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MarkintheDark

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MarkintheDark last won the day on December 13 2018

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About MarkintheDark

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    Flori-doo-dah

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  1. That speaks volumes, imo. Probably something on which I'll have to latch as I go thru "buyer's remorse"...well, ok, second-guessing myself. Interesting I haven't given a lot of thought to the pdoc appt in the morning.
  2. Cheap 90s/aughts, bad CGI movies on SyFy. Lord, sometimes even the people aren't pretty. C'mon!
  3. Y'know, I don't think there's any "right way" to do it. In all my run on sentences, I haven't mentioned I spent much of the past week googling "how to break up with your therapist." Oh, the articles give a few examples, but, as you and I know particularly well, the relationships with our Ts can be complicated. About the best advice I had was from @sober4life. I like it b/c she tends to cut to the heart of things quickly. In short, if I felt I couldn't trust him, it was time to dump him. And I've been monitoring my reaction the past 12 hours. Primarily it's been relief and a significant drop in my anxiety. I've also almost concluded, since you and I discussed the nature of this relationship, that it's a lot like breaking up, say, with a boyfriend simply b/c I'd trusted him with intimate details of my life and felt he betrayed me. The speed of it, too, has thrown me off. A few weeks ago I gave him a hug when I left...and I'm NOT a hugger. Took me months to be able to do that, when I'd come out of the hospital last fall. Now it's like we're complete strangers. I feel like I didn't know him at all. My typical long-winded way of saying that this has elements more in common with a boyfriend breakup, despite having no attraction to him in that way. Frankly, I also don't know if I'd be handling this, ah, reasonably well if I didn't have all my DF buddies. Y'all have no idea....
  4. Emotionally worn out from a couple weeks of this sh#t, but relieved. Having had several hours to digest, I'm struck that his first and only reaction was that, "I can refer you to another therapist." No comment otherwise. I'd like to believe he was, ah, speechless (or even contrite), but I think it's more likely he just went stone cold detached. I doubt he heard much of anything I had to say...which tells me I was right to get outta Dodge. All I have next is the pdoc tomorrow and notifying him I've dumped the T. At least I feel I can be honest with him about my feelings.
  5. Just effin' relieved...though some post-anxiety shakiness. The call lasted only seven minutes. Glad I had my MSWord cheat sheet to keep me on track with the salient points. Decided to start off with that he probably already surmised I was ending our therapy. Wasn't gonna be sneaky about it. Worked my way thru a few contextual points that we'd been gradually going off track, but the past two weeks were the worst of it b/c of his continued justification of "therapeutic obligations" over an innocuous figure of speech. Though I'd tried to get us back on track last week, I said that meanwhile my POV hadn't been ever acknowledged or explored. So I gave up. Yes, I said, he can keep his "therapeutic obligations" he'd been repeating, but I did emphasize I no longer trusted him. I wasn't going to continue to let myself be hurt. Thank god he just kept his damn mouth shut this time. I bit my tongue about "therapeutic obligations" when he offered to set me up with another T. Just sounded like more disingenuous "this is what they told me to do in psychologist school." And I sure as hell won't be seeing another one until I decompress. I ended the call by saying I only needed him to cancel my remaining appointments...could he do that? Thank you. Goodbye. [giving myself a five-star rating]
  6. I'm sorry you're faced with this conundrum. I understand how the conflicting emotions can be painful and only contribute to your own depression. I won't be presumptuous enough to tell you what to do. What I can share is that I've had similar conflicts, albeit not romantic. That's to say, my experiences may not hold a candle to what you're feeling. My bottom line has come to be my own mental health. In the case of an elderly parent with dementia, I had to put my own well-being before hers. It was tough and not everyone approved, least of all her. But it sure as rain calmed me down. fwiw, I had to repeatedly remind myself I couldn't be expected to be any help to her if I wasn't caring for myself. Please keep posting, as much and as often as you wish. You'll find a lot of supportive voices here.
