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Chubbybunny89

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  1. Chubbybunny89

    I can't work due to my depression and anixity

    I'm in a similar boat and am trying to get a work from home job. Would you be able to do one of those? Then don't usually offer insurance,but it would pay bills and put food on the table
  2. It also sounds like her medication might not be right. None of us like being guinea pigs,but there definitely are mental ailments that are directly causes by chemical imbalances. Since she is cycling I suspect that. Although, if there is a yearly cycle and she gets better during say summer and worse during winter and fall it could be seasonal affective disorder, in which case she is absolutely right you literally have to wait it out cause can't do anything about the position of the earth as it revolves around the sun. Is she's ficntional? Able to work and hold a job carry out her duties?
  3. Chubbybunny89

    He makes me feel unlovable

    Had a long talk talk last night where I basically brought it all up again. Then his sister called and I heard her on the phone asks him about his situation did he have a job yet. He said no, he isn't waiting til after family vacation. She expressed concern said she told her bf how now two people in English family were unemployed (she and her bf are both doctors specializing in certain fields) then she asked if I was working. Now she's never met me but knows of my existence and I hate when they ask about me. He told her I'm in the same situation bf I hear a "HA!" (Like "are you serious? Good lord") on the other end and immediately all my insecurities about having to deal with his super successful judgmental family that comes from a culture where mental illness is not a thing(you're just "weak minded") come out. Granted he himself does not have this mindset ,but his family does. After all they were all top of their classes, went to top schools and now they all make six figures. A ****ing power family. Meanwhile me being the once ambitious child of a redneck family is an anxious agoraphobe who will can never even imagine making at least 50 K. Every job I've applied to including ones of my own field range from 9-16 an hr. The 16/hr ones are ones wanting someone with years of experience in very technical lab techniques. His sister and her peers believe that making 150K is not enough. He has told me this. Again he does not share this viewpoint though he certainly is financially ambitious. But I just can't... handle being around those type of people who have that elitist attitude. I don't care if you are rich that doesn't bother me what bothers me is being looked down upon and snobbed. There are nice rich people who are down to earth ,and who don't constantly remind you of the financial inequality between you and them. I've met such people. They never even brought up money just talked about pets and family and regular people stuff not freaking stocks and traveling to this country and that. Anyways I ranted. Well we talk more he is upset at this point naturally and says we shouldn't break up that he doesn't think he can be happy in this relationship. He asks how long would it take for me to pack my things and leave. I saw a week. He says can I do it while he is gone I say okay. Then I leave the room, text my mother and begin to think things through-all my , my cat, the lease, this being the worst time of the year to fly for my anxiety. I hear him go to the bathroom and shut the door. Not knowing if he is going to do something crazy to himself (he never has but he also has never had a two year long relationship) I go and knock on the door he lets me in. I tell him I will accept the breakup,but that I won't do it like that- just packing up and leaving him here by himself. He says "why can't you be like this when I ask you to do things?" Later on in bed I hear him mumble h doesn't want to leave or breakup. We talk during dinner I bluntly ask what is it he wants etc etc This is possibly a cycle or possibly I'm just a terrible partner. Being with a depressed partner who is afraid to walk outside is not easy I understand that. He kind of expected my issues to disappear. I will admit since moving here and waking up to sunshine shining through the blinds I have not had any suicidal thoughts. I wake up happy that I woke up to live another day. Even though I'm not where I need to be even thoug I'm crazy and fat and insecure and poor... I have shelter food... I'm not dying of cancer (I think...) I'm not blind.. I am grateful for the things I have that I know many people don't have. The things I know can been taken away from me in an instance. All it takes is one car crash, one accident, one diagnosis. I've made it this far without that, and I am very grateful. I enjoy seeing the sunshine, hearing the birds singing outside (one good thing about the south is waking up to songbirds in winter) you guys can ignore my ramblings just wanted to end on a positive ish note
  4. It suspiciously sounds like the guy made a comeback or something... Why is she withholding kissing from you? I understand taking things slow,but withholding affection when you are in a relationship is cruel. Is she getting any treatment for her depression? Any therapy or on any medications? If it is so bad that it is affecting her work that is the first thing she needs to do. Go to a doctor and get some help. Granted there is no "cure", but like many diseases depression can be maintained and needs to be treated. If she gets help with that it will impact all areas of her life including the part with you.
  5. Chubbybunny89

    He makes me feel unlovable

    That's the issue. My physical quality of life is much greater and I have security that if something medical happened he could financially bail my ass out. Given my debt and the low range of jobs I could actually get I would end up living off my parents til 40. They already help me out so much and I feel ashamed of that. When I moved out they were able to rent the space and get money to help out the mortgage. My mental issues could cost me the next s***ty job I get just like they did the one before last. If I didn't have financial burdens my desire to leave would take over my "do you really want three retail jobs and five roommates?" It pi**es me off nothing in my life is going right. No career,no family, love life is toxic as hell... while everyone else I know has decent paying jobs and a happy relationship. it could be much worse I am thankful for my health at the moment. If I developed physical issues beyond my teeth I might lose it mentally. Why can't he not be a selfish a******
  6. Chubbybunny89

