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MtnDreams

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  1. Thank you @gcacfor these detailed and consistent posts. I just read the entire thread and it gives me some perspective and some hope. I started on 150mg. XL just about 4 weeks ago. The first 2 or so weeks were quite uneventful. Definitely no honeymoon phase. The only proof I had that the med was in my system was that my dreams got awesome. I took Effexor for 2 years several years ago and my dreams were amazing! That med didn’t really help me but I stayed on it for about a year longer than I should have because my dreams were so great. Anyhow, I am dreaming again on Wellbutrin (but not as great as Effexor) so I know the med is doing something to me. Now almost at the end of 4 weeks I am in a horrible, horrible place. I am more depressed over the past 7 days than I have been at any time in the past 3-4 years. One part of me tells me to get off this med fast because I am rapidly spiraling into oblivion. But at the same time I am actually feeling sadness, feeling hopelessness, worthlessness, and everything else that I’ve managed to block out over past years. Even though the thoughts are horrible, I am actually feeling something. So has the med caused all this depression or has the med restarted all my deadened brain chemistry forcing me to now deal with all the thoughts/emotions that I managed to turn off? That’s the conundrum I find myself in. For now, I’m sticking it out and will probably up my dose to 300 based on the info you posted. Thankd again for your insight and consistency. I will continue to look forward to your posts.
  2. I started taking Wellbutrin 12 days ago. I’m taking 150mg of XL each morning. So far, I’m not noticing anything overly positive. I took Effexor for 2 years but stopped it over a year ago because it wasn’t helping. For the past 25-30 years I’ve dealt with depression, zero interest in anything, no motivation, blah blah but with the last 5+ years being brutal. Just descending lower and lower and lower with no hope or relief in sight. You all know how that goes. I gave up on the meds like I say about a year or so ago. Then I visited my doctor for a physical about 6 weeks ago and the topic of mental health came up. I reluctantly told him that I have zero interest in life, hopelessness, worthlessness, ideation, and all that fun stuff. He suggested I get on meds as at least one course of action. We tried Lexapro. I took that for 4 weeks and it did nothing for me. As in zero. I wondered if I was even taking a med. So my doctor switched me to Wellbutrin. I’ve been on Wellbutrin 150mg XL for 12 days now. So far nothing has changed about my mental state. I am getting pretty awesome dreams now, which is wonderful, so I know the med is doing something to me. But as for improving my mental state, nothing yet. If Wellbutrin is going to help me, when should I expect to see positive effects?
  3. I stopped taking Lexapro after 4 weeks. I went to my doctor. He asked how the med was working for me. I told him I could barely tell that I was taking it because it wasn’t doing anything. He said that if you’re seeing no positive affects after 4 weeks then let’s switch you to something else. So he prescribed Wellbutrin. I spent a few days tapering down the Lex, then stopped it, went 5 days with no meds, then started the Wellbutrin. I’ve been on Wellbutrin now for 12 days (150mg) and I’m not sure if I’m seeing anything positive from that. We shall see.
  4. I am interested in the progress here because I am 2-3 weeks behind the OP. I just upped to 10mg about a week ago and was at 5mg for a week before that. So far I’m not seeing any considerable benefits. Yes, it’s only been a couple weeks since I started so I’m being patient. I can tell something is in my system because I’m finding myself getting overtaken by waves of physical anxiety. I’ve always had anxious issues but I’ve lately I can physically feel my anxiousness. Really weird.
