter break. I was coming inside, carrying a bunch of groceries, right as I got into the kitchen the juice fell and split open shooting juice everywhere. I got so mad, I starting kicking the wall and shouting curse words. I started to clean it up. After cooling down I went to talk to my friend, and here's part of the chat:
    [2:44:41 PM] Jalen: Oh god I'm so p***** right nowwwwww, cooled down some though
    [2:45:22 PM] Shane: God dam *** happened dude
    [2:46:42 PM] Jalen: I spilled my juice
    this actually ended up being a good thing, laughing my ass off right now. I very rarely get mad, but when I do it's normally for the dumbest reasons....
    D*mn it V8

  5. Like
    gs22 reacted to DeeBear for a blog entry, One Good Reason   
    Like the da Vinci quote "Art is never finished, only abandoned", I gave up on Christmas shopping yesterday.  I only have my parents to buy for anyway, and they have everything they need anyway.  I never feel like I'm doing enough, but that's a fixed part of my mental landscape. 
    At this point I'm used to being so worked up and anxious that I can't wait for the holidays to be over, but last year I was numb and this year, well...  It just feels like a formality.  I did get nervous yesterday in Wal-Mart, but I was surprised that my anxiety was relatively tame, considering how many people were there.  I've noticed that I seem to pick up on the energy of a place, if that makes any sense.  I'm sure everybody does to some extent, but I wonder if that's the source of my anxiety.  My grandpa's house feels completely different without him in it - it's become a cold, sterile place that looks familiar but feels completely alien to me.  I also noticed that I got nervous in a restaurant when eating with a friend of a friend who is...well, let's say I've rarely encountered a more negative person.  And let's face it, if you're in Wal-Mart, chances are you ain't happy.  At least I'm not.
    I also almost convinced myself to approach a woman I saw in the book store yesterday, but as usual, I chickened out.  Maybe it's just an excuse, but something just didn't feel right.  I let my opportunity pass, and now I'm wondering if I should have gone ahead and talked to her.  Rejection is a big issue for me, and I've used that as an excuse many times in the past.  I'm also tired of getting my hopes up, only to be disappointed.  I know that's all part of the game, but that's a game I've never been good at.  I also think that I'm so used to solitude that maybe that's the life I was meant to live.  And that's okay with me, I'm rarely comfortable around people, and it's even more rare when I find someone I'm comfortable with letting in to my life.  It's not normal, but neither am I.  I think I made the right decision yesterday, but still I wonder, I second guess myself, and I measure my actions against what somebody else would do, but what somebody else would do isn't necessarily right for me.  I should be able to say "I just wasn't feeling it" and go on, but there's always a doubt in the back of my mind ready to pounce.  I am the way I am for a reason.  I'm just not sure it's a good reason...
  6. Like
    gs22 reacted to posie_riot for a blog entry, You're not so bad   
  7. Like
    gs22 reacted to Lady Mozzer for a blog entry, Anxiety   
    There has been a lot of stress in my life lately.It`s my Mom that`s really been suffering,She recently had surgery.Her surgery went well and she is healing well physically.It seemed after the surgery she developed insomnia.We  and her doctor think that her insomnia has caused her to have really bad anxiety.She is really going through a really tough time right now.I feel absolutely helpless because there is nothing I can do to ease her suffering.I`ve never seen my Mom like this and it really scares me.She has always been the rock of our family.It really hurts me to see her this way.She is seeing another doctor on Monday to see if anxiety is really the cause of her problems.We are all praying that my Mom gets better soon.We all really need and love her.She is the kindest ,most generous person and she doesn`t deserve this.If anyone is reading this please keep her and my family in your thoughts and prayers.Thanks for reading.
  8. Like
    gs22 reacted to Jalen for a blog entry, Emotion   
    I feel so unstable. I feel so blank and empty, but anything can set me off. I realize that my emotions are just barely being held in, locked away. They could flood in and make me a mess anytime, as they so often do. They are barely being held back and it's getting harder and harder to keep them from getting out. When they come out, I am left unprepared and lost. I can't take this, I am always worried.
    The tears tear through me.
    I just don't know how to keep all of them in, but I guess I must find a way.
    Just wanted to get what I've been thinking about out, in my mess of a blog.
  9. Like
    gs22 reacted to Audrey822 for a blog entry, My Thought For the Day 12/14/2016   
  10. Like
    gs22 reacted to RiverLight for a blog entry, Cruel Love   
    You took my love and tainted it
    You took my heart and stabbed it
    You took all that I gave and twisted it into something dark
    You made me out to be the perpetrator, when it was you
    You accused and blamed me, when it was you
    You lied and cheated on my friend
    Yes she still loves you and blames herself
    She defends you and is blinded by your so called "goodness"
    You think you're the nice guy on the block
    Well you have a thing coming to you
    I see reality as it is, I see who you are
    I see the naked truth
    You made me shake and quiver in fear of you
    and your anger and cruelty
    You tried to control me
    and cut me with your words
    I left to save myself
    And now I have nothing but remorse and rage
    for the injustice
    Please go away now
    Do not follow me where I go
    I confronted you for watching me and what did I get
    more rage, more cruelty
    Your words are like daggers
    Do you have a conscience?
    I don't think so
    Not too long ago you said
    you would always love me
    Now I get your cruelty once again
    Your words are meaningless
    Your manipulations, your lies,
    I see it all
    Your love was not love at all
    Your love was a cruel love
    Your heart, a cruel heart
    I walk away from you
    You cannot touch me now
    You cannot hurt me now
    I see you, but you do not exist
    You are a ghost to me, withering away to dust
    I place you in a box and that box in a flowing river
    No longer will my bruises be felt
    Only you are left with my scars
    and a cross to bare
    And me, I will be OK
    As I always AM
    Jesus said of his enemies,
    Dear Lord please forgive them
    for they know not what they do
    Buddha and the Dalai Lama also
    teach compassion and forgiveness of your enemies
    You are ignorant of your hurtful actions
    therefore, I do forgive you for your ignorance
    Really, I should pity you and feel sad for you
    for being such a heartless specimen of human life
    If you must hurt to feel powerful, superior
    or good about yourself
    that is pitiful indeed
    I will have compassion for your sorry ass
    and your pitiful ways
    Your weakness is plain to me
    Only the weak try to take down the strong
    You gave me the greatest gift
    the doorway to true love and happiness
    And for that, I thank you
    But I choose to ignore you now
    You no longer exist to me
    When I do see you, you are only someone I used to know
    But my heart remains full of gratitude for bringing
    me my greatest and true love

