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  1. I'm sorry you're struggling @posie_riot I feel for you. To me this seems like a self destructive behaviour. Like you're trying to sabotage yourself. It's strange because I could say why dwell on something that hasn't happened and may not ever happen...but then look at all of us, that is the fundamental problem. We are dwelling on something that won't ever happen. Making up scenarios to make ourselves happier in our life. I'm sorry I can't be any help....I'm struggling to see out of the hole I'm in myself.
  2. 1) Hell yeah I would have loved to have met my current CO. Ideal circumstances...hmmm...I've played out many different meetings in my head. I guess realistically I would have loved to have met him, maybe bumped into him somewhere a little quiet like a bar, or somewhere where it was socially acceptable to approach him for a chat. Had a good ol' fashioned chin wag (conversation for our American friends) with him and picked his brain about his career. I know for a fact he did this many times with fans. So I guess being privileged enough to spend time shooting the breeze with him would have been such a special moment. My unrealistic meeting would be me being a famous myself and him expressing interest in working with me. Again, to see him in his working in his "natural" environment would have been inspiring and such a learning curve. 2) The realistic meeting would be as above....unrealistic...I'd screw his brains out.
  3. That's interesting @posie_riot I remember my mum talking to herself a lot when I was growing up. I'd walk in the room and she'd be talking to an imaginary person about whatever problem she was having at the time (my mums a drama queen so there has always been some sort of drama going on in her life at any given moment) and with real passion. I've very occasionally still catch her doing it if she doesn't hear me come to visit....its rare but it does still happen. My husband on occasion has caught me talking to myself, luckily not to my fantasy life with my CO's, and has laughed at me when he has caught me...making me feel really embarrassed. However, in more recent years, I've began to catch him doing it!! I was going to ask you if it was a learned behaviour posie_riot, or if it is something you have developed off your own back. Mine was definitely learned from my mother and adapted for my CO's. Actually, that question goes out to everyone who does this. I can't tell you how comforting it is to know I'm not the only one who does this. I honest thought I needed sectioning...maybe I still do, but to know I'm not alone in this, for me personally, is a huge thing. So thank you guys for sharing this, it wasn't easy for me to admit it, but I'm glad I did, and feel you are all so brave for admitting it. Well done guys!
  4. Welcome @SophieViolet95 You're not alone in this...I'm a nutter right with you for this. Like @Audrey822, I'm alone during the day so talk loud, no need to mime. In fact, a lot of what you've said is very similar to me. Though I add bad habits from my current CO. So with my current one I've started smoking. I hate that! He makes it look so cool....and thats so stupid eh! I was interested in @Truenorth71 comments. Interesting about being married and having unruly obsessions over other people. It makes sense what you said...but couldn't be farther from the truth for me. My husband is my world. I adore him. As cheesy as it sounds, he IS my King. He is my best friend who I can tell everything to (well apart from the more nutty things I'm embarrassed to even admit on here!). Sometimes with my obsessions I incorporate my husband, depending on the situation and what mood I'm in lol. He doesn't know that...though I'm sure it would make him feel better about my condition. I guess what I'm trying to say is, fantasy tends to be all in the mind. Regardless of your situations in reality. It's difficult to explain whats going on in your head. But I certainly do feel fulfilled in my marriage with my husband, and I hope that feeling doesn't stop. I guess, against my better judgement, I feel like I'm having an affair of some sort...which hubby knows about, and while annoyed by my obsession, accepts it's what I'm going through. I'm struggling to accept that "confession" because I am someone who despises people who commit adultery and believe it to be a cowardly act. I'm probably not explaining myself well at all...but it makes perfect sense in my head. I just can't explain.
  5. I'm married and my CO is married....well....he would be if he wasn't...ya know...dead n all. Any of my previous CO's who have been married and in relationships hasn't really bothered me....not in my adult life, in my teenage years it did and I would venomously curse them and want them dead as a dodo, but not so much now. I usually completely ignore their existence. However, my current CO's OH I find myself feeling concerned and worried about, and their family members, kids, siblings etc. I haven't obsessed about dead people before (to this level anyway) so this is all new to me. Sure there is a side of me that is jealous, but at the moment it's not an issue for me. I hope that answers your question. You're making sense Audrey, I just am really sorry I don't know what to say. The only thing I can relate it to is when you are on a message board (such as this one) and you butt heads with someone. So you block them, but the settings don't allow for them to be completely blocked, so you see that they have posted and it gives you the option of viewing what they've posted. I ALWAYS click to read what they've said...even if its something horrible, and I know they've written it in response to something I've written, trying to belittle me. I just can't help myself but click to view what they've said. Ultimately making me feel like utter rubbish and regret clicking to see what they put. It reminds me of the traffic slowing down at a road traffic accident, even if they road has been cleared, you can see the paramedics working at the side of the road, you have to look. Yet what you might see may scar you for life, something you will never be able to "unsee". Why do we do this to ourselves!?!?!
  6. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who does this! I do exactly the same!! Though I've never seen it as an AE for myself. It makes me wonder if I was needing to be locked up...but you've really bought me some relief sharing it. Thank you so much @Audrey822
  7. I feel like s**t today. Pushed myself to clean out and water change one of our fish tanks...listening to my CO's music...I think I could have filled the tank back up with tears. God sake! I feel so pathetic. I just miss him. It's also driven me to smoke more....which I HATE about myself and if my husband knew he'd be so disappointed in me. I hate this.