  5. Hello out there. I’ve been on these forums for several years but not in this Lexapro thread. I started taking Effexor about 2-3 years ago for major depression but tapered completely off it 1 year ago because it wasn’t really doing anything to improve my situation. During a recent physical, my doctor asked why I wasn’t taking Effexor anymore then asked what my current mental state was. He quickly realized that I’m a walking zombie so suggested I try a new med. We chose Lexapro. I started with 5mg 2 weeks ago then upped it to 10mg 1 week ago. So far things have been ok. Had a tinge of stomach irritability for a day or two but nothing close to discomfort or nausea. I had a headache on day 3 but it went away quickly. The only problems I’ve had, for lack of a better word, is that I’ve woken up in the early morning hours with considerable anxiety. On 3 mornings I fell back asleep in 5-10 mins but this morning I was awake for an hour. I probably could have just gotten out of bed but I instead laid there because it was fascinating to contemplate what I was so worried about. Anywah, so far so good I guess. I’m just really hoping that this med can do something to better me because going on like I have been for the past 5+ years is barely living.
  6. Great thread here. Well, what I mean is that there are a bunch of us all in the same boat. We should give this support group some pathetic but funny name. I’m not 50 yet but am almost there. I have a very good job, financially, but it brings me zero fulfillment. It doesn’t help when my superiors don’t have any idea what I do and don’t realize that I keep most of the operations running. At home, my wife has no interest in me, doesn’t appreciated anything I do, but must keep me because I am the financial strength of our family. My kids are great but I just don’t the strength to deal with them. Inhave no joy, purpose, or meaning for my life. I have no friends, as in zero. I don’t do anything for myself that would bring my any inkling of happiness or enjoyment. I wake up, work, go home, take care of kids, go to be, then repeat. So what the heck am I doing each day? What is the point that of living each day? What is the difference if I live 10 more days or 1,000 days? No different outcome will occur. I am simply existing because my purpose in life is to generate money so that other people can live their lives. I guess that’s the life of a dairy cow. Sorry for rambling and lamenting about myself. I guess if there is any good here (always supposed to look at the positive, right?) there is a group of us pathetic, soulless zombies here. At least we can commiserate amongst ourselves.
  7. Fwiw, I got off Effexor XR 225mg about 3-4 months ago. I didn’t do cold turkey but I tapered over 4-6 weeks. Went from 225 to 150 to 75 to 37.5 to ~18 and then 0. It all went ridiculously well and I don’t think I had any bad effects. In fact, I felt kind of cheated because it made me wonder why I wasted so much time on the med. But I turned out well (getting off the meds) because I got off Effexor and it was extremely easy. Now, maybe I should be back on them because waiting around to see another day is an unending battle, one which I am losing miserably.
  8. I’m feeling totally lost, useless, and wondering why I am still in this world. My family doesn’t really need me to be there except to keep them going financially. As long as I’m going to work each day they can live the life they would like to live. My work doesn’t need me because nobody really acknowledges or even understands what I do each day. And those are really only the two lives I have. So if my family and my employer don’t need me then what’s the point?
  9. Fascinating stuff here. My quiet personality is definitely the one who sees everything. My quiet personality is never there during the moment. Never there to steer me in the right direction or advise me on how to deal properly with a difficult person or situation. My quiet personality always shows up after the fact when I’m in a retrospective mindset. So my quiet personality must be my conscience. Must be the person inside of me that is able to analyze and critique situations. Why can’t my quiet personality be there during the moment when I need him to be there? It’s as if my quiet personality is that deadbeat parent that is never there when their child needs him to be there but is definitely there after the fact to tell the child how dumb, how gutless, how pathetic the child is.
  10. Thank you. I certainly did not mean to say that I don’t think anyone will help here. I’ve been hanging around these forums long enough to know that there are many kind and helpful people. What I meant to say was that while everyone will surely offer help that only thing that can truly help me is myself. So many accounts of people’s mental problems are so easy to sort out when you hear them but when those same problems are in your head they become intangible, impossible puzzles. As in, how can you reason through a problem with your mind when the problem IS your mind?
