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Everything posted by Pointlessname99

  1. I am gratful for my Computer, a window into a world larger than my own
  2. My issue is not so much that society tells me I have to be strong, its that I wish I was. I can't handle my own mind, yet I wish I could be everyones super hero and help them with anything, but I often feel like I am more akin to the super villian
  3. If I had to guess why you like the cartoons, is because it brings you back to when you were so young life just made sence. I often think about how pointless each day will be and fantasize about when I was 8 or 9 and I would just live each day, because I didn't need a reason to live, I just did, but not anymore. In other words, no you aren't insane, and are among like minded people here.
  4. Growing up I had 5 different best friends up until high school, we would do everything together, but eventually they all leave me. Once I lost one friend I would try and make a new best friends, and I went through 5 of them until one stuck, kinda. He and I rarely hang out like we used to because he moved 3000 miles away, got married, and has a kid. My whooe middle school social experience was me loathing because my friends always leave me, I blamed myself. No matter how hard I try I still can't help but blame myself, like I pushed them away, some way somehow. So in short, yes, I know how it feels, and it hurts...
  5. My mother takes pills for her deppression and she hid it from my siblings for a long time, my dad always suspected, but when she finally admitted it he convinced her to tell my siblings and me. After that she got medicated and is muc happier, she thought we would all look down on her for her condition, my dad thought it would make us look up to her more, and honestly it didn't effect my opinion of her, we just get to hang out with her more cause she isn't sleeping all day anymore. After that my sister got medicated for her mood issues and now she and I get along. She used to have a hatred for me (she has admited that) and she had no idea why, so she used to bully me a lot. My point is that maybe medication is the way to go, my family was almost unaffected by my mom getting medicated, it just made her feel better. Plus it made us all worry less about her strange behavior, for some reason Deppression seams to be impossible to spot in close ones and you always wassume something else about them. If you told your wife what is wrong she won't think your cheating on her anymore (if she even thought that in the first place)
  6. I forgot to point out that my questions is this "Am I making a mistake in studying graphic art because the evidence I provided proves that the guidance counselor was wrong or I am I lying to myself again?"
  7. So when I was a freshman, 6 years ago, I got hit with the "what do you want to be your career?" question. I got sent to a guidance counselor because I couldn't fill out my worksheets cause I had no idea. Honestly I didn't expect to live long enough to have to choose a career, aka I assumed I would be dead before I got to college (starting college this winter term, btw). Anyway I was talking with the guidance counselor and I told them that I wanted to be a mechanic like my father, they told me that was a bad idea. I the told them I liked animals, so maybe I could be a vet, they had me hold out my hand and because I couldn't keep my hand straight, they told me that would never happen. I told them I love to draw, they said I can't be an artist with shakey hands, I told them I like electronics so maybe I could make computers or work in robotics, they said not with shakey hands. I ended up getting excused from the career assignments. I am pursing a career in graphic arts, Did I just have a bad guidance counselor or am I making a mistake fore trying to be an artist with shakey hands? On computer games and console games I can draw my own emblems that are "high quality" that my frineds joke about mine looking way better than theres, I am also a good shot on games like Call of Duty and Halo. If my hands were too shakey to draw wouldn't it also throw my aim of and hinder my art skills in those games? When I to the "firing range" (a place everyone goes to shoot cans) in real life, I am a good shot. I can shoot a quarter all the way to the back of the "firing range" using the iron sights, when most people can't hit a milk jug at that distance WITH A SCOPE! If I can do all that why would I be able to draw well enough to pursue a career as a graphic artist?
  8. you can always come back to this site if you need it again :)
  9. I happene to plan on making my living on the "stupid computer" by making those "stupid games" so if drawing is something you enjoy maybe you could consider pursuing a career in graphic arts, thats what I am doing. I was discouraged because I can't seem to draw anything decent, but on the computer I learned how to use the mouse draw and even got picked up by a mod developer to make models for thier mod (a long time ago). So my life revolves around my computer aswell, thats the age we live in. If you told your parents you want to be a graphic artist then if they are good parents they will support you and "fix the router".
  10. the chat is where I ran to whenI first joined this site, met some nice people, I would recomend it.
  11. I deal with thoughts like that a lot (its the reason I joined this site) and I am not sure on a perminent solution, but the temporary solution I use is humming/whistling. I avoid music cause it makes me emotional so I memorized 1 song that didn't make me emotional and now I distract myself by whistling it, humming it, or singing it it my head. At the very least I am not thinking anymore and am just repeating a tune, hopefully that will help you too. Also the being worried about acting on it while drunk is the very reason I don't drink, you might want to consider not getting drunk untill you find a perminent solution, and if you do please share.
