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About MtnDreams

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  1. I need some work (and attitude?) advice

    Damn Gandolf, you totally inspire me. You painted a very good description of the job you have and the types of stresses it creates, especially for someone with major depression, and you are still there battling it out. My hat is off to you and I’m standing on my seat cheering. I know you know the cliches about depression clouding your judgement and making you think the worst when there could be nothing bad happening. You’ve probably heard of Impostor Syndrome. It affects me big time. I once got called into the CEO’s office along with my boss and I thought for sure I was done. Ok, they finally figured out I’m worthless and they finally decided to take action. But I ended up getting what the CEO called a “home run” bonus because of my work throughout the year. Huh? You’re serious? Well ok, thank you very much. But I still don’t know what I really did. I’ve been understanding Impostor Syndrome more and have been trying to ignore its affects, but it’s still tough. What is extremely difficult is that you have to not trust yourself, which doesn’t make any sense. My advice for you is to hang in there and just do what you’re told. Maybe you don’t need to be trying to reassure your lead that you’re doing everything you are doing. Just do it. Sounds dumb but maybe it’s that easy. Sort of less is more. I once had a wise professor tell me when I was in college (about a thousand years ago) that your main challenge for you when you get into the professional world is to learn “care and feeding of your boss.” That was his joke but what he meant was that you need to figure out what your boss’ goals are and what he needs from you in order to be happy and think he is achieving his goals. And then once you figure that out then you deliver it to him/her. Now, you can’t really ask him directly because he will give you some manager-like speak. So you have to peer through all that and figure out how the person ticks and what he really would like to get.
  2. Stories of recovery?

    Excellent idea. There are many YouTube videos out there from people who have defeated depression. Some have been inspiring for me while others just make me scratch my head and wonder ‘how?’ An actual book of collected stories would be an awesome source of inspiration. At least for someone like me. Reading about such tales seems to carry more weight for me. And having a collection in one book would be great.
  3. Spending my day in a cemetery

    Thank you all for your replies. Support from people who can identify with what you’re struggling with does help. At least for me. @Dprfrk I agree 100% that hobbies, or really the connecting with people who have common interests, is a great help because it keeps your mind moving forward. I have a half dozen hobbies that have fueled me for most of my life. My big problem is that I have given up all of those hobbies over that past few years. It just got too painful to engage in a hobby, then have to end the engagement and go back to normal life. I got to the point where I stopped looking forward to a day where I could do my hobby because the pain I felt when that hobby time ended began to dwarf the enjoyment that I got out of it. That I’ve learned is a pure sign of depression and it describes well just how deep I have gotten into that depression. I still engage in a hobby every so often because I force myself to test the waters. But I’m still not getting any enjoyment or other benefit from them, which saddens me greatly. But I do know that my hobbies are there as a barometer so that when I do start to enjoy them again that is a signal that I’m getting better. @Afterglow1978 my faith issues are not so much about dogmas of different religious branches but more about pure faith. How can you follow any religious practices if you don’t know that there is some god or being that you are directing your religious efforts towards? I mean, would you spend time in your day staring at a tree because others have told you that The Tree will bring you everlasting happiness? You wouldn’t invest the time because you don’t believe in the outcome. Maybe I am an atheist but just desperately want to be a believer. That is the dilemma I’m in with religion. And I don’t use the word “atheist” because it has an arrogance to it, which I don’t approve. Maybe agnostic. I have also never needed religion for moral reasons because I have a very strong moral compass, although I understand how religion does keep some people grounded and on track, which is a good thing. I don’t intend to turn this into a religious discussion because that is not the source of my problems. I think what is wrong with me is just depression, for lack of a better word. I’ve mentioned several times in past posts an experience that describes well the struggle that consumes me. And this happens over and over and over in a variety of settings. Imagine if you will... I am sitting in my back yard on a warm, sunny day enjoying the view. My back yard overlooks nearby mountains and the view is beautiful. My kids are playing nearby, laughing, and just being healthy happy kids. I have an adult beverage in my hand and I’m enjoying the smells of what I have cooking on the barbecue. Man, this is the dream life. This is awesome. But I am sitting there fully aware that this is the good life but I am consumed by an unrelenting thought and feeling that something just isn’t right. There is something that tells me that I shouldn’t be there and I need to be in a different place or maybe doing something else. The frustration of not being able to grasp the reason for that and the subsequent guilt that comes with those thoughts has crippled me.
  4. Spending my day in a cemetery

