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MarkintheDark last won the day on September 30

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About MarkintheDark

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  1. MarkintheDark

    How Do You Feel Right Now #9

    Zero motivation to do anything...and I'll just have to be ok with that. Indeed I overdid yesterday to strike nagging items from my To Do list and therefore expected some physical consequences. However, didn't expect to then be slammed with more paperwork for Mom that ramped up my anxiety levels. But, for now, I'm telling myself I don't have to address it today. I'm consciously trying to take my T's lead and go easy on myself...jettisoning the "shoulds" as best I can. For my 12-step friends, it's that version of the Third Step that says, "Aw, f**k it." I'm just gonna take the time today to pull myself back together. May indulge in something from Subway to treat myself.
  2. MarkintheDark

    Feeling like a fraud

    For folks like us, I think you just hit on the kind of objective, professional feedback that's been most useful to me. Like you, I'm having a hard time accepting it. A month-and-a-half ago I was put in the hospital for a medical issue. My physical recovery has been slow and I'm impatient, despite being told it would take a month or two to recover. So, I've pushed myself...apparently, unnecessarily. Part of that has been b/c I felt like I was a fraud physically. Both my doc and my T (as recently as last Thurs) have cautioned me and even expressed their displeasure. Welp, that's the kinda feedback I need. The big surprise is that when I listen to them, I actually feel better! [doh!]
  3. MarkintheDark

    Thanksgiving Anxiety

    Actually, the T wasn't terribly pleased about the way I pushed myself physically to do an office visit last Thurs. So we're sticking with the phone for now. What's occurred to me is that he's treating me with almost the same lack of pressure to perform that my dad did when he was alive. And Dad was the only one in my life who ever really cared for me. It's got me wondering about the pressure I put myself under...a kinda new thing for me. It's taking some adjustment for me to actually apply it. And I did push myself a bit more than usual today, but it was MY stuff, not hers...only to then be hit with a lot of paperwork - some expected, a lot unexpected - to be done for Mom this month. Anxiety's there, but not too bad at the moment. Not as overwhelming as it was, say, a month ago when I was flat on my back, being slammed by a new drama daily. I'm still learning about this new kind of mindfulness about pressure. Letting go, for lack of a better term, is not a habit of mine. Yet, I have to acknowledge there have been a few cases recently when it was the way to go, despite my misgivings. For myself, again at my T's behest, I may actually get together with a few photographer friends I haven't seen in months, just to kick around for an afternoon. (Hell, I actually went out to dinner with a friend last week).
  4. MarkintheDark

    How Do You Feel Right Now #9

    There is nothing puny about what you're going through...and, having faced similar choices recently on pain "management" (hah!), I can completely relate to having two equally lousy choices.
  5. MarkintheDark

    Thanksgiving Anxiety

    Thanksgiving worked out and I'm off the hook. Mom can't handle any excursion and the church ladies have been taking care of more of her food needs, even as her appetite has been on the wane.
  6. MarkintheDark

    How Do You Feel Right Now #9

    Even if YOU don't care about what happens to you, I do...particularly since we both sometimes fall into the same mindset. What are you doing to nurture yourself? Hell yes, I'm serious.
  7. MarkintheDark

    How Do You Feel Right Now #9

    Accomplished, but (prednisone) shaky and on the verge of stressed. (ok, I am, but it hasn't quite hit...and I absolutely need to just effin' stop my day right now, have lunch and put myself down) Decided Monday morning was a good time to knock things off before the Thanksgiving rush (bank, gas, Target, etc.)...and fine that I got those nagging things done and off my mind. I did NOT expect one of Mom's church ladies to then show up at my door with a raft of things - mostly paperwork - to be addressed concerning Mom. Most of 'em will just have to wait (and I'll use Thanksgiving as an excuse). On the plus side, fortunately, any Thanksgiving meal is out of the question for Mom with her deteriorating condition. In short, I'll have a day off.
  8. I can't tell you what you should do, but I can perhaps give you a couple points to ponder. What kind of safety net do you have if the DBS is delayed? That is, what's your worst case scenario if it goes to 60 days? To me, that's the crux of it, considering the references and your (albeit, unverified) background are in the clear. Would the delay - say, a couple weeks, if I read your timeline correctly - cause undue hardship? I realize that if you're dealing with both an unhealthy work environment and your own depression this is a particularly difficult decision. Considering the depression, would the delay on the DBS affect your ability to enjoy your holiday?
  9. MarkintheDark

