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Everything posted by Maluhalu

  1. I am glad you have found your way out of something that was all wrong for you! I feel like we had oposite takes on our ways out, so I figured I'd share. I grew up in a christian family, Lutheran. My grandparents were the driving force behind our family values. And it was so beautifull to me. They were such good, accepting people. God was love, jesus was love. The bible stories were inspirational, the songs so uplifting... I had a God that saw me and cared, and that gave me a support and sureness that was so good. It was also the part of my life was stable and kept me up through all the things that should not be happening in a childs life. Religion was one of the few things I didn't feel was forced upon me... But as I grew older it got harder and harder to not see the backside and the flaws in religion. Logicly it just wasn't making sense anymore, not to me. I felt I had been lied to, only shown what they had wanted me to see...all my security became false. One day I gave up trying to pretend, I knew it was lost to me. I didn't feel it...not anymore. For a long time I was heartbroken, I think greiving even. I tried sometimes to let go of all I knew, just to feel the way I did as a child again, but it wasn't happening. It just made me feel worse when I was already down. And it was holding me back from finding a solution in myself. Today I have let go, but the 'breakup' will always sting a little when i think of it. Things like what you had to endure is part of what opened my eyes, so I am glad for it.
  2. Hey, Llama :} I am rather new myself, and I find almost as much comfort that I can come here and share as I do in actually sharing. For me the affect my depression and anxieties have on my suroundings is the toughest to handle, so I can recognise myself in what you said. Here I can be openly frustrated about those things, and be understood. Hopefully I can give that feeling of support back to the comunity as well, and help someone else also feel less alone. Welcome!!
  3. It is never easy beeing sure that a relationship is going to work out, even when someone says the words it is scary. I can truly understand not daring to jump in. And comming back this summer and seeing how it goes was not a bad strategy, one step at the time is fine. i think the issue here is that if you are trying to make something happen with someone new, someone you feel you love, that fiance should be out of the picture regardless. Keeping him as a back up is not fair to him. He deserves you to let him find someone who wants only him. I don't mean to be harsh, but you should let him go no matter the outcome. Maybe you beeing engaged was something holding the new guy back from expressing his feelings properly all this time? I personally would not have layed my feelings bare to someone who had promised themselves to someone else without beeing sure that was a thing of the past. Ofc, that is what I would have felt, I don't know the guy, he might not be good at opening up in any case...or something else might be the reason. In any case, I would brake it off with the fiance before reaching out again. No matter if that works out or not. It might be what he need to hear.
  4. Thank you! Gonna take some time, but we are getting there ?
  5. Today my boyfriend won the bid on the house we want! :D
  6. You are very young, and you have been in a relationship with this guy for 3 years. People change ALL through their lives, but the time between teen and adult is often the time where most changes. Unfortunatly beeing with someone going through depression is hard, and it takes someone strong and dedicated. It sounds like this guy of yours is not that person in your life. The way he speaks to you and his general attitude isn't saying anything that makes me think you should fight for him. Even if he gives in and gives you a chance, I don't think he will be there for you in the way you deserve or need. Have you thought through your feelings for him? Do you really love him anymore? -Him-, not the history of you together, or not beeing alone? Him, for who he is now. After so long apart, do you actually really know him anymore? It is really hard to analyze your own feelings like that, more so when everything feels like it is falling apart. It might feel like beeing alone is worse than anything. But alone is better than beeing with someone who doesn't care for or support you. Having said that, you are -not- truly alone. You have started by reaching out here, and we are many going through depression and the like. We are here for you. Reach out in real life as well. It is a barrier, but talking to someone. ex: therapist, group counceling, etc (i don't know if schools there have someone as well) can help. It has helped me and many others. I am so sorry you don't have the proper support from your family through all of this. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me *hugs*
  7. Went to see Suicide Squad last night, the song 'Gangster' is stuck in my brain :P I am actually listening to the album 'Aurora - All My Demons Greeting Me as a Friend' <3
  8. Me and my two best friends getting together and eating all the home made sushi we could manage. So good, and we had so much fun in eachothers company. Been a while apart. Good day ?
