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MarkintheDark

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MarkintheDark last won the day on June 2

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About MarkintheDark

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    Flori-doo-dah

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  1. Oh definitely. I keep an MP3 in the car full of stuff from the 60s-80s to fit or bolster any mood. Several years ago, too, I put my mind to finally putting my digital restoration skills to work on pix from my childhood. It took months, but I found myself pulling up details in the images about which I'd completely forgotten. Some of it made me sad enough to cry, or even sob. But some of it spurred me to scour eBay for a few items of nostalgia - particularly a couple of Dad's portable radios - which I restored and treasure. Lord, I even take one of the radios to bed with me when I feel like I need a connection to Dad. I even found the same model of the tape recorder he gave me for Christmas in 1965, just about my best Christmas ever. Having something tangible and tactile keeps me connected. That photo restoration skill also meant I started to restore many of my old aviation pix from as far back as 1970, some of which I then donated to a grateful west coast aviation museum's collection.
  2. Y'know, I wish I could believe that for myself. Right now it feels like only so much fantasy or wishful thinking...based on 60+ years of life. I probably shouldn't have done it, but I looked up the neighbor's new property. Good lord, it's lovely, peaceful and even a more upscale neighborhood. I suppose at least one positive, since Spot immediately took a shine to his husband when we moved here, is that Spot would have a wonderful, calm, safe, entertaining home at either property.
  3. Haven't quite been willing to lay this out anywhere, but here goes: In the past few months, things have generally been working out well for me. The unrelenting drama of Mom's insanity is out of my daily life (as are her pushy, self-righteous, idiot church ladies), I'm back to doing things that are meaningful to me, I'm doing some of my best photography, I've reconnected with friends (both online and IRL). My medical issues are largely taking care of themselves. My psychiatric meds are having a generally good effect (for the first time in years), though I still deal with some depression and days with ongoing low-grade anxiety. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that the well-being and affection of my companion, Spot, gives me a great deal of satisfaction. #catwhisperer Kinda capping it off for this week, I chatted briefly today with a neighbor who just bought a fourplex nearby who'd love to have me as a tenant when my lease expires in a few months. And, having known him for 2½ years, he'd be a great landlord. What gets me is that it's the same story. Most areas of my life are working out, except I'll be essentially indigent in a few months. Much as I desperately need it, no one and nothing is coming to my rescue, particularly at my age. As I've opined before, the "survival" options so destroy and undermine my quality life that they're not worth it to me. With apologies to those who are religious, my take is that, as John Milton would say, "God" is an effin' sadist, building me up just for the sick satisfaction of taking me down. I'd be more at ease about exiting if most everything was right now going to hell.
  4. I'm sorry you're still trapped in that situation. Were you able to try some support from the Trevor Project?
  5. Woke up this morning to news that a predawn water main break would affect the city and surrounding communities for 24 hours. Water pressure declined to nothing by midday and kinda put the kibosh on bathing (as if that was a high priority for me today). My head has been and is in a grayer space all day. Maybe I did too much in the heat yesterday, despite getting out with friends. I shut down for the day today. Hardly got out of bed. Even when awake, I've had those uncomfortable, annoying physical symptoms of anxiety. At least, as of late this afternoon, I can flush the toilet again. May try to see if a tub bath helps calm me.
  6. I'm tired out from the heat and some unexpected activity, but in a good way. A photo opp came up out of the blue midday Wednesday, so a few of us made up a kinda ad hoc group to participate. Considering I hadn't been out for ten days, it got me back in the swing of things. Short term, that cleared out the cobwebs. We got to see each other and have a good time. Personally, I think I overdid. I'm not in such a great space tonight, despite having a lovely afternoon with the guys. I'm feeling tired and fighting off an anxiety attack. Given the afternoon, I'm confused about these feelings...and don't even feel like examining or talking about them right now.
  7. Y'know, perfectly fine to unfollow, unfriend or even block someone. All kinds of gray areas available. It depends on their toxicity to me. Mebbe b/c I'm old, but I don't care how many followers I have. I use FB to keep engaged with friends and colleagues.