  11. I’ve got so many things wrong with me that are burying me into my grave that I don’t even know how to talk about them at the high level. But one thing that flat out destroys me is the differing personalities in my head. Not literal ones as with a multi-personality problem (at least I think not) but more the different and changing personas I have. I have two personalities. My strong personality is strong, confident, aggressive, and determined. When that personality is dominating me I end up walking around with a huge chip on my shoulder. I am convinced that everyone around me is an idiot and a mindless follower of some illogical social system. At work, that means that everyone is clueless and incompetent while I am the one with all the answers and solutions. When walking around town I am convinced that most other people are unoriginal copies of cliche characters who don’t think for themselves nor are capable of being an efficient, competent, intelligent human. My other personality is the one who sees the truth and recognizes that my strong personality is a front and a pathetic one at that. I realize that it’s probably a defensive tactic to give me some sort of self esteem in the world or control over it. As in, if I’m better than everyone else then I’m not as dumb and useless as my quiet personality knows me to be so therefore I must be unique or important. I hate my strong personality. Absolutely detest it with everything that I am. That personality keeps me from having any connections with anyone, prevents me from accomplishing anything of substance, and just makes me an unhappy person in the world. That personality also makes me an a-hole of a person, and frankly, one that I would not want to be associated with. My quiet personality knows full well that my strong personality is probably a narcissist with a heavy duty messiah complex that is lost in unending delusions of grandeur. My quiet personality definitely knows what’s going on so I trust it. But it’s also the personality that destroys my self esteem and and makes me contemplate ending it all. I despise myself as a person, as a parent, as a husband, as a professional, and on and on. I don’t have anything about me that I am proud of. As I said earlier, my personalities aren’t literal identities that go back and forth but are more likely just the inner dialogues that I have. I think these dialogues are healthy but is all this never ending self destruction necessary in order to shed the strong personality that I so much detest? Maybe my strong personality is the good one after all and the quiet one is the evil one? I don’t know. But I do know that I am lost, rudderless, and have given up all hope that I’ll ever find my way out of this forest. I beg for help, even though I know none of you can truly help me.
  12. I’ve always heard the term “breakdown” used to describe someone in dire straights but I’ve never really understood what a breakdown is. For the past 7-10 days I’ve been useless. I get to work and project that I’m important and I’m doing “stuff” but in all honesty I’m just staring at a computer reading things. I’m getting nothing done at work because I’m mentally not capable of doing anything. I cannot concentrate on anything longer than 60 seconds, if even that, so my brain hops and hops along. When talking to people I don’t know what to say or I’m afraid to say anything so I just fake it and make it look like I’m relevant. And then at home I just lay low and don’t do anything because I’m not sure what I can do to be of any value. Is that a breakdown? I cannot really function in society right now and my overwhelming compulsion is to get in my car and drive far, far away so that I am around nobody. I haven’t done that yet but I’ve been very, very close to it. How am I feeling right now? Confused, disoriented, isolated, useless, worthless.
  13. Interesting question and I’m not totally sure. 1988 is when big events happened that changed the course of my life and greatly scarred me, which has molded me into the pathetic person I am today. It wasn’t until a half dozen or so years after 1988 that I became the pathetic person I am. But that timeline was set into motion in 1988. Damage was done by 1991 but I think I could have righted the ship then. 1986? I go back to that time because my life was beginning to take shape but I was still several years away from big time events taking place. It might be nice to go back to that more innocent and exciting time to see how things could turn out. But honestly, those are just the key years I isolate. If I could have a do-over I would choose any year. Heck, I’d be happy with being 4 years old again and starting everything from even then. Anything would be better than the tangled mess I have today.
  14. No, no friends at all. My wife has a good social life with friends and what not. In occasionally interact with a husband of my wife’s friends but there’s no way I could ever talk to such a person with personal stuff. They’re all good people but they’re definitely not friends, which is no fault of their own - it’s all me. But no, I have no friends. Zero. None at work, in my neighborhood, online, or anything. It’s just me.
  15. I find that I’m always choosing 1988, 1991, 1986 sort of in that order because that’s when things started going downhill for me. Decisions I made back then, or didn’t make, end up have no cascading ramifications every year that has gone by since.
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