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everythingsgonnabealright

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Everything posted by everythingsgonnabealright

  1. Oh boy where to even start. I'd just like to preface this by saying that I am an whiny, spoilt, white, middle class westerner with a comfortable life in a country that is not at war, I have three meals a day, a roof over my head, a gf who says she loves me and I work for myself. And yet I have been here so many times I have lost count by now: I genuinely do not see the point of going on. Why even bother when all the efforts I make turn to ashes in my mouth and all I ever do is p.iss everyone around me off by complaining about my problems and being negative about everything CONSTANTLY? This is how I see myself: Positive things about me - I am bilingual - I give good massages - I am relatively good looking that's it. Negative things about me Phew...you got all day? - I manage to see the negative side to EVERYTHING - even things that are 100% positive, my mind will automatically switch to picking some hole or finding some flaw in it and mark my words, everyone around me will hear about it - I have slowly but surely been losing myself over the past three years. I used to be funny, charismatic, interested, interesting, engaging, passionate, etc. Now? I spent my life watching Youtube (and more recently playing my switch which I bought to survive dying of boredom during this second confinement), I barely go out (but I guess that's more covid than anything recently), I find I have almost nothing to add to the majority of conversations, even when they are about topics that I know well or am interested in and therefore constantly worry that people find me boring...which I guess they must do (I am as insecure as it gets...) - I used to have more friends than I could shake a stick at. Now, people actively do not invite me to stuff. All of the close friends I actually care about have left the city I live in and almost all of the ones that are left I see less and less. The only real person I have is my girlfriend and ALL I do now is constantly annoy, disappoint or otherwise generally make her unhappy in one way or another. Case in point: she just walked in asking if I noticed anything different. I literally could not see anything. I know her mother is about to dye her hair so I was looking at it saying "has she dyed your hair already then? I can't see it". She says no then tells me that her mother actually just cut off about a foot of her hair. Even when I put my glasses on I could still not see the difference. I feel like such a fool as normally I am really good at noticing stuff like that - plus it's absolutely CLASSIC idiot man in some romcom who doesn't notice when his gf does something to her hair and then she goes and complains about him to all her friends. AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHGGHGHGH LAST THING I NEED RIGHT NOW IS TO P.ISS HER OFF EVEN MORE THAN I ALREADY DO ALL THE TIME EVERY DAY. She is one of the few people I have left who even has the decency to TALK to me. And predictably once again as ever always I have not cut the mustard and only shown what an incredible disappointment of a human being I am. AAAAAAGHGHGHGHGHGHG - I successfully managed to lose quite a good client two days ago because I sent him an email asking him to pay my last three invoices which were late. Apparently I was 'rude' and he now no longer wants to work with me. Great. Absolutely perfect right in the middle of a worldwide economic crisis that is far worse than WW2 and 911 combined. Do I have the strength or the energy to go and find new clients? I gotta be honest, I really really don't think I do... - Apparently I am aggressive, short tempered and often rude...and yet I do not realise it. My mother has been saying this for years and now my gf does too. I guess it's just in my nature to be a COMPLETE a.ss.hole to the people around me I love most. So that's great, especially seeing as now the two things that come out my mouth most often are 'sorry' and 'I didn't mean it that way'. Really great. - I have colossal issues about how I see money. I hate the stuff more than I could ever describe. How it divides, ruins, spoils and corrupts people. How I never feel I have earned enough of it and am incredibly jealous of people who have more of it than I do (e.g. my gf who has just purchased not her first, but second property - a house this time - at the age of 32). How I used to, and sometimes still do, lie awake a night worrying about what the hell am I going to do about this or that and how will I take care of my schizophrenic brother who lives in another country when my mum dies etc. etc. ? - I run away from stuff and give up as soon as the going gets a little tough - I could go on and on and on but I'll only come back to my catchphrase these days: what's the b.loody point...? f.uck everything
  2. Reading this topic has really moved and saddened me because I feel that I am on the brink of being almost totally alone except for my girlfriend with whom I have a troubled relationship because I am so difficult and unmanageable. I have fewer and fewer friends by the day and yet less and less desire to go out and make the effort to make new ones (Covid not exactly helping that either). Could someone give me some advice to shake me up and get me to stop voluntarily isolating myself? If I ended up single and alone I would very quickly stop seeing the point of living. I don't want to lose everyone but I just get so bored in so many people's company nowadays.
