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everythingsgonnabealright

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  1. Oh boy where to even start. I'd just like to preface this by saying that I am an whiny, spoilt, white, middle class westerner with a comfortable life in a country that is not at war, I have three meals a day, a roof over my head, a gf who says she loves me and I work for myself. And yet I have been here so many times I have lost count by now: I genuinely do not see the point of going on. Why even bother when all the efforts I make turn to ashes in my mouth and all I ever do is p.iss everyone around me off by complaining about my problems and being negative about everything CONSTANTLY? This is how I see myself: Positive things about me - I am bilingual - I give good massages - I am relatively good looking that's it. Negative things about me Phew...you got all day? - I manage to see the negative side to EVERYTHING - even things that are 100% positive, my mind will automatically switch to picking some hole or finding some flaw in it and mark my words, everyone around me will hear about it - I have slowly but surely been losing myself over the past three years. I used to be funny, charismatic, interested, interesting, engaging, passionate, etc. Now? I spent my life watching Youtube (and more recently playing my switch which I bought to survive dying of boredom during this second confinement), I barely go out (but I guess that's more covid than anything recently), I find I have almost nothing to add to the majority of conversations, even when they are about topics that I know well or am interested in and therefore constantly worry that people find me boring...which I guess they must do (I am as insecure as it gets...) - I used to have more friends than I could shake a stick at. Now, people actively do not invite me to stuff. All of the close friends I actually care about have left the city I live in and almost all of the ones that are left I see less and less. The only real person I have is my girlfriend and ALL I do now is constantly annoy, disappoint or otherwise generally make her unhappy in one way or another. Case in point: she just walked in asking if I noticed anything different. I literally could not see anything. I know her mother is about to dye her hair so I was looking at it saying "has she dyed your hair already then? I can't see it". She says no then tells me that her mother actually just cut off about a foot of her hair. Even when I put my glasses on I could still not see the difference. I feel like such a fool as normally I am really good at noticing stuff like that - plus it's absolutely CLASSIC idiot man in some romcom who doesn't notice when his gf does something to her hair and then she goes and complains about him to all her friends. AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHGGHGHGH LAST THING I NEED RIGHT NOW IS TO P.ISS HER OFF EVEN MORE THAN I ALREADY DO ALL THE TIME EVERY DAY. She is one of the few people I have left who even has the decency to TALK to me. And predictably once again as ever always I have not cut the mustard and only shown what an incredible disappointment of a human being I am. AAAAAAGHGHGHGHGHGHG - I successfully managed to lose quite a good client two days ago because I sent him an email asking him to pay my last three invoices which were late. Apparently I was 'rude' and he now no longer wants to work with me. Great. Absolutely perfect right in the middle of a worldwide economic crisis that is far worse than WW2 and 911 combined. Do I have the strength or the energy to go and find new clients? I gotta be honest, I really really don't think I do... - Apparently I am aggressive, short tempered and often rude...and yet I do not realise it. My mother has been saying this for years and now my gf does too. I guess it's just in my nature to be a COMPLETE a.ss.hole to the people around me I love most. So that's great, especially seeing as now the two things that come out my mouth most often are 'sorry' and 'I didn't mean it that way'. Really great. - I have colossal issues about how I see money. I hate the stuff more than I could ever describe. How it divides, ruins, spoils and corrupts people. How I never feel I have earned enough of it and am incredibly jealous of people who have more of it than I do (e.g. my gf who has just purchased not her first, but second property - a house this time - at the age of 32). How I used to, and sometimes still do, lie awake a night worrying about what the hell am I going to do about this or that and how will I take care of my schizophrenic brother who lives in another country when my mum dies etc. etc. ? - I run away from stuff and give up as soon as the going gets a little tough - I could go on and on and on but I'll only come back to my catchphrase these days: what's the b.loody point...? f.uck everything
  2. Reading this topic has really moved and saddened me because I feel that I am on the brink of being almost totally alone except for my girlfriend with whom I have a troubled relationship because I am so difficult and unmanageable. I have fewer and fewer friends by the day and yet less and less desire to go out and make the effort to make new ones (Covid not exactly helping that either). Could someone give me some advice to shake me up and get me to stop voluntarily isolating myself? If I ended up single and alone I would very quickly stop seeing the point of living. I don't want to lose everyone but I just get so bored in so many people's company nowadays.
