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Petrus

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  1. Hey RobinandBlondie, I'm sorry to hear that you've been going through what sounds like a pretty tough period of time. How long have you been feeling this way? I'm here to talk if you need to, I know how scary it can feel to spiral into feelings of self-doubt. Heck, even if you feel like venting, I'm here for ya. Stay strong.
  2. Thanks for th support coolcat. I'm currently taking Lamictal 300mg, clonazepam 1mg, Vyvanse 70mg, and ambien 10mg (as needed). I see my psychiatrist once a month, and while I find our sessions to be really helpful, I also find myself holding back on talking about how I really feel sometimes. Just the thought of having that conversation makes me feel like I'd need to take one of my clonazepams just to get through that appointment. I know I shouldn't be feeling the way I am- I have an amazing partner, a new puppy, and just moved into a new house. You'd think with all of those things I'd be doing just fine, but like you said, the days just seem to stretch into infinity, and the only ways I seem to fill them is by distracting myself with sex and other pathetic things to waste my time on. I'll lie and tell my partner that everything is ok while they're at work, but in reality I'm just wasting my time and energy on things I know for a fact are only hurting me. Writing all of this is really difficult, and I ended up having to take a clonazepam earlier before joining the forum to discuss all of this. Naturally, it helps me come down a little bit, and makes me want to go out and do things, but I still can't find it in myself to be that person. I've been stuck in this cycle now for a couple of months, and it seems like an impossibility to break away from it.
  3. Hey all, I'm totally new to the forum, so I hope im posting in the appropriate place for this... I was diagnosed with bpd II and adult adhd around 6 years ago while I was in college. Since then, I've been on a wide range of meds and up until now, everything seemed to be going great. I recently quit my job as an EMT, due to the stress and insane hours, but I've noticed that since leaving work, things have become increasingly worse for me. My search for new jobs has been a total failure, and the more rejection I face, the worse my depression seems to get. I wake up every morning feeling like today will be the day where I start feeling better again, creating schedules for myself about what I will be doing to stay productive, but quickly dismiss my plans after writing them down, making up excuses for myself as to why I won't be able to make it to my rock gym, or even go grocery shopping. Instead, I seem to almost blank out and do things that I wouldn't normally have done in the past. I feel like admitting this, but I've taken up smoking again, even though I hate it, and will stay glued to my computer wasting hours of my time/viewing porn to try and escape my failed day. It's almost like I black out during these periods, and once I come back to reality, I feel horrible about how much time I've wasted and the damage I've inflicted on my body by smoking. However, before I come to that realization, it's as if I don't even care about myself while I'm taking part in my self destructive behavior. I end up having to take one of my 1mg clonazepams just to keep myself from feeling like I'm going to fall off the deep end. Friends and family who I've talked to about this only seem to become greatly uncomfortable with my issues, leaving me feeling hopeless and lost. Every single day that goes by seems to be making me worse, and all I want is for me to be happy again- to want to go outside, seek new employment, exercise, and just live life like I used to. I've never felt so alone and detached from everything in my life, and it's starting to really take a toll on my body. I guess this post is just my pathetic attempt at being reassured that everything will be ok, but as of right now, I have no clue how to get out of this mindset. Is there anyone on here who can relate? I feel so isolated, and my sense of self just seems to be fading away. Sorry for the long post, I just have no other avenue to vent.
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