  3. I seem to have reached the point in my life where I pretty much don't care about anything or anyone other than my girlfriend anymore. Despite this, we argue regularly because I am 'difficult', cannot control my temper and have many many character flaws which I make absolutely no effort to work on or overcome. She however is attractive, upbeat, positive, comes from a wealthy family, has goals, ambitions, a good job etc. etc. basically the who package. Me? I pretty much scrape by doing as little as I can get away with and always have. I honestly don't get what she sees in me and genuinely think she would be better off with someone else who isn't such a f.ucking whiny little b.itch. I used to be a very outgoing and sociable person...now I actually look forward to time by myself as some sort of treat where I sit at home, watch other people playing video games on youtube and drink til I don't know my name anymore. I seem to consider this 'time off' from having to deal with the many other issues in my life which need resolving (yeh right...I am a spoiled, white, western, whiny middle class suburban male who wouldn't know a *real* life problem if it was staring him right in the face). I have a roof over my head, three meals a day, can afford to go on holiday etc. and yet I spend almost all my time these days feeling sorry for myself so next to no damn good reason. I actually burst into tears today because I somehow came to the conclusion that giving up on life seemed like a more adept solution than dealing with my problems like a 'man' would. I have nothing like the number of close friends as I used to, and the few remaining people I have in my life who are so gracious enough to still even talk to me I feel more and more disconnected from. Like I pretty much wouldn't care if they got hit by a bus tomorrow or not. Oh yeh and my mum is recovering from cancer, my brother is a full on schizophrenic who i will inevitably end up having to look after somehow even though i don't even live in the same country as him anymore and my dad died two years ago. tl;dr - wah wah wah, my privileged middle class upbringing has not sufficed me, I have to go create problems in my life which aren't even there to somehow feel something about myself. i honestly dont know why i dont just get it over and done with already...jesus f.ucking c.hrist spare me the effort...
  4. Your words have really struck a chord. My gf and my work feel more and more like the only things I have left. I have lost friends by the dozen over these past couple of years since my dad died. It definitely changed me, no longer have the same desire to go out and hang out and meet new people. Just wanna stay and home and watch youtube and stuff. Of the many friends I used to have, some of them don't even reply to my messages anymore and it hurts deeply. Then again I guess it'd be fair to say that I kind of turned my back on them more than the other way around. Either way, drinking is just an easy and non-labour intensive way of passing the time, but the impact on my mental health is horrendous. When I'm hungover I just want everything to end. Quite honestly my gf feels like one of the few people left who even wants to know me...and I'm only 30 years old. I thought people ended up like this when they're 50/60. Jesus....
  5. Little update. So my drinking is getting out of control. I found myself drinking til 4:30am yesterday for no real reason other than that I could - I'm AMAZED I'm not an absolute wreck today but somehow seem to still have a head on me. Might even get something useful done as well. The trigger was something as stupid as going to the dentist who I hate and that my gf was at her parents' place so I could get away with it. Plus I'm self employed and don't have much work at the moment due to covid or whatever so have no-one to answer to. I don't want to go down this path but it's just so easy to slip into bad habits. Sigh
  6. Anyone else seen a rise in the amount they've been drinking during the confinement? I've never exactly been an angel with my alcohol consumption but I've definitely been drinking a lot more than I've cared to let on during this lockdown. I've even been hiding it from my girlfriend who I live with. I have been waiting for her to fall asleep at night, sneaking out the bedroom and drinking alone in the dark until the early hours watching absolute rubbish on youtube. I did it again last night and almost got busted. She asked me where I went and I had to lie my way out by saying I received a work project at midnight which I wanted to do (feasible as I am a freelance translator, but sadly completely fictional). I really am not a dishonest person at all, if anything one of the things I feel good about myself for is that I do always try to be as honest as I can. I don't really know how much of all this one can blame on the confinement situation and how much of it was just there underneath the surface already, but either way I swore to myself this morning that I would end these midnight drinking sessions from now on. Plus the lockdown's over in my country now so that will help. I guess my main reason for drinking is boredom, not necessarily unhappiness. Reading stuff in the press about the effect the lockdown has had on people's drinking doesn't really make me feel better. Yeh lots of people have been drinking more but so what? It doesn't excuse my behaviour or make it ok. I dislike the dishonesty of it more than anything else. I'd say that my current drinking isn't problematic (i.e. hasn't caused rows, lost me work, broken off friendships, any of that stuff) and I have gone through periods of simply not wanting to drink at all. Either way I'm just glad we can go outside again now. Just venting really but thanks to anyone who's read. Good luck everyone with coming back to reality.