    Traumatised

    Pardon me for asking but just need clarification, did she cheat on you with this person? Sometimes in DV situations you can't do anything. The victim has to want to leave and make that big step. When they do then you can did them,but if they are stuck in the cycle you can't do much not even legally. The biggest thing is to know it is not your fault and while it is understandable to be worried know that outside of offering support in leaving there may not be much you can do to convince her. Sometimes we have to let go and wait until people get to the point where they finally make that step.
  7. Chubbybunny89

    He makes me feel unlovable

    I've wondered if he has tried that. I owe him a lot financially. I also fear the whole social aspect. I would have to go off the radar on social media to avoid his family. I'm the only girl he introduced his folks to.He reached a point awhile back when he stopped trying and developed this attitude that I needed to work harder and he shouldn't have to do anything because he does so much.
  8. Chubbybunny89

    He makes me feel unlovable

    He has always held things my head. There was a time he was nicer,but after this one incident where he called me 40 times in a row raging over something stupid things just got worse. I can't afford therapy right now and his attitude is he has done so much for me and pays for everything why should he pay for that because according to him our relationship issues ate all my fault. He says his behavior is just a reaction of how I am. Don't worry I don't buy that crap for one minute. I'm conflicted, but slowly losing it. I also no longer feel comfort with him , I don't feel I can be weak without him kicking me when I am down. He hasn't hit me or called me names but the more I hear my guy friends praise and speak in love about their girlfriends the more saddened I feel. I've never had a man talk that way about me. My ex ignored me didn't take me seriously I would go crazy.
  9. When I read what people post online or listen to my guy friends talk about their wives/girlfriends I feel both joy (so sweet) and then sadness because I realize my boyfriend never talks about me that way. "She's good at this. She is my other half. I care about her future. She is this this and this" What do I hear? "What do you bring to my life?" "What have you done the past two years that I can look back and say 'I couldn't have done that without her'?" "Are you gonna work hard/try harder?" "I do so much for you and want do you do for me?" Today I tried to initiate something in bed by pulling him away from the computer to the bedroom. He kept saying "what are you doing?!" I didn't answer. Then he started complaining about clothes being on the bed so I gave up. We went back to the table. Then I felt overwhelmed by emotion. I went into the bedroom and slightly cried feeling unwanted. I felt like looking on the outside i was this clingy desperate woman. I felt unloved. Well, he comes in ten minutes later sees me crying. I imagine a normal boyfriend would be disturbed and ask what's wrong and upon me explaining be like "that's not true I care about you blah blah I'm sorry" My boyfriend? I don't even get a chance to explain why I am crying before he starts yelling. Yes yelling at me. Telling me it's my fault because I didn't answer him when he asked me what I was doing. Then suddenly days now he is in bad mood and he blames me. Suddenly it's all about him his feelings. Who the **** does that? Later on we get over it and act lovey dovey, but here I am 5 in the morning unable to sleep next to this person. I flip flop. 50% of the time I want to make it work and stick with it for the financial advantages given I'm in a bad situation right now. And 50% of the time I want the hell out because this man only cares about his damn self. He moved down here "for me" and won't let me forget it. He does nice things to hold over my head
  10. Chubbybunny89

    How do you get to sleep?

