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SailingSoul

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  1. I wouldn't imagine anyone wanting an std and yeah I think he'd be angry or scared-- maybe both.
  2. He has his own baggage but it's nothing compared to mine. But he loves my baby and he loves me...he tells me he loves me for me and loves me more than I know. I just feel my hpv ( not as innocuous as pll think. I have cancer causing strands) will be a make or break thing. I love him so much I just don't want to lose him.
  3. Like my baby for example, I have hpv( the aggressive cancer causing strands) Though he's a blessing I feel I won't see him grow up.( I went for a biopsy to get it staged and the incompetent workers at the hospital said the tissue they took didn't make it to be tested. So they used my results from a YEAR ago and went with that though they have no clue what stage I'm at now. I feel that part is so incredibly negligent. They want to try and biopsy again in 6 months-- I could have cancer by then ( I decided to go elsewhere) Then I met a lovely guy. He's sweet and kind, buys me lunch, loves my baby and accepts him. I've been looking for a guy like this since HS.. Now that I have hpv.. He won't love me anymore. I saw his reaction to covid and how it spreads and what not. I feel I only get to have a long life if I'm miserable every second of every hour of the day ...but if by some chance I get a sliver of happiness...theres always a catch or it won't. last.
  4. Yeah. I'm able to save a bit now and pay my sitter and save to leave.
  5. Everything in this post is amazing. Its hard for me to be around high quality people Right now. I have to get my degree first. Working in warehouse I'm just around alot of drug users, addicts, gossipers and trouble makers ( not saying they aren't good people ...just not anyone I want to be ) Ive always been alone like I couldnt keep friends or make them for that matter. So I kind of have to be different myself w/o other's .influence.
  6. I'm so disappointed in myself. Though I work 10 hrs a day 4-6 days a week at warehouse. I feel depressed bc I have to take care of my household so I rarely keep money for myself. Its so frustrating to work so hard and keep no money. Esp when my mom takes me and my brothers out to eat when I recently gave her 200 bucks. I just wonder who/ what am so working for? I have a bf now everything was so beautiful until i found out he deals and takes pills. Hes still the sweetest guy ive met and he cares for me more than my own dad and I'm not giving him up. He wants to start a life together I want to but his habits arent something I can ignore but i cant stay with my parents bc I feel im being taken advantage of financially. We recently nvisited my moms friend. My mom kept pointing out how much younger she is than me and how she has a house and btougjt her mom a house... And im like im giving u 200 every week. On a 9.50 an hour salary. Im doing the best i can. Then she told me to get a high chair for my baby and I said I cant bc im giving her everything. And she just rattled on. When I look at my cash app history it drives me up a wall bc the work I do is soooooo hard on my body. My toes and upper left shoulder blade are numb. My dad doesnt work and he has a little savings hes trying to keep for himself. It makes me want to quit my job but I know I'll never go anywhere. My bf is working hard everyday to build a life with me. Us getting out own place. But his issues concern me. But I don't care I just want to move fwd. If this is all life will ever be for me. I dont wsnt to live anymore. I'm already depressed rn.. Im so mad at myself bc of everything thats happening. I could harm myself. Im trying not to but I'm just so mad I probably could off myself. I should be farther than I am but I have alot in my way.
  7. Im genuinely trying to provide a better life for my baby and I but I feel I keep getting blocked. Like I cant move fwd. I try to do what I can to help my mom while I stay here. With the stimulus I gave my mom the whole 500 hundred then 200 from the 1200 and all this in the month of April..she uses my abt card(355 on it) for groceries. I recently had a job. Everything was perfect I went to orientation and was set. I have to uber bc Even though my name is on the car my mom pitched a fit and I cant really use it.( My mom was msde I gave my brother 1k instead of 1300 from my taxes even though I gave her some of my tax money too. I needed to have something left for myself and baby. So that why I cant use it much and thats after I paid the 600 car note.) So back to the job. Id be ubering which was fine. The job paid 9.50 and Id make 1229. Ubering for the whole month would costs 384, id have to pay my grandma 300 and my mom wanted me to pick up a bill. Which was fine... Now fast fwd to today. I was supposed to work today. I told my mom prior,so many times called and texted that to answer the phone when the uber driver comes through the gate. She said ok. Early this morning i called and texted again but couldnt reach her. The uber came. He called my mom she didnt answer. I told him Id walk up to meet him.. He already had an attitude but said hed wait. Its 4:40a and dark and Im in the back of the complex. It take me a minute to get up th3re but I do and hes gone. I couldnt call another bc I would have arrived late to work. And th3 doors lock Idk i feel i try every avenue but I just cant get it. I'm being respectful to my parents, Im looking for work, Idk what else to do. Mind I my dad could have just took my mom to work and he could have dropped me off but thats too much for him to do. He didn't even walk up with me in the dark early morning. He just let me go and whined about how im 30 and I should get myself to and from. y Yet when ever he needed to be picked up from his job I ALWAYS came to pick him up. I tried hard to get a job. Hard to help out. My family got in the way again. I better not hear one person bitch or moan or complain. Bc Itried.yet he always paid an uber for my bro to get to work and hes older than me. Hed urge me to pick him up early in the morning or even go do it himself but some how me walking in the dark at 4a is ok to him ..and even though he wont drive me to my job thats 15 minutes away. He demanded I drop him off at his job thats 40 minytes away and use google map to find my way home.