  7. thanks for both of your replies, they are very thoughtful and introspective. i guess i was more venting than anything else. while out for a walk today with my gf i suggested buying lunch for two homeless people we walked past in front of a supermarket. then afterwards suggested that we do the same for at least one homeless person a week from now on. would i be suggesting this if i wasn't with my gf? perhaps not. part of it is to try and make up for my actions in her eyes, i will admit. however part of it is a genuine act of good will - not to feel good about myself, but really to try and bring at least a smidge of happiness to someone in an otherwise difficult situation. no i do not like the callous mentality that i have grown at all, and in fact regularly use it as another stick to beat myself up with. it's a kind of sick vicious cycle. Atra you are absolutely right, i am very critical/hateful/negative towards others and therefore towards myself too. or perhaps the other way around. either way i do want to break this cycle. i wrote the post when i was in a depressed lul at 2 in the morning after arguing with my gf and so i guess was in a downward spiral mood. Anything thanks again for the kind words and the ideas you've put forwards. I DO care about others, i suppose just certain ones more than others if im being brutally honest. or perhaps i have to be in the right mood about caring for myself enough for me to be able to care about others too. i dunno. i know i am selfish and regularly put myself first and i am not proud of this at all. again i just use it as a reason to hate myself more at times. oh boy...
  8. i know im a not a nice guy, i shouted at a homeless guy in the street the other day calling him an an as.shole when he didn't say thank you after my gf got me to buy him a coffee. it was right in front of my gf and she was mortified, wouldn't speak to me all the way home. said it kept her up all night thinking about how ashamed she was of me to the point of it even making her reconsider wanting to be with me. she brought it back up the next day and got me to say i regret saying it and apologise etc. but to be completely honest i don't regret it, am not ashamed and would probably do it again. and i don't even care. just continuing to feel more and more detached and distanced from my life and the people in it over the past few weeks months years. if my gf breaks up with me i just simply wont even know where to start. we live in an apartment she owns so i'd be out the door and have to go live in a shared flat with a bunch of randomers which i dread. not lived with random flatmates for over 7 years, dont think i could really handle it tbh but living alone is expensive. i dont even know what to say. ive become less caring and more apathetic towards people including my gf. she wants to move to the countryside and i dont, but as it's her flat she's calling the shots cos she wants to sublet it out. even before the confinement i feel like she's been slipping away from me ever so slightly, and now being in each other's faces 24/7 for ages isn't really helping. she seems less loving towards me, like she cant stand me or even hates me sometimes. she's even pushed and hit and thrown things at me recently (none hard or serious at all. but a clear sign of her frustration towards me). i discovered meditation while travelling in Asia as a way of dealing with depression after my dad died 1 1/2 years ago. not done a single minute since coming back despite KNOWING how good it is for me (and anyone). why don't i still do it? one simple answer: laziness. i just can't be bloody bothered. it's like someone striking gold but not being bothered to pick any of it up and instead preferring to sit around in a pile of his own filth watching YouTube endlessly while his gf becomes less and less attracted to him. wish it would all just end. ive been enjoying life less and less for years now.