  3. I seem to have reached the point in my life where I pretty much don't care about anything or anyone other than my girlfriend anymore. Despite this, we argue regularly because I am 'difficult', cannot control my temper and have many many character flaws which I make absolutely no effort to work on or overcome. She however is attractive, upbeat, positive, comes from a wealthy family, has goals, ambitions, a good job etc. etc. basically the who package. Me? I pretty much scrape by doing as little as I can get away with and always have. I honestly don't get what she sees in me and genuinely think she would be better off with someone else who isn't such a f.ucking whiny little b.itch. I used to be a very outgoing and sociable person...now I actually look forward to time by myself as some sort of treat where I sit at home, watch other people playing video games on youtube and drink til I don't know my name anymore. I seem to consider this 'time off' from having to deal with the many other issues in my life which need resolving (yeh right...I am a spoiled, white, western, whiny middle class suburban male who wouldn't know a *real* life problem if it was staring him right in the face). I have a roof over my head, three meals a day, can afford to go on holiday etc. and yet I spend almost all my time these days feeling sorry for myself so next to no damn good reason. I actually burst into tears today because I somehow came to the conclusion that giving up on life seemed like a more adept solution than dealing with my problems like a 'man' would. I have nothing like the number of close friends as I used to, and the few remaining people I have in my life who are so gracious enough to still even talk to me I feel more and more disconnected from. Like I pretty much wouldn't care if they got hit by a bus tomorrow or not. Oh yeh and my mum is recovering from cancer, my brother is a full on schizophrenic who i will inevitably end up having to look after somehow even though i don't even live in the same country as him anymore and my dad died two years ago. tl;dr - wah wah wah, my privileged middle class upbringing has not sufficed me, I have to go create problems in my life which aren't even there to somehow feel something about myself. i honestly dont know why i dont just get it over and done with already...jesus f.ucking c.hrist spare me the effort...
  4. Your words have really struck a chord. My gf and my work feel more and more like the only things I have left. I have lost friends by the dozen over these past couple of years since my dad died. It definitely changed me, no longer have the same desire to go out and hang out and meet new people. Just wanna stay and home and watch youtube and stuff. Of the many friends I used to have, some of them don't even reply to my messages anymore and it hurts deeply. Then again I guess it'd be fair to say that I kind of turned my back on them more than the other way around. Either way, drinking is just an easy and non-labour intensive way of passing the time, but the impact on my mental health is horrendous. When I'm hungover I just want everything to end. Quite honestly my gf feels like one of the few people left who even wants to know me...and I'm only 30 years old. I thought people ended up like this when they're 50/60. Jesus....
  5. Little update. So my drinking is getting out of control. I found myself drinking til 4:30am yesterday for no real reason other than that I could - I'm AMAZED I'm not an absolute wreck today but somehow seem to still have a head on me. Might even get something useful done as well. The trigger was something as stupid as going to the dentist who I hate and that my gf was at her parents' place so I could get away with it. Plus I'm self employed and don't have much work at the moment due to covid or whatever so have no-one to answer to. I don't want to go down this path but it's just so easy to slip into bad habits. Sigh
  6. Anyone else seen a rise in the amount they've been drinking during the confinement? I've never exactly been an angel with my alcohol consumption but I've definitely been drinking a lot more than I've cared to let on during this lockdown. I've even been hiding it from my girlfriend who I live with. I have been waiting for her to fall asleep at night, sneaking out the bedroom and drinking alone in the dark until the early hours watching absolute rubbish on youtube. I did it again last night and almost got busted. She asked me where I went and I had to lie my way out by saying I received a work project at midnight which I wanted to do (feasible as I am a freelance translator, but sadly completely fictional). I really am not a dishonest person at all, if anything one of the things I feel good about myself for is that I do always try to be as honest as I can. I don't really know how much of all this one can blame on the confinement situation and how much of it was just there underneath the surface already, but either way I swore to myself this morning that I would end these midnight drinking sessions from now on. Plus the lockdown's over in my country now so that will help. I guess my main reason for drinking is boredom, not necessarily unhappiness. Reading stuff in the press about the effect the lockdown has had on people's drinking doesn't really make me feel better. Yeh lots of people have been drinking more but so what? It doesn't excuse my behaviour or make it ok. I dislike the dishonesty of it more than anything else. I'd say that my current drinking isn't problematic (i.e. hasn't caused rows, lost me work, broken off friendships, any of that stuff) and I have gone through periods of simply not wanting to drink at all. Either way I'm just glad we can go outside again now. Just venting really but thanks to anyone who's read. Good luck everyone with coming back to reality.