  8. Ruminating a bit today, no doubt partially b/c I'm in the midst of the 48-hour recovery period from my monthly injections. I've come to accept that a month's worth of meds in one sitting is gonna throw my system off for a bit. My thoughts I suppose could be in the bucket list category. Today was the 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon launch, when I was a young teen at summer camp. I don't think I was even capable at the time of even imagining I'd be around 50 years later, let alone imagine what life would be like. This comes on the heels of the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall riots. Again, particularly given the AIDS crisis, it wasn't a day I ever imagined seeing. Finally, in just over a month, I'll be exactly the same age Dad was when he died, an age I never considered I'd reach. Our lives were considerably different, but I feel I have at least a little bit of the perspective - or even lack thereof - he had. Reaching those milestones knocks three major items off my bucket list. I don't quite know how to describe it, but it kinda takes the pressure off vis-a-vis anything that happens to me from this point forward.
  9. 50 years ago this morning, Apollo 11 launched on its way to the first moon landing. I was 13 and at summer camp. What a trip down memory lane! At the time, I couldn't even conceive I'd be around for this anniversary...or, having followed every step of the space program, that we WOULDN'T be on Mars. In the same way, I couldn't have imagined - particularly in light of the AIDS crisis, that I'd live long enough to see the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall riots last month. In the same way, too, in just over a month I'll be the same age as Dad was when he died 34 years ago. Blows my mind.
  10. Y'know, it's such a shame that ghosting people gets a bad rap...probably b/c most of us here have undeservedly been on the receiving end. I've gradually become a fan of it. Put another way, it's just another tool to set boundaries or a way of saying, "You're gonna have to figure this one out for yourself. If you'd been paying attention, you'd have noticed. I don't owe you an explanation." I'm currently having a convo with another member. The subject of my birthmother in assisted living came up and whether I had plans to visit her. Hell, I haven't since she moved in January. I'd always been the proactive one, even pre-dementia. I decided, nope, no more of that. I've cleaned up her mess. I've seen to her basic needs. And, heck, during and following my hospital stay I heard nothing from her...for weeks. I've done my bit. It's MY life now. I can't begin to describe the relief that I no longer have to dread receiving pathetic, whiny voicemails that her "email is broken" or other nonsense.
  11. Ugh. I know how unsettling (to put it mildly) that can be. You were on a lower dose previously, yes? fwiw, my dosage increase sent my anxiety thru the roof and I had to get with my pdoc quickly. When it got to be too much, frankly, I just quit (but at 40mg). I have to note, too, that it had been years since I'd been on Prozac and, best we could figure, my physiology had changed as I aged. I'll mention that, at the time, I was also on Trazodone for anxiety. We decided to up the Trazodone and that helped the symptoms subside. He also told me it was used as an AD. I'd have never expected it, but it seems to be addressing that, as well. For the remaining anxiety, he just started me on Buspar 5mg x 2. Point is, if you're having a bad reaction on the increased dosage, let your pdoc know. Hang in there and just vent here as need be. But you already know that.
  12. You might also want to check out Consumer Cellular. They have a BYOD program. Great rates. Amazing customer service.
  13. Coming successfully - I think - off the cold symptoms/scare of the past week, I wanna get back to living. Friends have noticed I'm not on my game. And I've been honest with 'em. I don't have a lot of pressing obligations the rest of the month, but the past few days it's been hard to steer clear of anxiety/depression, particularly if I start to think about where the next few months have me headed. idk if it's healthy, per se, but I try to steer clear of that and just enjoy the day. Have my monthly injections/blood letting (draws) this morning. We'll see how I fare with that. Usually the month's worth of medication in one sitting saps me for 36-48 hours. Fortunately, again, no other significant pressures.
  14. I have to concur with @sober4life about moving on. I'll share a few things I've learned in my 6+ decades, for what they're worth, some of 'em picked up in meetings. One is that when you don't know what to do, do nothing. Put another way, it sounds like you've been bouncing off the walls, sending mixed messages yourself. otoh, it sounds like he's been doing just what he needs to do. Another concerns amends. Sometimes, with good reason, people aren't open to amends. They're under no obligation to accept an apology. In fact, sometimes the attempt can make things worse. See #1 above. Third, strictly a personal opinion, sometimes people and/or situations can't be "fixed." "If I could try to get him to talk to me...."? And how are you gonna force him to do that? To be blunt, is there anything else you think he should be doing? And I'm absolutely serious about this suggestion, write down a list of all the things YOU think HE should be doing. Then burn it. The only possible "fix" is yourself. I'd focus on that.
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