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MarkintheDark last won the day on August 7

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  1. And that's what you needed to do coming off the trip. It was a lot of stimulation, albeit what sounded positive, for just a few days.
  2. Ended up crashing a few hours until early evening after the landlord resolution (for a few weeks at least) and a rough clinic appointment. My NP was patient, but concerned that despite my best grooming efforts, I did not look well. First time anyone has acknowledged that to my face in a long time. She went ahead and put in the referral to, I forget, pulmonary or cardiology, despite my objections that their referral department had so badly screwed up her last referral, leaving nothing done. Without wanting to raise alarms, I simply told her I was so damned tired and overwhelmed, I'd given up on the clinic being of any help. She posited that perhaps the Trazodone - that my former pdoc and I determined was being somewhat useful as an AD - was nevertheless causing problems with my energy since she typically prescribes it for sleep. Yes, I think she has a point, but I've no options since my pdoc left and all they're offering me is telepsychiatry with a stranger 200 miles away or a jerk to whom I was referred last spring who's all about intimidation (big Doberman always at his side and an office with all the lights turned off). Tonight, honestly, I don't feel anything like relief...even over the almost three weeks' respite and lab confirmation of some declining medical issues. My legs hurt. Hit the ibuprofen...though haven't needed Xanax since this morning. Maybe I'll be able to pull myself together tomorrow. Maybe I'll even feel like accomplishing something. Yes, I accomplished stuff today - even telling my other NP that his referral simply snowed me with paperwork - but I feel lousy. Maybe I'll just keep up my verbal vomit here....
  3. Email fr the current landlord he's extending me until the end of the month. So, I'm putting out a check right now. Mixed feelings nevertheless. Yeah, it gives me breathing room, temporary normalcy and a little longer to enjoy my life. But I feel as though I'm just doing it to delay the inevitable...and may even end up losing that other unit. Have the NP appt. this afternoon and don't feel as though it will accomplish anything except perhaps finally give me their detailed bloodwork I've been unable to access via their regular portal.
  4. I may have mentioned it before, but you and my dad bear striking similarities in similar situations. It took me years to gradually understand just how much effort he put into our relationship. All those decades later I recognize those similarities are probably a significant reason you and I clicked. You're giving me some more insight into him.
  5. @adamrparr We've discussed our shared childhood experiences with hellish "transitions" and a thought came immediately to mind. idk if it's even something that would provide comfort in the moment. For me, it was even those "six weeks every summer, Christmas every other year" (yes, Dottie West for my generation) that I only realized decades later helped the young Mark hold onto some semblance of sanity. It almost precisely described my permitted visitations with Dad. And, y'know, travel is stressful, too. Good for you that you were able to get outta Dodge for a while. I'm thinking it probably helped...though I sure as hell won't deny you any of what you're feeling/thinking tonight.
  6. First, I know to lie convincingly on the PHQ-9. I have for years. Second, I know to phrase it that I'm giving up on THEM.
  7. Have an appointment with the clinic's NP - not the one handling my HIV protocol - tomorrow afternoon to review their last labs. Haven't even been able to access the results from their portal, so I'm going in completely blind. idk whether it's worth it to even run through the litany of physical symptoms - dizzyness and/or what I guess I'd call muscle seizures, sometimes losing sight in the left eye, leg pain, some limping that occurs without warning. I know from experience she'll refer me to a specialist but those in the clinic who are supposed to follow up will ignore the request. What I may tell her is that I'm giving up. I simply can't fight my own symptoms plus their incompetent bureaucracy.
  8. idk quite where to post this, but I'm feeling slightly lighter and with a bit less pain b/c I did a half hour epsom salt bath for the first time in, I think, a week. Hasn't affected my thoughts or problems, but I guess I'm more comfortable physically.
  9. Today's rain cooled things off significantly. First time I've been able to keep the windows open in probably six months. Usually that helps my attitude. We'll see, under the circumstances, if that still holds any validity. Jury's still out on that. Gave the landlord a brief response, mentioning the new property, that I'm not enamored with it, but I'll take it if I must. Reiterated my offer to compensate him. As inclined as part of me would have been to ignore his email out of fear, I'm just not like that. Couldn't really accomplish squat today, save the scripts pickup. Still apparently fighting off the trots, if that's not TMI. IF I can manage, I'd like to head out for a brief predawn shoot Sunday morning and briefly pretend I still have my normal life.
  10. I try to be mindful of responses, but in my current frame of mind it can be difficult. I think the "impenetrable stuckness" is a particularly apt description. Found out this morning the photo opp wasn't gonna happen. Though a disappointment - and it was nice to joke about with a couple friends on social media - it was nevertheless a relief I could go back to bed for a few hours, especially with a gentle rain having taken charge of the day. Current landlord emailed middy wanting to know my plans. I'm trying to compose something that essentially asks what latitude he can give me, again making the offer to compensate him for the privilege. I'm living in that impenetrable stuckness I described in the last post. Maybe I'll be able to function later today and accomplish smaller tasks. Hell, at least I ventured out to pick up a couple script refills and the lower GI problems have subsided. In a nutshell, I'd have to say I'm hiding.