  7. thanks for both of your replies, they are very thoughtful and introspective. i guess i was more venting than anything else. while out for a walk today with my gf i suggested buying lunch for two homeless people we walked past in front of a supermarket. then afterwards suggested that we do the same for at least one homeless person a week from now on. would i be suggesting this if i wasn't with my gf? perhaps not. part of it is to try and make up for my actions in her eyes, i will admit. however part of it is a genuine act of good will - not to feel good about myself, but really to try and bring at least a smidge of happiness to someone in an otherwise difficult situation. no i do not like the callous mentality that i have grown at all, and in fact regularly use it as another stick to beat myself up with. it's a kind of sick vicious cycle. Atra you are absolutely right, i am very critical/hateful/negative towards others and therefore towards myself too. or perhaps the other way around. either way i do want to break this cycle. i wrote the post when i was in a depressed lul at 2 in the morning after arguing with my gf and so i guess was in a downward spiral mood. Anything thanks again for the kind words and the ideas you've put forwards. I DO care about others, i suppose just certain ones more than others if im being brutally honest. or perhaps i have to be in the right mood about caring for myself enough for me to be able to care about others too. i dunno. i know i am selfish and regularly put myself first and i am not proud of this at all. again i just use it as a reason to hate myself more at times. oh boy...
  8. i know im a not a nice guy, i shouted at a homeless guy in the street the other day calling him an an as.shole when he didn't say thank you after my gf got me to buy him a coffee. it was right in front of my gf and she was mortified, wouldn't speak to me all the way home. said it kept her up all night thinking about how ashamed she was of me to the point of it even making her reconsider wanting to be with me. she brought it back up the next day and got me to say i regret saying it and apologise etc. but to be completely honest i don't regret it, am not ashamed and would probably do it again. and i don't even care. just continuing to feel more and more detached and distanced from my life and the people in it over the past few weeks months years. if my gf breaks up with me i just simply wont even know where to start. we live in an apartment she owns so i'd be out the door and have to go live in a shared flat with a bunch of randomers which i dread. not lived with random flatmates for over 7 years, dont think i could really handle it tbh but living alone is expensive. i dont even know what to say. ive become less caring and more apathetic towards people including my gf. she wants to move to the countryside and i dont, but as it's her flat she's calling the shots cos she wants to sublet it out. even before the confinement i feel like she's been slipping away from me ever so slightly, and now being in each other's faces 24/7 for ages isn't really helping. she seems less loving towards me, like she cant stand me or even hates me sometimes. she's even pushed and hit and thrown things at me recently (none hard or serious at all. but a clear sign of her frustration towards me). i discovered meditation while travelling in Asia as a way of dealing with depression after my dad died 1 1/2 years ago. not done a single minute since coming back despite KNOWING how good it is for me (and anyone). why don't i still do it? one simple answer: laziness. i just can't be bloody bothered. it's like someone striking gold but not being bothered to pick any of it up and instead preferring to sit around in a pile of his own filth watching YouTube endlessly while his gf becomes less and less attracted to him. wish it would all just end. ive been enjoying life less and less for years now.