  9. I just finished Stranger Things, I loved it. So worth the watch, I need more...
  10. This is heartbreaking and beautifull. Thank you for sharing.
  11. If you put yourself in his shoes... You say you have been talking about you coming back, how he made sure everything was ready for you. All his thought on your reuninon, you'll finally get to be together again. Just the two of you. And as it is for sure -you- want this, because that is what you have said all this time. Then there you are, ring still on your finger. How is that going to make him feel. You are not free, clearly not there to be his. You still belong to someone else. Could it be he is in love with you and thought everything you talked of leading to you coming back was a start of something real between you? That you not breaking the engagement was quite a blow? Ofc, I could be wrong. But I just find it helpfull to turn the view around when I wonder 'why' when others react as they do. Just to consider what went wrong/how I feel when I don't get lost in my own experience of the situation. If my uneducated guess has any truth you could maybe turn things around by letting your fiance go and apologizing to the guy you love. Maybe it won't fix anything, but if you truly want to be with him it deserves you going all inn, win or lose. If he is still done, then you ofc have to accept that, but at least you'll not be left with the 'what if..'
  12. Bugging me today is my moms need to have a strong oppinion on my friends relationship. Getting really intense about what she needs to do and whatnot. And telling me, just because I should tell my friend therse things. You don't see the whole picture, mom. You don't know everything. Most importantly: it's none of your busines, and you are draining my energy by droning on about this! There!! (Yes, I know, I should tell her that. But that just leads to more ranting, no winning)
  13. A I am mother to a wonderfull 8 year old little girl. There is nothing that gives me more joy, and she is the only thing I feel real pride in. I work very hard to keep my depression and anxiety away from her, to not make decisions regarding her be tainted by it. So I grit my teeth and go to the sosial gatherings, meetings, playdates ect. I get up, we do positive and fun activities, and her friends are always welcome here. But there have been times (because it was for a long time just us) where I haven't been good enough at hiding. And now I am noticing the results. I am having one of my not so good periods lately, where I tend to want quiet and little activity around me. I don't have the initiative and patience I usually muster. And instead of rebelling a bit, complaining or asking for more... She understands. She puts her needs aside because I am not able to deal with them. This hurts me so much to see... And she'll say comforting things like 'You are the best mom, don't be stressed' 'I don't mind that we didn't do what we planned today, we'll do it another day' This is a feeling of responsebility I -never- wanted her to feel. I tell her, openly, that I am having a difficult time...but that it is nothing she has done, contributed to, or can fix. And that it will be ok. I am so scared of ruining her childhood and making her grow up to fast. My issues 'rubbing off' on her in the prossess. I try so hard, now I am seeing that it is not enough. It breaks my heart.
  14. Reposted in proper sub forum
  15. I know what you mean, and you find the trolls everywhere. The most toxic and hatefull online community I was ever part of was a baby forum. It was supposed to be about everything from trying to get pregnat to kids in school...moms and dads suppurting eachother and sharing their stories. It was instead all about shaming and majority rules...what was in one day was out the next. They would openly make fun of someone in the 'wrong', even make seperate posts about them to make sure everyone knew. I have no idea why people do this to eachother and keep feeding the trolls. I left before anyone even knew I was there, reading a few posts was more than enough. And I think that is all you can do, leave the tixidity behind, and let them fester with eachother.
  16. The loss of sexdrive when on some antidepressants are well known, but sometimes the loss of sexdrive is not related to the medication but to the depression and state of mind. Also frustration and stress over wanting to have sexdrive and please a partner can make it difficult to actually have it. Easing into it in a relaxed way, and agreeing with your partner to let cuddeling be only cuddles until you take initiative. It's tricky to want to manage for someone else more than for your self, wich is often the case. If this is purely medical, and you were fine untill meds, and now you just don't 'work' I would talk to your doctor before upping your dose. Maybe the meds are not the right ones for you, or a higher dose might not be recomended you...I have no way of knowing that.