  11. Like
    gs22 reacted to herba for a blog entry, Everything dies   
    I was having such a good day on Sunday. I managed a full face of make up before braving the big bad outdoors for lunch with my partner's family. 
    Yesterday I spent the larger part of the meeting I had to sort out my work hours and duties crying. Colleagues, bosses, even the damn head were understanding and kind and offered words of encouragement (so much for the higher ups ascertaining my condition being kept secret; but I never bought it would have been so I'm not surprised). What I spent nine and a half years trying to avoid (i.e. letting my mask fall at work) happened with gusto. While I appreciated everyone's concern, the pitying looks just made me cry harder. I'm 'that one who had a mental breakdown' now. No one said it, people don't do that. But if you're mentally unwell and good at reading people (I'm both) you'll know what I'm talking about. 
    Advice I received by every psychiatrist and psychologist (#sarcasm) in the room included:
    - You have to get out of that hole. If you can't, you're not trying enough.
    - I took Valium for a week, I know what you're going through.
    - Your psychiatrist doesn't have your best interests at heart (sure, a boss would say that; he's got his best interests at heart)
    - Are you staying at home twiddling your thumbs?
    - Was it the job that did this to you?
    That put a bit of a damper on the rest of the day and when I fell asleep I knew today would be . Sometimes you just know.
    The highlight of my day was watching the waves crash against the rocks while fantasising about my funeral arrangements. Needless to say, I'm not having a very good time.
  12. Like
    gs22 reacted to Jalen for a blog entry, Can Things Change?   
    I know I've said this so many times but every day I feel more unwanted. It is almost everybody has classes with me at my school hates me. If the teacher ever talks about anything bad being done, or anything like that everybody stares at me as if expecting I was the cause. People glare at me all of the time, and if they sit by me always ask if they can be moved. They make jokes about me and talk about me behind my back. I am thought of as stupid, rude, disrespectful, and annoying. I know these are because of my own actions, and that only makes it worse.
    I am seeing a counselor, but my question is how can seeing somebody, taking meds, or getting treatment in general change any of this. They hate me, they hate my personality, they hate what I do and how I act, seeing somebody isn't going to change that... I am who I am and people don't like who I am. Nothing really can change, unless somebody takes over my body (which obviously is impossible). I feel like a failure, and I can't stand people always glaring at me, talking about me behind my back, and joking about me. I hate it.
    I don't understand what keeps me in this world, I don't care about my life, I hate this world, and I am unwanted, so why stick around?
  13. Like
    gs22 reacted to Jalen for a blog entry, I hate Nostalgia   
    I hate Nostalgia so much because it makes me so sad. I see so many things and I see me smiling and happy with my family, or things I used to love, and it makes me so sad, I just miss when times were simpler and easier, and my family was happy, no parent drama, no being yelled at all the times, we had great bonds and were happy. That's not how it is now, and I wish that I could be a different person from that little smiling boy I used to be, I wish that I were somebody else, and that boy was somebody worthy of my life I had, somebody who would become great things, and be somebody my parents were proud of. I wish instead of being born in a great, happy, middle-class family I was born in a crappy poor place, so that somebody worthy of my position was there, not me who is a failure who had everything set up for his success.
    Nostalgia just makes me sad, and it baffles me the things that I used to love and do, but I remeber them so well, I remember my sister and I lying down by each other watching venturiantale and laughing our faces off, but obviously my relationship with my sister is much worse now that'll never happen again.
    There is something so comforting in routine, and I wish my life had a simple one, without random stupid twists everywhere screwing it up.
  14. Like
    gs22 reacted to RiverLight for a blog entry, Ex Boyfriend Mess Up   
    My ex called last night to talk, acting as though nothing bad had happened between us and as though we are best friends again after hooking up the night before. I endured the conversation, then told him that I am not ready for friendship, that I have not exactly forgiven him, and that I am still in pain from what he did to me. He wanted to talk about dating with me... dating other people that is. I couldn't stomach it, even though the night before while drunk I had run my mouth about my own dating experiences. WHY I approached him that night I have no idea. I guess a part of me doesn't want this. A part of me doesn't like that we're not talking and ignoring each other completely when we see each other out. It makes me very uncomfortable to have bad feelings like that after a relationship that was so close like we were. But the bottom line is, I left him. Even though I slept with him again, I left him. He had written to me that obviously I had concluded he was wrong for me. I wonder if he would still date me if I wanted to try again. Not that I want this, but I wonder. He seems to have moved on just fine. But he says he misses our friendship the most because I had been his best friend and he had never been that emotionally close with someone before.