    Thanksgiving Anxiety

    That's more profound a statement than I've heard from almost anyone in the past (now) three months. Thank you. You've followed my posts and know that, indeed, ideation has been more of a companion to me the past month than I even like to admit, even as recently as the past week when I had to call a hotline just to keep myself together. And I'll apply it to my physical health, as well. I've been required to do more in my situation than I ever should have been, particularly in the aftermath of my own health emergency, as @Atra put it. (In short, being Mom's sole caregiver after her August MI wore me down so much that a rhinovirus from her exacerbated my own COPD to the point my immune system, due to advanced HIV, couldn't handle it, putting me in a situation where I had to be hospitalized for a week). Fresh out of hospital, I was nevertheless still saddled with some time-critical tasks for her, albeit by phone, fax and internet, while I could barely get out of bed myself. Effin' ridiculous. I guess this is the perspective I need. What I THINK I can do or what I WANT to do is apparently nowhere near what I CAN do. And I've a lot of frustration with that. Even a month out of hospital, both my T and doc have expressed concern that I've been pushing myself too much on this issue. These are two of only three people whose opinions I trust. As of Thurs - knowing of my ideation, as well - my T wasn't shy about letting me know, despite my insistence on doing a face-to-face session for the first time in six weeks, he wasn't happy about any of it. Hell, he went as far as to lay out all I had to do physically just to get to his office vs. doing a phone session (in my jammies, as he put it). He all but insisted we continue phone sessions with perhaps an office visit once a month...lord, even into January. Maybe if I talk this out enough it will eventually sink in.
  10. MarkintheDark

    Thanksgiving Anxiety

    At this point I'd have to say it's an all-or-nothing issue. Doing something at her apartment brings up other issues, including exposure to whatever festering bug she's spreading around this week, since I have a compromised immune system. The last bug put me in the hospital. At my persistent insistence, her inability to address basic cleaning is now monitored by the agency and her church ladies...due in no small part to my hospitalization. Honestly, I'm hoping the whole damn issue doesn't come up (i.e., her church ladies take care of it).
  11. MarkintheDark

    Thanksgiving Anxiety

    I may be opening a can o' worms, but here goes. Though I'm gonna talk about my situation, y'all feel free to chime in. For several years I've managed to take Mom out for dinner. But as her dementia has worsened, I've faced dealing with her getting that faraway look over an innocuous statement which then brings on tears and tissues...in the middle of a restaurant. Those of you who know my story already know that I (among others) have been able to stem the flow by either not reacting or responding to it, or even by taking a firmer approach telling her, "We're not doing tears today." Though nothing has been said or planned at this point, I may face pressure to take her out. This is a tough one for me since I've been able to gain a measure of calmness by avoiding prolonged contact with her, more specifically, her insanity. That's to say, when I've made my mental health the priority, I do pretty well. If that means avoiding certain situations, so be it, whatever anyone else may think. It's not yet causing me the gut-churning anxiety I've felt with her other issues, like arranging assisted living. But I know the potential is there. I also know from experience that this kind of "obligation" will likely put me in a downward spiral. I haven't quite decided how or if I can deal with it.
  12. MarkintheDark

    Is my depression my fault?

    If I were in your place, I'd feel confused, too. One thing that stuck out in your OP is the meds. It sounds like you're no longer on them. If they helped, it may be time to revisit that, imo. That's to say that dealing with depression isn't a matter of willpower. I do slip into that - i.e., I'm not doing ENOUGH - and it can sabotage my progress.
  13. MarkintheDark

    The Post Anything Thread (2)

    Cool weather - finally - means the windows are open and my feline has (manipulative) "let me in" options. Normally, he'd use the screen porch kitty door. Instead - clever boy - he meows/yowls helplessly outside my now-open window until I let him in through the porch's people door. #pwnedbykitty
  14. MarkintheDark

    How Do You Feel Right Now #9

    For probably the first time all week, I feel calm since I was able to get some of the anxiety out with the T this morning. I trust him to be objective. I was surprised he wasn't terribly pleased, once he'd seen me in action walking the hall, I'd opted for an office visit instead of the phone. I'm reluctant to go with his observation, but I trust it. We agreed, therefore, to phone sessions for a while with a monthly office visit. Gist of it is, despite my shutdowns, he still believes I'm pushing myself too much physically.
  15. MarkintheDark

    Post your day in 1 word.