  12. fetish (not being vulgar, just honest)
  13. i am not sure how politcal you are, but if I could give any advice it would be to ignore politics. I am not sure which country you are reffering to the "election" but if it is America then I can tell you this, The president doesn't really do much, its mostly just for show. The checks and balances system will kepp the president from doing anything radical, ie. all the talk about Clinton "taking our guns away". The government learned its lesson from the prohibition, you can take away something "scary" by making it illegal, thats how orginized crime thrives. Trump or Clinton, either way they won't have much power and won't effect much, but that might just be the case for me because I live in a small town.
  14. I dont think I have anxiety. I am not an anxious person, maybe because I am usually thinking about multiple things and just about what is happening. Although I don't know what "anxiety" means exactly so maybe I am wrong. I am a shy person so maybe I have social anxiety, I don't know thought, like I said I dont know what all that entails. As for self esteem issues, I am not sure. Other people can not bother me with thier words, but there opinions do bother me. Sometimes because they have a poor opinion of something I like or they have a positive opinion of something I despise. However I do have a rather large issue with myself because I have hidden away who I really am from everyone around me because if growing up taught me anything is that once people get to know the real me, they will make any excuse to get away from me. So a long time ago I "locked up" my real self and hide it in the back of my mind and proceeded to act like someone else, someone better, someone that can only mkae friends and not enemies. It worked, sort of. I have a huge amount of people that think/thought I was an ok guy and they considered me a "friend" but I had a small circle of real friends. Whom I slowly drove away by letting the real me leak out from time to time. Now I am clutching to the last friend I have left, and he got married, has a kid, and is 1000 miles away (a little more actually). My dad noticed my extra thought that I put into my interactions with others in an effort to be the kind of person they would like, now he thinks I have "social brilliance" (in his words) and that I am a confident collected guy and is super proud about it. To bad its not true and he assumed wrong, but I am such a coward and am aftaid of lossing the positive opinion of the few people ledt in my life (my 3 family members) I can summon up the courage to tell him the truth. Hell I havent told anyone that I am actually a big wuss that keeps crying himself to sleep at night because he messed up his life because he faked who he was and slowly drove people away with the sucky person he is on the inside slipping out every now and again. So I hate that I am faking who I am and hate who I really am. I guess you can call that self esteem issues.
  15. I am usually numb, bored, or disinterested before I start day dreaming which usually leads to that thought. However ripping my skin off isnt the only thing I day dream about, sometimes I am getting my arm broken and spun up into a ball or shoving nails through my arm, other times I am burning alive. All of which I imagine someone doing those things to me but I feel like I am both getting hurt and the one hurting me. Afterwards I am usually freaked out at the fact I was imagining that and was kinda relaxed, like I was drifting off in my thoughts about something terrible. I have insomnia problems, I feel like my future is hopeless either because I don't see my life working out in anyway good or I feel like I ruined my life with past mistakes. I am a romantic guy that believes that everyone has a soul mate they are supposed to hunt for and I feel like I already missed my chance to meet her or I will screw it up at some point and end up alone...again.
  16. So I have had insomnia issues for a long time.I play it off as just a person that stays up all night doing stuff and get the same generic replys from people. "Thats not good for you" and "You should sleep more" are the 2 most common. The thing is I am not being honest with them because I am usually lying awake in my bed, not playing video games or working on something. I never feel like I can check off the day as finished, when I lie down for bed I feel like i am forgeting something or that I am wasting the day by ending it. Or I am lying in my bed on the verge of crying because of many reasons that I have dealt with for a long time. My reason for starting this topic is that I have recieved a lot of good advice from the forums/live chat that have put my mind at ease, at least for awhile, and am hoping I can get advice. When i lie awake in bed I either am upset or...well...I guess the best way to refer to the way i feel is numb. I feel like I am off, not "off" as in I feel different, but "off" as in not "On". I feel emotionless as if nothing could make me feel better or worse. Like my feelings broke and arent working. I have tried to force myself to feel something. Sometimes I want to feel sad, just to feel something. I have tryed thinking about horrible things (I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I get desperate). I have tried to think of happy things to make me feel good, but I feel nothing...like I broke myself. I am not sure how to fix this cause I think it is why i can't sleep, I am unable to get lost in my thoughts and drift off because nothing makes me feelgood or bad. I think this has taken effect on me in other ways too. I have been talking to other users in the chat and was telling them about another issue I have that I think is related to this. Sometimes I feel like I am a serial killer in waiting. Sometimes when I day dream I think about someone torturing me, but even though I should image like it hurts, but I don't ...so I guess that means I feel good? Also I always image I am both the person being tortured and the one torturing me. For example a reaccuring day dream I have is one where I get the skin ripped off my hand. I always feel like I am getting my skin ripped off AND like I am ripping my own skin off, but I always image 2 different people, but I feel like I am both of them. That sounds like the hought process of a serial killer, but I don't want to hurt people! I enjoy helping people (I think because it makes me feel better about myself for helping someone else, because if I can't help myself feel better at least I can help someone else feel better). I think those kind if day dreams and my reaction to them is a result of my night time numbness (not restricted to night time just when it effects me most) and me trying to force some feelings out. Anyone have any advice for how to resolve this night time numbness or why I day dream like this? Like i said before, I have recieved a lot of good advice from this site that has put my mind at ease so hopefully you all can help me again. I just wish I could offer advice to others with thier issues on this site, but I don't have any advice for them because if I can't solve my own problems, how could I solve their's?
