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  1. hi dude333, I agree that his illness is not his choice. if he had become paralyzed and refused proven and effective treatments and physical therapy then yes, I would be angry with him as well. people around can see some improvement with the meds yet he suddenly wants to stop seeing the psychiatrist without any intentions to follow up and will allow himself to relapse when he runs out of meds (he was much more apathetic towards the family prior to the meds). I have two very young girls that I've been fully responsible for in every way while working full time and I'm very angry at him for that. it has been rough trying to raise them aloneand dealing with him snapping at me and twisting my words and complaining about anything and everything good that I've tried to do for him. it's been hard watching him ignore the kids when they cry or yell at them when they are loud (they are only kids, of course they will play loudly). he has never physically hurt me but he has no qualms with keeping his business a secret from me when he used to share everything with me. he's now secretive about his whereabouts and money and thinks it's funny (one of the few times that I see him smile) when I know nothing about him. I have been so patient and did his share of parenting but I cannot do it anymore without resenting him. he comes home and keeps to himself. anything I request from him (as in asking him to help feed the kids) he uses his work as an excuse to not do it. then two minutes later, he announces that he needs to go work out. he comes home late after running whatever errands he needs to do while I'm stuck at home because I'm the responsible parent. I'm separating because I don't want to witness how he chooses to live his life while ignoring us. I find that it's easier to not be around him as I'm constantly walking on eggshells...afraid of him snapping at me for any question. even something simple as, "are you hungry? dinner is ready," he will snap back, "I'm working" in a leave him alone tune. it's hard not to be jealous of him when I would also like to work out and stay up late to finish my work but I need to be at home to care for the kids. I put up with it for this long because I felt that as long as he's working with the psychiatrist to get the medications adjusted, he will soon be able to recognize his behavior. I don't know why he's angry at me. he tells me he doesn't blame me for his depression, yet because I'm the only close person around, I have to deal with it. I've tried to recruit his family to help me and the smartest member lectured me about the importance of prayer and he felt he was doing plenty by praying for us. then he lectured me for calling my husband an a$$hole (he used to be a great and nice guy but truly, he's more of a selfish a****** these days). I told him I just cannot do this anymore if he does nothing about his illness. him working out and taking meds is not enough. he has to work with his psychiatrist to continue to get the medications adjusted . even his pmd is baffled by his sudden desire to stop treatment. it's hard for me not to want to leave. he acts like he hates me; he doesn't trust me. he twists everything i say despite me correcting him numerous times. at this point, I cannot reason with him and he already thinks of me as the bad guy when I haven't done him any harm. i don't deserve to be treated like this after all that i've done for him and the family so i need to get out to manage my sanity. i'm so unhappy with him and so hurt by him. and I don't want to be around him anymore...he makes me so sad and scared (of being snapped at). In a way it gives me hope learning about your remorse. he has none right now and could care less if I die...truly.
  2. hi everyone. I hope you are all doing better these days and at the very least, have people who can support you. I'm sorry for not responding to your replies as it also takes a lot of energy and effort to absorb what you tell me and for me to face my own reality with my depressed husband. his official diagnosis has been confirmed to be depression with psychosis, and the psychiatrist tried to so hard to help him. my husband barely improved so I do wonder if there is underlying bipolar disorder as he's always so irritable. anyhow, that's no longer important as my husband has stopped seeing the psychiatrist altogether. he gave me no good reason other then "it's just too many visits" when in reality it's been over one month since he last saw the psychiatrist. I finally told him that I was tired and unhappy with our marriage...I was tired of pushing him to see the doctor and I cannot do it anymore. I then shared with him many of my thoughts about how I felt he was emotionally abusing me and broke so many of his promises to me and how he's been absent as a father to the children. that I don't want the kids to think that it's ever okay for husbands and wives to an emotionally and physically absent relationship as ours. I'm less than a stranger to my husband. he tells me that he had always loved me, but he doesn't see how his behavior tells me otherwise. anyhow, I should have kept my mouth shut as all he took away from my many conversations with him were two points: 1) I don't care about the relationship so why should he 2) I don't want him involve in the kids life. neither of those points are true and I never said them. fortunately, we had about 6 weeks of medicine for him but he has no plans for what to do after he runs out. I told him I wanted a separation as I can no longer fight for us, especially if he doesn't do his part and continue to work with the psychiatrist. I have already looked into a divorce mediation lawyer as my husband is willing to give me everything I request from him. I'm just very disappointed in all of this. I'm angry that he's so slow to get better (and he has been getting better) yet he doesn't want to complete the journey to be fully treated. I'm terribly sad that the beautiful years I shared with him have been overshadowed by the abuse I endured because of his illness this past year. and I hurt knowing that my kids will not have a father to protect them and guide them in the future. instead, they have this person who comes and goes as he pleases in their lives with little thought to his behavior and treatment of them. finally, I want to thank all of you for taking your time and patience to help me. I understand that you're struggling with your own illness and having to answer my questions and dissect my complaints can take an emotional toll on you as you might be able to identify with some of my husband's behaviors. i am grateful for the insight you gave me as it lessened some of my anger towards him. I just wish my husband had the strength and insight to deal with his illness such as you have been able to. once again, thank you for your kindness and help.