  7. At the moment, I feel I MAY be ok firing my T in a couple hours. I've had a week to sort it out. Though part of me remains conflicted for the issues with which he's helped me cope and, frankly, just the consistency of having a weekly appointment, I simply have no indication he's interested in either acknowledging/respecting my feelings or moving forward. That being said, I also have a call to Mom's bank this morning and to my case manger. Should keep me from becoming too consumed by the T issue.
  8. Please don't try to skirt the line of traffic in the turn lane by cutting in front of me. Ain't gonna let you. You're not that important. And you'll be stuck with the bill if you ram me. Grow up, for chrissakes.
  9. Put indelicately, he's almost literally made every dog in the neighborhood his beyotch. 😁
  10. Oh, not in the least. Spot's your "typical" shorthair black cat. He's a rescue. I surmise he was raised with puppies. He adores the neighbors' dogs when they're out for a walk, much to the dogs' confusion. Big wet canine nose checking him out? No problem. He'll then revert to "cat" by rubbing up against them to leave his scent. He despises cats. He talks a lot...to everyone. When I come home, he bounds across the yard, "barking." He's a li'l confused about his tail. Most cats use it to signal annoyance. Wellllll, he does that, EXCEPT he wags it whenever I talk to him. Took me a while and some Google research to figgur that one out.
  11. My catdog (no, not like the cartoon) is about my only persistent comfort right now. The cooler weather helps, since he's always looking to me to provide him warmth. And he is a PERSISTENT comfort. He insists on using my legs as a pillow. Butt-first prop on my shoulder when I lie down. He insist on belly-up use of my lap when I'm at my desk, li'l hind legs stretched almost to my face. And I get a stare-down/meow objection whenever I have to move, even to use the bathroom. I feel obligated to move him Very Carefully.
  12. Oh Mae, I wish I could cancel your ticket, help you off the ride, walk you thru the turnstile and get you back on solid ground. Maybe even go for a cotton candy afterwards (DESPITE the sugar jolt and sticky mess). I don't have to tell you you're in good company. But I just did. What I know about myself after all these years is that I need some external influence quite often to get me off my assets...say, an appointment or other obligation such as bills, laundry or groceries. Deep in my past - like 35 years ago - sometimes THOSE weren't even enough. Ironically, I've eventually come to accept those external influences are what it takes sometimes and that's just the way I am. Frankly, too, ruminating about my To Do list makes it worse. Sometimes I'm not even aware I'm doing it. Too overwhelming. Yep, I shut down. I head for bed. And when the "deadline" comes, I just don't give an eff. If anything, I'd encourage you to go easier on yourself. I get that you see yourself as a workaholic. If you'll permit me to be a li'l presumptuous, however, you're not "lazy." Sounds to me like your body and mind are telling you something. Again, if you can, go easy on yourself. (I'M a fine one to talk...hahaha) This is gonna sound counterintuitive as hell. Quite often I've had to convince myself that I'm doing the best I can, even if my best isn't good enough. Corollary, "good enough" for whom?
  13. Considering my state of mind lately, nothing short of a miracle. Managed BOTH laundry and groceries...in the same day.
  14. If it helps, I put Ts, pdocs and, in my case, my PCP, in a different category. In order for them to be effective, I have to sometimes reluctantly share some intimate vulnerabilities with them. They're not "friends," per se, but I have to trust them with details about myself that even some of my besties don't know. If they're gonna be harsh or judgmental then I'm less likely to give up the information they'll need to treat me effectively. Maybe something I've learned is to not d*ck around when that kinda relationship goes south. I'd even venture that I've actually developed an intuition for those situations.
  15. Then I guess that makes two of us. I don't think I can recall anyone else here expressing that kind of feeling. Helps to know I'm not alone on that count. fwiw, I've calmed down a bit. I'm determined to make the call tomorrow - lord, izzit tomorrow already? - if only to deny him the ammo to shoot me down for ghosting him, which would be out of character for me. I think I'll have more veracity if I'm consistent. So, too, I'll then feel more confident facing my pdoc Friday and explaining the situation to him. Makes my narrative stronger.
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