  17. I appreciate the replay Epictetusa and am sorry to hear about your tendinitis. I also appreciate the kind words, and so far from the replays and the live chat most of what I heard is to look into getting pills to help. I am desperately clinging to the only thing I am proud which is the fact that my friends and family all think I am so resilient. I am trying to avoid professional help because my family will undoubtedly find out. I will consider it an option however, if I can't find a way to relieve my self of my troubles
  18. A big problem with the way I feel is that my friends and family look to me to be their emotional rock, I have been that person where if you are feeling sad and need some to help without them getting swept up the emotion they look to me. Its kinda the only think I like about myself that I have no insult towards. If I crumble like that to any of them they won't see me in the same light, I feel trapped. It seems like just another one of my problems I have to try and solve on my own, and getting medicated won't be possible until I find a job and move out otherwise my family will figure it out. Another concern is that I am really shy (not matter how much I fight it or hide it) and hate being the center of attention. I try my hardest to be forgiving of myself even when I make mistakes and I start insulting my self I try to stop it with excuses but even when I am not thinking about it I can still feel it. Thanks for the reply, btw
  19. I am not the type of guy to discuss his feelings so I will try my best, even though it will be hard. I am 19, and am off to college soon and to be blunt, I don't see the point anymore...in anything. Growing up I always believed that something would happen to me to show me what I want to do once I got out of High School. Somethings so silly I won't bother sharing, I was just really hopeful for my future. Now that I grew up and need to pick what I want to go to school for, I have admitted to myself that I can't just hope for my life to get interesting I have to do something myself. I have questioned people in any field that I have even the slightest interest in to try and find what I want to do; I can't imagine living each day doing what they do each day. I didn't see myself being happy at any job, I realized that I need to be honest with myself...it was because I haven't been happy for a long time. Ever sense I was 12 years old I would lay down to go to sleep and just be miserable. I started writhing this at 5 am because I couldn't sleep; I was lying in bed crying and decided to look for help. I always told myself that I was so sad because I knew I had to go to school the next day (I had a bad relationship with school) and that once I got out of school things would be different, they aren't. The only difference is that my sadness isn't restricted to my bed now; it's whenever I am alone my mind drifts back to feeling terrible. I would hate to post a wall of text for someone to read, but I don't think I can explain my problem in a short post. I am sorry if it is too long. I think a lot of my issues have stemmed from me being incredibly shy and so scared, when I was little I was so shy that I wouldn't even speak to anyone other than my parents, older sister, and little brother. I would even speak to my aunt until she bribed me with toys for 2 years. I was so scared of everything I used to make my little brother hide in the bathroom under the sink so I could pee. I was to terrified of being alone I thought something would happen to me if I was ever alone, I am not sure why I was like this, I just was. If I had to guess it was because of my older sister (16 months older) used to bully me, when I was under 10 years old I was really skinny and short for someone my age, now I am 6 foot 2 and weigh 260 pounds. One time she convinced me to play hide and seek in her room. There was only 2 places to hide under her bed and in her toy chest, I was also very afraid of the dark so I hid in the toy chest because I could hold the plastic lid high enough to let in light. My sister then left the room, got my Gameboy and then sat on top the toy chests I couldn't get out. I was stuck in there for about 40 mins until my dad came inside the house and heard me yelling. My sister also once tried to teach me cursive, but spelling, and handwriting have never been one of my strong suits, ever time misspelled something or wrote a letter wrong she would slap me with a yard stick, either on the hand or in the face. I thought my sister was just really strong and really mean so I always knuckled under when around her. Ever sense I hit puberty I am not scared of anything anymore. The dark, ghosts, haunted houses, none of that scares me anymore. I assume because I am 6 foot 2 so I feel much stronger than I did when I was a kid. I still am shy but that's less of a fear and more of a ... I am not sure how to put it, but you know what I mean it’s different than an actual fear. The only thing that scares me is Death. I don't know what happens after you die but if religion is wrong and non-religious people are right and you just stop existing than that is the most horrible and terrifying thing I have ever heard. One day my sister brought one of her friends over; I thought she was pretty and nice. I tried to hang out with my sister and her friend, but I made a teasing joke about her (nothing to mean) so she punched me in the arm (joking around) I walked off and cried. I would assume that was the day I changed to more like the person I am now, I lie about and hide everything about the real me. I spent most of my live insulting