  17. Thank you, womanofthelight. I keep forgetting the now, because there is so much talk of the future and arranging things. It seems impossible to get it all done, and then for it all to actually work. I will take your advice to heart and make myself a list, a short one, for a day at the time. I have only one for tomorrow, something I have been talking myself into skipping because with everything else it felt like to much. You rewinded me a bit by reminding me it's not all happening tomorrow anyway. *deep breaths*
  18. I can recognize myself in all that you are saying, the longing for someone and the need for something more fulfilling. A real relationship. I spent many years of my adult life thinking it would never be for me, I had actually started accepting it. And it was, like lonesoul says, while doing something I am passionate about I finally met someone. Because in that I was confident and sure, and most importantly relaxed. I think that is also when you are most open to letting someone in. At least for me, I feel out of place easily...and then I am not actually showing who I am. I end up putting forward a warped version of myself, even though I am pleasant and think I am beeing open, I have actually been rather guarded and unaproacable. Letting go, and beeing yourself is key. I also feel like not looking for someone activly made me less needy and awkward. Now, I don't know you, so that might not apply to you at all. But I wanted to share, in case it might help in any way :) And saying it isn't that great can't have been said by someone who really loved and was loved in return, because it is amazing. And you deserve that. It is a human need to feel that. Don't give up on it.
  19. Thank you for your answer :) I am in therapy, and I am currently medicated. Both of the methods of handeling my illness have a positive effect, no doubt. It has been a lifelong struggle, and I am not yet at a place where shame and selfhatred is something I am managing to keep at bay. Although I am on the right path, I'm sure. Part of why I am beginning to believe that I can manage is the acceptance I have recieved from my boyfriend, as this is the first time I have been open and honest all along. I put it all out there in the very beginning, and we have dealt with my times of doubt, anxiety andj depression since then, together. We were living together up untill two months ago, when we had to live apart again because of work (there was none here). He is now living where he is from, and this time I will move to him. But it is going to take time. And here, alone again, theese feelings are much harder to handle and to keep away. It's also much harder to spend the short time we have together each evening on Skype filled with my negative feelings. If that is all it's going to be about, then I feel it will strain a difficult situation even further. I have brought it up, we have talked about it...I cried, he understood, he validates me. And not only once. I wan't to not feel so lost and needy, but I am simply not managing. To the point where I am having panic attacs again, and my day to day life is starting to suffer. Having something to lose makes it so much worse. Mixed in is the fear of moving, losing my network and family nearby. Only beeing able to lean on him, something he says he can handle...but I am not confident he understands what the reality of that looks like. If I move there, and it gets to much for him I'll have nothing. To keep it simple I am scared to stay and scared to go, and it is overwhelming.
  20. I have no idea where to start. So in this case I'll start with where I am at instead of how I got here. I am, for the first time in my life, in a healthy relationship. Meaning there is openness, honesty and acceptance. My boyfriend loves me, wants me and needs me. He cares about what I want and shares my interests...I can go on about how great it is, but I'm sure you get the picture. So why am I not happy? I can't seem to emotionally accept theese things as truth even tho I rationally do. I constantly worry and feel like I am not good enough, and all I am doing is waiting for him to realise. For a point of dealing with me and this exact continous doubt will reach its limit. That it will finally just tire him out. And I would understand it. That's the thing, I am so tired of myself and my reactions to all sorts of situations. But I am stuck with me, he is not...at least he doesn't have to be. So why would he? My brain just won't wrap itself around it no matter what he says. I have started to keep it to myself, to hide theese overwhelming emotions...as I fear constantly repeating myself, never accepting his answer and doubting myself as well as him at every turn, will only be making this into a self fulfilling profecy. So that is why I signed up here tonight, to be able to say it somwhere, to someone. -M
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