    I watch cartoons on YouTube. These days mostly King of the Hill. Before it was Fugget About It, and then a couple other random cartoon comedy shows I find. Sometimes watch episodes I have already seen so I don't keep myself awake wondering about is going to happen. The background noise helps. It also helps with my derealization.
  11. Do you have any female friends? I would say start there. Usually through them you can meet other girls, and/or date some. Career, two apartments, marital arts-you don't sound like a loser. You don't have to be some pickup artist-in fact most girls hate that and see if as sleazy. The same can be said of bars. There is nothing wrong with being single. You are free to travel when and where you want, you save money on gifts and eating out, and you don't have to answer to anyone. Not all relationships are happy. I'm sure you are aware of how many people have divorces-and many of those are people who married too young. I've got a friend my age (28) who feels like you do. All he does is complain about being single, and not having a girlfriend. Granted my friend is a tad picky on the type of woman he wants ,and I do think that contributes, but you don't come across as one of those guys. Being single isn't a bad thing. It's not some disease. You can try online dating. If you do martial arts I guarantee many women will find that attractive. Plus, on the shallow side, it probably means you are fit , which will make the dating game a bit easier for you.
  12. I've come to admit that lately, I have become an agoraphobe. I always had homebody tendencies. If I go out I want it to be something particularly exciting like a water park, clubbing, or movie or something calming like going to a park or the beach. Anyways, I had pretty bad Seasonal Affective Disorder, and on top of that I am a germaphobe-soooo I reeeeeally really really really hate winter. And I'm not very fond of fall either. In fact I could go my whole life without fall and winter and be quite happy. I recently moved, and this winter I have been...really agoraphobic. Before winter it was more...for whatever reason I didn't go out. But I wasn't afraid. But I know recognize I've developed a fear of going outside. I am terrified to go out until winter is over. The main reason for this is flu season, and my anticipation of that disease and how bad it will be this year. Add that to the fact that where I've move has a higher population, and you can't go anywhere without there being a crowd. During fall and winter, I am afraid of crowds. (And during this last summer in the northwest where it was chilly cold and everyone was coughing. But since moving I know I will never see another June that seems like January again.) During the summer, crowds don't phase me. I touch things more readily. The hot air and the bright sun do something to my brain that says "Hey it's okay, there's not a plague going around you can touch that. you can act normal" Summer is the only thing I've seen that had this effect, outside of cultural events and being afraid to offend other cultures. (Back in college I had some moments where I was less afraid and even...well I once shared a bowl of ice cream with like 4 other people and I did it cause I didn't want to offend them since culturally it was normal in their culture to eat from the same plate.) The third option is when I am around people who actually cough/sneeze into their elbows and wash their hands. But...those people are sadly very rare. Most people cough/sneeze into the air. I'm in debt, I can't afford a hospital stay or ER visit. This country is the worst first world country to be in if you get sick. You better be rich or have nice insurance or you're screwed! ANYWAYS I go off topic- I am an extrovert. I get hyper from talking to people. But being a germaphobe I don't wanna go clubbing or to the mall until winter is over. Then I will be more willing. However, being an extrovert-I kinda need interaction. Now in the past I would use phone calls, texting and emailing to cope. And it works. But...I moved and the friends who didn't leave me over the years sadly are not the best at keeping in touch. It will take many texts and/or phone calls to get ahold of them. I need people to talk to. My significant other who I live with is an introvert. At times I am left feeling ignored/disliked due to our different levels of social needs. Yes, I have hobbies, and have been working on them. But I'm starting to notice that feeling again. The loneliness. I did get some local penpals. But I get the feeling they want to hang out in person more than keep chatting and later hang on, and my hermit self at the moment probably makes them think I don't want to hang out, which isn't true. Let this season pass and I will want to go out left and right. Being broke doesn't help either. That became an issue especially with one friend back at my old place. She made 70K, always wanted to go shopping or out to eat. We couldn't just chill as much. In fact once she came over and I was still cleaning, and instead of staying and visiting until I was done and we could go, she went out to get herself a coffee cause she was bored. That's the annoying thing these days-what happened to friends who just come over and chill or you just go walk out together and talk about life? I have two friends like that back in the old state, but they don't keep in touch as much. People just want to be entertained or I dunno... I need friends :( I need people to talk to. I need people who also need people so they will keep in touch lol I don't wanna use Bumble's platonic thing because I don't wanna be selected for friendship based on my looks. Then there's just the issue of-I'm crazy. I become a hermit during winter, I have weird OCD things, I can't drive, and I'm broke. Who the hell is going to want to be my friend? The only women remotely similar to my situation stay at home moms- but I'm not a mom and everyone knows moms make mom friends.
  13. I get this too, but my situation may be a tad different. My friends all have jobs, some have really nice careers, they (with the exception of one friend who has terrible luck) all have spending money etc.. It is hard not to compare and feel bad. Nothing is going right in my life so I tend to only have negative things to say when asked certain questions(which is common with depressed people. We probably make better listeners than speaker as we become negative nancies) Is there a certain behavior that makes you feel this way? IE do you find yourself saying negative things a lot? Or being more standoffish?
  14. A parent's love is unconditional.Your mother loves you because you are her son. You don't need to meet certain expectations by a certain age to be worthy of love or be loved by your parents. I am sure if she saw you today she would love you just the same as she did in that picture.
  15. Chubbybunny89

    Does Anyone Work From Home?

    Problem is I don't have an extra $100 to spend on them. I mean, that $100 could go to them where I risk not having any change, or it can go to paying off my loans. My mother put down $100 for a resume critique and it didn't do her any good. So I'm doubtful, especially since I don't have much money and especially since I dished out a lot for college and got nothing. The only way I can muster that sort of passion is when it is a lab job interview. I get excited when I see some jobs I would love to get. I've gotten good feedback from interviews. But either don't hear back, or someone with more experience got the job (understandably). People don't really age out of my field, they sort of age into it. So it's very hard on newbies. I was told during an interview how hard it was from someone who has a Ph.D. in my degree. But you're right. You really got to fake it. No wonder people are two-faced these days You said you opened your own business right? And you've family members who did the same? What kind of businesses do you guys run? Starting a business is something I'm trying to look into.. actually, we both want to.
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