    @Here2Help2 Without question, yes, the crux of my grief is my soul’s never ending search for meaning. I am empty inside. Dead. My soul is there but it is filled with meaningless, purposeless space. I had a therapist once tell me that I was filled with a huge amount of existential angst. I had never heard that term until then and it really hit home. Yes, that describes well what I struggle with. You are quite correct about the qualities of my life. I have a heck of a lot going for me. I have a wife (but a poor relationship), two beautiful and happy and exciting children filled with life and laughter, a dog, two fish, a very nice house, nice cars, nice stuff, etc., etc.. I have a very good job and have been fairly successful in everything I’ve done. So why do I feel like this? Why am I so empty, lost, rudderless, purposeless? I appreciate what I have (I think) or maybe it’s more like me being fully aware of what I do have. I definitely do not spend time dwelling on what I don’t have. I’m not concerned about material things, achievements, career, or anything like that. My grief seems to be more related to the fact that everything for me has gone well, I’ve done everything that you’re supposed to do, but yet none of that has ever provided happiness, self esteem, or meaning. Faith? I have none. I was raised in a religious family and have been going to church for as long as I can remember. My family now goes to church regularly and I gladly participate for the sake of my wife and children. During all that time I could never see any meaning in religion. Church is so bizarre for me because I watch all these people doing what they’re doing and I just wonder how were they able to successfully delude themselves? I am not an atheist by any means but I’m equally not a believer. I am, however, quite jealous of those who truly have faith because they seem to have (usually) an element of peace and happiness. I would love to have meaning like that in my life but I don’t know how to obtain it. So I go about my life day by day doing the best I can. I do pretty well and fool everyone that I’m a successful, confident, intelligent, capable person. But little does anyone know that I am a complete mess on the inside, am constantly thinking/hoping to be killed, and really couldn’t care less about anything I am doing. Most people I interact with have no idea as to just how empty I am on the inside. I hate myself, absolutely hate myself, for having the life I have but being so empty and worthless in my soul.
  5. Please help, I don't know what to do anymore.

    I’m really sorry to hear how much you’re suffering @madi31802. It’s really heartbreaking to hear that someone so young is in so much pain. I’m a male in my mid 40’s so I really, really don’t want this to sound creepy, but someone needs to lie down besides you and just hug and hold you. (For the record, that person is not me.). I hope that’s possible for you but if not I’m really sorry. And again, please don’t take that the wrong way. I feel very awkward suggesting that but it does sound like you need a comforting shoulder to cry on. I too got very distraught after Chester Bennington’s passing. I would not say that I’m a fan of Linkin but I do like their music and I admire several of the musicians in the band, with Chester being the one I respected the most. He was an amazing talent. Chris Cornell’s passing also really rattled me. It’s all just so sad. Robin Williams’ death hit me really hard. If someone with that much life and success finally succumbs to their demons then what hope is there for someone like me? However, their deaths I think help us because it lights a fire under us to get us moving. Robin Williams’ death somehow motivated me to get pro help. I saw my first therapist in my entire life a few months after his passing. As sad as Chester’s passing is, maybe that can get you some momentum. You’re seeing a therapist but it’s not really helping? Find another one. Some therapist out there will click with you and help you to get forward progress. Take good care of yourself as best you can. Hang in there. Stay social too as hard as that is because it does help.
  6. Tired, getting through another day

    @gandolfication I’m not sure if you realize it or not but your recent posts have a tinge of positivness. It’s inspiring. May the wind be at your back.
  7. Genesight Testing

    Please post your experience and your results, if you don’t mind. This idea, if it’s true, that a test can find the most effective med for you is very encouraging. I guess the true test would be several months after you started taking said med. Good luck.
  8. Spending my day in a cemetery

