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MarkintheDark last won the day on August 7

MarkintheDark had the most liked content!

About MarkintheDark

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  1. I want to lay out some stuff just to vent a bit. That is, I'm NOT asking for advice, well-intentioned as it may be. As usual in this thread, it's kinda candid. I guess I can write b/c I've just had 12+ hours with no anxiety attacks. I have just enough coming in/available to make my move when the lease is up, maybe even carry me for a couple months. I've been scraping and juggling to usually keep four figures in my accounts. Frankly, I haven't been putting a lot of energy into even considering the possibility. My energies have gone towards putting my affairs in order. And I've had some successes, though I'm far from finished. Mostly, they've left me overwhelmed this month to the point I struggle to accomplish anything. The peak of hurricane season hasn't helped...nor has losing my neighbor David or having crossed the awful threshold of living longer than Dad. What scares me, aside from exiting, is whether I can medically or emotionally handle another move after only 2½ years. My health continues to decline. My previous move was after 7 years in a modest, but for me, almost idyllic setting. The stress brought on a gall bladder attack within a month that put me in the hospital for emergency surgery. In a broader sense, that's what major stressors do to me. When I lost Ricky, my feline companion of 16½ years in 2013, I had a heart attack a month later with two stents placed. When Mom had her MI a year ago and I was forced to become her caregiver, plus straighten out her financials and legals b/c of her dementia, it put me in the hospital again with a COPD attack within six weeks...and a very slow recovery of almost two months. I'm also fighting an uncaring clinic/service organization that's been blowing me off for months. I need their assistance and they ignore me. I'm older than most of their clients...or staff. Nor have my initial searches come up with anything close to acceptable as a new home. I just want a place that's affordable, safe, quiet and relatively comfortable for a (mostly-retired) guy in his 60s. I've received a couple of responses from a neighborhood site. One's way too expensive and not at all quiet (though I like the owner), the other, idk yet. I don't even know if it's in the same area I've lived the past 30 years. I'd like to go my usual route this week and drive though nearby neighborhoods to see if, as I did here, I can find something. David, my former landlord, was a godsend. His presence saved me. I also recognize I've been fragile enough the past few months that it doesn't take much to completely throw me off my game. Thanks for listening.
  2. fwiw and from what I've read of your posts, it sounds like you're doing an amazing job under the circumstances...and, make no mistake, it IS a job. From my limited perspective, your family knows of your struggles and you have friends who care for you, even if they don't know the whole story. I suppose, as with most relationships, it's a matter of degrees. Sounds to me like you recognize that. I'm quite similar on what's "appropriate," as much as I don't like the restriction. I'm kinda facing that situation at the moment with a couple closer friends who've been concerned. I wanna dump the whole story on 'em. Yeah, def pay attention to the exhaustion part. In my experience it's quite real and, imo, needs to be respected. When all this is over, you gonna have some recharge time? ...and Happy Bday!
  3. Took some effort, as noted this morning, but got out this afternoon with four - count 'em - of my friends I hadn't seen in weeks to do some shooting. 📷 And a pleasant breeze from TS Humberto well offshore even made the temps tolerable. Three Tylenol probably helped, too. We'll see if I can hold on to this. Either way, glad for the relief.
  4. Awoke with breathing problems (COPD). Have been fighting both anxiety attack(s) and depression all day. Tried my usually trusty Progresso soup for lunch. I'm finally taking a ¼ tab from what little's left of my Xanax to see if that will help. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to hang on. Honestly, if not that, then a wine cooler.
  5. Kitty is my barometer when I'm doing badly. He knows I'm suffering. For the past several hours he's been checking up on me constantly, under foot a lot, and talking considerably more than usual. In his feline way, he's making sure I'm not alone.
  6. I don't feel well tonight. I had a productive day (for anyone following my exit thread), but I have to consider the emotions just under the surface had a physical effect on me. There were issues on which I was reluctant to dwell, let alone set to paper. I'm fatigued and both legs hurt...again. My new normal. I did manage to pick up my scripts. And then a friend got me out for a sunset photo opp that was mostly successful. But I had what I can only describe as something like an IBS attack (painful cramping, etc.) when we wrapped up and particularly as I drove home. I couldn't get to the bathroom fast enough. Haven't had anything like that in probably ten years. So, tonight I feel completely weak and wiped out. I'm fighting off an anxiety attack, as well. ok, I feel like sh*t. I hope I don't start crying.
