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Hayley R

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About Hayley R

  • Birthday 08/15/1997

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  1. i have a lot on my mind, from quizzes and exams, to relationship troubles to possible hospitalization in the near future, to wondering how in the world i’m going to tell my parents i need to go to the hospital. wondering how they’re going to react or if they’re going to believe me at all. anticipating extreme guilt for how much it will cost them. i also have no idea if it will be effective at all. in all honesty nothing except my meds have been effective yet. therapy helps, but very short-term. it’s like a little confidence boost for the day every time i go, but what use is that when every other day of the week i’m drowning in anxiety, apathy, stress, low self-esteem, etc... i feel as if my life is hitting a dead end. as a kid i was excited for the future. i never anticipated being so so so sad and f****d up. anyway, now to fail another quiz in my math class.
  2. i went to my therapist yesterday and, long story short, she said that i could perhaps benefit from spending a few days in the hospital. this idea is terrifying to me. does anyone have any stories they’d like to share about previous hospitalizations? she also suggested PHP, or partial hospitalization program. it’s a day program where you get the same treatment as if you’re fully hospitalized, but you get to go home at the end of the day. this appeals to me, yet i wonder if it would be as effective as full hospitalization because i won’t be getting that 24/7 support. again, please please share any stories (positive or negative experiences) about PHPs that you’ve participated in. I am a 21year old college student by the way.
  3. good for you for realizing this. it can be really really tough to give up your vices even when you see the harm they do to you... just keep remembering why you’re frustrated in the first place. im trying to quit smoking “leaf.” i tried using it to cope with depression but lately i feel it’s been making me even more depressed and unmotivated. to the point where i can’t get anything done... i’m done with it. i don’t want to smoke again, at least for a long long time. it doesn’t make me feel good anymore.
  4. like i'm far beyond the end of the rope. i already fell
  5. how there are some people in life that are dealt all the sh**** cards, and i happen to be one of them. i'm thinking about this story i heard recently about a young boy who died by su***** at 15 after being depressed and having su****** ideations practically since he could talk... i am the same... but i've made it this far, 19 years. we will see what happens
  6. i am almost too anxious to write right now, but i have to get this out there. i am so scared of living my whole life with depression. i am petrified and nauseated at the thought of having to live with this horrible illness for the rest of my life. I don't want to go on and off antidepressants for my whole life, i don't want to feel so horribly devoid of purpose and motivation to live every single day! i know there will be good, happy parts... but the bad parts will still be there, and they are bad. i honestly can't really see how it's worth it. i'm scared and i'm so angry, i didn't ask for this!! why did i have to end up with this? i don't want depression. i wish it were not a part of me anymore, but it always will be. i'm so scared. i can't imagine how hard my future is going to be.
  7. Right now, I feel loved, and the opposite of alone- and because of that, strong.
  8. Sunnyone, you seem like such a gentle, loving person. I know that you might have angry spells and other negative emotions just like everyone else, but you really seem so kind. That is truly beautiful considering all that you've been through in life. I'm not sure how up you are to this, but have you considered auditing a class at a nearby community college? Something like psychology or sociology, where it is relatively easy but very interesting. You may learn something about your condition, too. Learning has actually been a very effective tool for me against depression. Working my brain, I believe, has helped me from falling back into monotony and lethargy on many occasions. I completely understand if that is too overwhelming. Do you have a friend or family member you are close with? Maybe you could give them a call or skype, just to check on how they're doing. It's incredibly hard, but it's so rewarding to keep connections when you're depressed. I would also recommend looking into different/more medications- perhaps with a psychiatrist. If there is anything I've learned in my 8 year journey with depression, it's that a LOT more people struggle with it than I ever could have imagined. Almost everyone in the world goes through a depressive episode in their life. That is not to disregard yours. Depression is serious, heavy, and so so hard to deal with. But, just know that you are NEVER alone in it. We are all here to get through this alongside you. And we will, because we're stronger than we know!!
  9. I know exactly how this feels. Sometimes I make to-do lists for myself, just full of stuff that I don't really need to do but I list them for the sake of having something to do that day. But then, in the middle of the day, I realize their meaninglessness, and I just can't do them because I can't live my life just wasting time, doing petty chores and errands. I want to live a life that really means something. I want to live a riveting, beautiful life. Not for show, but for my own and for others' good. I'm a hypocrite in suggesting this, because I've tried and failed to do it so many times, but I'm going to recommend it anyway - join a volunteer group of some kind. Just focus all your energy into finding something, no matter how hard it is, no matter how many agonizing forms you have to fill out, no matter if the interviews (if they have any) make you want to throw up, no matter how many times you receive that gently put rejection email. Just plow through and find a way to touch someone else's life. I've been in a volunteer group once before, at an elementary school. Every time I drove there I just wanted to turn around, go back home, and stay where I'm safe. But every time I left that place, my heart was so full and happy I felt like crying. You may not necessarily feel the same, but the knowledge of making someone else's life brighter is amazing. If you want to, your county's website is probably a good place to start. Best of luck.
