BluesDeluxe

@MysteryName, if I may I think I'd like to add a little to what @Audrey822 told you. Something that I think would help is to remember to remind yourself to be patient with yourself. In my experience sometimes that helps a lot. Also I find that with many things in life that are "addictive" or "compulsive", it kind of only makes it harder if you try to cut yourself off of something cold-turkey. It might depend on the situation or the person, but I think more often than not, to try to resist something completely only spider-webs it. And I think that like with anything in life that we can experience true joy from, we shouldn't have to cut ourselves off completely if we don't wish to. I think it's important to remember moderation as well. That we all can do other stuff if we really put our minds to it. I know that sounds cliché, but what I mean is like what Audrey822 said, I think you can have a CO and still be productive, even if it takes a slow start.

I absolutely agree, @dazedandconfused1. It really helps and is such a relief to have this thread on this forum with people who can understand how all this CO stuff happens.

Thank you so much @posie_riot and @Audrey822. Although it's still really heavy right now, I do feel a little bit better than I did a couple days ago. It really means a lot to know that I have your support.

Hi, Everyone. I hope you're all doing well in some way. I haven't been on here in a while, mostly because for weeks and now a couple months I think, I have been fighting some serious exhaustion. Which is probably partially a good thing, cause I think it's kept my internet activity over my CO somewhat limited. I logged in today because I came across some stuff that triggered some terrible feelings. You can probably see the direction that's going in. I saw some news that as of a few days or weeks ago, my CO is rumored to be seeing someone. Another celebrity. I just don't know, I felt kind of okay for a little bit, then I came across that and just had those feelings again. I mean hopefully it's nothing, because there's almost no real evidence so far, but there's like a couple things that show that maybe that is what's going on. I feel like there's more I could or should say right now, but I feel so detached from everything and really pretty scared.

I wish I were more tech-savvy with this stuff. Can anyone tell me how to hide content on this forum? I would really appreciate it.

I agree about that, we really can't help it with such a little amount of control and such. I kind of think that shame is gonna be there regardless cause it's kind of part of being human. But I think more than anything, what we all need is to find some contentment with ourselves, to learn how to love/respect ourselves. At the very least to try to anyway, not to sound so cliché anything. I do think also that whatever improvements that would be made would be more genuine and actually work, if stemming from a more positive place, in theory anyway.

Yeah, I'll be honest when I saw some of your previous posts a couple weeks ago actually, I got a bit of a lump in my throat. Lol. Cause I saw some similarities that were impossible to ignore in your description of your CO. That was at first, but then I noticed a few details that didn't quite fit unless there would be some misinformation from one side or the other. I certainly would have mixed feelings if it turned out to be the same CO in any case. It does sound nice to try to relate to someone in that way with a CO while at the very same time it seems that would come with a bit of awkwardness and maybe an amount of jealousy, but I don't really know. Also when I shared details about my CO previously, I'll admit, I actually omitted certain ones that seem most obvious, specific or maybe less relevant about her for that reason, but also to be cautious about keeping her anonymous on this thread. I do kind of think that, in theory, even if it's not the same CO, one could relate to someone else and their CO and in fact it might work better like that cause there would be some similar ground without, I guess I'd say, the "awkward baggage" that may come about if it were the same CO. And yeah, exactly, and don't worry, I don't know a lot about chemistry/biology either, but I have heard that what plays a big part in that sort of high you'd get from someone you're attracted to is the chemical called dopamine. It's been said that there have been studies of comparison of being high on some kind of drug and experiencing the feeling of being "in love", and the kind of dopamine rushes between the two were very similar with hardly any difference. Whether that's totally accurate or not I don't know, but that's what I recall hearing. Also, I agree with @posie_riot. You do seem to be very aware of your situation and you seem to have more potential than you give yourself credit for. I hope things get better for you soon.

Okay, that makes sense about the "correct" comment then. As for the second part of what you said here, I'm finding it almost a bit eerie, cause that feels quite a bit like how I would kind of describe my CO. All except that I haven't really shared with anyone who my current celebrity crush is when/if they'd ask. Also, I appreciate that you're aware of the "magical" thing being contradictory. Lol. So you get what I mean about it being kind of magical in a way. And yeah, I don't think anyone would really want to get rid of it either even when good/bad. It's just so hard sometimes I'm afraid I'd have to for my own well-being. Which also brings me back to what I said earlier about it truly being intoxicating. By definition it really can be more or less a drug is kind of what I wanted say. The way that the chemicals and the brain react to it and that it can be so consuming that it can potentially impair a lot of functionality and in society and culture that gets so overlooked that it's just insane to me. Also, feel free to private message me if you'd like.