  7. Perhaps TMI for even this thread, but I finally composed and sealed one very important exit letter. It's taken a few drafts over some weeks, during which I've had time to re-examine some points, and even took a few further hours to edit for the right tone. Most importantly, I wasn't particularly sad or angry as I made the final draft, emotions which have been otherwise overwhelming many times the past couple of months. I won't say I was dispassionate, but I laid out my circumstances and frustrations as best I could. I'm pleased with it and was able to comfortably put it away for future use.
  8. Hope I don't come off as patronizing - no way am I diminishing or invalidating the struggles you've had/continue to have in your environment, some quite similar and as soul crushing as what I faced at the time - but I think you got this, as much as it may feel sometimes you don't. You've shared so much here. That's just Old Guy perspective. From the old fart POV, you're resilient. Honestly, do whatever you need to do to hang on.
  9. Since it's 2am and rather than muck up the regular boards, I'll do it here. I suppose I'm insane. I'm absolutely clear about my circumstances and, if there was anything to my attorney's appointment yesterday, it's that being treated with dignity and respect is a rarity in my life. She was young enough to be my daughter and wonderful to me. Meanwhile, as has happened repeatedly with these HIV organizations, I've been bullied and/or ignored. My well-being, despite their "patient-centered care," takes a back seat to personal agendas and office politics. Their dysfunction is all over the place, the elephant in the room, if you will. I can't fight an organization up to its neck in denial. So, what happens as my health issues worsen is that eventually I'm too tired to fight them at the same time I'm just trying to keep my head above water. The nonverbal answer I get is, "oh well...too bad. You'll have to figure that out for yourself." Y'know, what I wouldn't give for just ONE person who could give me the support I desperately need. ONE person to even text me a couple times a week to check on me. I've even read that some organizations in the private sector are in fact doing just that when their folks are suicidal or in other distress.
  10. On a tough morning like this, @Tears_Always, I needed the reminder. You're right, in the midst of this mess, there are a lot of characteristics you mention that I find it difficult to recognize...and I've usually been better than that. Thank you doesn't say enough. My usual rough start to the day - and I suppose I could have cancelled the attorney (she's flexible) - but somehow pulled myself together just enough with a shower and shave to get down to her office b/c the advanced directives were done. They're now in hand. I'll mention that one thing I've noticed with this attorney's office. I'm treated with deference and courtesy. I'm NOT dealing with people who have agendas or personal issues they want to take out on me. The difference has been like night and day.
  11. Believe me, I know how "our" furballs are so important to us. When I lost my last one six years ago, I'd hang out at shelters just for the unconditional affection from them...until one of THEM adopted ME. I know, too, how important they are as an emotional anchor when everything else seems to be going to hell. I'm sorry.
  12. Horrible. Struggled to get out for a so-so photo opp. Then returned the call from my clinic yesterday that had confirmed my pdoc had moved on, cancelling Friday's appt. Sessions are now telepsychiatry...with someone 200 miles away who doesn't even know me and at a time I'm struggling to hang on. As calmly as I could, I told them I was not doing well and had all but given up on getting help since, so many times, I'd "fallen through the cracks" in their broader care. Supposedly they're getting back to me. I'm about beyond even caring. I'm just hoping I can shut down for the day.
  13. Feel like I got hit by a truck. A few hours' nap after groceries (at least I managed that). I assume it's a reaction to yesterday's monthly shots. Oh, just learned my pdoc has already flown the coop. No Friday appt. Instead they're switching to a Skype session...wtf? Well, effin' good for them that they're now even more detached and efficient.
  14. For once, not quite as sore or fatigued as usual from my monthly injections yesterday. I'm gonna see if I can at least venture out for groceries. As @duck would say, it's better than nothing.
  15. You bring up a point I perhaps haven't acknowledged enough. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it is for my brothers and sisters here and I can't even begin to quantify the amount of courage it takes for y'all. Nor can I ever adequately convey my gratitude for your help in supporting me. Given that this is a taboo subject in much of society, you're about all I have. My neighbor David was my support IRL in that respect. His trust and respect for me as he openly shared his own detailed exit strategy gave me a good, responsible, thoughtful template I'm trying to live up to. If any consolation and to allay any fears for those who've not been following the thread, no, I'm not in imminent danger.
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