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Maluhalu

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About Maluhalu

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  1. I am glad you have found your way out of something that was all wrong for you! I feel like we had oposite takes on our ways out, so I figured I'd share. I grew up in a christian family, Lutheran. My grandparents were the driving force behind our family values. And it was so beautifull to me. They were such good, accepting people. God was love, jesus was love. The bible stories were inspirational, the songs so uplifting... I had a God that saw me and cared, and that gave me a support and sureness that was so good. It was also the part of my life was stable and kept me up through all the things that should not be happening in a childs life. Religion was one of the few things I didn't feel was forced upon me... But as I grew older it got harder and harder to not see the backside and the flaws in religion. Logicly it just wasn't making sense anymore, not to me. I felt I had been lied to, only shown what they had wanted me to see...all my security became false. One day I gave up trying to pretend, I knew it was lost to me. I didn't feel it...not anymore. For a long time I was heartbroken, I think greiving even. I tried sometimes to let go of all I knew, just to feel the way I did as a child again, but it wasn't happening. It just made me feel worse when I was already down. And it was holding me back from finding a solution in myself. Today I have let go, but the 'breakup' will always sting a little when i think of it. Things like what you had to endure is part of what opened my eyes, so I am glad for it.
  2. Hey, Llama :} I am rather new myself, and I find almost as much comfort that I can come here and share as I do in actually sharing. For me the affect my depression and anxieties have on my suroundings is the toughest to handle, so I can recognise myself in what you said. Here I can be openly frustrated about those things, and be understood. Hopefully I can give that feeling of support back to the comunity as well, and help someone else also feel less alone. Welcome!!
  3. It is never easy beeing sure that a relationship is going to work out, even when someone says the words it is scary. I can truly understand not daring to jump in. And comming back this summer and seeing how it goes was not a bad strategy, one step at the time is fine. i think the issue here is that if you are trying to make something happen with someone new, someone you feel you love, that fiance should be out of the picture regardless. Keeping him as a back up is not fair to him. He deserves you to let him find someone who wants only him. I don't mean to be harsh, but you should let him go no matter the outcome. Maybe you beeing engaged was something holding the new guy back from expressing his feelings properly all this time? I personally would not have layed my feelings bare to someone who had promised themselves to someone else without beeing sure that was a thing of the past. Ofc, that is what I would have felt, I don't know the guy, he might not be good at opening up in any case...or something else might be the reason. In any case, I would brake it off with the fiance before reaching out again. No matter if that works out or not. It might be what he need to hear.
  4. Thank you! Gonna take some time, but we are getting there ?
  5. Today my boyfriend won the bid on the house we want! :D
  6. You are very young, and you have been in a relationship with this guy for 3 years. People change ALL through their lives, but the time between teen and adult is often the time where most changes. Unfortunatly beeing with someone going through depression is hard, and it takes someone strong and dedicated. It sounds like this guy of yours is not that person in your life. The way he speaks to you and his general attitude isn't saying anything that makes me think you should fight for him. Even if he gives in and gives you a chance, I don't think he will be there for you in the way you deserve or need. Have you thought through your feelings for him? Do you really love him anymore? -Him-, not the history of you together, or not beeing alone? Him, for who he is now. After so long apart, do you actually really know him anymore? It is really hard to analyze your own feelings like that, more so when everything feels like it is falling apart. It might feel like beeing alone is worse than anything. But alone is better than beeing with someone who doesn't care for or support you. Having said that, you are -not- truly alone. You have started by reaching out here, and we are many going through depression and the like. We are here for you. Reach out in real life as well. It is a barrier, but talking to someone. ex: therapist, group counceling, etc (i don't know if schools there have someone as well) can help. It has helped me and many others. I am so sorry you don't have the proper support from your family through all of this. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me *hugs*
  7. Went to see Suicide Squad last night, the song 'Gangster' is stuck in my brain :P I am actually listening to the album 'Aurora - All My Demons Greeting Me as a Friend' <3
  8. Me and my two best friends getting together and eating all the home made sushi we could manage. So good, and we had so much fun in eachothers company. Been a while apart. Good day ?
  9. I just finished Stranger Things, I loved it. So worth the watch, I need more...
  10. This is heartbreaking and beautifull. Thank you for sharing.
  11. If you put yourself in his shoes... You say you have been talking about you coming back, how he made sure everything was ready for you. All his thought on your reuninon, you'll finally get to be together again. Just the two of you. And as it is for sure -you- want this, because that is what you have said all this time. Then there you are, ring still on your finger. How is that going to make him feel. You are not free, clearly not there to be his. You still belong to someone else. Could it be he is in love with you and thought everything you talked of leading to you coming back was a start of something real between you? That you not breaking the engagement was quite a blow? Ofc, I could be wrong. But I just find it helpfull to turn the view around when I wonder 'why' when others react as they do. Just to consider what went wrong/how I feel when I don't get lost in my own experience of the situation. If my uneducated guess has any truth you could maybe turn things around by letting your fiance go and apologizing to the guy you love. Maybe it won't fix anything, but if you truly want to be with him it deserves you going all inn, win or lose. If he is still done, then you ofc have to accept that, but at least you'll not be left with the 'what if..'
  12. Bugging me today is my moms need to have a strong oppinion on my friends relationship. Getting really intense about what she needs to do and whatnot. And telling me, just because I should tell my friend therse things. You don't see the whole picture, mom. You don't know everything. Most importantly: it's none of your busines, and you are draining my energy by droning on about this! There!! (Yes, I know, I should tell her that. But that just leads to more ranting, no winning)
  13. A I am mother to a wonderfull 8 year old little girl. There is nothing that gives me more joy, and she is the only thing I feel real pride in. I work very hard to keep my depression and anxiety away from her, to not make decisions regarding her be tainted by it. So I grit my teeth and go to the sosial gatherings, meetings, playdates ect. I get up, we do positive and fun activities, and her friends are always welcome here. But there have been times (because it was for a long time just us) where I haven't been good enough at hiding. And now I am noticing the results. I am having one of my not so good periods lately, where I tend to want quiet and little activity around me. I don't have the initiative and patience I usually muster. And instead of rebelling a bit, complaining or asking for more... She understands. She puts her needs aside because I am not able to deal with them. This hurts me so much to see... And she'll say comforting things like 'You are the best mom, don't be stressed' 'I don't mind that we didn't do what we planned today, we'll do it another day' This is a feeling of responsebility I -never- wanted her to feel. I tell her, openly, that I am having a difficult time...but that it is nothing she has done, contributed to, or can fix. And that it will be ok. I am so scared of ruining her childhood and making her grow up to fast. My issues 'rubbing off' on her in the prossess. I try so hard, now I am seeing that it is not enough. It breaks my heart.
  14. Reposted in proper sub forum
  15. I know what you mean, and you find the trolls everywhere. The most toxic and hatefull online community I was ever part of was a baby forum. It was supposed to be about everything from trying to get pregnat to kids in school...moms and dads suppurting eachother and sharing their stories. It was instead all about shaming and majority rules...what was in one day was out the next. They would openly make fun of someone in the 'wrong', even make seperate posts about them to make sure everyone knew. I have no idea why people do this to eachother and keep feeding the trolls. I left before anyone even knew I was there, reading a few posts was more than enough. And I think that is all you can do, leave the tixidity behind, and let them fester with eachother.
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