I am not the type of guy to discuss his feelings so I will try my best, even though it will be hard.
I am 19, and am off to college soon and to be blunt, I don't see the point anymore...in anything.
Growing up I always believed that something would happen to me to show me what I want to do once I got out of High School. Somethings so silly I won't bother sharing, I was just really hopeful for my future. Now that I grew up and need to pick what I want to go to school for, I have admitted to myself that I can't just hope for my life to get interesting I have to do something myself. I have questioned people in any field that I have even the slightest interest in to try and find what I want to do; I can't imagine living each day doing what they do each day. I didn't see myself being happy at any job, I realized that I need to be honest with myself...it was because I haven't been happy for a long time. Ever sense I was 12 years old I would lay down to go to sleep and just be miserable. I started writhing this at 5 am because I couldn't sleep; I was lying in bed crying and decided to look for help. I always told myself that I was so sad because I knew I had to go to school the next day (I had a bad relationship with school) and that once I got out of school things would be different, they aren't. The only difference is that my sadness isn't restricted to my bed now; it's whenever I am alone my mind drifts back to feeling terrible. I would hate to post a wall of text for someone to read, but I don't think I can explain my problem in a short post. I am sorry if it is too long.
I think a lot of my issues have stemmed from me being incredibly shy and so scared, when I was little I was so shy that I wouldn't even speak to anyone other than my parents, older sister, and little brother. I would even speak to my aunt until she bribed me with toys for 2 years. I was so scared of everything I used to make my little brother hide in the bathroom under the sink so I could pee. I was to terrified of being alone I thought something would happen to me if I was ever alone, I am not sure why I was like this, I just was. If I had to guess it was because of my older sister (16 months older) used to bully me, when I was under 10 years old I was really skinny and short for someone my age, now I am 6 foot 2 and weigh 260 pounds. One time she convinced me to play hide and seek in her room. There was only 2 places to hide under her bed and in her toy chest, I was also very afraid of the dark so I hid in the toy chest because I could hold the plastic lid high enough to let in light. My sister then left the room, got my Gameboy and then sat on top the toy chests I couldn't get out. I was stuck in there for about 40 mins until my dad came inside the house and heard me yelling. My sister also once tried to teach me cursive, but spelling, and handwriting have never been one of my strong suits, ever time misspelled something or wrote a letter wrong she would slap me with a yard stick, either on the hand or in the face. I thought my sister was just really strong and really mean so I always knuckled under when around her.
Ever sense I hit puberty I am not scared of anything anymore. The dark, ghosts, haunted houses, none of that scares me anymore. I assume because I am 6 foot 2 so I feel much stronger than I did when I was a kid. I still am shy but that's less of a fear and more of a ... I am not sure how to put it, but you know what I mean it’s different than an actual fear. The only thing that scares me is Death. I don't know what happens after you die but if religion is wrong and non-religious people are right and you just stop existing than that is the most horrible and terrifying thing I have ever heard.
One day my sister brought one of her friends over; I thought she was pretty and nice. I tried to hang out with my sister and her friend, but I made a teasing joke about her (nothing to mean) so she punched me in the arm (joking around) I walked off and cried. I would assume that was the day I changed to more like the person I am now, I lie about and hide everything about the real me. I spent most of my live insulting myself and telling myself to "grow up" and "toughen up wuss". I was tired of being bullied by my sister and some kids at school, the kids at school just kinda teased me not actual bullying come to think of it. So I decided to act like someone I wish I was. I wanted to "be a man" and tried every day to be tough and emotionless, I wanted to be someone that no one could bother emotionally or physically, luckily at school this wasn't much on an issue. I had a mentally handicapped kid in my class from Kindergarten to High School and everyone in my grade was really defensive about him. If anyone picked on him he would have 3 or 4 of us backing him up and telling the other person to leave him alone, this translated into everyone in my grade looking out for each other (most of the time). The trouble was at home...