  9. Thanks, I think it's been a few days now and I hope that it continues. I do say "Yeh, but..." all the time against positive things, I like your idea of now trying to use them against negative things too. Cheers bud
  10. I've always known that I'm a negative, pessimistic person by nature and that I complain WAY too much, but lately I have been trying to turn that around for the sake of my friends and girlfriend so that they don't have to put up with my negativity and have to hear me complain all the time about everything. I dunno why it is but for some reason I always seem to hone right in on whatever is the negative aspect of any given situation. It's almost as if I think that picking holes in whatever it may been is somehow more 'interesting/funny/entertaining' and therefore deserves to be brought up and ridiculed. The reality is that no-one gives a damn about listening to other people whine all the time. They can see whatever the negative part is too but just don't seem to focus on it as much as I do. Sometimes it quite literally is ALL I see. Being positive for me requires CONSTANT focus about what I say and analysis before I open my mouth. Yesterday my gf turned round and told me that it was really annoying how I complained EVERY DAY about at lease one thing. It kinda sent me into a spiral for a bit so today I challenged myself to not complain once or say one single negative thing and I think I pretty much managed it. At the end of the day I told her about it and she said 'see don't you feel so much better?'. The answer is I don't really know to be honest...I guess I don't really feel that different although I'd say that it feels like an accomplishment which shouldn't need to be one. That's all I guess, just wanted to share that. Anyone else got any advice about how to not be that guy who whines 24/7 and says only positive stuff? Cheers
  11. I finally talked to my gf about something that's been bothering me a lot. I did some work and earned 10 dollars. Not much but better than a kick in the scrot. Gonna see a mate later I've not seen in a while.
  12. Oh yeh and I forgot to mention that how expensive kids are contributes to me not wanting them either. How am I going to get away with being the laziest f.ucker I know if I have to get up at 6am every morning to wipe up baby s.hit? I hope my gf dumps my ass ASAP, then at least I'd have a vaguely valid reason for disappearing off into the horizon
  13. A lot of my depression centres around constantly fretting about money and what the hell I'm gonna do in the future. I don't earn that much, am self employed and struggle daily with motivation and laziness. I don't come from a rich family either, I just kind of scrape by doing as little as I can get away with most of the time which doesn't exactly make me feel better but of course I know I have no-one else to blame but myself so I can't complain at all though I do anyway which I hate. I guess the culmination of these two worries is retirement and pensions. I know for a fact that if I even make it to retirement I will have to live on absolute PITTANCE. I guess a large part of me doesn't see that as a problem cos I'll have probably checked myself out by then anyway, guess you can call that a back up plan. Ways round not earning much is to lower your expenses i.e. moving to a third world country. I like travelling (who doesn't), am good at languages, can deal with heat and don't get bitten by mosquitoes much so could put up with living somewhere other than Europe. For a time I guess. When I went travelling to Asia last year I got a glimpse of what it's like to end up a fifty something year old western wash up on the beach drinking everyday. You meet these creepy old guys most of whom have married young local girls just to be able to stay and I thought to myself 'I don't wanna end up like that at all'. Now I guess it doesn't seem like all that bad of an idea. I dunno I just despise money and how in love with the stuff everyone seems to be. I wish I was dead so I didn't have to deal with any of this crap anymore. Oh and my wonderful girlfriend is absolutely loaded too so I find my meager income pretty embarrassing. I know it's not good to compare yourself to others but I do anyway. F.uck everything
  14. Anyone got any advice? Kinda don't really know what the hell to do..............
  15. Thanks for your message man. I don't really know what the hell I'm doing anymore tbh, it's like everything is so great on the surface that my gf has no idea. If only she knew what went on inside my head I'm sure it would shock her to her core. If we broke up and I went off somewhere then at least I have a kinda back up plan formulated in my head. Scuba diving is awesome and I can work on the side doing online translation. It's not all bleak
  16. feel c.rap, unmotivated, lazy, stuck, depressed, like I wanna play video games all day and forget my responsibilities. and wanna be alone What's new...
