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About MtnDreams

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  1. MtnDreams

    50+ Years Old and Trapped

    Great thread here. Well, what I mean is that there are a bunch of us all in the same boat. We should give this support group some pathetic but funny name. I’m not 50 yet but am almost there. I have a very good job, financially, but it brings me zero fulfillment. It doesn’t help when my superiors don’t have any idea what I do and don’t realize that I keep most of the operations running. At home, my wife has no interest in me, doesn’t appreciated anything I do, but must keep me because I am the financial strength of our family. My kids are great but I just don’t the strength to deal with them. Inhave no joy, purpose, or meaning for my life. I have no friends, as in zero. I don’t do anything for myself that would bring my any inkling of happiness or enjoyment. I wake up, work, go home, take care of kids, go to be, then repeat. So what the heck am I doing each day? What is the point that of living each day? What is the difference if I live 10 more days or 1,000 days? No different outcome will occur. I am simply existing because my purpose in life is to generate money so that other people can live their lives. I guess that’s the life of a dairy cow. Sorry for rambling and lamenting about myself. I guess if there is any good here (always supposed to look at the positive, right?) there is a group of us pathetic, soulless zombies here. At least we can commiserate amongst ourselves.
  2. Fwiw, I got off Effexor XR 225mg about 3-4 months ago. I didn’t do cold turkey but I tapered over 4-6 weeks. Went from 225 to 150 to 75 to 37.5 to ~18 and then 0. It all went ridiculously well and I don’t think I had any bad effects. In fact, I felt kind of cheated because it made me wonder why I wasted so much time on the med. But I turned out well (getting off the meds) because I got off Effexor and it was extremely easy. Now, maybe I should be back on them because waiting around to see another day is an unending battle, one which I am losing miserably.
  3. MtnDreams

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    I’m feeling totally lost, useless, and wondering why I am still in this world. My family doesn’t really need me to be there except to keep them going financially. As long as I’m going to work each day they can live the life they would like to live. My work doesn’t need me because nobody really acknowledges or even understands what I do each day. And those are really only the two lives I have. So if my family and my employer don’t need me then what’s the point?
  4. MtnDreams

    My two personalities are destroying me

    Fascinating stuff here. My quiet personality is definitely the one who sees everything. My quiet personality is never there during the moment. Never there to steer me in the right direction or advise me on how to deal properly with a difficult person or situation. My quiet personality always shows up after the fact when I’m in a retrospective mindset. So my quiet personality must be my conscience. Must be the person inside of me that is able to analyze and critique situations. Why can’t my quiet personality be there during the moment when I need him to be there? It’s as if my quiet personality is that deadbeat parent that is never there when their child needs him to be there but is definitely there after the fact to tell the child how dumb, how gutless, how pathetic the child is.
  5. MtnDreams

    My two personalities are destroying me

    Thank you. I certainly did not mean to say that I don’t think anyone will help here. I’ve been hanging around these forums long enough to know that there are many kind and helpful people. What I meant to say was that while everyone will surely offer help that only thing that can truly help me is myself. So many accounts of people’s mental problems are so easy to sort out when you hear them but when those same problems are in your head they become intangible, impossible puzzles. As in, how can you reason through a problem with your mind when the problem IS your mind?
  6. I’ve got so many things wrong with me that are burying me into my grave that I don’t even know how to talk about them at the high level. But one thing that flat out destroys me is the differing personalities in my head. Not literal ones as with a multi-personality problem (at least I think not) but more the different and changing personas I have. I have two personalities. My strong personality is strong, confident, aggressive, and determined. When that personality is dominating me I end up walking around with a huge chip on my shoulder. I am convinced that everyone around me is an idiot and a mindless follower of some illogical social system. At work, that means that everyone is clueless and incompetent while I am the one with all the answers and solutions. When walking around town I am convinced that most other people are unoriginal copies of cliche characters who don’t think for themselves nor are capable of being an efficient, competent, intelligent human. My other personality is the one who sees the truth and recognizes that my strong personality is a front and a pathetic one at that. I realize that it’s probably a defensive tactic to give me some sort of self esteem in the world or control over it. As in, if I’m better than everyone else then I’m not as dumb and useless as my quiet personality knows me to be so therefore I must be unique or important. I hate my strong personality. Absolutely detest it with everything that I am. That personality keeps me from having any connections with anyone, prevents me from accomplishing anything of substance, and just makes me an unhappy person in the world. That personality also makes me an a-hole of a person, and frankly, one that I would not want to be associated with. My quiet personality knows full well that my strong personality is probably a narcissist with a heavy duty messiah complex that is lost in unending delusions of grandeur. My quiet personality definitely knows what’s going on so I trust it. But it’s also the personality that destroys my self esteem and and makes me contemplate ending it all. I despise myself as a person, as a parent, as a husband, as a professional, and on and on. I don’t have anything about me that I am proud of. As I said earlier, my personalities aren’t literal identities that go back and forth but are more likely just the inner dialogues that I have. I think these dialogues are healthy but is all this never ending self destruction necessary in order to shed the strong personality that I so much detest? Maybe my strong personality is the good one after all and the quiet one is the evil one? I don’t know. But I do know that I am lost, rudderless, and have given up all hope that I’ll ever find my way out of this forest. I beg for help, even though I know none of you can truly help me.
  7. MtnDreams