Yeah, it's happened to me with non COs, too, @MysteryName. This one seems to be the most intense crush/obsession for me. It might just feel that way because she's the current one, I guess, but that doesn't really make me feel different unfortunately. As for with your CO and what you said about having to sometimes "correct" your opinions of her like that, I think it may be beneficial, for when you feel like that, to try not to judge yourself so much, cause if you specifically find her attractive, then you find her attractive. I'll admit I have felt like that in some cases, but usually not long enough to really feel concerned about it. Also, yes, it can be just completely frightening to me sometimes of the intensity of attraction I feel towards my CO. Strangely in a good way and a bad way. And that's the thing, I think at first sight of her, I had just thought she was cute with something unique about her. Then the more I learned about her, the more attracted I became cause there seemed to be so many things about her that I like and even would seem to have in common with her. It just seems impossible for someone like that to exist. That being the good way. As for the bad way, of course, I could never be with her and I can't stop thinking of her. And, yeah, I know there's nothing magical about it and I try to remember that and not mystify the situation, too much and that it's just the effect of genetically programmed chemicals. I just wish it wasn't so consuming. It's just way too much sometimes.

I was just watching some other footage of my CO and I started to think about something that just seems so insane to me, that it just seems to be so passively over-looked or even joked about in society and culture. For instance, when somebody says that someone is so beautiful that it's intoxicating, it really is or can be intoxicating. From just watching the video or even just a glance of her face, I kind of started to get freaked out at I guess the sort of high I would get just from looking at her. To me, in this kind of situation, it feels so scary and amazing at the same time. I can't really describe it, but I think it's a feeling of just pure awe. There's just something about her that seems so mystical, as if she's a figment of my imagination (of course, she kind of is or might as well be). Something about her will just strike me with such a haunting and somehow other-worldly beauty and I think it can be potentially, very dangerous. Not just dangerous to my mental or emotional well-being, but physical also because of it being so much of a huge distraction, coupled with a lack of sleep and energy, that it feels more hazardous to walk down the street or to do something simple like that, that requires a lot of attention. And to be so fixated on her, just feels so messed up, like I've been plagued or something and that part of me just doesn't seem to care on top of that. Like I should be living my life, but it feels like I can't.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I do the same thing with procrastinating sleep like that. It can be such a double edged sword, too. Like I wish I could sleep better, but then it feels like if I would, I'd be just as or more anxious than if I didn't. So then most nights, I'm awake watching usually the same specific videos of her for hours, once in a while working on a hobby or something while they're playing, and usually always either swooning or crying, probably a little of both most of the time. But yeah, it really is one of the hardest things about having a CO.

Absolutely and thank you, @Cozmo. Also, about the Citalopram, I hope it doesn't stay too rough for very long. That's gotta be hard.

I don't really know entirely why. I've just felt so damaged the last few days over thinking about my CO. Also I feel kind of like I haven't slept in a week. I don't sleep very well to begin with, but when you combine that with restless thoughts about my CO, the result is kind of like adding gasoline to fire. Then there are times when I'll sleep and dream about her and that's good sometimes although I'll usually wake up more anxious really. I just don't know, I think I just needed to let that out right now.

Thank you for the welcome @posie_riot, that's pretty much what happens to me when I try to talk to new people. I've never been in a relationship either, I've been rejected a few times throughout adolescence by a few very big crushes and I think you're right about my brain trying to correct the problem of rejection with my CO. I do admire her very much... clearly a little too much. Lol. It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of how this kind of stuff happens. I think I can relate, to some degree, to the aspect of the positive effect of the CO being skewed by personal demons and hang-ups. Like for instance I really can't watch anything my CO is in where she has a "romantic" scene with someone, it just gets too difficult for me. Luckily in my case, my CO is really private when it comes to her personal life. However, with the internet being the way it is and people being gossipy, rumors come up once in a while involving her and someone she may or may not be seeing, usually blowing things out of proportion while maybe having a slight shred of truth sometimes. That's really hard when you find out your CO is with somebody, I'm sorry that's happening to you and specifically the way you said. I compare other women I meet to my CO as well, sometimes I almost can't even look at anyone else. Other times I'd look and think the same damn thing each time, that no one is as good as her and then this emotional tug of war ensues. Anyway, I don't mean to drag this out too much. Thanks again for being welcoming and for talking to me. I really appreciate it.

Thank you so much for the warm welcome @Audrey822, I really appreciate it more than you know. It really is a relief to find that I'm not alone with these thoughts and how I feel. That makes total sense about coming to terms with what is and isn't possible with my fantasy of my CO. I think I kind of knew that for a while in a way, but it hadn't really registered, sort of consciously, until you said it. That also is a kind of relief, to know I can always enjoy my daydreams and fantasies of her and to know I can talk to someone about it on here. Thank you.