  17. Where to start... I guess I'd start by saying that things aren't bad. In fact the only bad stuff is what goes on in my head. I have a beautiful, PERFECT girlfriend, we live in her amazing apartment in the south of France, it's sunny, life is not that expensive, there are loads of things to do in the city we live in, I have good friends, yada yada yada, etc. And yet I just feel like packing my bag and walking out the door. I'm British, and I dunno how closely Americans are following the CATASTROPHE we've created called Brexit but basically as of the 31st of October I will no longer be an EU citizen. Now, having lived in France for at least 5 years, I automatically qualify for permanent residency. I tried to request nationality last year but they rejected me pretty much because I am self employed and don't earn that much - they prefer people with fixed contracts who pay loads of tax. If I'd got nationality then I wouldn't have to worry about anything - I could go and come as I please in and out of France and the EU for as long as I want and my right to stay, live and work here wouldn't be affected. Having permanent residency means that I can stay no problem, but I cannot leave France for more than 6 months at a time without losing that right. The main reason I asked for nationality isn't because I love France and want to go on living here, it's exactly the opposite: I want to leave. Then there's my absolutely perfect girlfriend. We plan to go travelling next year to Central America for some months then once we come back she wants to move to the countryside and have kids. I really don't want this and tbh I wish I did as it would make my life so much simpler. I've got it into my head that I want to move to some tropical country and train up to become a SCUBA diving instructor. Now, there are three possibilities why this idea has come to me: 1) I'm fed up of living in France and want to live in another country. I never planned on staying here this long but I've just ended up still here for one reason or another 2) I genuinely want to work as a SCUBA diving instructor. It doesn't pay well but is a passport to see the world, meet cool people, do this amazing sport everyday without having to pay for it (it's extremely expensive and I'm far from rich) 3) I want to use it as an excuse to drive a wedge between my gf and I so that she'll break up with me and I'll at last be free to do whatever I want to do with no constraints or dirty nappies (diapers). I know this is horrible and twisted. I am the most selfish p.rick I know.... Especially seeing as she has always been so patient and there for me. Imagine the perfect woman then times it by 1000 and you're still nowhere near how amazing a person she is. And yet I just want to chuck that all away and wipe the slate clean because I'm fed up to the absolute back teeth of having to listen to French people prattle on and on and on about how good the wine is and when's the next strike, blah blah blah... I've always been totally against getting married and having kids, partly because my family has never exactly been a model to go on: my much older dad had a stroke when I was 15 and was pretty much too ill/distant to really be there for us from then on, then he died last year at the age of 85, my parents didn't really have a marriage and my mum only stayed with him even though she knew he didn't love her because I asked her not to leave him when I was a kid (again very selfish), and my brother has schizophrenia and does nothing but get up at 4pm everyday, drink beer and watch TV. We are in contact with pretty much NONE of our extended family and NEVER get invited to stuff (weddings, reunions, etc.) predominantly because we have been marginalised due to my brother. Who wants the liability of a mental patient at their wedding?? etc. etc. I've spent some time with my friends' kids over the past few weeks and realised that actually they aren't that scary, but like F.UCK do I want them any time soon. In two years I don't see myself stuck at home with a baby, I see myself drinking beer on the beach discussing the cool sea life me and my new friends just saw on our latest dive. Throw in rock climbing on days off and banging the odd hot traveller chick every now and again and I'd be pretty much set. For a time, I know... It's not necessarily the best long-term plan but it'd at least buy me more time before being forced to settle down against my will. I'm almost 30 and my gf is 31. I know I'm being the CLASSIC guy who doesn't want to settle down but why does that have to be such a problem?? Why can't society accept that not everyone is head over heels mad about having kids?? I don't necessarily mind them that much but I just don't want any anytime soon. When people say they don't want kids, the reaction is always that something is wrong, that they'll change their minds, that they're not thinking straight. Actually no, some people just simply don't want them and why can't that be ok?? If you don't want kids, you're inhuman, you're an absolute MONSTER. What has been my reaction to all of this? Depression of course. What else? That is how my mind always reacts in the face of adversity or situations which are not ideal. I feel trapped like I can't really put a foot in any direction without screwing everything up and hurting my girlfriend deeply. After my dad died last year I descended into a deep depression which lasted months. I even broke up with my gf telling her that I needed to be alone to get my head together and that she should go find someone else who wants the same things as she did and stop wasting her time with me. I disappeared off to Asia for 4 months and then we got back together. It feels like every day with her I'm living a lie, stringing her along until the moment will come where everything blows up again, I get incredibly depressed and inevitably disappear off again into the horizon. Only this time the stakes are high cos if I don't come back then I'll lose my right to live and work freely in France. Going through visas and green cards is SUCH a hassle in France you wouldn't believe it. It feels like I'm now having to fight to stay in a place I no longer really want to be. What will the collateral be this time.......
  18. that's the first thought which comes to mind on waking up. oh no not another day...