  9. Thanks, I think it's been a few days now and I hope that it continues. I do say "Yeh, but..." all the time against positive things, I like your idea of now trying to use them against negative things too. Cheers bud
  10. I've always known that I'm a negative, pessimistic person by nature and that I complain WAY too much, but lately I have been trying to turn that around for the sake of my friends and girlfriend so that they don't have to put up with my negativity and have to hear me complain all the time about everything. I dunno why it is but for some reason I always seem to hone right in on whatever is the negative aspect of any given situation. It's almost as if I think that picking holes in whatever it may been is somehow more 'interesting/funny/entertaining' and therefore deserves to be brought up and ridiculed. The reality is that no-one gives a damn about listening to other people whine all the time. They can see whatever the negative part is too but just don't seem to focus on it as much as I do. Sometimes it quite literally is ALL I see. Being positive for me requires CONSTANT focus about what I say and analysis before I open my mouth. Yesterday my gf turned round and told me that it was really annoying how I complained EVERY DAY about at lease one thing. It kinda sent me into a spiral for a bit so today I challenged myself to not complain once or say one single negative thing and I think I pretty much managed it. At the end of the day I told her about it and she said 'see don't you feel so much better?'. The answer is I don't really know to be honest...I guess I don't really feel that different although I'd say that it feels like an accomplishment which shouldn't need to be one. That's all I guess, just wanted to share that. Anyone else got any advice about how to not be that guy who whines 24/7 and says only positive stuff? Cheers
  11. I finally talked to my gf about something that's been bothering me a lot. I did some work and earned 10 dollars. Not much but better than a kick in the scrot. Gonna see a mate later I've not seen in a while.
  12. Oh yeh and I forgot to mention that how expensive kids are contributes to me not wanting them either. How am I going to get away with being the laziest f.ucker I know if I have to get up at 6am every morning to wipe up baby s.hit? I hope my gf dumps my ass ASAP, then at least I'd have a vaguely valid reason for disappearing off into the horizon
  13. A lot of my depression centres around constantly fretting about money and what the hell I'm gonna do in the future. I don't earn that much, am self employed and struggle daily with motivation and laziness. I don't come from a rich family either, I just kind of scrape by doing as little as I can get away with most of the time which doesn't exactly make me feel better but of course I know I have no-one else to blame but myself so I can't complain at all though I do anyway which I hate. I guess the culmination of these two worries is retirement and pensions. I know for a fact that if I even make it to retirement I will have to live on absolute PITTANCE. I guess a large part of me doesn't see that as a problem cos I'll have probably checked myself out by then anyway, guess you can call that a back up plan. Ways round not earning much is to lower your expenses i.e. moving to a third world country. I like travelling (who doesn't), am good at languages, can deal with heat and don't get bitten by mosquitoes much so could put up with living somewhere other than Europe. For a time I guess. When I went travelling to Asia last year I got a glimpse of what it's like to end up a fifty something year old western wash up on the beach drinking everyday. You meet these creepy old guys most of whom have married young local girls just to be able to stay and I thought to myself 'I don't wanna end up like that at all'. Now I guess it doesn't seem like all that bad of an idea. I dunno I just despise money and how in love with the stuff everyone seems to be. I wish I was dead so I didn't have to deal with any of this crap anymore. Oh and my wonderful girlfriend is absolutely loaded too so I find my meager income pretty embarrassing. I know it's not good to compare yourself to others but I do anyway. F.uck everything
  14. Anyone got any advice? Kinda don't really know what the hell to do..............
  15. Thanks for your message man. I don't really know what the hell I'm doing anymore tbh, it's like everything is so great on the surface that my gf has no idea. If only she knew what went on inside my head I'm sure it would shock her to her core. If we broke up and I went off somewhere then at least I have a kinda back up plan formulated in my head. Scuba diving is awesome and I can work on the side doing online translation. It's not all bleak
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