    Well as for me, I have moved on too, but not in a good way. I am a total wreck right now after three train wrecks online and no prospects at the moment. I said before that I needed to be completely alone, but I have yet to follow through. Maybe now is the time for that since there is no one anyways. Well, there is one guy, but I don't think we should date. He is a good friend of mine from college and there is so much at risk if we don't work out. I am reluctant, but we have kissed. And we're going to a concert together tonight. But going in that direction with him may be a bad idea. I don't want to ruin a good friendship, plus we have a lot of mutual friends.

    I just don't know anymore. And I don't know what I am doing. I feel really fu.cked in the head right now. Given my current state I think that hooking up with my ex was a big fat mistake. I think I feel depressed. I need to stick to my guns and not be friendly with him no matter what. I hope he doesn't approach me when I see him out again. I told him I don't want to talk when we do see each other out. I need to get my self-respect back... by hooking up with him again, I feel I have compromised my own self-respect. :/ That does not feel good whatsoever. He needs to not be in my life.

  15. Like
    gs22 reacted to Jalen for a blog entry, Lonely   
    Recently I've felt so lonely, I have a couple of friends, but they all seem more interested in their other friends than me.
    I always seem to be the to be picked last in sports, or the one nobody wants to work with, or the one nobody likes. My friends all are getting into sports clubs, they have so many friends, they have girls lining up to date them, meanwhile I have none of that. They always seem to be invited to my other people's parties, and I am never invited. I try to fit in, or be funny, but I just end up making people mad.
    I just wish I knew somebody who understood me, and I enjoyed hanging out with and they enjoyed hanging out with me, somebody who would think I was smart, funny, or just something other than stupid, rude, disrespectful, and weird. I long for somebody like that, someone who would appreciate me for being me.
    That's never going to happen.
    I call, text, message, skype, my friends and they never answer.
    I feel so lonely.
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