  19. does anyone have any advice or kind words? im just feeling like i might snap at any minute and irreversibly make a fool of myself in front of the people around me
  20. So went away on holiday with my gf for a week and just stepping out the door and whoomph I felt so much better - depression? what's that? No idea what you're talking about everything's great why would I be depressed? We had a great week together and it really helped things, we didn't argue once. Now we're back home and i just can't stop fantasising about getting on the next flight to whereversville and disappearing. Not a single days goes past without me wanting to just vanish and never have to talk to anyone ever again. I had last night to myself and it just felt so good to be alone and not have to run anything by anyone else and just be able to do whatever I wanted. What did i do? got drunk and stoned and played video games til 4am. What should I have done? Had a alcohol and gone to bed as today I have some work to hand in plus my gf and I are converting a van into a campervan so I should be helping with that but of course I'm not, I'm just sitting on the sofa feeling absolutely miserable...for like no real reason! Things should be looking up - I've graduated now, I've started writing my book, I'm back to my freelance translation work so I should start earning money again, we're building this van so we can go road tripping for two months over the summer etc. but nonetheless I'm just thinking about ditching EVERYTHING and going to the other side of the planet, renting a little cabin somewhere by the beach and just being by myself for a long while so I can recharge my batteries without 'having' to do anything if I don't want to. I've just lost almost complete interest in talking to people - conversation bores me to death now as I just repeat the same old crap I've said to people a million times. Small talk is the necessary step to talking about more interesting stuff but it's so cringeworthy and annoying I can't be bothered anymore....I literally can't be fuc.ked. The guy who speaks four languages doesn't want to talk to anyone - it's ridiculous isn't it? I know I'd be throwing away a lot if I left plus I can't because I'm stuck here due to my nationality request still being processed. That plus of course I'd hurt my girlfriend and if we broke up I'd feel bad cos I'd break her heart etc. but depression turns you into such a selfish monster you kinda end up not caring about how it affects even the ones you love the most. She wants us to go live in the countryside and have kids and stuff but the honest truth is that I DON'T WANT KIDS and I don't know when/how to tell her. I feel bad about the idea of stringing her along until it suits me to tell her cos I'm wasting her prime child-bearing years and all but to be brutally honest, I kinda don't care about that either... :-( Sigh I don't know, I just dream about deshackling myself and not having to answer to anybody about it. But then again being alone gets boring and I get bored so quickly it's awful. I just feel kinda trapped and 'unjustifiably' depressed again/still. I don't know what to do...
  21. It's funny you say that because if anything I seem to blame others for my problems and always try to find excuses for my shortcomings. So anyway basically the cat's out the bag now, my girlfriend knows I'm down at the moment and have been for a while. It's weird to say that though because finishing my degree should be a happy moment and a time of celebration shouldn't it? So I don't really understand the timing of this lull. I've basically just been fantasising about being alonie and desperately look forward to times when I'll be by myself. I count down the days until my gf goes away at the weekends so I won't have anyone to annoy and be a liability to. I'm also concerned about my memory and how it seems to be getting worse? I never really thought that I had such bad memory until being with my gf and occasions when I forget stuff regularly come to light and end up affecting her. This of course just adds to my own negative image of myself, my self doubt and seeing myself as a liability. As I mentioned my gf is seriously on the ball and can be very bossy - but 'justifiably' so because what she says is almost always valid. This doesn't stop me increasingly hating it when she starts every other sentence with 'You have to do this/you have to not do this..." I CAN'T STAND BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO ALL THE TIME EVEN IF I'M WRONG AND THE OTHER PERSON IS RIGHT. We had another stupid argument last night - I ate some of her leftover Easter chocolate thinking that it was for us to share. It turns out that I (unbelievably stupidly) had just forgotten that I had already eaten my share despite us having an argument over it because I accidentally sat on one of the little eggs and it melted and stained the (her) sofa. As soon as I realised how dumb I'd been she flipped her lid and I immediately plummeted and quite frankly just wanted to jump out the window. All of this was while we were having dinner with her mother so that only added to the embarrassment. It's just become the accumulation of this stupid little - and sometimes large - things which has caused her to just get fed up with me. Afterwards, in bed we basically almost broke up. She said something like "well if it's like that then we might have to stop" and I didn't respond, just rolled over away from her. The thing is I could probably deal with us breaking up if I was on an even footing financially and this French nationality issue was over and done with. Then I could just pack my stuff and go travelling by myself which is, in all honesty, what I want to do. But I'm not at all, if we break up then I'll have to move out and find somewhere to live in some limbo until I can leave and it will just be such a headache. Plus we've bought a van together and are kitting it out into a campervan to go travelling in this summer so all of that plan would go to . SIGH. Last exam tomorrow then I'm done.