  10. Thank you so much, writing is one of the only things I enjoy sometimes. I agree. To be frank, I'm tired of living in a capitalist society where my value is basically based on the money I can generate into the economy. Although, that's not necessarily true in the mental health world. Different entities send different messages. Bottom line - It has been and I fear it will be very hard to get along well in this world.
  11. Thank you all for responding. I have considered going on antidepressants several times, and have come quite close to actually going to the psychologist's (or psychiatrist's?) office once before. The thing is, I'm scared. For a lot of different reasons. One of them being that if I really went on them and started taking something to alter my brain chemistry, my depression would be undoubtedly, irreversibly, tangibly real. It's not that I don't think my depression isn't real, it's just that it's only ever been in my head, as it were. But taking antidepressants means there is something biologically, fundamentally "wrong" with me. I can't deny its reality anymore, I can't control it. That is an extremely scary thought to me. Another reason why I've avoided antidepressants is that though I've been able to live with it so far (hardly), going on antidepressants would mean that I really can't live with it any longer. It would mean that I would have to stay on them until I feel "better," or just more capable of living. I don't know if that day will ever come. From the very first years that it started, there has been no prevailing "reason" for my depression - how can no reason go away and thus leave me capable to live life and depression-free? I don't want to be on antidepressants for my whole life, or even so long as several years... I know that my body will build up a tolerance, and if it's been deficient in those chemicals since I was very young, how can I expect it to produce enough of those missing chemicals on its own a few years from now? Beyond those reasons, there's stuff like medical records. I hate to admit it, but the stigma of mental illness is still real and because of it, I feel ashamed whenever I have to tell a doctor (or, in the future, an employer) about my history with depression. It's painful and humiliating. If I were a medical professional, seeing that a person has taken antidepressants rather than over-the-counter supplements is indicative of a more serious condition; an actual illness. I don't want to have that label on me. All things considered.... If it gets considerably worse, I may go on antidepressants. I already have trouble taking care of and valuing myself, though... sometimes when things get bad I don't think about getting better at all. All I'm capable of thinking is how bad things are in the moment. I feel like to me, antidepressants are a last resort because of how I feel like they will negatively impact my future. At the part in life where I step into a psychiatrist's office, I don't know if I will care about my future at all. Sorry if this doesn't make sense, it's hard to explain.
  12. I can very much relate to a lot of what's been said here. especially with "going out" and being active... honestly i'm terrified to get out of the house because i know that the sadness/emptiness will follow me there. sometimes i'm like, f*** it, and i go out anyway. for me, it's almost always a mistake because i just feel so purposeless going out alone, trying to occupy myself when the gaping emptiness in life is unavoidable. i think a lot about why the hell i'm here, or at least why i stay since i never enjoy anything in life anymore, not even hanging out with my best friends. i know in my heart i would never commit suicide or self harm (i've been down that road), so it's not like that... i don't know. life is just droning on and on and on and i'm feeling less and less horrified about it (which in itself is horrifying to me). just pure apathy like an endless desert. nausea indeed. sorry i cant offer any advice. we're in this together, though. and if we didn't see our mental problems coming before they happened to us/made themselves apparent to us, maybe we don't see the fullness and happiness that may lie just around the corner. and we're strong as hell.
  13. for the past few months my energy and motivation levels have plummeted downhill. i feel sluggish and lethargic most of the time. everything is a huge feat to accomplish. one important factor is that i pretty much live alone. my mom is here but we never talk; i can't rely on her for any kind of companionship. or my friends, for that matter. i've tried talking to some about it but none of them are in a place to support me emotionally. it's really hard to go about every day alone, especially since i'm not in school and can't get a job. i can't stay on schedule. at best, i get a couple of errands done before i start feeling painfully miserable. all i want to do is sleep. i can't even think about college admissions without feeling hopeless. i can hardly handle my empty, silent life when i turn off my phone or put away the computer or book. everything is just so g**d*** hard. on a side note - some info about me: i have been depressed for several years. i am not on antidepressants, but i take 150mg of 5-htp and 1500 mg of L-tyrosine everyday (i started the 5-htp late last year and started the L-tyro about 1 month ago). i also have been going to see a mental health counselor every couple of weeks for the past 1 1/2 years. most importantly, if anyone's been feeling or has felt the same way as i do, or experienced the same things, please leave a response. i would love to connect with people on here
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