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  1. one of my past "best friends" let me know that our relationship was bad. she wished I would find peace as she said goodbye. cant argue with that, good luck to her. I hope the future is kind to her. all I hear is the Motorhead song "God was never on your side" Lemmy was a prophet. I am sure my demons are garbage compared to most people. mine are selfish and laughable. I ruined my life by my own failures. one thing i am glad of is that I have no friends so there is none who will be disappointed in me. I want to sleep and not wake. I want to be forgotten and to vanish. its not her leaving, that is a given. I want all to go now. the world is not for me.
  2. calm. the world I wished for is gone and i am fine with being alone. I know who and what I am. I know my value. I spent my time waiting for "better times" but that never came. we cannot touch each other nor be touched, the walls are solid but let a faint echo of each other through. enough to know there is more but far enough to show we never will reach it. some wanted rescue while we ourselves were drowning. truth shows there is no hate in those choices, just fate of the damned. the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. I do not feel anymore.
  3. Wrote a note to one who was important. She was happy in life and glad i was there to help her through the worst and wished i would find peace. I have grown enough to see.a goodbye when it shows so I will honor that as i do honestly hope she will be happy. I won't be but i will not let it known except here. The last forum i write to. The forum where we wish we could help others and on doing so redeem ourselves. I have helped a few i think. That was good but not anything that will balance who I am None here know me or care. That is ok. I have always been alone. As MST3k said. Playing Squirrel and sea lion. We have nothing to do with each other. I wanted to feel a part of something but just cannot. If you care it is only because you fear the same, not because I matter to you. Did i love or did i wish for what made me feel? Either way, its not for me. I am ready to go. We are only one generation away from oblivion. The past never knew us and the future never knew we were.
  4. Written here so i dont bother those who know me. I have been cleaning my storage locker and throwing away junk. I found an old photo of her. I was asked to photograph a play she was a part of. To record behind the scenes and cast photos. The photo is of a group, some people always turn away as natural photos tend to make people feel tense. Her reaction is more. She knows i am there and tries to hide her face. A normal person would be able to feel her reaction but i was blind. Now i can see and her body language is clear. I was always too clueless. Whatever i felt was not what she needed. I failed The past is dead. Most of it was never what i thought it was because i was too arrogant. All i ever wanted was to be remembered as a hero. Heroes are not declared by intent. Instead i became a horror. Not an intentional one but one by feeling my own needs so strong that i didn't see what she was looking for. I grind out my days to fulfill obligations to the innocent. One day i will join the forgotten and it will be no loss. How long has this been? Ten? Fifteen years? All my life? I lived to be someone's hero. I was selfish and have failed.
  5. The problem with depression groups is that we all worry that we will say something that triggers someone into irrevocable decisions. This isn't one of those. I am not responsible for anyone else and they aren't responsible for me. My world is a confining and crushing space where only I exist. I wanted to touch others but can't. No one exists as more than a tv show supporting character.. All i felt love for were fake creations of my dreams. Why are we here but to pay for something we don't remember. Fault is my own. There is no forgiveness nor atonement.
  6. In the past couple years i have shut down most avenues of communication. Looking at them critically, they were all unhealthy. I wish i could let those people know i regret all of it but i am at the point that one more apology is meaningless. Besides, i can see where my presence filled a niche they needed but would never fill the holes in me. I needed too much that is not reasonable to ask of others. I am running out of patience with myself. I dont know why i am even writing this since i dont want replies or anything. Time to bury what I was and relegate the past to oblivion. future is nothing but an empty world. For those who can find a greener pasture, i wish you luck and fair winds.
  7. The world is.  The world was.

    I ruined my own world but didn't notice till too late.

    The now is your most precious moment.

  8. What to write? Its been ages since i was last here and what changed? My body slides further into uselessness. My mother lost her battles with Parkinsons and cancer x5. Family life has stabilized since I gave up and went back to hiding. Past friends are gone. Some dead and some acknowledging that i was only a form of support. Every day i feel weaker and know the end gets closer even as I fight to live. Yes, even I want things better. Memories of a past are nothing but mocking hell. But ...i am a hard shell now. Writing to express emotions I don't feel anymore. Yeah...overly dramatic. No worries. I am not the person i was.
  9. We are all alone People try to reach out but its impossible I hate and love everyone. I know thats confusing but i dont care. I need the end of conciousness as its a hell. EVERY SINGLE PERSON who has touched my world has left. **** them. Why is it si hard to shut all the doors?
  10. I accept its gone. I wont ruin lives anymore. Yes im sad for myself but i see others side. I honestly loved them and would rather they be free. Ive let most go already. Its like throwing away possesions that are no longer important to survival. I need to pare it down to minimum.
  11. Ive had many issues with not having a grasp on what is as opposed to what i wish. Its changed now. I fell in love with a couple of people because my own life wasnt what i thought it would be. Those people all left. I wont judge their reasons as i have no right. They knew my situation. Deep inside i knew i needed to fix what is. Im married but things have been bad the past several years. My health fell appart and depression ruled where i saw the person i used to be fade away. He used to enjoy hiking and fun. That is gone. His body cant do these things. The woman i married has grown. New job and a bright future. She told me after christmas that our marriage was done. Im packing. She says i dont have to leave in a hurry and thats good as the housing sutuation here isnt ideal Shes been happier than she has been in ages. Shes free. I keep smiling even tho its fake. Shes the only friend ive had these past 25 years. Her family the only family. I never fought over the things that hurt all these years but i still have nothing now. Im 50. Messed up health and no prize. I cant try anymore. Friends ive had have all left Partly im glad and partly i want to scream. All i have is to keep it together so my wife can be happy. I want to be angry but the only one i can be angry with is me. This is all what i have worked toward.
  12. ArnoldJRimmer


    Got a direct answer. Friendship was over ages ago but i ignored hints. God forbid someone tell me the truth. Everything was a lie. Ive almost got rid of everyone else in my life. I want them gone. They all ignored my feelings anyway. I want to make my trek into the wilderness and vanish. I need this. An escape from this world of lies. I hate the world and all in it. No one cares. I tried but i dont care anymore either
  13. I didnt realize how s***ty life was to me until i realized that i envied a character from a game. The protagonist of the Fallout video games changes. The lone wanderer, the courier, sole survivor or whatever. A world where the bombs dropped and death is all arround. You can destroy or even find love. But you make your own fate This world is green and lush but far more empty. Im not a hero. Never will be. Loved or hated. I dont care . cowardice keeps me in my daily routiene. My non wandering ends with a grave and to be forgotten. Only remembered as an abstract. Not who i really am. Not loved or mourned. Just another drone. A background extra in life. Star trek red shirts have more significance.
  14. Stone Sour - Bother. Wont repost lyrics as they are not happy.
  15. @Sophy Yes i was in therapy toward the end and still am. Unfortunately i tried lots of things to fix the situation but i didnt understand what i was doing clearly. She wouldnt talk about it. The last open conversation we had she finally talked some. It was that she didnt think i was trying to get better. That it was a lot of "when i do 'x' it will be better" statements from me ('x' being things like start medication, change medication, stop meds, for example) Ive just given up. Im no longer trying to be close to anyone. I just let my self image have free reign and i know its better to stay away from people.
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