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SailingSoul

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Everything posted by SailingSoul

  1. I feel like with my health issues. I have a death sentence. I feel i wont live long anyway. I know i have melanoma..just waiting to be diagnosed. Im afraid to leave my children motherless.
  2. Now, Im certain my life has just plateau'd . ive found black spots popping up on my hands and feet. The borders knotched and theyre changing colors. Im sure its melanoma. Then theres 2 large brown patches on my back. Also after my colp no one called me back.. Think ill go to another hospital but then i just feel like why bother? I have an appt with my general dr abt the spots im sure are melanoma monday. Now, general problems. My 14yr old bro with asperbergers hit my baby twice. My mom scolded me and told me i have 30 days to move for defending my baby when my brother told me to get over him hitting the baby and swid hed drop her on the ground( no i didnt hit him i told him id call the police) i checked pub housing sec 8 theres nothing available. I cant really work bc this incident happened while i was working. My dad ignores me and insults me though he sneakily told my mom abt everything My aunt visited and told me abt my cousin's thriving businesses..yet im a loser with 2 kids and at home. Its 2a both kids are screaming. More than anything i just wish i had abortions instead, i wish I was in the surfside landslide. I wish Id stop waking up. With my health issues that'll be soon. I feel my death wpuld be the highlight of my life. I feel with me out of the picture..my parents can care for my kidsw/o resentment. God i hate myselr. I deserve death.
  3. Damn im sorry. I was about to post again but i font want to make anyone cry. Just hate my life sucks.
  4. Inlcuding your own parents. Crazy but true.
  5. Uhhhhgggg. Back again. Im really frustrated after getting info on a school program/lpn program.. I just dont see how id be able to fo to school damn near full time and then do clinicals. Then i basically have a part-time job but its 8hrs 3 days a week. After staying up till 6a with both kids. I just dont see how i cwn do this either. I feel stuck. Hopeless. Stupid for having carless sex Then the anxiety of cervicql cancer looms over my head. I have an appt the 9th of June. Im already showing symptoms I have no one to talk to at all. I just feel like im invisible. No one aske me how i am. Just swy do this do that. Disrespect.
  6. I just feel depressed that my self esteem is low as shxt and it shows through my actions. 1 kid was fine but 2 when my child is barely a year makes me feel like the queen of whores--I feel I'll never make a good decision not in regards to love anyway and It'd be better for me to be single --I just feel so much shame having 2 kids with different dads and he dads are shit. Granted the 1st I saw his was BS a mile away and cut him off instantly--the second he seemed like a nice guy until it he showed his truer colors( a drunken sob). I had zero relationship experience so in an attempt to gain and experience I just went about things the wrong way. Anyway, all of it my fault--I just feel regret. Just makes me depressed I feel like a whore having 2 kids by different men, depressed i'll have to deal with my bf soon to be ex forever. Just feel like a bird brained retard.
  7. Im considering breaking up with my bf--well not considering but set on it. I just feel so stupid bc I was wow'd at first bc he treated me alright in the beginning but now I realize that's just bare minimum and again for someone who hasnt gotten that from their own dad it just seemed like a lot.. but this is what I'm dealing with > He's 39 still at home (He's left home before but it was always with a girlfriend/female he moved in with or friend--he's never owned an apt alone) > 39 and needs a cosigner for a car > I have a car so I'm always going to see him (I'm pregnant ) and I wait by his mailbox bc his mom is funny about having stranger's inside. He's never talked to his mom about introducing me and when I brought it up he just forget or doesn't do anything further. > With his stimulus instead of getting items for his child on the way he divides it up between his parents > The only thing his mom said about me is that Im taking her help away bc he does a lot around her house. When he tried to show her the ultrasound of the baby she didn't look at it.. > Bc of his legal trouble he can't get a place of his own and he doesn't know where his credit score is at... I feel like I chose not only a mama's boy but a dumb man as well. I hate Im having his child bc he's so shiftless-- he smokes n drinks..Lord. Im glad I signed tubal ligation papers. Im just beating myself up bc Im just not reaping in benefits from this relationship he;s reaping them from me I feel. I feel like having a shitty father coupled with lack of social experiences I was just ill equipped--I dont ant to date ever again but looking at relationship videos show me where I went wrong each time. Man I feel stupid.
  8. Right. sadly I dont but my mom was really nice today and bought clothes for the baby so that's a plus.
  9. Shes very lucky she has friends atleast. I feel I can't really open up to my bf/ child's father and I honestly feel like i just can't share my feelings with him. Also he'll be working so that means I'll have the babywhile he works. Im trying to find counselling its just hard bc I only have 1 car and everyone uses it. By the time I have my own car the baby will be here and I won't have time for therapy or anything. I don't have anyone that would watch my kids for an hr or 2 so i can have time for myself--so I don't know how this will work. i thought about adoption alot bc i know i don't have much help from familt but the dad is involved so he wants her. I think Im gonna let him get a bassinet for the baby and keep it at his place and on his days off he can watch her bc I need a break too dammit. opposed at first bc his house is a fixer upper but not too bad but I think i just need to let him do it so he can see how it's like first hand to be a parent. He can't if Im always trying to shield him. SO on his 3 off days he'll keep her I guess. I do hope his mom helps.
  10. even now-- i dont remember the last time i showered. no one will hold my child so i could shower at the very least geez. just feel i deserve this bc i had kids out of wedlock-- didnt vet properly, idk this is totally my fault.
