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Chubbybunny89

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About Chubbybunny89

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  1. Financially dependent on my boyfriend, struggling to get a job, I've posted about these issues so many times I'm not gonna repeat them all. Winter is setting in, and my SAD is kicking in big time. Not being able to drive, fear of going outside now that it is flu season etc.. have made me a literal hermit. I hate winter. I hate temperate climates to be honest. But where I am now is better than where I was before, and where I wanted to go (somewhere like Miami or Hawaii) is either too expensive or doesn't have good market for his field. Since I'm dependent on him, had to go somewhere that benefited him of course. I never wanted to be a kept woman, but I would rather that than work three retail jobs missing out on all holidays and family. Maybe I'm a brat, but I don't wanna live what my mom lived. I made an investment going to school, so yea I have some sense of entitlement that hey I should be able to get a job with a livable wage. Is that really a bad thing? Granted that's my pride talking, but still I don't see anything wrong with taking the other option of "stay home clean and cook for someone who makes more than I ever could" versus "work at Walmart dealing with Black Friday, working Thanksgiving, Christmas and having daily panic attacks while still not being able to pay bills" Come on, be honest here who of you would really choose the latter? Well, before we moved, as in the week before, he was threatening to not even go. During Thanksgiving he threatened to just leave my grandma's and go back to the apartment-a seven hour drive away. And last night after being triggered by having to clean the litter box he got into one of his moods and told me that our second year anniversary is coming up and that he has his own life to consider. That I should have something to bring in a relationship etc.. It's always the same stuff- he feels he does more for me than I do for him, the things I do for him are seen as trivial or not enough effort-though he can get ridiculous with his demands sometimes. For example, when I bring up that I do majority of the cooking he just says "Do I even like what you cook?" On one hand, I get it. I'm depressed. I'm struggling to get a job. I've got student loans, no savings, and can't financially take care of myself. That's not exactly the type of person men want to date. Well, I guess some out there don't mind it, and while I thought my boyfriend was one of those, last night I learned I was wrong. He basically told me he can't have a housewife. That it's too much pressure on his shoulders. Mind you, I am a tad confused because he makes a lot of money(over 100K just to give you an idea, so you can see why I'm confused why he'd be worried over finances.), and his previous attitude and words were that if I wanted to stay home he didn't mind. Anyways, these past four months (before and after moving) are the first time he has actively brought up breaking up. It went from a "I don't want to ,but I don't want us to drive each other into the ground" to a "I have my own life to consider, I can't sit around and wait for you to get yourself fixed" Fair enough. I just wished he had dumped me back when I got fired instead of now where I literally know no one and have no where to go. The only place I have now is my grandma's. That would be too much of a financial burden. Not to mention where she lives there is nothing for me career wise. My whole family there is struggling financially. And I'm about to join them. I can't blame him for not wanting to be with me. But at the same time I feel so overwhelmed. My anxiety, the depression, the not being able to get a job, not having a career etc.. It's too much to deal with. Me moving out of my parents allowed them to rent the downstairs and get an extra income so my mom could step down from her horrible job and accept a lower position where she has more freedom and no abusive boss. But I don't know what I'm going to do. I just cry all the time. He has become immune to my tears now. Thanksgiving I cried so much. He didn't seem to care. He was upset that I invited my own family over to my grandma's house because I "wasn't thinking of him/how he would feel" I didn't know having your family over while being guests at a family members house was a bad thing... I just needed to let this out. Right now there's not much I can do. Even if I manage to get a job, I gotta work on saving. And that will be hard because jobs here barely cover all my bills. I envy people who got jobs right out of college. I envy people who have stable careers and an income that let's them buy a house, pay their car, and loans. At this point I cant even imagine. Nearly 30 and this is where my life is at. I would be better off having not gone to college. Then that'd be one massive bill I wouldn't have to worry about.
  2. The flu vaccine contains killed virus that is meant to stimulate your immune system and in turn cause you to pump out antibodies. Any nonsevere, nonallergic reaction, such as soreness, and a feeling of fatigue is normal. I think I ended up taking a nap after mine even.. Most likely it was the stress of deadlines and exams. Stress is far more likely to cause depression and gastrointestinal symptoms than a flu jab.
  3. Are you in the south? If so, this isn't because of you...it's them. I will go ahead and say a terribly offensive thing right now and that is in my experience that southern white males can be some of the worst people on earth. People wanna act like girls are bad bullies, no-there are more sympathetic women than there are men in my opinion and I know I'm being sexist when I say that ,but as someone who has been bullied by both genders I definitely say men are by far worse. It's easier finding a real nice girl than a nice guy. The internet and the people who hide behind their screens to bully are the same kind who call overweight women landwhales, and make jokes about black people. For some reason fat women and black people are seen as "okay targets" for these guys. They feel safe because no one can break their nose from the internet. It's usually these super insecure males too that do this. I've experienced this myself. Remember we are living in a time where a sexist racist is president-and people are happy about it. Let that sink in. It's not you. I highly doubt you are ugly. Don't let a bunch of racists define you. To the men reading this-I apologize for my sexism, but I have been treated terribly by your gender so it's hard for me to not think girls are more sympathetic. I am aware there are decent men out there, but I've not encountered many so I tend to be a tad biased.
  4. Pretty much exactly like me except add in crying after job hunting. Part of it is my anxiety. The other part is I'm so ashamed of myself I can't stand to be seen or socialize with others. I don't have anything nice to present so I would rather not be judged and hurt more.
  5. So fed up with being a jobless loser