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    I’ve always heard the term “breakdown” used to describe someone in dire straights but I’ve never really understood what a breakdown is. For the past 7-10 days I’ve been useless. I get to work and project that I’m important and I’m doing “stuff” but in all honesty I’m just staring at a computer reading things. I’m getting nothing done at work because I’m mentally not capable of doing anything. I cannot concentrate on anything longer than 60 seconds, if even that, so my brain hops and hops along. When talking to people I don’t know what to say or I’m afraid to say anything so I just fake it and make it look like I’m relevant. And then at home I just lay low and don’t do anything because I’m not sure what I can do to be of any value. Is that a breakdown? I cannot really function in society right now and my overwhelming compulsion is to get in my car and drive far, far away so that I am around nobody. I haven’t done that yet but I’ve been very, very close to it. How am I feeling right now? Confused, disoriented, isolated, useless, worthless.
  8. MtnDreams

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Interesting question and I’m not totally sure. 1988 is when big events happened that changed the course of my life and greatly scarred me, which has molded me into the pathetic person I am today. It wasn’t until a half dozen or so years after 1988 that I became the pathetic person I am. But that timeline was set into motion in 1988. Damage was done by 1991 but I think I could have righted the ship then. 1986? I go back to that time because my life was beginning to take shape but I was still several years away from big time events taking place. It might be nice to go back to that more innocent and exciting time to see how things could turn out. But honestly, those are just the key years I isolate. If I could have a do-over I would choose any year. Heck, I’d be happy with being 4 years old again and starting everything from even then. Anything would be better than the tangled mess I have today.
  9. No, no friends at all. My wife has a good social life with friends and what not. In occasionally interact with a husband of my wife’s friends but there’s no way I could ever talk to such a person with personal stuff. They’re all good people but they’re definitely not friends, which is no fault of their own - it’s all me. But no, I have no friends. Zero. None at work, in my neighborhood, online, or anything. It’s just me.
  10. MtnDreams

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    I find that I’m always choosing 1988, 1991, 1986 sort of in that order because that’s when things started going downhill for me. Decisions I made back then, or didn’t make, end up have no cascading ramifications every year that has gone by since.
  11. MtnDreams

