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everythingsgonnabealright

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  1. Your words have really struck a chord. My gf and my work feel more and more like the only things I have left. I have lost friends by the dozen over these past couple of years since my dad died. It definitely changed me, no longer have the same desire to go out and hang out and meet new people. Just wanna stay and home and watch youtube and stuff. Of the many friends I used to have, some of them don't even reply to my messages anymore and it hurts deeply. Then again I guess it'd be fair to say that I kind of turned my back on them more than the other way around. Either way, drinking is just an easy and non-labour intensive way of passing the time, but the impact on my mental health is horrendous. When I'm hungover I just want everything to end. Quite honestly my gf feels like one of the few people left who even wants to know me...and I'm only 30 years old. I thought people ended up like this when they're 50/60. Jesus....
  2. Little update. So my drinking is getting out of control. I found myself drinking til 4:30am yesterday for no real reason other than that I could - I'm AMAZED I'm not an absolute wreck today but somehow seem to still have a head on me. Might even get something useful done as well. The trigger was something as stupid as going to the dentist who I hate and that my gf was at her parents' place so I could get away with it. Plus I'm self employed and don't have much work at the moment due to covid or whatever so have no-one to answer to. I don't want to go down this path but it's just so easy to slip into bad habits. Sigh
  3. Anyone else seen a rise in the amount they've been drinking during the confinement? I've never exactly been an angel with my alcohol consumption but I've definitely been drinking a lot more than I've cared to let on during this lockdown. I've even been hiding it from my girlfriend who I live with. I have been waiting for her to fall asleep at night, sneaking out the bedroom and drinking alone in the dark until the early hours watching absolute rubbish on youtube. I did it again last night and almost got busted. She asked me where I went and I had to lie my way out by saying I received a work project at midnight which I wanted to do (feasible as I am a freelance translator, but sadly completely fictional). I really am not a dishonest person at all, if anything one of the things I feel good about myself for is that I do always try to be as honest as I can. I don't really know how much of all this one can blame on the confinement situation and how much of it was just there underneath the surface already, but either way I swore to myself this morning that I would end these midnight drinking sessions from now on. Plus the lockdown's over in my country now so that will help. I guess my main reason for drinking is boredom, not necessarily unhappiness. Reading stuff in the press about the effect the lockdown has had on people's drinking doesn't really make me feel better. Yeh lots of people have been drinking more but so what? It doesn't excuse my behaviour or make it ok. I dislike the dishonesty of it more than anything else. I'd say that my current drinking isn't problematic (i.e. hasn't caused rows, lost me work, broken off friendships, any of that stuff) and I have gone through periods of simply not wanting to drink at all. Either way I'm just glad we can go outside again now. Just venting really but thanks to anyone who's read. Good luck everyone with coming back to reality.
  4. thanks for both of your replies, they are very thoughtful and introspective. i guess i was more venting than anything else. while out for a walk today with my gf i suggested buying lunch for two homeless people we walked past in front of a supermarket. then afterwards suggested that we do the same for at least one homeless person a week from now on. would i be suggesting this if i wasn't with my gf? perhaps not. part of it is to try and make up for my actions in her eyes, i will admit. however part of it is a genuine act of good will - not to feel good about myself, but really to try and bring at least a smidge of happiness to someone in an otherwise difficult situation. no i do not like the callous mentality that i have grown at all, and in fact regularly use it as another stick to beat myself up with. it's a kind of sick vicious cycle. Atra you are absolutely right, i am very critical/hateful/negative towards others and therefore towards myself too. or perhaps the other way around. either way i do want to break this cycle. i wrote the post when i was in a depressed lul at 2 in the morning after arguing with my gf and so i guess was in a downward spiral mood. Anything thanks again for the kind words and the ideas you've put forwards. I DO care about others, i suppose just certain ones more than others if im being brutally honest. or perhaps i have to be in the right mood about caring for myself enough for me to be able to care about others too. i dunno. i know i am selfish and regularly put myself first and i am not proud of this at all. again i just use it as a reason to hate myself more at times. oh boy...