  3. briefly, my husband has been with severe depression and we have finally found a combination of medications that is giving us more hope. he's still very withdrawn and negative and has completely abandoned his responsibilities as a father and husband (prior to this, he was a loving, generous, considerate, and very thoughtful family man). I'm hanging on as I know that he will stop all medications if I leave (and his psychiatrist requested that I stay with my husband longer for the same reason). I don't know how much longer I can continue to help him because he treats me so awfully. we have tried therapy, but he was too ill for it and if anything, the therapy sessions made him worse (could be because the therapist was not good). his psychiatrist and I are waiting until he improves from severe depression to moderate depression before restarting CBT or IPT. 1) I have been trying to get his family involved in his care and have limited the number of family members I tell because he's ashamed of his illness. there is one family member who I want to share as I feel that she's the only one who is willing to be proactive to help him, but she also likes to gossip. she's the one person none of the other 3 family members want to reveal the information to. but none of those 3 family members are doing anything to help him except to tell me to suck it up for now. should I tell her if she's my only hope for real support (for him and for me)? if i can no longer handle the emotional abuse/neglect from my husband, she will be the person i need to tell so that she can take over for me. 2) is there anything any of his family member can say that will help him see how poorly he's treating his children and me? anything they can say to help him see how his anhedonia is destroying our family? he is seriously the worst husband and worst father I know among my close circle of friends/contacts. in a way, some of the things he's done more recently is downright mean. 3) if he ever gets well, is there any chance he'll regret and fully remember how poorly he treated me and the kids this past year? or do you think that it'll be too painful for him to think about his actions and chances are, he'll run away from the situation? I know separation is in our near future as he's been so terrible to me and I've done all I could on my own to help support him...it hurts to know that he will not recognize that he's destroyed this marriage and family. 4) was his severe depression even preventable (this is his first episode ever...it's almost two years long and he is 44 years old)? because if it was preventable, it makes me angry at myself as i can see how i had a role in his illness too. please note before sending hurtful comments that I have tried my hardest to help him. I have not told him to snap out of it. I have tried to set boundaries with him to prevent this marriage from collapsing further. I have been the one to set appointments for his psychiatrist visits, taken him there, paid for his visits, and picked up his medications. I have given him plenty of space. I'm not trying to be insensitive to how terrible he feels, but I'm trying to find a source of comfort and sanity for myself by asking these questions. thanks.
  4. thank you mikayla. I'm just very tired of being the only functional parents for my kids and dealing with a man who behaves like I'm the enemy. I really need that hug. he has been doing better on remeron (decreasing sedation and feeling a bit more energized). it has only been 2 weeks and I know it takes time for meds to work. you're too sweet. you need not apologize for his behavior. not all of those who are depressed treat their spouses like this. it hurts me to know that some depressed folks have much more control and act more responsibly towards their partners. like you mention, he's suffering...I sometimes forget that as I try to apply logic towards my situation. I need to remember he's hurting too much to behave rationally. I'm just glad he finally saw this new psychiatrist. It gives me more hope having him plugged in with someone who is in academics.
  5. hi guys, he finally saw the new psychiatrist. it was chaotic as our babysitter got ill and I had to bring both of the very young kids to the appointment. despite the noise and distraction, the psychiatrist remained very professional and I felt much more hopeful with this new one. he has been great with communicating with us back and forth and helping adjust the medication as my husband is currently sedated with all the meds. and he is very much concern about the severity of my husband's depression and anxiety and wants weekly updates from us (email and phone calls). he even agrees that my husband might be a candidate for ECT but wants to try remeron first as he recognizes that my husband wouldn't be able to handle the thought of ECT in his current condition. he also recognizes that my husband is too sick to proceed with therapy for now.unfortunately, he has not started tapering the pristiq and abilify as the psychiatrist wants my husband to respond to remeron first before discontinuing the other meds as they are helping him enough to prevent him from being suicidal. so now my husband is basically sleeping all day.my husband has been very good with taking the meds although he's still very irritable and just all around mean to me at times. but as long as he's taking these meds, I know he's really doing his best because I know how much he hates having to take meds and feeling lethargic all day. we're taking it one week at a time.so thank you for your support. you guys have been so helpful in keeping me grounded during this difficult time in my life and my marriage.even if it doesn't work out between my husband and myself, I really want to thank all of you for caring about this stranger. I hate this disease! you guys have been amazing in dealing with your illness and helping others cope too.if anyone has any experience with remeron, please let me know.my husband started on 15 mg x 1 week then recently was increased to 30 mg as the psychiatrist wanted him to go up on this med rapidly to achieve the antidepressant effect. he was also placed on klonopin as he was having panic attacks and bad anxiety throughout the day but that was too much for him to handle and the psychiatrist mentioned to stop it for now.
