First I want to say- i completed my program, in 3 more days Ill be an orthodontic assistant. After that I think ill either pursue Hygeine or Nursing not sure which.
Either way, I should be happy. I came far...but im not. I feel i have zero support. No one came to my graduation ceremony which was more beautiful than I expected. Not only that but after everything was done-- i waited at the school's stairwell 8months pregnant for 2 whole hours because my brothers didnt wake my mom to come pick me up. ( I can drive, just have 1 car which is mine)
My brothers werent concerned abt where I was .. I called and texted both of them and called the home phonr and no one answered.
When i finally got home my brother didnt even say hello much less sorry nor did he ask about my day at school.
Talking to my friend and seeing how incredibly supportive and caring his family is ( his mom took off work to see him in the hopital for a chest infection he had, she texts him good morning and to have a good day at work. Meanwhile i dont remember the last time my mom said she loved me. I know she does by some things she does but its still nice to hear) it just makes me depressed my family doesnt care about me in a way thats obvious and noticeable.
Everyday Ive attended that school. Ive waited atleast an hour to be picked up.. For 3 months. Yup. My mom works nights so i get it. My brother is nearly 30 and drives he could do it but doesnt..yet wants me to pick him up from work or drop him off at midnight to work( ive stopped doing that)
Not just that but-- my entire pregnancy Ive went to every appointment alone. I get my mom works nights but she can take a day off. She has before..
I used to understand but if its something important you can take the time off. Like this saturday shes taking time off to go take my brother to the aquarium.. But she couldn't be bothered to go to atleast 1 of my appointments, my graduation.... Nothing.
But she when she was afraid of going to the dentist to get her teeth cleaned I was by herside. But i dont get the same in return...
Then she wants me to stretch myself thin and go to my little brother's school events all while having a newborn( when he gets here) it just doesnt feel fair.
And my dad.. Uhg. He rarely says the right things. He asked me if i was gonna give the baby up for adoption, the baby would hate the name I chose for him, talks abt me getting knocked up.. Just really insensitive as fxck.
Despite this being a good moment, finally having a certificate and being able to work a decent job and pursuing higher education...i feel hollow. I feel no matter what I do or acheive Ill still feel the same...even if i got my associates Id still feel like a loser bc i have no one to share my happiness with or be happy with me, no one will be at my other graduation and ill just havr to understand and get over it.
I dont think my mom is even coming to the baby shower bc she doesnt like her own family.
Idk i just feel lonely. As soon as I can work im going to gwt into therapy bc im feeling like no matter what I do or acheive im just nothing.
Even with my baby Im just waiting on him to turn on me..and the distance to grow between us.. I just expect it.
I only feel loved by my dogs. They cuddle with me and just make me feel like I actually exist. My friends are okau but theure so spread out and they have their own issues that I dont want to dump on them.
But yeah I just feel lonely and worthless right now.
Sorry its a long read.