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Demi Reyvateil

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  1. I'm debating with myself if I want to quit my current low-paying dead-end job to go back to uni and study math. I've spent a decent amount of time actually getting interested in it again while pretty much everything else leaves me feeling empty. I know it can't go on like I have been the past year, and I also know that staying will not change anything, I'm just expected to fill out a joke of a position. But then the fears come back, all the negative memories of bullying and s***ty teachers, having an alcoholic as a math teacher and a general feeling of simply being too old, or having to talk in front of dozens of smart people while feeling like dirt and just wanting to do it for it's own sake, for myself, without interacting with anyone. The past doesn't seem to stop following me, negative thoughts about formal education effectively just destroying me and my will to climb that mountain. But what else is there to do, if pretty much everything else just ends up making me feel empty and making me want to spend most of my free time just smoking pan and drinking? I really wish there was some form of middle way, some way to work myself up and do things (and get better at them), getting a better position and have something to fall back to once I feel like I can't or don't want to go on anymore. But there isn't. It's either spend about 40 years doing close to nothing and getting dirt pay or risking starting something I somewhat likely won't be able to finish. I already know I'd rather keep trying and failing till the end than have a long and empty life. But I still can't seem to make a choice, wasting precious time for stupid reasons created by the ones I was forced to interact with. In fact, by now I can easily come up with more than a dozen institutions that I think are ****ed, but I couldn't name one single good one that works for me. All in all, it just makes a general sense of misanthropy grow inside of me, hating the world and myself, making me want to seclude myself. It's wrong, but what is right? *sigh*
  2. Two beers and peanuts. Not really as health-conscious as i used to eat.
  3. Before I got depressed this time, I was outgoing, working out every two days and serving my employer by doing tasks as soon as they showed up. I was alone, but it was alright. It was due to the fact that I was at the low end of the hierarchy of my workplace and the fact that any amount of good work didn't pay off in any way that I ended up not caring anymore. If i did everything, others only did a third of what they could (and did a third of that if I did 1.5 times as much). People didn't care, and people in charge only saw who made the mistakes, so if I did 80% of the work, I guess I made more mistakes than others. Now I barely do anything and people seem fine with it, yet I'm not. People are mostly unaware, but I have a hard time coping with the nothingness that it is. Now I can't concentrate and don't feel like doing anything, because: why bother? I feel like I'm an alien in a place ruled by idiots, and my "superior self" dissipates into nothingness. I'm desperate to find something new, which by now is a fight with myself to even try, because I've never seen a good place, and I worry that it doesn't exist. So I'm just being, feeling estranged of people in general and their egoism and stupidity, wondering, doubting.
  4. Nothing matters now. How will life proceed from here? Only time will tell.
  5. I spent almost all day figuring out what to do with my time, trying to find things to do to bring some progress to my current situation. In the end I barely did anything, and I realized it was not due to not being able to do it, but rather because I keep thinking "what's the point?", as in: the end result will not make me feel like I accomplished anything. In fact I don't feel much of anything right now, so it's incredibly hard to find things worth doing. It's all just an amorphous blob of "should do it, but nothing's really important anyway, since other than me no one cares, and i currently really don't". I try to keep telling myself I'll feel better if I do something, and while doing minor things (washing clothes, doing the dishes, tidying up a bit) I do feel slightly better while doing it, but afterwards I return to my previous state of emptiness. I've known a guy, probably one of the smartest people I ever became friends with, that ended up becoming a compulsive horder. I actually wonder, might the reason for hording be to keep tasks at hand so one still has some things in the back to do, so they won't end up feeling empty for running out of a purpose? I keep telling myself that once I just start completing tasks (like in a video game), that naturally new tasks worth doing follow, and with time I end up finding meaning again in these seemingly meaningless tasks. But all the while the thought keeps nagging on my mind: there's more important things to do...
  6. Maybe. I'm still curious though. In for the ride. I know there's possibilities for the ones not caring anymore. What might open up if you stop being so constricted? There's a lot of states, a lot of way of being, if you just stop considering the "no way out" belief.
  7. Maybe you need to redefine what adulthood means to you. Watching TV and playing games are widely accepted pastimes nowadays independently of a set age group. To me it sounds as if you aren't yearning to act irresponsible, but rather feel that your responsibilities keep you from enjoying life without a care in the world. If worry is doing that to you, then you need to find ways to not think about what you ought to do when you won't/can't/shouldn't do it. Compartmentalizing your day into brackets, focusing on finishing what needs finishing and defining time during which you just should not focus on work, private or professionally, and enjoy your time any way you'd like. I am trying to do this more now too, and even though I end up still thinking about everything all the time, I'm getting better and letting things go for a while (most of it, anyway), and work with full force when it's time to do that. It's not easy for me, but this is not something anyone ever taught me, so I guess I'm trying to teach myself now. Oh, and I try to accept being childish when it doesn't matter being an adult.