  11. @JD4010, @nojoy, @MargotMontage, @Tears_Always, et al...thank you for carrying me...b/c gawdknows I can't carry myself. (I feel badly, too, I haven't been able to offer support to DF members lately.) My late night musings - and, honestly, a wine cooler - have helped me keep somewhat calm. Have an unusual photo opp (maybe two) tomorrow that, despite the showers in the forecast, I might use to get myself outside. Jus' gonna ask you to again indulge me as I think out loud. Got no one's ear to bend otherwise. Although nothing's been said by my current landlord as of Friday - this guy's really being a saint - but I feel the personal pressure is on to make decisions and I feel they'll have to be made quickly...i.e., do I "commit" to that new lease, putting the move into motion, all its expenses and my exhaustion. I ran all my figures and best I can hope for is two maybe three months' survival, maybe through February. And the triplex with the owner in one unit is about as close as I'm gonna get to something even remotely acceptable. He has no clue how sick I am. Damn survival instinct. otoh, right now I'm in a perfect position to put an end to this and do it on a high note, relatively speaking. Spot's in safe, quiet, familiar territory with neighbors, including canine buddies, who know and care about him (vs. an unknown sentence to kitty prison, unless a couple of these shelters can bypass it with an immediate foster for which there have been no takers). What little funds I have I can leave to compensate my current landlord for his trouble, cover my simple cremation and other expenses my executor may incur. I've made sure my will has specified them for use at his discretion. Might as well note I've dropped ten lbs. in the past month and other symptoms are now causing me difficulties daily. I can fake it for brief periods in public, but even a couple groceries late Friday were quite a performance.
  12. Back on track doing meds at sunrise, but then back to bed. Even midday - and now even having done my second ¼ tab - I've lost any hope of getting it together on a Friday...or even the weekend, despite what I'd normally consider an exciting photo opp Sat and perhaps even Sun. It would just be me putting on my "face" and hanging out with people who have health, jobs, lives and families. Hell, OF COURSE I deserve to be homeless. My only thought today is that I've given up even caring about the fight. I'll probably hide the rest of the day and try to enjoy the few I have left. Have a clinic appt. Monday I may or may not keep. idk what good it will be reviewing my blood tests or even mentioning the dizziness, eyesight and leg/mobility issues. I'll just be shoved into a referral program that's already ignored me. No one's around who's gonna help with, say, any packing. It's all on me. No one understands or cares how completely drained I am. I feel like I've completely failed myself and everyone else, that I'm beyond even deserving redemption. I didn't mention that the other day, out of the blue, I received an invite for an out-of-state family reunion of my dozen or so cousins next summer...harking back 50 or so years in remembrance to our wonderful grandmother's death. These are people who are everything I'm not, who have homes, titles, families, jobs, etc., even wealth. Being the youngest, too, my life is beyond anything they could ever understand.
  13. Well, at least I kept my promise to myself Thursday, forcing myself to stay in bed as much as possible, treating myself to soup and 2½ hours, in segments, of Fritz Lang's 1927 silent, "Metropolis" (tbh, I'm partial to Bridgette Helm's "bad" Maria). I only finally came out late night to get the bottle of Robi that holds the coughing at bay - the most useful solution from my hospital stay a year ago - so I can breath without struggling. And, ended up doing four of my ¼ tabs of Xanax today to keep it together. Although I like the peacefulness of nighttime, I noticed how suddenly lonely everything felt when I stepped out the door. All in all, however, I'd have to say I'm calmer than 24 hours ago, even if feeling lonely. idk any other place to mention this, but apparently a rat or something died in the attic crawlspace, smelling up the bathroom, and I have no way to access it. Like I really need that kind of reminder right now. I've played about all I can with the digitized layout, one which is cramped livable, save the bedroom which, thankfully, is the same size as the current one and with which I can maintain a completely familiar, calming layout. As my safe space, that's particularly important to me. And there's sufficient closet space. But the physical/emotional effort and expense required for the move, as Tears alluded, makes me question everything...that is, I'm in my best position to peacefully exit sooner rather than later. I guess I'll know when I know what my threshold for quality of life vs. surviving is. I've been getting small breaks here and there, but they're only buying me a couple months at best. You folks are the only ones who understand. If you'll further indulge a little ramble, one of the dreams I had today - I won't try to interpret - was a few people I didn't recognize welcoming me, after a pleasant drive, to a small oceanside property of simple bungalows, directing me to one they'd prepared just for me. It felt reassuring.
  14. Completely restored version of Fritz Lang's 1927 "Metropolis"...my all-time favorite silent masterpiece.
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