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SailingSoul

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About SailingSoul

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  1. Thank you for your response and nit sugar coating it. It does suck a lot of ass.. My baby keeps me going bc he's just so adorable. Im gonna try to keep going i guess. And thanks for keeping it real with me. I thank h guys for not getting tired of me.
  2. Im so thankful for this site bc i feel i have no one to talk to. My dad is running back to his truck.....my friends have their own lives... Everything is so aggrevating I juat have to wait for 30 mins juat for everything to be alright. Its sad I have to choose between my sanity or my health. If i start working now it wont be. Agood paying job I wont be able to gwt my biopsy and my hpv will certainly turn into cancer. I juat wish Id die already. I feel no one faces the shyt I face. Im depressed.
  3. anymore. Like tonight, i had broken sleep with my baby...but i had to get up and iron my 12 yr old brothers clothes and take him off to school. Im TIRED AS HELL! I HAVE 2 OTHER ADULT FKN BROTHERS!!! But i always have to do this (( reason why: my brothers are manipulated by my pastor aunt and do everything she wants from cooking to cleaning that they dont have time to help out here. We keep talking but they won't wake up.)) Thrn my mom wants me to do laundry. I want to and im willing...but i need my brothers help for 3 plus loads of laundry and he rarely helps bc hes next door being controlled by my damn aunt. Like after i dropped my mom off at work.. She wanted ne to do a load. It got dark and my brother never came to help but i get the blame. Im only getting 2700 in my refund and my mom wanted 1k but i haggled her down to 600 and i let her use my ebt card 😕 I feel guilty bc my mom does alot ..she did alot for my baby and when i leave shell have to do everything from cooking, pixking up and deopping my brother off.. I feel bad bc my brothers will be absolutely no help. A lot of times i feel i wont make it. If i can just get my own apt for my baby and I thats something. But i have too many expenses..and id need a good job plus another car. Im stuck... I hate things never get better for me it just gets bad then worse. My worst fear is the hpv developing into cancer and i never fully get to live and this shitty cycle continues for my son bc im not able to help him. Stuff like this makes me wish i would just die and not wake up. Each day is just a taunt ..like you could have this but you wont bc your circumstances are against you. Idk i hope that corona virus hits me--so many innocent people die and i just wonder why am i alive? If i could give my life for them I would without hesitation. Theu deserve to live not me. I just dont enjoy living if life never gets better the only thing that happens is it just being dragged out..no Id rather just die. I hate false hope. I just wish Id croak already.
  4. So im out and the Dr said its clearing which im so incredibly happy abt. Hes putting me on one more med.. And after that i see him in a month.
  5. Yeah. I love the Swedes model of universal healthcare. Ill pay higher taxes so I can live. Im paying taxes anyway and I can't see where theyre going as public school systems are still bs
  6. So-- Ive been dealing with a stubborn uti since Nov. I just got a piece of mail and I think my medicaid coverage ended today. Im very worried bc my uti isnt gone yet and Idk who will see me without insurance, Im not working yet but If i don't have medicaid I might as well. I feel some slight pain in my back nd abdomen and Im just always afriad and parnoid I'll end up dying. That it'll turn into a kidney infection and my baby will be without a mom. I feel like a failure. I feel I failed my baby-- I don't want to leave him in my mom and dad's hands. This uti won't leave and im giving up hope.... what's the point in working? what's the point of anything-- I feel I should just spend my last days with my baby. I just hate I have to die here in a ghetto slum of an apt. roaches everywhere its just uhg horrible. If I think too hard abt everything it makes me suicidal-ish.. Idk--I really fked up my life. I also go in for my biopsy soon--Im afraid its already canceroous..and im not sure if I can have a biopsy done with an active uti.. Idk I feel like a dead man and my brothers are annoying me to no end. If I didnt have my baby it'd be easier to die bc then Id have nothing to live for but since I have him I can't leave just yet, I don't want to. Im so mad at myself I just wish I died before I had the chance to fk up my life. I HATE myself.--im beyond stupid.
  7. I have the high risk strands. Found out today. I don't know what to do... Is it possible to fight off the high risk strands?
  8. I have my results in. I have 2 high risk strains of cancer.... The warts came bc of the hormones( pregnancy) Ive been crying since i read that. I have no clue what to do. I feel so bad, which is an understatement, i dont know what to do with my life. I feel horrible for possibly leaving my mom with a son to raise if i dont pull through. Then my son without a mom. Right now i want to spend as much time as possible with him but i dont want to be a burden on my mom and need a place for my baby and me to stay. I just feel stuck right now.
  9. First i want to say my baby is 2 months well he will be by next week. I love him more than anything. I even started planning his 1at birthday like where I want it to be at and stuff.. But looking into the future makes me think of my status having hpv. ( Please don't judge me) But im likely to have hpv in 3 places; and afraid of having cancer of the throat, cervical cancer and rectal cancer... And during my pregnancy they said they could see genital warts.. However now after my 6 week post partum check they didnt see anything.. I just get depressed thinking I could die a year or 2 from now. I get depressed bc i want to see my son grow. I wanted to change my life and live on my own. All my life Ive been in hotels or 1 bedroom apartments with 6 people(family) sharing a space... Id just hate to die in my situation never having a place of my own. Thinking of it now makes me wsnt to cry.. Especially as Im waiting on my nurse practioner to tell me if my recent pap was normal or not....and even if it isnt. I need to be tested in the remaining areas. Idk i feel sad. I love my baby and don't want to leave him anytime soon. Then my parents are old if anythinf happened to me... I just dont know what would happen to him.
  10. happy, calm, blocks anxious thoughts? I just feel a bit down because Im going to have my baby soon and I just feel alone. I don't have real friends I can hang out with and enjoy-- the loneliness is hard to cope with and it'll get worse when my baby gets here. I know.
  11. Thanks you guys. You're all so supportive. I really need a place like this where i can just unload. Its such a blessing.
  12. Im just reaching a boiling point. Im 39 weeks pregnant and I feel I do more than my brother. He has no job, license, just eats everything. So i basically pick up and drop everyone off at work. Dropped my bro off at midnight. Picked my mom up at 6a. Walked the dogs...then took my little bro to school...all while my middle bro slept on the couch. I asked him to clean the kitchen all yesterday and he didnt do it. Roll over to today..asked him to clean before he left to help my granmda move...ofc it didnt get done.( honestly he was supposed to go yesterday but he didnt because he just slept all day smh) I tell my mom and she bitches saying you dont clean..and it has to be done regardless. All this does is enable my damn brother bc someone is always gonna clean up my brother's messes and do for him what should be done. But let it be me thats just laying around she would threaten me and scream her head off.. Im close to resenting my mom honestly. Im trying my hardest not to scream at her. Another thing. My mom knows im abt to have a small child soon. So were swapping with the car.. Im taking over the car note and shes doing the insurance.. Car note is 558. Insurance is 250. The note is too much... Plus me paying my granmda childcare 400 a month.. Ill only save 600ish and then i have to count misc. Items me and my son will need. I just dont feel like any of this is fair. Im trying to get out of this situation with my sanity in tact but i feel i almost have to die to get out of this Bullshxt situation. So annoying!
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