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    @Kogent5 said above “I want a do-over”. So, so true for me. I’ve run the course that this life can run and it’s just not worth continuing on. Can’t I just clean the slate and try again? i have a vending machine at work that I get snacks out of. Whenever I do I play what I call “the quarters game.” My snack costs 4 quarters but I always bring 5 with me because I have to choose which 1 of the 5 quarters I don’t put into the machine. I choose based on the years on the quarters and specifically which year I would choose to go back to if I could. It usually comes down to 2 different years where going back to either has its pros and cons. Man, if I could have a do-over I would do so in a split second.
  12. I was talking to a therapist and my doctor 1 and 2 years ago. I very much need to go back but I don’t have the money for the office visits (~$125). I have health insurance but because of the way it’s rationed with high deductibles and what not you’re sort of encouraged to go only when you need to go. Ultimately, even though I have health insurance, I dont go to the doctor because I need to reserve the out of pocket expense for my kids and wife. Heck, we needed to take my daughter to the doctor last month because she had a bad fever but we didn’t because we couldn’t afford it. And I know that’s ridiculous because I have health insurance - wonderful system we now have in the US. What that ultimately means for me is, no, I have not seen any sort of precessional in about a year. I am thinking I need to see a psychiatrist because they should be able to get me some sort of help faster. I know I could definitely benefit from regular therapy but if I can’t take my daughter to the doctor for a bad fever there’s no way I can justify substantial therapist’s costs.
  13. MtnDreams

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Feeling lost, abandoned, rudderless, hopeless, worthless, empty. Totally embarrassed, ashamed, and fed up with myself. I won’t talk to anyone because every time I do that creates some other negative situation that makes me feel even worse about myself. The problem is that I have to be among people and I have to interact if not command other people. I wish I could be invisible and just drift away without anyone missing me or being affected by my absence.
  14. I wish I could take away that pain and suck for you. I’ve noticed that I have a terrible sadistic side to me where I need to experience out-of-the-norm chaos. Anything really. A major earthquake. A raging forest fire. An active shooter at work. Just anything really to bring experience into my life and break up the normal, mundane, and easy pattern of life. As much as I crave that those thoughts also make me terribly ashamed of myself. I was really wanting to experience the brain zaps. I still don’t know what they are. I have heard them described so I have an idea as to what they are but I was still wanting to experience them so I could truly understand them. But to no avail, I haven’t had any. I apologize for sounding like a clueless, spoiled, jack@$$. I know how dumb all this sounds and I know how ungrateful Inam for thinking this way. Why can’t I appreciate good blessings? Well, if I could solve that problem I might not need any of these stupid meds.
  15. I recently got off of Effexor. I have been taking it for 2+years and it was the first psych med I had ever taken. Quick background: I’ve been dealing with major depression pretty much since my teens (I’m in my 40’s now) and while I’ve always had ups and downs over that time the past 5-6 years have been unbearable. Just an ever-deepening spiral where trying to find a reason to live, ideating about how to stop living, and pretty much struggling to get through each hour has been my normal life now. Effexor did help me some when I started but then I noticed I would plateau quickly. So my doctor would up my dose. That would then help some but within a few weeks it was as if I wasn’t taking it. I ended up at 225mg/day, which I was taking for about 1.5 years. The doctor would have probably upped me again had I continued visits but I didn’t. I decided to get off of Effexor because it wasn’t doing anything positive for me. No real help but it would cause me to sweat ridiculously. So I thought “let’s see what life will be like without it. What have I got to lose?” I started to reduce the dose in mid-June by dropping from 225mg to 150, then to 112.5, then 75, 56.25, 37.5, 18.75, then finally 0. Each taper was about 2 weeks apart (some shorter, some longer) with my final pill of 18.75 taken on August 29. I know this sounds dumb and even ungrateful but I have had no withdrawal symptoms and I’m really upset about that. I’ve had no flu-like pains, no nausea, no headaches, and definitely no brain zaps, which in a sadistic way I was really looking forward to. Now, I’ve only been off the med for 12 days so maybe the bad effects are still coming. But assuming they are not I’m actually quite p***** about that. I was taking this powerful SNRI for 2+ years and then I stopped within 8 weeks so shouldn’t I be having some withdrawal effects? I mean, was the medication even in my system? I feel cheated because I gave 2+ years of my life to this med but then I stopped without the common withdrawal problems that most experience. So was I taking bad meds? Maybe defective meds? And since Effexor never really helped me, again, was I getting gypped the whole time? I know I should be grateful that getting off the med was such a cakewalk. Some people have terrible struggles with that. I’m not disappointed that I had no ill effects, instead, the lack of withdrawal symptoms makes me question whether the med was ever doing anything for me.