  8. Hi Shio, I think that one aspect of experiencing having a high level of ability in one or several aspects early in life that is not comparable anymore to peers leads to a possibly unrealistic expectation of ones future. It seems the identity gets entangled by those abilities, and it can be incredibly difficult facing the personal limitations. You basically end up lacking experiences of failure, so once they come, they hit hard. Self doubt and feelings of inadequacy seem typical, which is quite a contrast to how you must have felt before. I personally am trying to set clearly defined (and therefore achievable) short- to medium-term goals for myself to hopefully get myself out of my depression and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I just am very different from the bulk of people to hopefully find just a few to be with, and new ways to cope with the daily misunderstandings and expectations. In the end, we just have to find our own path in life, and it's very likely not one paved out for us, so the journey is expected to be rough.
  9. Hello, I don't exactly know how to start this. It's been a long time since I've been posting in a forum regularly (and I WAS very active in the past somewhere else, but it eventually kind of died down), so I'll give it a go. I'm from Germany, currently 28 years old. Probably suffered from depression here and there since at least age 8, but grey memories occasionally resurface of my first few years in life, and by now I figure those crucial years may have laid down the stone of further development, so for better or worse, it made me who I am today. To cut my story short for now, here's the gist: When I was 5 I was extremely happy to start school, around age 8 I was heavily bullied, and teachers were pretty much unsympathetic about my troubles. Once I got to a new school at age 10, things didn't get better: everyone was already involved, and I turned out very introverted. I was sent to a psychologist because of school problems at age 13 (not unrelated to being bullied, though my teachers didn't label it as such). Back then I was diagnosed as being gifted, which apparently meant I didn't need any help or guidance or anything, since things would supposedly solve themselves over time. They didn't. Retrospectively I should have been diagnosed with MDD, since my behavior was not normal under any circumstances. Anyway, I switched school again at age 14, ended up in a class that bordered at what a special ed class would probably be in the US, I guess (no, not the good kind). Somehow I made my Abitur, tried to study physics at university, but I was completely incapable of going through with it. The psychological damage was already too much, I suppose. After several years in the dark (at my worst I stayed at home for months not counting grocery shopping, drinking every two days), I finally got an apprenticeship in 2012. At the same time I got into fitness, and life was great for more than three years, but as one might guess, I was still alone, or rather almost completely socially isolated. It seemed like nothing I tried ever helped to improve that, which I guess means I'd have still been carrying something around with me. So after I was done with the apprenticeship and started working regularly in summer 2015, I started going out more (as in: partying), only to realize one year later that I'd never find people that are right for me in that environment. I pretty much have nothing to talk about with my coworkers, and so it happened that in april this year I ended up in a psychiatric ward (resulting from a pan-related panic attack after several times of losing consciousness). I've been sleep-deprived for 3 months and stayed at a very low body fat percentage for a long time, so I guess that did take it's toll. I guess the isolation combined with the fact that I did not see how I could find some new people for me anywhere led me to become very restless, possibly manic. Anyway, I only stayed one day, but got in for five days in June. Both times though I only ended up thinking that the worst of it all was to be stuck at a place like this. The second time I thought I was really losing it, though all the crazy thoughts that I had were strictly connected to that place. I don't ever want to be there again, and unfortunately this now apparently means that if I lose my consciousness again, I just have to live through it myself and tell myself happy thoughts. It definitely did more harm than good. So now I'm here, trying to figure out where to go from this place, to find a life for myself. I know I don't want to keep on working where I'm currently at, because I barely make a living, barely got anything to do, and no-one to talk to. I know I'm capable. I don't think I'm meant to do laughable tasks for 2 hours a day and then stare at the wall for 6. But even now, after a lifetime of reading hundreds of books and years of introspecting, I just can't seem to figure out a place for myself in this world. But I really don't want to believe that I'm the only one who's been through circumstances like these. I can't be, I'm not that different (I think) and my living environments were never that exceptional. But still I can't find anyone... My most pressing goals (in no order) currently are: - quitting smoking permanently - becoming part of a social circle that's adequate for me - coming to terms with the impact my parents had on me... (I'm getting along well with them currently though) - finding a new job I've just started psychotherapy for recurrent depression, second (of 45) appointment set for next Tuesday. Anyway, I hope that for the time being I can have some form of home on here, I'm looking forward to interact with you people!
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