    True.. there are multiple reasons I didn't do well on YouTube, most notably being camera quality, not knowing how to edit, and I'm pretty sure my appearance had a lot to do with it (to quote someone who replied to a comment I made one "I think you're ugly ...****ing fat") You're right about the likeability in person thing. That's one thing I think hinders me when I get an interview. I could go on for hours of examples how people don't like me(bullying, being excluded, laughed at). Really I'm the only common denominator so has to be me. I'm the kind of person who is so weird and lacking in social skills that I would be best suited as an extreme introvert. But I'm actually extroverted so I put myself out there and end up a target. That's why I need and desire to change myself so bad. I am tired of the same pattern. I really wish I knew someone like you in real life. Granted none of my friends have science degrees except for the one in pharmacy school so it's really hard to compare with everyone I know that gets jobs easily. I even lost a friend I suspect because she got tired of me. Either that or because she doesn't like my boyfriend, but we used to be really close. Funny how money and success can tear people apart.
  6. Failed a stupid pre-quiz so didn't get this dumb work from home thing from Gaggle, then the recruiter who was supposed to call me today to do a phone interview emails and tells me that the job has been filled. I've been unable to get a real job since I graduated in 2015. It will be 2018 soon, I will be unemployable . Pizza Hut didn't even get back to me! I can't drive so Uber is out of the question. I can't pay my loans or any of my bills. I'm done. I'm fed up. I am not suicidal because I am afraid to die. I have a weird complex where I obsess over what happens after death, I don't feel ready, I am scared etc... All my fears and anxieties and phobias are linked to either being alone, dying/nonexistance or suffering. I've been a loser my whole life. Extroverted ,but socially awkward and people always talk down to me or dislike me. I was bullied in school, had brief good time in college before my inner issues hit and destroyed everything. Got fired from the only job I got after college and it was part-time as well at a fishy place. I have never had a real full-time job. I've never been liked by my peers. I was always bad at sports and was that embarrassing fat girl who couldn't even do one chin-up. I clearly remember the entire class staring at me while I struggling to lift myself and wasn't able to do it. I got made fun of by boys for my looks all the time. I have always made bad grades. In college, I would skip class because being in a giant classroom gave me bad anxiety. I once showed up and there was a test that day. I had no clue. I had to take "medical withdrawals" multiple times for my depression. I would try stupid things like doing a YouTuber channel, or trying to make a Zazzle store. Everything I've touched has failed. I just want to be normal. I want to be a normal pretty girl who has a normal job and can afford to live. I want to not have anxiety attacks, and not be weird. I want a group of loyal girlfriends who won't leave me. I want to feel capable and competent. Even my boyfriend doubts I could be competent. I have no guidance, I'm almost 30, no health insurance, no money, having health problems. Forget getting mental help only the rich can afford that. If it were not for my boyfriend letting me live here and paying for , I would be homeless. I would be on the streets. I've lost three best friends these past two years. One was a stable successful nurse driving an expensive car. She probably was tired of my loser ass. It is only time before my boyfriend does that same. I'm fed up. Fed up. I've done everything, sent resume to temp agencies, etc...
  7. First off, I am in the exact same position as you with driving. Fear of being in accident, dying or being paralyzed, fear of drunk drivers, etc... I also am in my late twenties and am unemployed and have terrible anxiety. I've got a boyfriend. I know a couple other women, one married, neither of them drive and they get rides from their guys. There are men who don't mind it, and guys who will make the effort to come see you. I say this from experience, and I'm not the most date-able person out there myself. There are so many lonely guys out there trust me you won't have problems. Also, and this is sexist, but being an introverted woman is easier in our culture. You don't need to worry about being awkward or doing the first move. Again kinda sexist cause I'm saying guys make the first move, but in many societies it is still that way. You probably just need some extroverted guy to come up and chat you up. And there are many that do that. Or a shy guy who is equally as awkward and doesn't mind it. Either way, you're not doomed. Having a boyfriend can also go really sour so it's not always something to envy. As for the guy at the chiropractor, try not to think too much about it. He sounds like a friendly guy, but I'm not sure if he is making a move. From what you said he sounds like someone who would probably be more upfront if he had feelings. Although it may not be appropriate for him to do so in the workplace. Either way don't think too much into it. You can try to make guy friends. One of them may like you and then your issue of being single will be solved. But keep in mind single is not a disease. Feel free to message me if you would like. Be nice to talk to someone who understands. Also, I know a fair share of decent single guys who are fed up with being single
  8. I give up on trying to get a job