  22. Where to start... I signed up to these forums after my dad had another stroke a year and a half ago and my depression came back with a vengeance. He's 85, now in a home and when I phone him (don't see him often as live abroad) he only just about remembers who I am - he's pretty far gone now due to his Alzeimer's. It tears me to absolute shreds every time I call. Apart from that things are (or at least should be) great. I'm finishing university this week and have my last exam on Thursday. The major original cause for my depression was feeling like a failure when everyone else was succeeding around me due to dropping out twice in a row without ever even completing a semester. Now I have FINALLY got to the point of completing my degree 10 years after trying to the first time which is without a doubt the biggest personal achievement ever so I am really proud of myself for that. I should be revising right now really but am procrastinating/feeling too down to pick up my pen at the moment, I'm hoping that writing this will get it off my chest and I'll be able to get to work after. I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for just over two years now and she's the most perfect human being I've ever met. Despite how well things are going, I just can't help but feeling like a constant liability that drags her down and holds her back (something she has said herself). I'm lazy, selfish, often late, disorganised, self depricative, stressy, blame others for my shortcomings, am full of excuses, unpleasant and mostly think about myself before others - including her. The other day she sat me down and basically told me that she loves me but that if I keep being the way I am then she's gonna get fed up pretty quickly and in all honesty, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she turned round any moment and broke up with me. And I definitely wouldn't blame her in the slightest, she deserves WAY better than me. I genuinely couldn't fault her at all - it's overwhelmingly impressive how perfect a woman she is as she genuinely has no real flaws to speak of. Perhaps she's bossy and a bit of a control freak but with good reason because 9 times out of 10 she's right about something or has a better more logical way of doing it. I get annoyed when she tells me what to do but that's only because I'm frustrated that I didn't think of doing like that first. Anyway, for about a year and a half now, I've been becoming less and less sociable and want to go out much less than before. I used to be the most sociable guy you could imagine - always meeting new people and suggesting outings and activities but now I quite simply just want to stay at home in front of my computer. I feel that I have developed pretty bad social anxiety and regularly find that I have nothing to say in conversations, or at least if I do then I don’t feel much of a desire to say it and if I do pluck up the courage to say something then people often speak over me or interrupt me (which I HATE more than I can explain) and then I just can’t be bothered to try again. As a result, I worry that people find me boring. Worrying about what people think about me is definitely one of my biggest issues which I know is pathetic but I guess I’m much more insecure than I thought. I also pretend that I don’t get jealous but the truth is that I do - when my gf talks to certain friends of mine I find that she flirts with them and it pi**es me off no end especially seeing as it’s right in front of me. I don’t think she does it deliberately but I do find it very annoying. Just to explain - I live in France so most of my socialising is done in French, a language which I can speak very well but nonetheless adds an extra element to the chore which socialising has now become. When I tried to explain this to my gf she said that I was just making excuses again and I guess she’s right - having to socialise in French never used to be a problem. I’d say that I’m just royally fed up to the back teeth of absolutely everything right now. I’ve given my absolute utmost into getting this degree and perhaps I’ve just kind of run out of batteries. We’re planning on going travelling for a while (I’d like to leave for a year, my gf for six months) which I think will do me the world of good - a chance of scenery and language (I’m learning Spanish now, maybe part of it is just being fed up with speaking French all the time and living around French people 24/7). Part of me fantasises about booking a plane ticket to the other side of the world and just hoofing it til I can hoof it no longer. I work as a freelance translator for a website so I can work remotely from anywhere in the world - the absolute dream: working and travelling at the same time. However what is holding me (and so us) back is that I’ve applied for French nationality which will take at least a year to get, and even then it’s not guaranteed to be accepted. This therefore means having to mope around here in France for a good while more before I can finally break free and go exploring some place else. TL;DR - things are basically ok but my depression leaps out from around the corner at any given moment and puts me in a strangle hold. I love my gf to bits but a large part of me just wants to move country and be alone for a good long while so I don’t have to annoy anyone and no one annoys me. I’d also like to find the time to stop stressing about menial things and be able to write my book. Also, I hate money and having to earn it to make life feasible. Maybe I’ll go and live in a Buddhist temple and meditate every day for a while, it can only do me good. Thanks for reading. Be strong and love you guys