    Oh, I also wanted to thank you @Epictetus. I have read so many of your posts throughout these forums. Many of them have provided me with comfort because you describe conditions, thoughts, feelings in a way that is familiar to me and makes me realize I am not alone. Thank you.
  9. Spending my day in a cemetery

    Thanks Epic. The thought that someone would even read my post let’s me know that there are other people out in the world who actually see me. So often I feel as if I’m a ghost endlessly walking the land past hundreds of people but yet nobody can see me.
  10. Lock clockwork I once again am in that cold dark place. I cannot be around anyone because I cannot act normal around normal people. So I have left work for a second day in a row. Yesterday I drove around the city for at least 4 hours before finally going home. Today, I’m sitting in a cemetery walking up and down the rows of tombstones. This is probably the fifth time I have visited this cemetery in the past year. There are two others that I have frequented in past years. Why do I do this? Why do I come here? Am I here because nobody else is here and it’s one place I can truly escape to? Is it because it’s such a bizarre and extreme thing to do that it makes me feel cared for, as in, wow, your alone in a cemetery so you must need serious help? Is it a cry for help with the hopes that someone will recognize me? Do I just feel more comfortable with the dead than with the living? I don’t really know. Maybe by seeing and walking amongst all this finality, realizing that each grave was a life, and seeing that nobody really even encounters those lives anymore it puts my life more in perspective, as in, get over yourself - you’re just as irrelevant as everyone else. I have no life. I have a wife, two children, a dog, and two small fish. I work with a couple dozen people but I wouldn’t call any of them friends. All are good people but none of them treat me as a friend, which I’m sure is more my fault than theirs. Outside of work I have no friends. Zero. Even my kids notice that. I’m starting to get “Daddy, Mommy has friends she talks to. Where are all your friends at?” If I were to die tomorrow my loss wouldn’t really affect anyone. My kids would obviously be devastated and that loss would stay with them. What else would you expect of children? Other than that, my wife would be sad, would be more overwhelmed because she now has to carry even more, but I think she would get over it fairly fast. My coworkers would be surprised, maybe shocked. I’m sure 10 or 20 would go to my funeral out of obligation but all would move on and I’d be a memory within a couple of days. I have always been so good at solving problems. That is what I do for a living. But I just can’t seem to solve this problem. The pain I can deal with. I’ve always been one who can take the pain. But it’s the inability to be around people that is crippling me. Obviously professionally, if I can’t be around people then I can’t work. I manage about 25 different people so being incapable of interacting with anyone is chickening me professionally. My inability to concentrate and focus on anything has also debilitated me. Lastly, I don’t even know if I am comprehending the world correctly. Am I truly understanding a situation when I react to it? Am I imagining more than what is really being said or is happening? Or is my judgement still right on and I’m just being thrown lots of impediments? If the latter, then why do I need to detach from society? I don’t know. I just don’t know. Honestly, I am not even sure why I am posting this. I am not expecting help because only I can do that. I just don’t know what that help is. I guess I’m posting because I need to talk to someone. Even if no one reads this the writing of this helps me in some way. At least, that’s the idea. If you have made it this far then I truly thank you for your time.
  11. Genesight Testing

    I’ve never heard of this but just spent some time researching. Very intriguing. I’m definitely watching this post. What is the cost? Sort of, what’s the out of pocket cost if you just wanted to pay cash?
  12. Fascinating topic. Thank you @Epictetus for that response - it was insightful. @Natasha1 I see swings from anger to complete downness but they occurred over the long term. I’ve been pretty down for several years but for 1-2 years before that I was full of rage. I mean destroy the world kind of rage. It freightened me terribly and I many times thought that one day I was going to crack and make the news or something. But then, and I don’t know how, that anger and rage went away and now I’m left with just pure emptiness. @lonelyforeigner Your description of the dog in the cage is so fitting. My rage was probably my last bits of fight left in me where I tried desperately to stop who or whatever was poking me. But now I’ve pretty much given up and now just lie in the corner and don’t really care who or what pokes me. I’ll tell you this, I wouldn’t mind having some anger again because that emotion moving through my body would be like getting some new life. Forgive me for sounding kind of nuts but I would just love to have some emotions again. I miss them.
  13. The difference between laziness and depression?