myself and telling myself to "grow up" and "toughen up wuss". I was tired of being bullied by my sister and some kids at school, the kids at school just kinda teased me not actual bullying come to think of it. So I decided to act like someone I wish I was. I wanted to "be a man" and tried every day to be tough and emotionless, I wanted to be someone that no one could bother emotionally or physically, luckily at school this wasn't much on an issue. I had a mentally handicapped kid in my class from Kindergarten to High School and everyone in my grade was really defensive about him. If anyone picked on him he would have 3 or 4 of us backing him up and telling the other person to leave him alone, this translated into everyone in my grade looking out for each other (most of the time). The trouble was at home... My sister picked on me all the way up to 7th grade, something happened that summer that I might describe later. By the time I hit middle school I became very adept at lying and everyone (even my family) bought the act I was putting on. I had been told and heard people talking about me or too me saying "He's tough, He's doesn't cry," my parents even described me as "a man in training” because they said I was tough enough to handle "Man Training". I heard "He doesn't cry" a lot which made me feel good that people that people thought that of me, even though it wasn't true. I was still the same person on the inside, wanting to cry at every little thing. An example of how easy it was for to cry, I told everyone "I don't listen to music" everyone took that as "I hate music" which isn't true. I have to be honest here; I don't know what is "normal". I am not sure if this is a normal thing or a weird thing, but almost every song makes me want to cry. I don't know what is "normal" for a lot of things involving thoughts, dreams, and feelings because I have spent my life desperately trying to avoid those topics because the make me cry. I don't know a lot about music because I avoid it a lot, but any song that isn't the same genre as Disturbed and Avenge Sevenfold then it makes me sad and if I am alone I cry even if I try not to. When I say "cry" I don't mean bawl or sob, just cry, tears run down my face but my face remains emotionless. That is one of the things I am not sure if it is normal or not. Now that I am out of School I have a lot of free time (haven't found a job and am off to college soon) so I have spent a lot of it trying to find and "fix" whatever is wrong with my brain. I shouldn't be so sad so often, I was never abused, I was never sexually assaulted, and I was never molested. There are a lot of people that are worse off than me, but still I am very sad. I spent a long time trying to figure it out and I think to truly understand where I am coming from I need to start at the beginning of my hunt to find what’s wrong with me. Quite a few years ago I started trying to find what was wrong. When I first started I thought I was crazy or possessed because I had a voice in my head that I couldn't hear but knew what it was saying, it was always telling me what I did/said/thinking was wrong or bad. It was like an instinct to do things that would always suggest thing I wouldn't ever do. As time went on I tried to ignore the voice and move one, but it was persistent and eventually I started listening to it just to hear what it was suggesting, and what it was suggesting wasn't always bad. I never told anyone because I was afraid they would think I was crazy or stupid and am mistaking my conscious as a voice. I am aware of what a conscious is and unless I had multiple that disagree that it wasn't my conscious I was hearing. At one point I thought I had multiple personalities because there was what I considered my voice in my mind, the voice doesn't suggest bad stuff just weird stuff...and the voice that suggested bad things (that part that worried me enough to come here) Now that I have been reminiscing on my life and I remembered that I used to be shy, I realized, it's not a voice, I am not possessed, it's my old self. I realized that everything it was suggesting was the way I used to think, before I started acting tough. Things like "hide from them" "convince someone to come with you so you won't have to talk to strangers" "don't say that people will look at you". Now to be clear because I don't know how other people's minds work but these "voices" I am referring to are not actual voices, I don't hear them with my ears or my mind, it’s just like there is someone else's thought overlapping my own, I don't know if that is normal or if I should get medication but I don't feel like it’s too strange. I have been trying to let my real self out little by little because I feel like my family/friends like who I am pretending to be and not how I am on the inside. Up to about 2 years ago I hadn't cried since I was 12, but I always hear letting out your emotions is healthy so I when I am alone and I feel said I have been trying to let myself cry. I have been trying to prevent myself from crying for so long that it is hard to start now. I often feel the need to cry, but am unable. I did a lot of reminiscing on my past because I haven't had much else to do. It dug up some old emotions and some painful memories. I know talking about your problems makes you feel better about them so I had been confronting my issues in my mind and digging for others to solve. I came across a long forgotten (and possibly repressed) memory where I think I almost got molested. I spent a long time thinking about that memory and how lucky I was that nothing ended happening because someone