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MtnDreams

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  1. I’ve learned that I actually fear other people asking “how are you?” because I don’t know how to answer. I’ve masked depression for 30+ years but I cannot do it anymore. I very much detest fake people but I realize that I’ve been fake almost my entire life. Any time I utter out a simple “I’m ok” I know that I am lying and that lie ends my whole day.
  2. Wow, that is a very inspiring post. Thank you for writing that. It sure sounds like you very much love yourself. Or at least, you have respect for yourself. I myself absolutely hate every ounce of me. I read about self love all the time as a step towards ending depression but I cannot figure that one out. But maybe you have because it does sound like you are proud of yourself. That makes someone like me have hope. Again, thank you for sharing. I am happy for you.
  3. Thank you Oscar. While I think o get what you’re saying about using metaphor to combat depression, how exactly do you do that? So you anchor yourself outside of your depression cave? How do you do that and how does that help you? I have heard people describe these strategies before but I don’t understand how you implement them.
  4. Sometimes I read posts here and scratch my head thinking “did I write this?” I think I am very much right there with you. I’m in my 50’s and professionally am fairly successful. But bad financial management over past years has put me in a terribly fragile state where I live paycheck to paycheck with countless financial bombs sitting in the future. I absolutely 100% despise myself, just utterly hate the person I am, and regret all of these things I’ve done or haven’t done in my life. And actually my problems are probably due to me NOT making decisions and instead just going along and keeping everyone happy. I too want to go and disappear. Sailing out to sea is fascinating but that’s not I’m my head, although I love the sea and sailing so I very much get the appeal. I find myself wanting to disappear into the mountains or desert. As much as I am done with life my children have a whole life to live. And I will not put the horrible baggage on them that their father needed to leave them behind. The rest of their lives would be devastated by such a thing. So I’ve chosen themselves over me and that keeps me going one day at a time. Now, it makes my life even more miserable knowing that every moment of every day is not for me but is for someone else. But at the same time I try to force myself that living for someone else is a noble thing. And maybe, just maybe that is why I’m still here. I’m saying all of this not as an answer or solution for you. I really just wanted to tell you that I think I can fathom where you’re at because it sounds eerily similar to my situation. Hang in there and keep plodding on. You might be thankful someday that you did.
  5. Feeling pretty miserable. Starting another pointless, exhausting day. But let’s keep climbing up one step at a time.
  6. I can completely relate because I am lonely ALL the time. I work from home and have been for the past two years. I interact with coworkers all day but that is via text, voice/video calls, and telephone calls. And that is just work and there is nothing socially rewarding about it. I have a wife and two kids that I spend every day with but when I am with them I am playing the role of “dad” and acting as I’m supposed to. There are never any moments where myself, the actual me, comes out and one of my family members actually interacts and connects with me. I do go out into the world, run errands, go to stores, etc. and obviously interact with people. But there is nothing meaningful there because that’s just humans doing what they need to do to get through their day. So yes, I have tremendous loneliness and can comprehend what you are talking about. I think we are all looking to have some sort of connection with someone. We just want to communicate with someone, verbally or even nonverbally, and have that person communicate back to us. And I think the whole purpose of that, at least for me, is validation. We need to share experiences with people in order to validate who we are. We want to be told that we are ok, that we are relatable, and that maybe even we are respectable. At least, that’s what I see myself needing and because I don’t get that validation I call it loneliness.
  7. I am hurting so bad that I cannot focus. I cannot move forward with anything. I am in misery pretty much every hour of the day. What I look forward to each day is going to sleep because while sleeping I can at least dream. I spend my waking day doing my work but I am barely doing that. And then when my family leaves the house I collapse on the floor and stare lifelessly at the wall. Thankfully, my family comes home in an hour or two because if not I could probably lie there all day. Once home, I get up, get back to work, and move on with my day. So I have the energy and capability to appear to be doing life’s tasks when my family is around but once alone I shut down. Am I really out of gas or is this just a charade to make me feel sorry for myself? Why can’t I just rattle myself out of this and just act normal? If I could then all of my problems would go away. How do I get help? I need someone to help me navigate out of this because I am incapable of making progress on my own. Things I read instruct you to get help from a trusted friend or family member. I don’t have any friends or family members. Not a single person. I have a wife but I can’t go to her with this because she would get upset and would have even more disdain for me than she already does. I have children but I cannot burden them with this because they are young and don’t have the experience to even comprehend this. I very much need a therapist or psychiatrist or something along those lines to help me but I do not have the money to see such people. Do I call one of those 800 help hotlines? I am not seeking to end it all so I’m not sure if those lines would help. And what would they tell me that I don’t already know? I do know that I cannot continue on like this because this is miserable and pointless. I keep telling myself that I have no intentions of ending things. There is no way I could abandon my family and do that to them. So I think I’m ok there. But then I fear that my mind might go irrational and even though logically I have no intentions maybe I snap or something and get into some state where logic isn’t existing. For example, when I’m lying catatonic on the floor for two hours staring at the wall. That can’t be healthy so could my mind go irrational and then I do something dreadful? Not even sure if that type of thing is possible. But I do know that I can’t continue like this.
  8. Hang in there Kalahari. As others have said, don’t worry about your age so much. What I mean is, try not to set a limit on how much more time you have. Forget looking into the future and trying to assess how it will go and how long it will go. Instead, just go day by day and see what happens next. I can remember being 18 and thinking that I’ll never make it past 24. Things were so bad that I just couldn’t see myself enduring anymore. I can remember being 26, being in the absolute pit of despair, and giving myself another 18 months and if things don’t improve by then then that’s it. I can remember being 44 and getting obsessed with just how much longer this could go on. I’m 50 now and I still don’t see all this going on much longer. Physically, just how much more abuse can my heart and mind take? But here I am, going on day after day after day. I am sorry that I don’t have any concrete advice to help you get through what you’re going through. I for one can’t figure out my own life so if I could I would definitely be sharing that wisdom with the fine folks here. But until then I would just recommend not getting hung up on timelines or dates on the calendar. Just go day by day and see what happens.
