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MarkintheDark

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MarkintheDark last won the day on May 8

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About MarkintheDark

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    Flori-doo-dah

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  1. We're definitely on the same page. For me it's been an acquired habit. The few people with whom I'm close understand the distinction. It helps me break down my day into manageable slices. At the depths of my depression, otoh, everything becomes sh^t...and that li'l acquired habit sometimes helps me avoid it.
  2. Day could go either way. Two phone calls, appliance repair and Social Security, were dead ends. And confused, disorganized broker wants to show, but isn't clear on whether this evening or tomorrow. He already knows I've nixed today b/c of recovery time from yesterday's medical. Hell, it's right there a couple lines earlier in the text thread. It wouldn't be unlike him to press the point, but I'm not gonna let him get away with it.
  3. Not pushing it today. The aftermath of my monthly injections has been a li'l rougher than usual on the fatigue front. Heck, it's a month's worth of meds all at once. So, my reaction's not unexpected. I have a couple years' practice. Guess I'll have to give myself the full 48 this time. Have managed, nevertheless, a load of laundry.
  4. Though it was tough at first - took me years, even after cutting her off, to accept a parent could be so abusive - I've never regretted giving the Narc Mom the boot. @LonelyHiker, you bring up an interesting point about your own son. My older step-sister had to shield her son from Narc Mom from the get-go. Narc Mom insisted , for example, my step-sister bring my baby nephew along to a cocktail party - of all things - travel to which was across several miles of mountain roads in blowing snow. As told me, it was an almost incomprehensible showdown. The woman just couldn't comprehend the parents' concern for the safety of the baby in those conditions, let alone the inappropriateness of even demanding the new parents' participation. On reflection, I realized this was the same contempt with which she'd treated me as a child...and she was doing it all over again! Together with other horror stories my step-sister shared, it was a refreshing perspective on my own childhood and the woman's utter abdication of any parental responsibilities for the sake of her social life. (My nephew's now an accomplished private pilot who works for an MLB team)
  5. Hi Maxx -- I may be misreading it, but this is familiar territory I wandered a number of years ago. It took me a few painful years and even a suicide attempt to break me free. The sex was pretty good, but yeah, I was a wallet for him. And there were complications since we ran in similar social circles. Nevertheless, for my own sanity, I just had to cut him off. I also had to ditch some of our mutual friends and make new ones. tbh, too, he had a nasty, vengeful streak (keying my car, for one). Fortunately I had the resources to keep him at arm's length. Lucky I did. A few years later the police showed up at my door looking for him b/c he'd been involved in a hit-and-run. By that time he was long gone from my life and I'd recovered enough I didn't give a damn. Short version from someone who's been there: If you're at wits end and you're feeling used, the relationship is hurting you. Probably in ways you can't recognize right now. What happens if you just tell her "no"?
  6. Guess this is my go-to for The Adventures of Spot. He's back to meowing insistently at the linen closet door so I can open it and give HRH a lift to the third shelf where he makes a nest for the day. #pwnedbykitty
  7. Out-of-nowhere anxiety attack this afternoon, albeit a smaller one. No reason I can fathom for any specific issue to trigger it. Welp, that's the way these attacks go. Throws me off, however. Have had a good couple of days that included some moderate physical exertion (for me) and constructive accomplishments. Have kept up my dosing. All I have pending is my monthly draw and injections Monday morning which I've been doing for over two years anyway. I dunno. It may just be the heat and knowing I'm pretty much stuck indoors now...except for early mornings.
  8. I'm sending you a more lengthy PM, but I know the knot well. Believe it or not, your primary concern is your own well-being. And, yeah, that's selfish...but in a good way. I certainly stepped on a few self-righteous toes in the process. Phine.
  9. Count your blessings. It becomes an OCD thing. On the surface that may sound funny, but it's definitely been a thing for me. We're talkin' toothbrushes and the like for the little details. otoh, it's immensely satisfying for me to do what I can to restore an older car to some of its former glory.
  10. Satisfied...enough. After yesterday's wax/detail of the Wündercar, decided to forego a vac of the interior until this morning. Glad I paced myself that way. And, while I had the vac out, did the house, too. Decided that was enough for the day.