    I've been trying to find some work from home things. It's pretty hard. If you know something legit I will totally be interested
  9. I graduated in 2015. Only jobs I managed to get were part-time. to get were being a nanny for a friend (my biggest mistake, I never should have stopped my driving course and counselling to move in and help her. But it did, in turn, allow me to forcibly move in with my boyfriend ,which gave me at least one step of adulthood where I wasn't living at home. This then allowed my parents to rent out the room and get extra income thus allowing my mom to step down from her job with a bully boss that sent her crying every night.) Then I struggled for months through interviews, job hunting, and then finally got a small part-time job at a clinic. Well one month into that, and guess who gets fired? Yeah, I had an anxiety attack overnight, called out once and bam fired. Then I found an ad had been posted for my exact job position two weeks prior, and mind you this was a tiny lab that barely fit three people, so they were planning on firing me from the start. While I hated that job to be honest, and felt like it was going nowhere, it made me feel incompetent and insecure about myself in a workplace. When I was in college I had one job where I was making so many mistakes they almost fired me. I went to a doctor, had a brain scan, and tests done, found out I was having major vitamin deficiencies. As soon as I started the supplements I improved, but during that time and being fired from the clinic I seriously doubt my ability. Doesn't help I'm ADD. Well, I got a part-time retail job, and decided to move out of state. My boyfriend moved with me. I won't go into the relationship issues I'm having,but it's very unstable and he's likely to leave. I'm financially dependent on him, so I'll end up screwed. Anyways, after weeks again of the same of applying I'm just fed up. I've come to realize I will never have a real job. And if by a miracle I got a job in my field, it won't last because they are all contract, no benefits and pay hardly anything. Of course, no one wants to train in my field, and given my lack of employment I am practically unemployable right now. Pizza Hut didn't even get back to me. I also worry about my to lose my job. There are certain triggers that I have to deal with everyday, but sometimes I can't deal with them. Given the nature of what I fear being actually harmful, exposure therapy just won't work for me. Because of my phobia I can't do things like childcare (for other people's kids), teach, or nursing. People think I am a snob or lazy or not trying when I turn down these suggestions ,but reality is I my anxiety prevents me from being able to do them. I even freak out at the thought of working at a Starbucks for having to clean the bathroom, or if some kid pukes etc... Again, it makes me look like a snob, but I'm the kind of person who has a panic attack so bad over someone coughing on a bus that I literally jump out (yes this has happened. Public panic attacks are kinda my thing. They happen to me all the time. So if I had a job where I'm having them or refusing to touch a public toilet etc.. guess who gets fired? No one has time or understanding for OCD or phobias I'm just "lazy" and a "snob" "weirdo") I just needed to rant.
  10. What women are you talking about? I'm a woman and my boyfriend is this geeky, introverted quiet guy. And many of my friends are dating men of few words. Sounds like you're watching too many movies with stereotypes of big muscly alpha males who have three women hanging off them sighing. That's not how the real world works. People have different tastes. Some like big muscly guys some like scrawny some like chubby some like young some like old. And it's even more complicated with personality. If the girl wasn't a a man who takes charge and carries on a conversation then no a shy guy isn't going to peel her interest. But not all women want that. There are women who prefer the quiet types. It makes them seem mysterious and you want to open them up to find out what they are about.
  11. I'm feeling overwhelmed again. Not having career at my age and not being able to get a job are getting to me. Not having a car and not being able to drive are hinderances of this as well. I've got so many problems I dwell in escapism because I can't change it right away and I don't know what's else to do. Revamp your resume, go to temp agencies, keep in touch with recruiters I do all that but it isn't working. Regular jobs look at my resume and think "what the heck are you doing here?!" And research one look and go "well you're okay , how about minimum wage work every holiday and weekend and no benefits dish cleaning position? Oh and it's contract for six months and it's twenty miles away" Literally. I'm not even exaggerating. Unless I want to go to a tech school and draw blood. I can't handle phlebotomy. I would enjoy the med tech route but I am not good with needles or blood when it's not in a tube. I have moved to get sunshine but not having a job is digging deeper and deeper. Meanwhile I've lost friends who have careers, my boyfriend's family is literally all engineers and doctors. I have no kids so I can't be a stay at home mom and my boyfriend won't marry me so getting knocked up isn't an option. i have nothing. I've gone from a bullied fat teen to insecure dumb adult making bad grades , getting fired from the only real job I ever had because of my anxiety.(I called out one day and got fired on the spot. Later I found there had been an ad up for a week before that even happen for my exact position. I was still in training and they were already planning to get rid of me.) I feel worthless.
  12. Should I quit as my job triggers my depression