My sister picked on me all the way up to 7th grade, something happened that summer that I might describe later. By the time I hit middle school I became very adept at lying and everyone (even my family) bought the act I was putting on. I had been told and heard people talking about me or too me saying "He's tough, He's doesn't cry," my parents even described me as "a man in training” because they said I was tough enough to handle "Man Training". I heard "He doesn't cry" a lot which made me feel good that people that people thought that of me, even though it wasn't true. I was still the same person on the inside, wanting to cry at every little thing. An example of how easy it was for to cry, I told everyone "I don't listen to music" everyone took that as "I hate music" which isn't true.
I have to be honest here; I don't know what is "normal". I am not sure if this is a normal thing or a weird thing, but almost every song makes me want to cry. I don't know what is "normal" for a lot of things involving thoughts, dreams, and feelings because I have spent my life desperately trying to avoid those topics because the make me cry. I don't know a lot about music because I avoid it a lot, but any song that isn't the same genre as Disturbed and Avenge Sevenfold then it makes me sad and if I am alone I cry even if I try not to. When I say "cry" I don't mean bawl or sob, just cry, tears run down my face but my face remains emotionless. That is one of the things I am not sure if it is normal or not.
Now that I am out of School I have a lot of free time (haven't found a job and am off to college soon) so I have spent a lot of it trying to find and "fix" whatever is wrong with my brain. I shouldn't be so sad so often, I was never abused, I was never sexually assaulted, and I was never molested. There are a lot of people that are worse off than me, but still I am very sad. I spent a long time trying to figure it out and I think to truly understand where I am coming from I need to start at the beginning of my hunt to find what’s wrong with me.
Quite a few years ago I started trying to find what was wrong. When I first started I thought I was crazy or possessed because I had a voice in my head that I couldn't hear but knew what it was saying, it was always telling me what I did/said/thinking was wrong or bad. It was like an instinct to do things that would always suggest thing I wouldn't ever do. As time went on I tried to ignore the voice and move one, but it was persistent and eventually I started listening to it just to hear what it was suggesting, and what it was suggesting wasn't always bad. I never told anyone because I was afraid they would think I was crazy or stupid and am mistaking my conscious as a voice. I am aware of what a conscious is and unless I had multiple that disagree that it wasn't my conscious I was hearing. At one point I thought I had multiple personalities because there was what I considered my voice in my mind, the voice doesn't suggest bad stuff just weird stuff...and the voice that suggested bad things (that part that worried me enough to come here) Now that I have been reminiscing on my life and I remembered that I used to be shy, I realized, it's not a voice, I am not possessed, it's my old self. I realized that everything it was suggesting was the way I used to think, before I started acting tough. Things like "hide from them" "convince someone to come with you so you won't have to talk to strangers" "don't say that people will look at you". Now to be clear because I don't know how other people's minds work but these "voices" I am referring to are not actual voices, I don't hear them with my ears or my mind, it’s just like there is someone else's thought overlapping my own, I don't know if that is normal or if I should get medication but I don't feel like it’s too strange. I have been trying to let my real self out little by little because I feel like my family/friends like who I am pretending to be and not how I am on the inside.
Up to about 2 years ago I hadn't cried since I was 12, but I always hear letting out your emotions is healthy so I when I am alone and I feel said I have been trying to let myself cry. I have been trying to prevent myself from crying for so long that it is hard to start now. I often feel the need to cry, but am unable. I did a lot of reminiscing on my past because I haven't had much else to do. It dug up some old emotions and some painful memories. I know talking about your problems makes you feel better about them so I had been confronting my issues in my mind and digging for others to solve. I came across a long forgotten (and possibly repressed) memory where I think I almost got molested. I spent a long time thinking about that memory and how lucky I was that nothing ended happening because someone walked by and scared the person that was gonna molest me. That was really hard to admit let alone type. Eventually I spent so much digging in my old memories looking for anything and everything I could I did find some strange ones and some that shined the light on a problem I never knew I had. Here is another question that might be dumb for me not to know by now, but I am not gonna ask me family, is having fragments of memories of places that never happened normal? I have a memory of walking through grandmother’s house at night to her bedroom and being scared and alone, but I have NEVER been in my grandma's house at night, not once, and never alone. Judging by how low to the ground my perspective is I am guessing I was 8-11 years old. I spent a lot of time thinking about that but can't find any reason to have remembered that or any time I could have been at my grandma's house at or anywhere near night. Figured I would share because it confuses me.