    Hang in there Murph. That’s about all I can say. Your descriptions of what troubles you are spot on with me too. “What’s the point...”. That question is appropriate for so many situations. And that is probably one of the best descriptions of our problems.
  14. Tired, getting through another day

    Gandolf, so good to hear from you. I’ve been away from these forums for a few weeks, maybe a few months. It’s hard to tell. But here I am again and I’m finding that I need to go somewhere where I can be myself. Crazy how this stuff comes and goes in waves. You think you’re doing ok. Heck, even doing pretty good on some days. Other days you struggle but you fight on and get through it. But then it finally comes crashing down and you find yourself back in that place. What was the trigger this time? Or maybe there was no trigger at all - it just happened. Maybe it’s your true self and your charade just finally ran out of steam. I don’t know. But here I am again. It’s nice to see a familiar name. I have always enjoyed your writings because you describe things in such a tangible manner. I can definitley grasp what you’re struggling with - the exhausting effort maintaining a professional persona, the struggle to interact with others, the battle to hide your real personality, the difficulties of your job, the responsibilities of caring for a family. I truly feel for you. Hang in there. I have no real words of encouragement for you because I don’t know what I can say beyond the usual platitudes. But in a way it sounds like you’re sort of on top of things. You’re dealing with life all the while carrying around that unwieldy bag of depression. One image I think of to help me, as cornball as it may sound, is that of the warrior. The person who fights on day after day after day because that is what they are - a warrior. There is strength and virtue in that role. I also can tell just how much you care about your family. They seem like a true source of hope for you. That’s awesome. For me, that is the only thing that keeps me in this world. My wife is the sole determiner of my sanity. She goes through phases where she is mean, resentful, maybe even mentally abusive. When those days come any tidbit of resiliency I might have had is gone and those days become my darkest. Thankfully, she has been in very good spirits in past months so my family life has been normal. Incredibly stressful, but thankfully normal. My children, well, if it wasn’t for them I’d have left the world probably 2 or 3 years ago. I love them to death but at the same time they are my curse. It’s because of them that I have to suffer each day (as opposed to taking the easy way out.) But at the same time they are my blessing because they are what keep me alive. It’s nuts how those ideas interact with each other. How does one deal with depression like we have and suppress the hyper-critical thoughts we have about our true selves while engaging day after day with “healthy” people in the professional workplace? I get amazed at myself that I am able to get through each day. Get through each week. I wonder how long until my body runs out of will. Sounds like you are doing the same thing. Struggling to deal with people you’re not quite sure about. I also wonder all the time whether I judge my coworkers correctly. Maybe people I don’t respect are seen that way by me because of a defense mechanism. I can’t respect them because doing so would acknowledge their capability, and my lack of, and that would send me deeper down the spiral. Or maybe these people are just poor performers that shouldn’t be respected. That’s been one of the biggest casualties from depression - my inability to truly trust my judgement. I never seem to know who is doing the talking - the true me (whoever that is) or the depression. But we fight on. Day after day. Hang in there brother. Enjoy your family and those blessings because that can be a huge source of positive.
  15. The difference between laziness and depression?

    Everything mentioned above is very much like me and all sounds so familiar. All my life I’ve been an underachiever and procrastinator. I will work and get stuff done but only when I absolutely have to. At work, I don’t walk in each day and start completing tasks. Instead, those tasks get done only when they are absolutely due. Until then I find other things to work on. But day after day after day I leave work and say “what the heck did I do today?” Now, I don’t sit around and surf the internet all day. I do work on something but I just don’t know what that something is. Or maybe I’m just deluding myself? I was the same when I was younger back in school. I could never focus my attention on something until it was actually due. Sort of like, ok, now you have absolutely no choice - you must get this done. But if I did have a choice I always chose to focus my attention on something else. So is that lazy? Or lack of motivation because I have no interest in what I’m doing? Maybe a fear of failure? Fear of success? I have no idea. But I do know that it plays a major part in my depression, which I’ve been dealing with for 25 years. Besides having zero interest in anything to do with life, I also despise myself and am extremely embarrassed and ashamed of myself. This laziness that we’re discussing is a huge element of my lack of self esteem.