  11. @Nightjar you're the best for starting this thread. From the many responses you and I have seen from other members in other threads, no doubt this is a great refuge. For reference, perhaps you, too, should share your story again. Motherload...hahahaha. Ah, motherOVERload? To answer your question on my birthmother - gonna be a long one that doesn't fall into the narc category - it was my own background that gave me an idea of what was going on, though she was never forthcoming. I strongly suspect childhood abuse from her father and her brothers, one of whom became a detective with a particularly mean streak. His kids - my generation - have a variety of unhealthy coping mechanisms from overcontrolling to extremist religious practices. As a child of abuse - albeit with years of recovery - it's second nature that I'd recognize it. I'd have to say codependency, OCD and depression were the ones I recognized. As with some codependents, she chose a nursing profession. Catastrophizing is a thing for her, as well. I call it her Code Blue. I once dropped by, telling her I'd had an interesting day. Her response was, "Oooooh noooooo!" tbh, I went off on her. Generally, she completely misses social cues in almost any conversation despite having a Masters. On the OCD front, her habit has been to work herself to exhaustion. Yes, it's to get attention, but it's also she feels she's never good enough. While an election worker, she collapsed towards the end because of an untreated fractured femur. I also recall once picking her up at the airport and being shocked to meet her with her face covered in scratches, bruises and Band-Aids ostensibly because she'd been cleaning her kitchen cabinets. She looked like she'd been viciously mugged. Perhaps most telling is that I'm the result of an affair she had with a doctor (who I never tracked down). Then she did it AGAIN with the same doctor, my brother being stillborn a year-and-a-half after me. I'll end the ramble by saying the usefulness of observing her - heck, our facial features are nearly identical - is that it's been a constant reminder that unchecked, that could be ME.
  12. Guess I'll jump in again since I've already covered the narcissistic adopted mother angle. My birthmother, with whom I didn't connect until my 30s-40s has been a little different. Loads of untreated mental health issues, outright refusal to seek treatment, and a penchant, nevertheless, for manipulation to get attention. I'd have to say the most useful tool was having outside support from her doctor and pastor, among others. It was a way to double-check that my responses were appropriate and, most importantly, healthy for me. Two examples. She was so damaged and lacking self-esteem she'd sometimes, quite literally, apologize every other sentence. Even her friends old and new complained it drove them cray-cray. Pastor finally started laying it on her that she did it so frequently that the apologies were meaningless. His way of saying, "Knock it off." Secondly, she then started to use tears in almost every conversation. It wasn't pseudobulbar affect. Again, with support of Pastor and her doc, I was able to say, "We're not doing tears today." And that cut off the current episode of waterworks...until the next time. I'll add that I didn't and don't have the capacity to be her maid, nurse, handyman, or therapist. And that was heavy manipulation. I was able to refuse, straight to her face. I wasn't mean, but I was firm. What I AM good at is financials and legals. That was my laser-like focus, a shift from matters emotional to matters practical. Particularly as a parent ages, things like a Durable Power of Attorney and Healthcare Power of Attorney are crucial - I can't emphasize enough how crucial - particularly while that parent is still lucid enough to understand what's going on. And it's only a few hundred dollars to have an attorney draw them up properly. When she finally stopped paying her bills and things were being disconnected for nonpayment, I got her into assisted living as quickly as possible.
  13. Y'know, I think we've enough here to start a Toxic Mommy thread.
  14. One of the healthiest things I ever did was to ditch the narcissist in my life...and that was nearly 30 years ago. In one sense, that was easy enough to do because I'd become so damn angry about the way I was being treated. That anger translated into action and gave me the courage to say what needed to be said to her. Nor did I care about "consequences." Her predictability was her weakness. I took full advantage of it, even watching with some satisfaction from the sidelines as she contorted herself to make me out the bad guy. More difficult, before and after, was coming to terms with the fact that a parent would do this. Also immensely satisfying is that she's about to turn 95, all of her contemporaries/co-conspirators are long dead, and she's become isolated because no one wants to deal with a nasty, vicious old woman.
  15. What an incredible thread and candid responses that, frankly, should be read by anyone in the mental health field. Y'all have spoken my truth. What I find interesting personally is the idea, boiled down to its basics, that enough is enough is enough when it comes to treatment. I suppose that speaks to where I've been the past couple of months. I trace my history with depression back to my responses back in childhood, peaking as a young adult when I was barely functional. Doctors, therapists and pills haven't "cured" me and I'm only just realizing now, in my 60s, there is no cure, per se. I've acquired enough tools through not just treatment, but life experience. These days my tendency, more often than not, is to just accept this is the way I am. Fighting my nature - such as just letting myself be in bed - only exacerbates things. No, I don't fit the mold of what I've been told I'm "supposed" to be, according to experts who are totally disconnected from my experience. But I'm a lot more at peace.
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