  8. Still terrible. This crappy quarantine just cloisters me with my parents who aren't helping my situation. Eh.. Yeah my lifr isnt getting better. I hope the corona does me in.
  9. My depression is situational. Im 28 i have a baby and my main goal and dream is to move out and be independent. But im stuck with my parents and they arent making it easy. My mom i feel uses me as a bank. So i got my refund. She asked for 500, another 500 and more and more until I had absolutely nothing.. Then she needed 300 to turn the cable on and I sais ok but i needed it back. Even the the woman over the phone said it was sweet of me to give the mo ney but my mom had a problem of me asking for it back and had an attitude and basically threw the money at me. My dad just made the situation worse saying she doesnt appreciate you and stop letting them walk all over you. My dad then took my accessories off the key of the car my mom and me got and threw it on my bed. My mom basically took over the car. Bc i was working bc of maternity leave my dad accused me of laying up on my mom but before then i always paid the insurance until i couldnt. Even when i was in college with every refund I had i always gave my mom 600 always.
  10. Thank you for your response and nit sugar coating it. It does suck a lot of ass.. My baby keeps me going bc he's just so adorable. Im gonna try to keep going i guess. And thanks for keeping it real with me. I thank h guys for not getting tired of me.
  11. Im so thankful for this site bc i feel i have no one to talk to. My dad is running back to his truck.....my friends have their own lives... Everything is so aggrevating I juat have to wait for 30 mins juat for everything to be alright. Its sad I have to choose between my sanity or my health. If i start working now it wont be. Agood paying job I wont be able to gwt my biopsy and my hpv will certainly turn into cancer. I juat wish Id die already. I feel no one faces the shyt I face. Im depressed.
  12. anymore. Like tonight, i had broken sleep with my baby...but i had to get up and iron my 12 yr old brothers clothes and take him off to school. Im TIRED AS HELL! I HAVE 2 OTHER ADULT FKN BROTHERS!!! But i always have to do this (( reason why: my brothers are manipulated by my pastor aunt and do everything she wants from cooking to cleaning that they dont have time to help out here. We keep talking but they won't wake up.)) Thrn my mom wants me to do laundry. I want to and im willing...but i need my brothers help for 3 plus loads of laundry and he rarely helps bc hes next door being controlled by my damn aunt. Like after i dropped my mom off at work.. She wanted ne to do a load. It got dark and my brother never came to help but i get the blame. Im only getting 2700 in my refund and my mom wanted 1k but i haggled her down to 600 and i let her use my ebt card 😕 I feel guilty bc my mom does alot ..she did alot for my baby and when i leave shell have to do everything from cooking, pixking up and deopping my brother off.. I feel bad bc my brothers will be absolutely no help. A lot of times i feel i wont make it. If i can just get my own apt for my baby and I thats something. But i have too many expenses..and id need a good job plus another car. Im stuck... I hate things never get better for me it just gets bad then worse. My worst fear is the hpv developing into cancer and i never fully get to live and this shitty cycle continues for my son bc im not able to help him. Stuff like this makes me wish i would just die and not wake up. Each day is just a taunt ..like you could have this but you wont bc your circumstances are against you. Idk i hope that corona virus hits me--so many innocent people die and i just wonder why am i alive? If i could give my life for them I would without hesitation. Theu deserve to live not me. I just dont enjoy living if life never gets better the only thing that happens is it just being dragged out..no Id rather just die. I hate false hope. I just wish Id croak already.
  13. So im out and the Dr said its clearing which im so incredibly happy abt. Hes putting me on one more med.. And after that i see him in a month.
  14. Yeah. I love the Swedes model of universal healthcare. Ill pay higher taxes so I can live. Im paying taxes anyway and I can't see where theyre going as public school systems are still bs
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