Something I recently admitted to myself that I have been denying for a long time is... I am lonely. I always denied that because I am close with my friends and family, how could I be lonely? I think it has something to do with never having a girlfriend, when I say never I mean NEVER. What brought this up is that my sister has been dating her boyfriend for 4 years now, my only friend that I still talk to after High School is getting married this month, and my little brother has his first girlfriend. Meanwhile I never had a girlfriend and only ever had a crush on one girl. When asked why I never had a girlfriend before I always say "I'm not looking for a girlfriend, I am looking for a wife". I am an old soul in a modern world. What I mean by that is that I don't want a girlfriend just to have one I want to find my soul mate, the one I was destined to find. I am also a romantic guy that believes his heart will tell him who is soul mate is once I meet her. The only girl I ever had a crush on that I actually considered dating was in high school and I blew it. I think she even had a crush on me.
I try and trim this down basically she was the reason I went to school every day, before she moved to town my attendance almost got me held back, once she move here I went to school almost every day. She had the locker right next to mine for 3 years but the shy side of me never let me actually talk to her, she would talk at me time we were at the lockers together and I would just nod and grunt back because I was too shy to talk to her. I think she even tried to ask me out, but because I am oblivious and didn't notice the signs at the time I blew it, I am sure lots of people have similar stories, but to a guy that believes we all have 1 person we are supposed to be searching for to have 1 girl he was completely different around, the only reason he goes to school is to see her, to then realize she liked me to is pretty painful. I never thought she could like someone like my but looking back and having told a few people this story, we all agree she liked me. I couldn't believe she would have liked me because I have a pretty low opinion of my appearance, especially because I am overweight, and she was best looking girls in the school. She even would tell me I was fat every time I would joke about how fat I was. She once sat down next to me and brought up the dance that was coming up, because I am so shy and don't like dances as a result I said the first thing that came to mind and told her I didn't go to dances and that I didn't like them. She ignored what I said and walked off, a little while late she came back and sat down. She said that a boy just asked her to the dance, but she didn't want to go with him, I told her to tell him no, she said she didn't want to hurt his feelings and that she wished she had an excuse not to go with him, she said she wished she could say she was already going with someone else. I may be reading to into that situation but that looks like a moment straight out of a romantic movie. I told her to just tell him no if she didn't want to go with him.
I haven't told my family about my problem because the type of person I am pretending to be would never have this kind of problem and I don't want to show them the real me because they will lose a lot of respect for me and they won't like the side of me that I didn't post about here, it’s a side that I don't like admitting I have because it worries me and I hope it is just another lie I can't remember if it’s true or not.
All those memories showing me where I messed up in life and where things could have been worse on top of the fact I still kind find the root of my sadness is putting a lot of strain on me. There is a lot more I could have typed but this post is getting much too long. My fear of death is the only reason why I haven't called a suicide hotline for help; they should be helping people that might actually **** themselves. I have been questioning everything about the way I think for few years trying to stop being so sad and lots of things about me have changed, I don't think my fear of death will be one of those. However not wanting to live like this anymore and not wanting to die is a very confusing feeling to have. I guess what I am looking for is someone that knows how I feel or has had experiences in their life similar to mine that can offer advice, because as I stand I don't know how I can live like this and I don't know how to solve this. I never thought I could work up the courage to go onto one of these sights so other than finally telling my family this is my last hope.