  9. Hi all. I took Wellbutrin for about 2 months a couple years ago. I initially took Effexor for about 2 years but then stopped it because it was no longer doing anything. I tried 2 others over six months that didn’t do anything until my doctor prescribed Wellbutrin. I was taking the 150xl. The first couple weeks were really good and I was really excited about the new mood and interest I had but then I started to have intense anxiety. It became a regular thing to wake up at 3:30am and then just lay in bed for an hour or so overcome by intense worry. That anxiety eventually got to be too much so I stopped taking it. I have contemplated taking another run at Wellbutrin because it did have very positive results, although those results only lasted a couple of weeks.
  10. I don’t take Effexor anymore. I got off of it maybe 2-3 years ago. But it was the first med I went on and it has been the only med that seemed to help me. I tried 4 other meds since but none of those did anything that Effexor did. I eventually got off of Effexor because it wasn’t helping me. It only seemed to help in the 3-4 weeks after upping the dose but then in a few weeks it would stop helping. I upped the dose several times and was eventually up to 300-something mg. Anyway, I chimed in on this thread because YES I used to have crazy vivid dreams. In fact, I had awesome dreams the entire time I was on Effexor, which was about two years. In all that time I had maybe 3 or 4 bad dreams. But the dozens and dozens and dozens of other dreams were all good, all exciting, all SO interesting. I actually got to a point where I was wondering if I was getting addicted to the dreams. I felt that way because I realized that all I wanted to do each day was end the day as soon as possible so that I could get to bed. I ended up loving my dream life WAY more than my real life. That was exciting at first but it eventually got me down because my real life just could not compete with my dream life. And who’s could. But getting to bed each night so that I could experience the dream world became my whole focus. So enjoy those vivid dreams of you’re having them but not too much. I would suggest keeping a journal and documenting those dreams when you wake up. I have a couple dozen just epic stories based on dreams I had.
  11. Thank you @gcacfor these detailed and consistent posts. I just read the entire thread and it gives me some perspective and some hope. I started on 150mg. XL just about 4 weeks ago. The first 2 or so weeks were quite uneventful. Definitely no honeymoon phase. The only proof I had that the med was in my system was that my dreams got awesome. I took Effexor for 2 years several years ago and my dreams were amazing! That med didn’t really help me but I stayed on it for about a year longer than I should have because my dreams were so great. Anyhow, I am dreaming again on Wellbutrin (but not as great as Effexor) so I know the med is doing something to me. Now almost at the end of 4 weeks I am in a horrible, horrible place. I am more depressed over the past 7 days than I have been at any time in the past 3-4 years. One part of me tells me to get off this med fast because I am rapidly spiraling into oblivion. But at the same time I am actually feeling sadness, feeling hopelessness, worthlessness, and everything else that I’ve managed to block out over past years. Even though the thoughts are horrible, I am actually feeling something. So has the med caused all this depression or has the med restarted all my deadened brain chemistry forcing me to now deal with all the thoughts/emotions that I managed to turn off? That’s the conundrum I find myself in. For now, I’m sticking it out and will probably up my dose to 300 based on the info you posted. Thankd again for your insight and consistency. I will continue to look forward to your posts.
  12. I started taking Wellbutrin 12 days ago. I’m taking 150mg of XL each morning. So far, I’m not noticing anything overly positive. I took Effexor for 2 years but stopped it over a year ago because it wasn’t helping. For the past 25-30 years I’ve dealt with depression, zero interest in anything, no motivation, blah blah but with the last 5+ years being brutal. Just descending lower and lower and lower with no hope or relief in sight. You all know how that goes. I gave up on the meds like I say about a year or so ago. Then I visited my doctor for a physical about 6 weeks ago and the topic of mental health came up. I reluctantly told him that I have zero interest in life, hopelessness, worthlessness, ideation, and all that fun stuff. He suggested I get on meds as at least one course of action. We tried Lexapro. I took that for 4 weeks and it did nothing for me. As in zero. I wondered if I was even taking a med. So my doctor switched me to Wellbutrin. I’ve been on Wellbutrin 150mg XL for 12 days now. So far nothing has changed about my mental state. I am getting pretty awesome dreams now, which is wonderful, so I know the med is doing something to me. But as for improving my mental state, nothing yet. If Wellbutrin is going to help me, when should I expect to see positive effects?
  13. I stopped taking Lexapro after 4 weeks. I went to my doctor. He asked how the med was working for me. I told him I could barely tell that I was taking it because it wasn’t doing anything. He said that if you’re seeing no positive affects after 4 weeks then let’s switch you to something else. So he prescribed Wellbutrin. I spent a few days tapering down the Lex, then stopped it, went 5 days with no meds, then started the Wellbutrin. I’ve been on Wellbutrin now for 12 days (150mg) and I’m not sure if I’m seeing anything positive from that. We shall see.
  14. I am interested in the progress here because I am 2-3 weeks behind the OP. I just upped to 10mg about a week ago and was at 5mg for a week before that. So far I’m not seeing any considerable benefits. Yes, it’s only been a couple weeks since I started so I’m being patient. I can tell something is in my system because I’m finding myself getting overtaken by waves of physical anxiety. I’ve always had anxious issues but I’ve lately I can physically feel my anxiousness. Really weird.
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