  5. i know im a not a nice guy, i shouted at a homeless guy in the street the other day calling him an an as.shole when he didn't say thank you after my gf got me to buy him a coffee. it was right in front of my gf and she was mortified, wouldn't speak to me all the way home. said it kept her up all night thinking about how ashamed she was of me to the point of it even making her reconsider wanting to be with me. she brought it back up the next day and got me to say i regret saying it and apologise etc. but to be completely honest i don't regret it, am not ashamed and would probably do it again. and i don't even care. just continuing to feel more and more detached and distanced from my life and the people in it over the past few weeks months years. if my gf breaks up with me i just simply wont even know where to start. we live in an apartment she owns so i'd be out the door and have to go live in a shared flat with a bunch of randomers which i dread. not lived with random flatmates for over 7 years, dont think i could really handle it tbh but living alone is expensive. i dont even know what to say. ive become less caring and more apathetic towards people including my gf. she wants to move to the countryside and i dont, but as it's her flat she's calling the shots cos she wants to sublet it out. even before the confinement i feel like she's been slipping away from me ever so slightly, and now being in each other's faces 24/7 for ages isn't really helping. she seems less loving towards me, like she cant stand me or even hates me sometimes. she's even pushed and hit and thrown things at me recently (none hard or serious at all. but a clear sign of her frustration towards me). i discovered meditation while travelling in Asia as a way of dealing with depression after my dad died 1 1/2 years ago. not done a single minute since coming back despite KNOWING how good it is for me (and anyone). why don't i still do it? one simple answer: laziness. i just can't be bloody bothered. it's like someone striking gold but not being bothered to pick any of it up and instead preferring to sit around in a pile of his own filth watching YouTube endlessly while his gf becomes less and less attracted to him. wish it would all just end. ive been enjoying life less and less for years now.
  6. Thanks, I think it's been a few days now and I hope that it continues. I do say "Yeh, but..." all the time against positive things, I like your idea of now trying to use them against negative things too. Cheers bud
  7. I've always known that I'm a negative, pessimistic person by nature and that I complain WAY too much, but lately I have been trying to turn that around for the sake of my friends and girlfriend so that they don't have to put up with my negativity and have to hear me complain all the time about everything. I dunno why it is but for some reason I always seem to hone right in on whatever is the negative aspect of any given situation. It's almost as if I think that picking holes in whatever it may been is somehow more 'interesting/funny/entertaining' and therefore deserves to be brought up and ridiculed. The reality is that no-one gives a damn about listening to other people whine all the time. They can see whatever the negative part is too but just don't seem to focus on it as much as I do. Sometimes it quite literally is ALL I see. Being positive for me requires CONSTANT focus about what I say and analysis before I open my mouth. Yesterday my gf turned round and told me that it was really annoying how I complained EVERY DAY about at lease one thing. It kinda sent me into a spiral for a bit so today I challenged myself to not complain once or say one single negative thing and I think I pretty much managed it. At the end of the day I told her about it and she said 'see don't you feel so much better?'. The answer is I don't really know to be honest...I guess I don't really feel that different although I'd say that it feels like an accomplishment which shouldn't need to be one. That's all I guess, just wanted to share that. Anyone else got any advice about how to not be that guy who whines 24/7 and says only positive stuff? Cheers
  8. I finally talked to my gf about something that's been bothering me a lot. I did some work and earned 10 dollars. Not much but better than a kick in the scrot. Gonna see a mate later I've not seen in a while.
  9. Oh yeh and I forgot to mention that how expensive kids are contributes to me not wanting them either. How am I going to get away with being the laziest f.ucker I know if I have to get up at 6am every morning to wipe up baby s.hit? I hope my gf dumps my ass ASAP, then at least I'd have a vaguely valid reason for disappearing off into the horizon
  10. A lot of my depression centres around constantly fretting about money and what the hell I'm gonna do in the future. I don't earn that much, am self employed and struggle daily with motivation and laziness. I don't come from a rich family either, I just kind of scrape by doing as little as I can get away with most of the time which doesn't exactly make me feel better but of course I know I have no-one else to blame but myself so I can't complain at all though I do anyway which I hate. I guess the culmination of these two worries is retirement and pensions. I know for a fact that if I even make it to retirement I will have to live on absolute PITTANCE. I guess a large part of me doesn't see that as a problem cos I'll have probably checked myself out by then anyway, guess you can call that a back up plan. Ways round not earning much is to lower your expenses i.e. moving to a third world country. I like travelling (who doesn't), am good at languages, can deal with heat and don't get bitten by mosquitoes much so could put up with living somewhere other than Europe. For a time I guess. When I went travelling to Asia last year I got a glimpse of what it's like to end up a fifty something year old western wash up on the beach drinking everyday. You meet these creepy old guys most of whom have married young local girls just to be able to stay and I thought to myself 'I don't wanna end up like that at all'. Now I guess it doesn't seem like all that bad of an idea. I dunno I just despise money and how in love with the stuff everyone seems to be. I wish I was dead so I didn't have to deal with any of this crap anymore. Oh and my wonderful girlfriend is absolutely loaded too so I find my meager income pretty embarrassing. I know it's not good to compare yourself to others but I do anyway. F.uck everything
  11. Anyone got any advice? Kinda don't really know what the hell to do..............
  12. Thanks for your message man. I don't really know what the hell I'm doing anymore tbh, it's like everything is so great on the surface that my gf has no idea. If only she knew what went on inside my head I'm sure it would shock her to her core. If we broke up and I went off somewhere then at least I have a kinda back up plan formulated in my head. Scuba diving is awesome and I can work on the side doing online translation. It's not all bleak
  13. feel c.rap, unmotivated, lazy, stuck, depressed, like I wanna play video games all day and forget my responsibilities. and wanna be alone What's new...
