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About ordmandell

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  1. ordmandell

    i'm just not happy anymore

    Still here, not sure why..my mom pretty much is the only reason now. In a s***ty motel room, been here 6 months. Found someone amazing then in 5 months all went to real fast, it was an affair but everything was amazing til I wanted more, to be with her, all ending up in court where she tried to get a restraining order based on lies. That got dropped, guess her lies weren't worth the $2,000 retainer for a lawyer. *sigh Back chickening me, DSS trying to force me to work, the idiots- dr's here are stupid won't listen and it's screwing everything up for me and i'm afraid one day I won't even have a place to stay. So tired of the bulls***. Reason I don't seek therapy, i'm not going to a state hospital for feeling the way I do, i'd rather just die honestly. I'm still in Love with this woman and I don't know why to be perfectly honest... Crying only lasts seconds, found a tear on my face today, something new Been writing music about my pains etc but recently got robbed so now, I have no more laptop to create my music which really pi**es me off royally. On this pos laptop, can only goto forums and chat big woop *sigh I hate myself for still loving her, missing her... Getting tired of feeling both physically and mentally down/drained and in pain. Been very angry the past few days because of everything inside. Phobic about people now, hate going out, isolation isn't healthy but I can deal with unhealthy over getting my hopes up to fail all over again, not worth it to me really...not anymore. *sigh well that's how I feel Sorry for the long break from my initial post... Wrote a song about losing Carol called Tears of Amber about a year ago Here is the link: *youtube link removed* I miss the woman who inspired me so much.... can't believe this sh*t
  2. my depression took a very huge turn about 3-4 yrs ago, the last day I appeared in divorce court. My wife at the time lied straight through her teeth under oath and the things she said completely tore me apart. It left me stranded in another state with no money and no food. I attempted suicide and ended up going to the state hospital for 3 months. I'm back in ny state now, trying to bounce back but my depression is winning this battle. I have nobody to talk to, nobody and no way am I seeking professional help (screw that) In all honesty, ever since that day I just gave up after losing the best part of me... I've been thinking about suicide is the only really true future left for me.... All my so called relationships are failures, just kicked another one to the curb at 3am this morning- total crap there Can't even do the one thing i'm good at here, playing drums. One of the best rock drummers in upstate ny and nobody will hire me because i'm different. All my life i've never fit in anywhere- been in mental homes when I was younger and no matter how hard I try failure in every aspect comes into play yet I am very respectable and big hearted. I feel like i'm dead already honestly- just breathing in and out... Just wanted to say what's in y head and in my heart before it's too late and take the rope to get it over and done with- Just not happy anymore and I will never run right- i'm too broken