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About SailingSoul

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  1. I can tell I'm ****ed up and depressed bc sometimes I can go a week or days without showering despite trying to keep a track record.. bc of work/ depression I just keep missing the mark
  2. I've been craving friends since the beginning of time and no matter what nothing ever seems to pan out. Whether at work or school no one likes me well enough to hang out with me outside the confines thryre actually forced to deal with me. I invite people but they turn me down or give the run around. One girl just used me for my car. I feel like I'm not supposed to have close relationships in this life...like I'm supposed to die alone or something. When my friend texts me to talk about the cruise she and her husband are going on... It just makes me sad 1) that she never hung out with my when I asked months ago 2) I wish I had someone to do that with... I just feel so isolated. Even with family...I don't feel visible. Also I deal with anxiety ... some days are better than others but yesterday was bad... I kinda wanted to cut myself it was so bad. I was afraid I might do something wrong. Anyway... I've been thinking about "it" and many times it seems like a great solution to this cycle... nothing will change except the fact I'll be more lonely in ways I never knew I could be. Offing myself wouldn't matter bc no one cares I'm alive. My job would replace me... I have no social connections keeping me here. I'd off myself now if I knew I wouldn't traumatize my family.... I'm feel I'm gonna do it anyway because I HATE my life. I'm pathetic. I hate being me .,... I honest to God wish I was aborted. I'm definitely not happy to be alive and I think I'll fix this soon.
  3. By that I mean like... Cutting or drinking Bc I hate my life ...being sober just makes me realize how much it sucks. And being sober through my failures ( through I try so hard)makes me feel so hopeless and lowers my moral.
  4. Wow. That's alot to deal with. Please be strong. I hope things look up for you.
  5. SailingSoul

    Cyclical poverty. Issues at every turn

    Difference is your parents made sacrifices for you all .. Mine didn't. I feel they get in the way of me trying to get out school without helping me.
  6. SailingSoul

    Cyclical poverty. Issues at every turn

    I'm getting a trade.
  7. My car broke down. I have to take a taxi everywhere bc my account is in the negative so can't do Uber. So I'm basically wasting my paycheck getting to and from work. I love my job though it's hard... My body hurts... My mom needs money... She always needs rent or something...And I just don't have it like that... I make $8 an hour ... Dad isn't working he works erratically. My only hope is school. So I can end my own poverty. Depression is overwhelming though. I can't save bc of taxi fare and my needy mom. Feel hopeless most days Also the stress of having no friends gets to me. Dealing with alot with no outlet. I want to cry ...but I live in a hotel and everyone is in my face. So I can't. I'm definitely life's underdog so I pray and hope ... I overcome this. I work so hard Trying to stay positive.
  8. SailingSoul

    My family is holding me back

    I'm not going to turn 28 and still be at home. I have alot of drive and mental state is finally where it needs to be for me to achieve all I need to acheive. However my parents keep getting in my way ...so I think I'll just check out. If nothing changes and it's the same mediocre bullshxt. I'm just offing myself. I have drive and passions but they can't be done because of selfish shxtty parents who had their time and lived their lives but want me to mine on hold.
  9. SailingSoul

    My family is holding me back

    My mom keeps saying we have to work together as a family to get anywhere... But I feel like I'm sacrificing the most. I went from 4k to $1.00 in savings and checking... Helping my mom with rent and helping her stay in school. My car that I paid for myself...is used to shuttle everyone around since hers got repossessed. Before then my mom and dad were mad I got my own car bc the money I was putting into my car they wanted me to help pay with rent ...( However my older brother wasnt giving that much..just $50 on lights...yet he got paid more than me. But more was expected from me yet I got payed less ) I got my car bc my mom hated me having her car when she had to go to work...and my dad hated taking me to work when he was doing nothing else...he'd purposely make me late to work sometimes And recently... I got a job ( the cafe) but I had to quit because my moms work schedule and my little brother going to school. So I quit for them... Now..my middle brother is starting to work... And guess who's responsible for taking him to work?. Me. But I had to quit my job before it even started. It's not fair at all. And yes I try to tell my mom how I feel but she gets defensive saying ..family has to work together... ECT and it's better for me to be in school than work these low paying jobs. But when I told her about me going away in January she almost hated it because she needed someone to watch my younger brother. I'm so close to giving up. Because no matter what I do something always gets in the way. All my goals and dreams I'm just going to give up... Because nothing will work out.
  10. SailingSoul

    When is God at work among us?

    I'm a believer I should know better. uhg. its still hard.
  11. SailingSoul

    Idk if my bfs is worth it anymore

    I did but even before I did he'd show me pics of girls...told my friend he liked her.. name calling... And even today...I flew out for him..helped him move ...and he wants to get another girls number. I did it because I didn't feel loved...he didn't show it to me...and now I'm not so sure. I really just want to check out.
  12. SailingSoul

    Idk if my bfs is worth it anymore

    Yeah I should have sold myself high ...I shouldn't have accepted so much disrespect... Just last night he asked why I was so demanding when all I asked was for him to take me out on my birthday and get me a gift.
  13. I used to be grateful for his forgiveness but I feel like he wants me and everyone else... I feel unwanted.. I don't want to be here.
  14. I cheated. I cheated on my bf...we had a very Rocky start and middle....but now it's gotten better. It seems the worst is over.. But I still feel he deserves better than me. He forgave me...even called me a good person but I don't feel like I am. I wish I never did that because the pain you cause is horrendous...and I never wanted to hurt him but I did... We've moved past that... To the point he wants me to move in and sees himsf marrying me ( alot of time has past... A years worth) but I still feel unworthy. Please don't go easy on me because I'm female and don't take my side.... Just need advice. . It literally gives me anxiety.