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  1. In the past couple years i have shut down most avenues of communication. Looking at them critically, they were all unhealthy. I wish i could let those people know i regret all of it but i am at the point that one more apology is meaningless. Besides, i can see where my presence filled a niche they needed but would never fill the holes in me. I needed too much that is not reasonable to ask of others. I am running out of patience with myself. I dont know why i am even writing this since i dont want replies or anything. Time to bury what I was and relegate the past to oblivion. future is nothing but an empty world. For those who can find a greener pasture, i wish you luck and fair winds.
  2. The world is.  The world was.

    I ruined my own world but didn't notice till too late.

    The now is your most precious moment.

  3. What to write? Its been ages since i was last here and what changed? My body slides further into uselessness. My mother lost her battles with Parkinsons and cancer x5. Family life has stabilized since I gave up and went back to hiding. Past friends are gone. Some dead and some acknowledging that i was only a form of support. Every day i feel weaker and know the end gets closer even as I fight to live. Yes, even I want things better. Memories of a past are nothing but mocking hell. But ...i am a hard shell now. Writing to express emotions I don't feel anymore. Yeah...overly dramatic. No worries. I am not the person i was.
  4. We are all alone People try to reach out but its impossible I hate and love everyone. I know thats confusing but i dont care. I need the end of conciousness as its a hell. EVERY SINGLE PERSON who has touched my world has left. **** them. Why is it si hard to shut all the doors?
  5. I accept its gone. I wont ruin lives anymore. Yes im sad for myself but i see others side. I honestly loved them and would rather they be free. Ive let most go already. Its like throwing away possesions that are no longer important to survival. I need to pare it down to minimum.
  6. Ive had many issues with not having a grasp on what is as opposed to what i wish. Its changed now. I fell in love with a couple of people because my own life wasnt what i thought it would be. Those people all left. I wont judge their reasons as i have no right. They knew my situation. Deep inside i knew i needed to fix what is. Im married but things have been bad the past several years. My health fell appart and depression ruled where i saw the person i used to be fade away. He used to enjoy hiking and fun. That is gone. His body cant do these things. The woman i married has grown. New job and a bright future. She told me after christmas that our marriage was done. Im packing. She says i dont have to leave in a hurry and thats good as the housing sutuation here isnt ideal Shes been happier than she has been in ages. Shes free. I keep smiling even tho its fake. Shes the only friend ive had these past 25 years. Her family the only family. I never fought over the things that hurt all these years but i still have nothing now. Im 50. Messed up health and no prize. I cant try anymore. Friends ive had have all left Partly im glad and partly i want to scream. All i have is to keep it together so my wife can be happy. I want to be angry but the only one i can be angry with is me. This is all what i have worked toward.
  7. ArnoldJRimmer


    Got a direct answer. Friendship was over ages ago but i ignored hints. God forbid someone tell me the truth. Everything was a lie. Ive almost got rid of everyone else in my life. I want them gone. They all ignored my feelings anyway. I want to make my trek into the wilderness and vanish. I need this. An escape from this world of lies. I hate the world and all in it. No one cares. I tried but i dont care anymore either
  8. I didnt realize how s***ty life was to me until i realized that i envied a character from a game. The protagonist of the Fallout video games changes. The lone wanderer, the courier, sole survivor or whatever. A world where the bombs dropped and death is all arround. You can destroy or even find love. But you make your own fate This world is green and lush but far more empty. Im not a hero. Never will be. Loved or hated. I dont care . cowardice keeps me in my daily routiene. My non wandering ends with a grave and to be forgotten. Only remembered as an abstract. Not who i really am. Not loved or mourned. Just another drone. A background extra in life. Star trek red shirts have more significance.
  9. Stone Sour - Bother. Wont repost lyrics as they are not happy.
  10. @Sophy Yes i was in therapy toward the end and still am. Unfortunately i tried lots of things to fix the situation but i didnt understand what i was doing clearly. She wouldnt talk about it. The last open conversation we had she finally talked some. It was that she didnt think i was trying to get better. That it was a lot of "when i do 'x' it will be better" statements from me ('x' being things like start medication, change medication, stop meds, for example) Ive just given up. Im no longer trying to be close to anyone. I just let my self image have free reign and i know its better to stay away from people.
  11. ArnoldJRimmer

    My namesake

    I realize i never mentioned why i chose my screen name. A classic of Sci Fi, the book and tv show "Red Dwarf" is the best kind of Sci Fi comedy but has a lot of reality in it. One of the characters is Arnold J Rimmer. A thouroughly unlikable person. Petty and officious when first met but his character gets explored in a lot of depth. Highly arrogant on the surface its to cover up his own inadequacies. Even as brought back from the dead as a hologram, he is still the same person. The part that sums him up best and what makes me relate to him is the events of being trapped in the most addictive video game ever "Better than Life". A game that grants your subconcious wishes. You dont even know you are playing anymore as its all in the mind. The computer draws from your deepest subconcious all the things you desire. The problem is that Rimmer has a warped psyche. At first he is rich and powerful in the game. Worshiped by adoring crowds of teenage fangirls. Married to the most beautiful woman. But his psyche doesnt like him much. He loses his money, the wife cheats - thousands of times over and gets the rest in alimony. His own mind destroys paradise. Not only his but that of his companions trapped in the game as well. All he wanted was to be a hero, but he was completely incapable of being one. And the joke is that a fictional character who is a amalgam of bad personality traits is someone i look up to. He learned in the end.
  12. @LonelyHiker i hope things get better for you. Part of me hopes i dont have to be here much longer as well but im too terrified to actively do anything. I guess seeing someone suicide in front of me when i was 16 made me see what it does to everyone arround. It does hurt people who dont deserve pain. I keep worrying that if i died, id merely be stuck with the same pain. I always was a twisted dreamer....i keep wishing the dreams could be real. I know i drive others away. Its my fear that does it. Its really unfair of me and i hate that i harm those i love even if its a flawed and unworthy love. @Crimson_Wings You are correct. I know i base my self worth on others opinion. Every time it was the same. Id see their eyes light up when i arrived and i felt invincible. They loved me and i worshiped them for it. But worship wears thin. Some love it for a while but loathe it eventually. I try to ease up as soon as i know im doing it but usually its past the point where the other has cooled. Thats when i panic. Im drowning and i cling. And frankly a desperate, clinging man is disgusting. Everything turns inward. Rage, hate, disgust. I took people i loved and made them hate me. I dont know how to break this.
  13. I dont know what to do. The only advice i get from people is to "move on" Moving on for me takes years. I dont fall lightly for people. The first time it happened was pre internet and took 8 years or so and moving halfway arround the world. The second was a dissaster i finally have accepted after another 5 years. This last one is the worst. Its someone i trusted and even though i knew there couldnt be a real relationship i always thought we would be something. At least friends. The words "ill never leave you" always replay. Now im 50 and there is nothing ahead. The closest i come to feeling normal is when im dreaming. But i always wake up.
  14. Ill be blunt hopefully someone can tell me whats disconnected in this warped brain of mine. I fall in love where its never going to be returned. Deeply and probably obsessively. There are those who have told me they love me back but i cannot accept it or feel the same fire i have for those who rejected me. Those rejections were not from people i only knew in a shallow way, mind. They were people i knew varying from several months to years. Is it merely that I keep trying to feed in to my own self hatred? That I fall in love with people that will never return it merely so I can continue to beat myself up?
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