  8. Amen to that! I have thought that exact thing numerous times over the last few days!!! But my depression is making me very reluctant to do anything constructive. Though today I have picked up my guitar and played music...granted learning songs of my CO but still...it made me feel good and happy. Also....I left the house on my own! Without hubby (he was at work), though my reason for going wasn't exactly good...I went to get fags (I'm supposed to have quit!), but still!!! I went out the house! The sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky, the weather was really beautiful. It was a very positive experience. I refuse to let my anxiety take hold of me. @CrackedNut I'm so glad you feel a bit better for voicing your obsession. And I'm glad you are doing something, trying the supplements. I can understand your reasonings for not wanting to take a/d or a/a for your symptoms, and I really hope it helps. I would be interested to hear how you get on with them. But if you find yourself feeling low, please remember we're here. @Audrey822 Every time you talk about your CO it makes me more and more curious as to who it is, please don't see that as an pester to tell, I wouldn't ever want you to feel pushed into it or uncomfortable. You speak so beautifully about him, I think that's why my curiosity is high...also whats AE mean?
  9. Welcome @CrackedNut I know how you feel. All I can really offer at this point, if you haven't already, is to go to your GP and look at getting help. A few posts back, I commented how I was too embarrassed to bring up my obsession with me CO at my upcoming appointment. But I forced myself to, he was very supportive about it actually, which really surprised me. I thought he'd give me dodgy looks. It's humiliating enough to admit that you think you're suffering from depression, but to add to it a unhealthy obsession. It's not easy to talk about it to people. But my doctor, as I say, was supportive and didn't batter an eyelid. Didn't make me feel like I needed to be sent away there and then. He even asked me who it was over and when I told him he smiled and said "He's cool!" and made a friendly joke which we both laughed at. Coming out of the appointment I felt a huge weight lifted, and felt like I could get on top of this. You can too. Admitting it out loud (or on a forum such as this) is the first step. Well done
  10. It's been the last few days, but I haven't been out of the house on my own for a couple of weeks (as I was really ill with stomach flu last week and in bed all week). Yes I have told him, and on Monday I am going to go out with my sister and Dad to see how I feel. I'm not happy about it.
  11. Thanks @Audrey822 I really miss him, but watching the home movies of holidays and happy times yesterday really helped. I understand your worry for your CO, especially with all the amazing people who have passed this year. One thing I wish I could take back with my CO is to have been able to cherish him, almost, the way I do now when he was living. That's something I regret and will never have. So embrace the fact that your CO is still here and you are able to appreciate and love him while he lives. I'm kicking myself over mine! Seriously! So, I guess what I'm saying is, don't waste your energy worrying about when his time might end, continue to look forward to the new pictures, music, interviews etc. Enjoy it. As for writing stories, my CO has driven me to do exactly the same! I had never done it before with anyone else, but felt compelled to give it a go with this CO. However, with the one I'm currently writing, I've had to stop, I was concerned my issues would become much worse if I continued. So I've not written anything for about 2 weeks, maybe more. I almost feel scared to continue it too! That if I do, it will send me deeper into the abyss!! On another note, I have noticed another problem....I'm not keen to leave the house. Unless I'm with my husband. I have never experienced this before. The other thing....I feel scared to do anything without his help, instruction or permission (My husband is in no way controlling, if he was then you might understand my nervousness over such things, but he is so laid back he's horizontal). For example, we have a fish tank (we have a few but one in particular I noticed a problem with last night), the goldfish were gasping at the surface, a sign of lack of oxygen in the water. Hubby was out walking the dogs at the time, so I text him to ask if he would help me check the pump when he got back. All I needed to do was stick my hand in the tank at the pump outlet to see if water was passing through...but I didn't feel I could do it without him being there. WT* is wrong with me!!!!
  12. Hey guys, I was recently put back on Citalopram (two days ago) for depression (relating to obsessive tendencies, amongst other things) after coming off it a few months back for depression over grieving, but wanted to ask for advice. My husband and I have been talking about starting a family for a few years (which I have anxieties over...being pregnant and giving birth etc), but am working on. I think one of the reasons I came off was because I tried so hard to get myself to a place to be "well" so I could work on my anxieties on pregnancy and look to start a family. Obviously my brain wasn't done with the a/d and I worry about being on it when I think about the subject of starting a family. Is it ok to get pregnant and be on a/d? More so, is it the right thing to do for a child you carry? Surely with modern medicines there must be women who become pregnant while taking a/d. There is a big part of me that feels, while having kids wouldn't cure me or make all my problems disappear (I'm not that deluded), I feel the time is right and I want to do it and want to give love to a child. I guess the ultimate question is, with my situation, being on a/d, is it fair on the child?
  13. Come join us on the other thread, we know some of what you're going through, everybody's obsession may vary slightly, but we will understand, won't judge, and help support you. Well done for being brave enough to post it.
  14. Hey @Khsjeh, Might be worth you joining in on the thread below, we're dealing with similar issues. I'm new to this place too and admitting the issue to others who know, even some of, what I'm going through is such a relief. You've done the hard part, admitting it to yourself and saying it out loud (well on a forum).
  15. @Audrey822 Yes I remember hearing about Maurice, I'm so sorry you felt his loss so deeply. They were an important musical group. I love, and always have loved "September", and so many others of theirs. This year has sucked big time. It makes me fear to wake up in the morning to see what's going to happen next. This afternoon I am managing to distract myself with old family video's of holidays with my Grandad (who's death triggered my first bought of depression back in 2014), a little tearful but really comforting to watch.
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