    Don't quit. High pay is a good perk and at the end of the day money is the reason most of us go to work. If you are determined to quit, make sure you have something else lined up first. Apply to equally lucrative jobs you might enjoy more and I'd you get hired by one give your two weeks notice. As someone struggling to find a job that ain't retail belief me, job hunting is super stressful and harder when you're unemployed. Being employed looks better, so my advice is try r find another job then quit,but don't just quit altogether especially Jr the money is good.
  13. Been out of college two years, graduated in my late twenties, bad GPA. Couldn't get a job in my field, got an offer at a part-time clinic, hated it, they fired me for calling in once and only once-this was still during my training. Never got in trouble before, no warning, just straight up fired for calling out one day. Got down because was fired, lost confidence, but hated that job anyway, and it was a dead end. Tried again, couldn't get job again. Finally got a retail job, saved up, and moved to escape my Seasonal Affective Disorder. On the one hand, I am very glad I moved. The weather so far has been sunny, and quite nice. I even went for a swim-in November! It's the only place other than Florida, Hawaii and Southern Cal where the weather is tolerable for me. I refuse to ever live in an environment with cold, dark winters ever again. On the other hand, now I really need to drive and have a car due to lack of public transit and there's less jobs. In my field ( science, research) the jobs market is crap. The jobs are all contract, no benefits, and usually want you to work overtime etc.. and for a very low pay. So you go to college, get in debt, study hard topics, and end up making less than 40K with no benefits. I'm fed up and pretty much done with my field. I care more about benefits aka having health and dental so I don't go more in debt. But I only have experience in research, and a few months of retail. Sometimes I regret going to college. It gave me nothing but debt and a sense of entitlement. The other issue is my OCD/anxiety. It literally gets in the way of every easy to get crap job like waitressing, babysitting, using a cash register etc.. Literally when I had my retail job I wore gloves like a weirdo just to avoid dealing with myself. Only those with OCD/anxiety/severe mysophobia will understand when I say I literally can't do some things. For example, waitressing- you have to clean up after people, touch their used napkins, what they cough/sneeze/blow their nose into with your bare hands etc.. I can't. I just can't. It's a major struggle for me to even touch doorknobs or shake hands. There are some things I will never be able to do, and cleaning up that kinda stuff from strangers is one of them. Research was the ONLY place that my OCD didn't hinder me. In fact, it aided me because of the strict use of the aseptic technique. Everything is kept sterile, washing your hands obsessively isn't seen as odd, you wear gloves and work in a hood- it was perfect. Everything else, I get ultra stressed over, and some things I literally will never be able to do (like being a maid). People misunderstand me and see this as me being a snob, thinking I am too good to do these sorts of jobs. No, it is because I've dealt with this crap for over 20 years, I know what my triggers are, and I really don't want to get fired or make a scene by having an anxiety attack at a job. Get therapy? Or drugs? Yea need money for that and need a job for money..but then my mental illness prevents me from functioning. Literally if it weren't for my parents or my boyfriend I would be one of the mentally ill on the streets. My loans are out of deferment, the gap between not having a job is growing bigger, and I'm growing more frustrated. My confidence is sinking more and more everyday. I have even put making friends (which normally is the first thing I try to do when in a new place) because I'm so ashamed of myself. I want to be normal. I just want a regular job that will give benefits that I won't go bats*** insane at and that will actually give me a chance. I regret college so much,
  14. not very supportive

    Reminds me of own relationship except I have to stay for now because of money. If you're not dependent on them get out now. That's abandonment and no way to be treated. A loving partner would be there trying to help.
  15. This Really Doesn't Help

    I don't see why not. And seeing your ex unexpectedly will always cause a reaction like that. Don't worry about the ex, if you like this new girl go ahead and ask her out