  6. I hope we can come across a combination of medication soon for him. he barely hears what I have to say and gets frustrated when I bring up the topic. one of my girlfriends is afraid he might be a high suicidal risk even though he currently denies it. so I'm just a bit more paranoid about the situation. it was a sad day for me. today, today is our daughter's fourth birthday and no word from my husband. he left for a business trip on Monday and ignored all texts. I even sent him a friendly reminder that it was our daughter's birthday, but we did not even hear from him. I'm just very sad. it was one thing for him to entirely ignore our anniversary but another to ignore our sweet girl's bday. to be fair, he gave her a birthday gift and I bought a cake on sunday for us to have a pre-celebration, but I thought at the very least, he would have texted her something. I hate the person he has become and I'm afraid our marriage can't last. I have tried counseling and so has he. unfortunately, he told me too late that he didn't jive with the counselor after we've had so many sessions with him for his depression. and my counseling tried to prepare me for divorce from the first session. I am living my life but when he does things where it's clear to me that it's all about him (even his treatment of me), I strongly want to leave him so I can protect what's left of my family. thanks for responding ladies. it helps to remind me to be more patient but when I see how poorly he treats me and at times the kids, it is very hard to support him or even want to support him.
  7. hi all, my husband has severe depression and moderate to severe anxiety. he has been seeing a psychiatrist for 3.5 months. currently, he is on pristiq 100mg and abilify 10 mg with little improvement. I am grateful that we got plugged in with our current psychiatrist very quickly and will forever be grateful for that. but now that we have been with him for this long, I realize that he may not be a good fit for my husband. for example, he doesn't understand the Asian mentality. the pdoc says that my husband has severe depression but because he is able to work, the pdoc acts like my husband's depression is not that bad. he doesn't communicate with us and doesn't truly listen. when we call, he ignores our phone call. when we ask to adjust the meds because my husband is so fatigue with the current regimen, he tells us to continue with the current regimen. also, my husband has gotten much more emotionally numb and apathetic with the current regimen but the pdoc doesn't care. he feels that that's a good thing as it makes my husband less anxious about his workload. he's so apathetic that when my almost four years old cried because she fell and landed against her face, he doesn't even bother to console her. he just sits in the chair and lets her cry as if he's a total bystander. finally, the pdoc states that it may take a year before my husband gets better at this pace, and he's okay with that. he doesn't care about how this year will destroy our family as my husband as been emotionally abusive towards me and at times our kids. he's awol as a father and husband. anyhow, another psychiatrist came highly recommended by one of my psychiatrist friend. this guy understands the Asian mentality, has been great with communicating with me by email, and has tried to bend over backwards to get my husband seen despite his busy schedule. he knows that even though my husband works, he recognizes that my husband has severe depression because his work is severely impaired. he also is in academia and is currently teaching psychiatric residents at a prestigious psych program. the problem is, my husband refuses to see another psychiatrist, not because he's attached to his current one. it's because he's tired of dealing with his illness and doesn't want to relive it by going through an initial consult where he has to tell everything from the beginning. his PMD even urged him to get a second opinion as she sees so little improvement with the current psychiatrist. this new psychiatrist is also much more experienced. he's older, does both inpatient and outpatient psych, has equally intelligent colleagues he can consult, and sees more volume and is much more up to date with treatment. so how can I get him to see this new guy for at least a second opinion. I'm the only one who's been pushing him to get help and his siblings have been hands off besides for a phone call here and there. I so resent them as he's always done more to help them out. his PMD and staff even placed two phone calls urging him to get a second opinion and to call this new pdoc for at least a free 5 minutes consult (which he hasn't done). as he becomes more apathetic, it has become more difficult to get him to do things. he has poor insight and because I'm truly the only family member he keeps in touch with, he is very combative towards me. anything I recommend is automatically met with a "no." if I push it then he cries and withdraws. it's worse than walking on egg shells for me. please help.