  23. Meds are certainly one way of addressing the issues although that said they only made me worse really. Plus taking antidepressers affected my sexual performance (in that I could never finish, it would literally take me hours and that in itself was a frustration). I live in France and work as a freelance translator and interpreter. I translate mainly for refugees but the French state has cut all of the funding for associations so basically none of them can afford to hire me anymore so at the moment I'm trying to find written translation work online but progress is slow because I'm unqualified, am lazy and procrastinate a lot. Self motivation is certainly proving to be another hurdle to overcome. Plus my girlfriend is also on the other side of the planet at the moment, my dad is wasting away of Dementia in a nursing home back in England and my alcoholic brother suffers from mental illness and is basically an enormous disappointment so things are far from simple for me at the moment. What do I do to resist negative thoughts? Well it's really up and down: sometimes I manage and sometimes just the slightest trigger can set me off. Eating properly and not skipping meals makes a gigantic difference although feeling down and being too lazy to cook turns into an vicious circle. What I'd like to do with my education is finish my degree (literally any old degree just for the piece of paper) and move on to do a Masters in conference interpreting. Money permitting obviously, but that's another kettle of fish. Oh for a simple life and an understanding entourage... Feel free to pm me whenever you life
  24. Hi dude, I feel compelled to reply to your story as I see a great deal of similarities in it compared to my own. I haven't even been on these forums for 3 months and then out of nowhere I log on and read your story. I myself have dropped out of university not one, two but three times now and I'm hoping that I'll get accepted back in September on a different program - I just turned 27 and I have never once successfully completed a single year of uni. I too have attempted suicide multiple times and have spent a lot of time seeing others surpass me and ended up feeling embarassed and like a failure as a result. I suffered from crippling chronic back pain for two and a half years which thankfully finally ended a year ago, but that too was a major source of depression and feelings of self worthlessness. I urge you to read this book - 'Healing back pain' by Dr John E Sarno. It literally saved my life and I've not had a day of pain ever since. He doesn't just address back pain but all sorts of chronic pain, and for me my pain was all due to repressed emotions that I'd been covering up i.e. my depression and suicide attempts. It only costs like 10 dollars and could help you just as much as it did me, what have you got to lose? https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Back-Pain-Mind-Body-Connection/dp/0446557684 Apart from that, all I can say is, and I know how cheesy, annoying and glib this is, but please don't give up. As much as your 'other mind' (as I like to call it) is repeatedly telling you how much of a useless pile of horse s.hit you are it is not right. For me, improving my depression focussed a lot on developing the ability to just not listen to it, no matter how compelling or convincing its arguments may seem. I've definitely been where you are man and I sympathise enormously. I know exactly how it feels and how utterly soul destroying it is to have all your energy sapped out of you by these constant negative thoughts. It's great that you've found yourself a girlfriend, bravo that's an accomplishment in itself for which your should feel proud about. You achieved something just by talking to her for the first time so recognise that for what it is. As for the erectile dysfunction I'm no expert but perhaps a lot of it is due to stress and over thinking things - I'd say it definitely sounds linked to your previous experiences so look back over them and see if you can draw any conclusions. I highly doubt that watching too much porn has caused it (I watch it incessantly and it's never happened to me so don't worry about that, although of course everyone is different). Boredom is a massive issue with depression and lord knows it is in my case. I get so bored it's unbearable. Take up a new hobby or a sport, get some exercise the endorphines will do you good. Join a club at your uni, it'll also get you out of the house and meeting new people and having new experiences. Mine is rock climbing, juggling and painting. You may discover something about yourself that you didn't know before or some hidden talent or passion you weren't aware of. More than anything good luck and I really hope you feel better soon. Counselling saved me - go seek the help of a professional at your uni, I'm sure there is one. Love and hugs
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