walked by and scared the person that was gonna molest me. That was really hard to admit let alone type. Eventually I spent so much digging in my old memories looking for anything and everything I could I did find some strange ones and some that shined the light on a problem I never knew I had. Here is another question that might be dumb for me not to know by now, but I am not gonna ask me family, is having fragments of memories of places that never happened normal? I have a memory of walking through grandmother’s house at night to her bedroom and being scared and alone, but I have NEVER been in my grandma's house at night, not once, and never alone. Judging by how low to the ground my perspective is I am guessing I was 8-11 years old. I spent a lot of time thinking about that but can't find any reason to have remembered that or any time I could have been at my grandma's house at or anywhere near night. Figured I would share because it confuses me. Something I recently admitted to myself that I have been denying for a long time is... I am lonely. I always denied that because I am close with my friends and family, how could I be lonely? I think it has something to do with never having a girlfriend, when I say never I mean NEVER. What brought this up is that my sister has been dating her boyfriend for 4 years now, my only friend that I still talk to after High School is getting married this month, and my little brother has his first girlfriend. Meanwhile I never had a girlfriend and only ever had a crush on one girl. When asked why I never had a girlfriend before I always say "I'm not looking for a girlfriend, I am looking for a wife". I am an old soul in a modern world. What I mean by that is that I don't want a girlfriend just to have one I want to find my soul mate, the one I was destined to find. I am also a romantic guy that believes his heart will tell him who is soul mate is once I meet her. The only girl I ever had a crush on that I actually considered dating was in high school and I blew it. I think she even had a crush on me. I try and trim this down basically she was the reason I went to school every day, before she moved to town my attendance almost got me held back, once she move here I went to school almost every day. She had the locker right next to mine for 3 years but the shy side of me never let me actually talk to her, she would talk at me time we were at the lockers together and I would just nod and grunt back because I was too shy to talk to her. I think she even tried to ask me out, but because I am oblivious and didn't notice the signs at the time I blew it, I am sure lots of people have similar stories, but to a guy that believes we all have 1 person we are supposed to be searching for to have 1 girl he was completely different around, the only reason he goes to school is to see her, to then realize she liked me to is pretty painful. I never thought she could like someone like my but looking back and having told a few people this story, we all agree she liked me. I couldn't believe she would have liked me because I have a pretty low opinion of my appearance, especially because I am overweight, and she was best looking girls in the school. She even would tell me I was fat every time I would joke about how fat I was. She once sat down next to me and brought up the dance that was coming up, because I am so shy and don't like dances as a result I said the first thing that came to mind and told her I didn't go to dances and that I didn't like them. She ignored what I said and walked off, a little while late she came back and sat down. She said that a boy just asked her to the dance, but she didn't want to go with him, I told her to tell him no, she said she didn't want to hurt his feelings and that she wished she had an excuse not to go with him, she said she wished she could say she was already going with someone else. I may be reading to into that situation but that looks like a moment straight out of a romantic movie. I told her to just tell him no if she didn't want to go with him. I haven't told my family about my problem because the type of person I am pretending to be would never have this kind of problem and I don't want to show them the real me because they will lose a lot of respect for me and they won't like the side of me that I didn't post about here, it’s a side that I don't like admitting I have because it worries me and I hope it is just another lie I can't remember if it’s true or not. All those memories showing me where I messed up in life and where things could have been worse on top of the fact I still kind find the root of my sadness is putting a lot of strain on me. There is a lot more I could have typed but this post is getting much too long. My fear of death is the only reason why I haven't called a suicide hotline for help; they should be helping people that might actually **** themselves. I have been questioning everything about the way I think for few years trying to stop being so sad and lots of things about me have changed, I don't think my fear of death will be one of those. However not wanting to live like this anymore and not wanting to die is a very confusing feeling to have. I guess what I am looking for is someone that knows how I feel or has had experiences in their life similar to mine that can offer advice, because as I stand I don't know how I can live like this and I don't know how to solve this. I never thought I could work up the courage to go onto one of these sights so other than finally telling my family this is my last hope.
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