  8. from what my husband's psychiatrist informed us, unlikely for the sweating to go away if the symptom wasn't gone around the 8 week mark. it's your response to the serotonin increase...but apparently, there are meds to combat that. I hope this helps.
  9. jasondark-thank you. I needed to hear that despite depression, people still need to be responsible. that means so much to me. I can see that sometimes he tries but for the most part, I'm a single mom as my husband has mentally checked out and could care less about it. the kids can cry and he'll lock himself up upstairs and let me manage everything... turnt, thanks for your response. I honestly believe that therapy would help expedite his recovery but he's so darn stubborn and is still somewhat in denial of his illness. I know that the medications have not help much but at least he is no longer suicidal, but I know at our next appointment in 2 weeks, the meds need to be adjusted. you're right...he is able to work but that's his escape as well. he has completely isolated himself from all those who truly care for him and love him and is only interacting with his colleagues. it's his only form of survival. if he wasn't able to work, I think he would have attempted suicide as he no longer cares for his family (myself, his children, his siblings, and his mom). we tried therapy the first month without much success as he was not in a good place to focus on it. more recently, he hinted that he didn't care for the therapist (another reason why he resisted continuing with therapy) but it's so difficult to push him to see another therapist as he will have to start from the beginning and he tells me it is very difficult for him to share his story again. and turnt, i should be posting this in your thread instead. i just want to say good luck with your search for love. finding love made me feel more complete, but at the same time, I have to redefine my definition of life and happiness now that my love life is in crumbles. it is so challenging. you have dealt enough with your depression and I hope you can find the real deal for yourself...someone who appreciates you and will be there for you through your ups and downs. please hang on and be patient with life. I'm much older than you and did not find my significant other until I was 29 and he did not find me until he was 34. so please hang on there and trust that it can and will happen. I am sorry that you guys have to live with depression, but you are aware of your condition and have taken steps to help yourselves recover. I respect your strengths and determination as I have come to realize what a nasty and aggressive illness depression is.
  10. I posted back in june of this year. Briefly, my depressed husband has suffered from depression for about 1.5 years and was recently diagnosed 3 months ago. He is currently on pristiq 100 mg and abiliy 5mg and is seeing a pdoc but refuses to see a therapist. He still has anhedonia, no motivation, and poor concentration and is definitely still very unhappy but not suicidal. The meds have given him a bit more energy to get work done and get out of bed, but he’s a total ass to me (as oppose to the awesome man I married). Around others, he is able to be more animated and returns their phone calls. He ignores all of my phone calls and his relatives’ phone calls and texts. Around me, he’s either emotionless when speaking to me, ignores me, or is very short with me. We do have two young children and with the new home situation, I’m basically acting as a single mom in addition to working full time. I’m doing my best for his sake and have tried to put down boundaries to feel less demoralized, rejected, unloved. He completely ignored our anniversary and has began to leave for business trips during the weekend to avoid the children and me altogether. I have tried to work with a therapist myself to learn how to cope with his behavior and am currently reading “depression fallout” to understand more as a person with a depressed partner. Anyhow, I’m posting this because I see that so many depressed people here want to be in a relationship or have complained about their partners leaving them because the forum members here are depressed. I am not trying to stir up any conflict. I just want to share with you my experience as a wife who is miserable with her husband’s emotional abuse and absence. If you have depression, please communicate with your partner. I am left so confused when my husband is only irritable around me and snaps at me when I ask him the simplest of question. I get so hurt when he doesn’t even let me know when I should expect him to come home during a business trip or ignores my texts (I don’t even call him anymore as he doesn’t pick up my phone calls). When I ask him very basic questions, his typical response is “I don’t know” as he refuses to put in any effort to converse with me or “I don’t remember.” This might pertain to you. Even though you have depression, you are still someone’s parent. You still have a duty towards your kids. My husband has dumped all the responsibilities of childrearing onto me and has left me alone the entire weekend to take care of our children (they are toddlers and have so much need and energy). It's ridiculous that I have to take care of the kids after work when he gets to sit in front of the computer to read or naps whenever he feels like it or escape to the gym whenever he feels like it during the weekdays. On both weekdays and weekends, he sleeps in as late as he wants when I have to wake up early to tend to the kids. Be reasonable with your partner. I know my husband is sick and I make little demands of him. I even give him space and probably only get to see him about 1 hour a day as he hides in his office all day and intentionally comes home late from work or uses work as an excuse to escape to a corner of the house. I try to make small talk with him to try to maintain our relationship but he will twist anything positive that I say (even if it’s me praising the children) and make it negative. Or gets short with me for "asking too many questions" when I only asked two questions that pertain to our children’s safety. Or complains about the new nanny (to care for the kids when I’m at work) when he did nothing to help with interviewing one. Or expect me to do all the grocery shopping and take care of the household and the only shopping he’s done is to buy a new phone for himself in the past three months. I can go on. But my point is, if I ever get to the point of leaving my husband, it’s because I’m justified. I am trying my best to be patient with him, to allow his medication to be adjusted so it can be effective. But it doesn’t give him the right to emotionally abuse me or be a jerk towards me. If your partner leaves you or thinks about leaving you, please ask yourself if you were able to do your best to spare his/her feelings too? If you want to get into a relationship, have a game plan so that when you’re depressed, your partner can recognize the signs/symptoms. Have a plan in hand such as s/he can reach out to your doctor or therapist or pdoc so s/he can get in touch with you. and always communicate and show some level of respect to your significant other. I find myself beginning to resent my husband and am at a point where I’m beginning to feel that perhaps divorce is not the worst thing that can happen to me. Living with someone who I love but treats me like $hit is the absolute worst thing that can happen to me. So please don’t do this to your partner if you want him/her to stay.