  11. Having my 2nd kid, still at my moms, dad calls me names, Idk my mom snaps occasionally and Im like Im so pregnant and Its like everyone around me is moody or allowed to be moody but me. I feel like I've endured alot during this pregnancy and bc of that Im not really looking fwd to my 2nd kid. Mainly bc im just not getting the support I need from family I just can't imagine 2 and them watching me or letting me struggle. I just feel depressed. I feel regretful and wish I could do adoption but the dad wants the baby and most days I regret telling him bc hehas legal issues, drug trafficking , still at home despite being 10yrs older. I just hate BC failed me. God. I feel my pregancy plus quarantine brought out the worst in my parents bc I don't remember them being this bad. All this feels like a bad dream that I wish I could wake up from. Just wasnt treated kindle during my pregnancies this was the worst though.I feel depressed but can't show it in my house. I want to leave but feel I can't-- son's health issues stopped me, losing my job.. all of that. I feel I keep getting my wings clipped at every turn Just want to sob. My dad is coming home and he ignors me daily... Idk the fact that I haven't drowned in ppd is a miracle. That's another thing I'm afriad of--My mental health is going to tank so bad. I want to give up. Just accept what people tell me. accept this...just give up.. I dont care anymore.
  12. I feel we have the same mom. My dad is also an asshole. Throw a baby in the mix and its officially my life.
  13. I hope so--I just feel I ****ed him over because I am a silent carrier of Alpha Thalassemia which is a type of anemia and My grandma passed from Leukemia. The blood cancer center called twice today on a sunday-- i feel it'll be what Im afraid of. I want my son to be okay bc I can't live without him.
  14. Bc hes so young. I dont want him to ofc but he's only 1.
  15. My mother makes it worse. I told her 3 times yesterday I was going to go Friday instead of Saturday-- Now today she pitches a fit bc she says, " Oh no you'll just have to wait!" Your dad's back appointment is Friday and if he keeps missing it he won't be able to settle. My dad tells me well you'll just have to drive out there. In my head Im like why do you keep asking me to do things you've never taught me how to do. My own brother had to have his aunt teach him bc my sorry ass parents wouldn't so im not comfortable driving. Im just apalled at my mom-- more and more each day she shows how much I can't trust her. She never apologizes-- she just told me to make cornbread for this thanksgiving..
  16. Idk this is a lot to deaal with. I just want to be alone
  17. (So i found out i was pregnant again on the 13th. I was using contraceptives with my ex so i guess it was one of those things. The day my nurse told me i conceived I remembered taking conteceptives so when I knew I was pregnant I got back with my ex..Anywho to the question..) my bf is a good man he works hard, loves his mother he takes care of her and pays her bills BUT-- he smokes cigars and weed and drinks occasionally. Well no let me stop. It can be alot. Before people say you have bad taste in men, I liked the man he presented to me. He hid his habits so I just saw a hardworking sweet man that doted on me. What he presented to me. Now i know abt him selling and having an ankle bracelet. Hes a sweet guy but i worry. Like i wonder if our baby will get taken bc of that? Bc of his habits. It just worries me. I also didnt feel like keeping the baby from him bc my oldest sons dad went to jail for dui and i felt he was unfit so I kept the baby a secret. I felt wrong doing it again when at the very least he's a decent guy. What should i have done. Did I do the right thing? I worry alot about the baby. I think about adoption alot but he kniws abt the baby and would fight like hell bc thats his baby and his first. i feel i need a counselor at this point bc this coupled with my home life is driving me insane idk what the right thing to do is.
  18. So yesterday was my babys bday. He turns 1... My dickhead sperm donor decides to ignore him, the baby. I dont give a shit abt myself but ignorinf a baby on his bday is ridiculous. 2. He watched me put up all his decorations, he didnt help ..he helped his fat ass to the cupcakes and cake... But he can pull them all down. All 3. He still talks shxt about me. And brags what hes gonma do with his money from the accident. For once im not depressed... Im just mad as hell. I hate my mother 4 still tolerating this idiot Whwn i help her more than him but she just says.. Oh just ignore it. Im done with my piss poor family. Only my brother is good. Just him.
  19. Im going to do this with my dad. He ignores me daily and my baby on his bday. Among other things ...hes not a good person. I feel no guilt bc he didnt feel any.
  20. My life sucks theres no way around it. Doesn't seem it'll get better. im still biter my parents sabotaged my job, my son is sick i have no friends have my own health issues my dad is an asshole and I get used by my parents. like ill pay for some things and ive yet to get that money back and my acc is dwindling i give my mom my ebt cardd for groceries BUT when they buy food for the family Im always left out... but my mom always wants me to do things like take my bro to get his hair cut bc my dad is too sorry to do it. So i just escape in my mind when I have downtime, that i have friends, Im travelling on a plane, I have my own place --im engaged and happy. it kinda helps
  21. I cant find a counselor that specializes in ocd. I domt have a job anymore( parents sabatoged me successfully). Im dealing with physical issues too ...chronic uti, heart issuds, hpv ( 16/18) went to 2 health providers that dropped the ball. I have ocd intrusive thoughts... I dont want to get too into them but i cant focus bc my mind is concentrating on not going crazy and not dying from cancer that i dont eat much. My mind isnt well. I feel like a stranger in my own mind.. ( Dad comtinues to watch ID or killer shows that makes my mental health worse) My baby is also sick so i feel i cant flake on him . Cant tell my family my mental atate bc i dont want to worry them... My baby is my responsibility so no one deserves to be watchinh him at night while im drugged up in a hospital... Idk i felt bad at the possibility my bby could grow up without me but im too mental to be a good mom. I feel bad. I also feel God hates me. I wouldnt have so much mental anguish if he didnt. Maybe hed talk to me more ....idk. Feel i wont. Make it Think id rather die from covid. Im useless uhg
  22. I wouldn't imagine anyone wanting an std and yeah I think he'd be angry or scared-- maybe both.
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