I'm totally new to the forum, so I hope im posting in the appropriate place for this... I was diagnosed with bpd II and adult adhd around 6 years ago while I was in college. Since then, I've been on a wide range of meds and up until now, everything seemed to be going great. I recently quit my job as an EMT, due to the stress and insane hours, but I've noticed that since leaving work, things have become increasingly worse for me. My search for new jobs has been a total failure, and the more rejection I face, the worse my depression seems to get. I wake up every morning feeling like today will be the day where I start feeling better again, creating schedules for myself about what I will be doing to stay productive, but quickly dismiss my plans after writing them down, making up excuses for myself as to why I won't be able to make it to my rock gym, or even go grocery shopping. Instead, I seem to almost blank out and do things that I wouldn't normally have done in the past. I feel like admitting this, but I've taken up smoking again, even though I hate it, and will stay glued to my computer wasting hours of my time/viewing porn to try and escape my failed day. It's almost like I black out during these periods, and once I come back to reality, I feel horrible about how much time I've wasted and the damage I've inflicted on my body by smoking. However, before I come to that realization, it's as if I don't even care about myself while I'm taking part in my self destructive behavior. I end up having to take one of my 1mg clonazepams just to keep myself from feeling like I'm going to fall off the deep end. Friends and family who I've talked to about this only seem to become greatly uncomfortable with my issues, leaving me feeling hopeless and lost. Every single day that goes by seems to be making me worse, and all I want is for me to be happy again- to want to go outside, seek new employment, exercise, and just live life like I used to. I've never felt so alone and detached from everything in my life, and it's starting to really take a toll on my body. I guess this post is just my pathetic attempt at being reassured that everything will be ok, but as of right now, I have no clue how to get out of this mindset. Is there anyone on here who can relate? I feel so isolated, and my sense of self just seems to be fading away. Sorry for the long post, I just have no other avenue to vent.