  14. Where to start... I guess I'd start by saying that things aren't bad. In fact the only bad stuff is what goes on in my head. I have a beautiful, PERFECT girlfriend, we live in her amazing apartment in the south of France, it's sunny, life is not that expensive, there are loads of things to do in the city we live in, I have good friends, yada yada yada, etc. And yet I just feel like packing my bag and walking out the door. I'm British, and I dunno how closely Americans are following the CATASTROPHE we've created called Brexit but basically as of the 31st of October I will no longer be an EU citizen. Now, having lived in France for at least 5 years, I automatically qualify for permanent residency. I tried to request nationality last year but they rejected me pretty much because I am self employed and don't earn that much - they prefer people with fixed contracts who pay loads of tax. If I'd got nationality then I wouldn't have to worry about anything - I could go and come as I please in and out of France and the EU for as long as I want and my right to stay, live and work here wouldn't be affected. Having permanent residency means that I can stay no problem, but I cannot leave France for more than 6 months at a time without losing that right. The main reason I asked for nationality isn't because I love France and want to go on living here, it's exactly the opposite: I want to leave. Then there's my absolutely perfect girlfriend. We plan to go travelling next year to Central America for some months then once we come back she wants to move to the countryside and have kids. I really don't want this and tbh I wish I did as it would make my life so much simpler. I've got it into my head that I want to move to some tropical country and train up to become a SCUBA diving instructor. Now, there are three possibilities why this idea has come to me: 1) I'm fed up of living in France and want to live in another country. I never planned on staying here this long but I've just ended up still here for one reason or another 2) I genuinely want to work as a SCUBA diving instructor. It doesn't pay well but is a passport to see the world, meet cool people, do this amazing sport everyday without having to pay for it (it's extremely expensive and I'm far from rich) 3) I want to use it as an excuse to drive a wedge between my gf and I so that she'll break up with me and I'll at last be free to do whatever I want to do with no constraints or dirty nappies (diapers). I know this is horrible and twisted. I am the most selfish p.rick I know.... Especially seeing as she has always been so patient and there for me. Imagine the perfect woman then times it by 1000 and you're still nowhere near how amazing a person she is. And yet I just want to chuck that all away and wipe the slate clean because I'm fed up to the absolute back teeth of having to listen to French people prattle on and on and on about how good the wine is and when's the next strike, blah blah blah... I've always been totally against getting married and having kids, partly because my family has never exactly been a model to go on: my much older dad had a stroke when I was 15 and was pretty much too ill/distant to really be there for us from then on, then he died last year at the age of 85, my parents didn't really have a marriage and my mum only stayed with him even though she knew he didn't love her because I asked her not to leave him when I was a kid (again very selfish), and my brother has schizophrenia and does nothing but get up at 4pm everyday, drink beer and watch TV. We are in contact with pretty much NONE of our extended family and NEVER get invited to stuff (weddings, reunions, etc.) predominantly because we have been marginalised due to my brother. Who wants the liability of a mental patient at their wedding?? etc. etc. I've spent some time with my friends' kids over the past few weeks and realised that actually they aren't that scary, but like F.UCK do I want them any time soon. In two years I don't see myself stuck at home with a baby, I see myself drinking beer on the beach discussing the cool sea life me and my new friends just saw on our latest dive. Throw in rock climbing on days off and banging the odd hot traveller chick every now and again and I'd be pretty much set. For a time, I know... It's not necessarily the best long-term plan but it'd at least buy me more time before being forced to settle down against my will. I'm almost 30 and my gf is 31. I know I'm being the CLASSIC guy who doesn't want to settle down but why does that have to be such a problem?? Why can't society accept that not everyone is head over heels mad about having kids?? I don't necessarily mind them that much but I just don't want any anytime soon. When people say they don't want kids, the reaction is always that something is wrong, that they'll change their minds, that they're not thinking straight. Actually no, some people just simply don't want them and why can't that be ok?? If you don't want kids, you're inhuman, you're an absolute MONSTER. What has been my reaction to all of this? Depression of course. What else? That is how my mind always reacts in the face of adversity or situations which are not ideal. I feel trapped like I can't really put a foot in any direction without screwing everything up and hurting my girlfriend deeply. After my dad died last year I descended into a deep depression which lasted months. I even broke up with my gf telling her that I needed to be alone to get my head together and that she should go find someone else who wants the same things as she did and stop wasting her time with me. I disappeared off to Asia for 4 months and then we got back together. It feels like every day with her I'm living a lie, stringing her along until the moment will come where everything blows up again, I get incredibly depressed and inevitably disappear off again into the horizon. Only this time the stakes are high cos if I don't come back then I'll lose my right to live and work freely in France. Going through visas and green cards is SUCH a hassle in France you wouldn't believe it. It feels like I'm now having to fight to stay in a place I no longer really want to be. What will the collateral be this time.......
  15. that's the first thought which comes to mind on waking up. oh no not another day...
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