  11. hey starsea, I'm sorry to read your message here. I'm not a marriage counselor and am not too familiar with your story, but I want to applaud you. despite the recurrence of your depression because of your wife's obsessive personality and devotion to her hobbies of little interest to you, you are trying to make it work for the sake of your child. I don't know what to tell you except I recognize that you're trying your best for your family's sake instead of acting impulsively. besides for marriage counseling, is your wife seeing a therapist separately to help her with these obsessions/fandom? I'm not sure how young your child is, but have these hobbies of hers conflicted with her parenting responsibilities? is your wife aware of the recurrence of your depression? again, I'm not too familiar with your past so I'm not sure how supportive she has been when you've been acutely ill. do her priorities change when she's aware of your illness? you have helped me with my situation when I first joined this forum. I want you to know that I'd give anything for my depressed husband to be in your shoes as you have good insight into your illness, recognize the need to do therapy and return to a professional, and also prioritize and focus on your family despite having depression. I recognize how much energy it takes for you to concentrate on your family when you have this energy draining illness looming over you, so I want you to know that I admire your courage and your strength. I agree, for your son's sake, try to work it out with your wife but if she's changed so much that it's affecting you severely then it's okay to take a break. as long as you've tried your best, that's what matters most. as long as you communicate your wife and gave her a fair chance then don't be afraid to take a break for your mental health's sake. if my husband tried as much as you did for your family, if he tried to be involved as much as you have then that would have been more than enough for me. I would not resent him if he requested a period of separation as long as I know that he tried his darn best. so if you're looking for support, if you're wondering if you are in the right to leave...remember this, as long as you communicated with her and did at least your share as a husband/partner and father then no one can fault you...depressed or not.
  12. I'm going through the same thing as you except my husband's depression is new to him. he was unaware of what he was experiencing for the last year to year and a half until june 9th (I found out that day). we are much more slow that you as a couple as he's still very snappish, irritable and seems to take it out on me as he has refused to communicate with his family. he has not returned their phone calls although he will return their texts. i have stayed by his side, but it's quite devastating since he's so different from the man i knew and married. his mood is not better and he's made very hurtful remarks towards me. your story gives me hope but your man seems to have recovered at a much faster rate and it does not appear as though he's gotten therapy or medication? anyhow, I'm very happy for you and it does give me hope to know that your boyfriend can feel his love for you again. i hope he continues to improve.
  13. no one should hate you. the perpertrator is the one who is at fault. I understand why you feel ashamed but you are not the person to be blamed. you were naïve and thought the best of people and only wanted to help out others...you should be proud of those qualities. too many people are cynical these days, and it's great to see someone who can brighten other peoples' lives. I cannot imagine anyone hating you based on your circumstances. so learn to forgive yourself and love yourself. you deserve happiness, we all do.
  14. hi brooke, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that you had to experience such tragedy; it was not at all your fault. you were drugged, raped, threatened, and humiliated. that is a lot for anyone to go through. my heart reaches out to you. thank you for sharing your story. you have to thank yourself for all of your hard work and for having been so strong. you are confronting your fears while achieving the impossible (well, a half marathon is impossible for me to even start). please continue to work with your therapist, continue to exercise, and continue to share with us. of course you deserve to live. the world would not be better without you, please understand that. that's your depression and anxiety making you feel this way. you sound like such a wonderful and kind person, I cannot imagine how many lives you have positively affected. and this forum always needs kindness too! so welcome.
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